Fix Your Marriage
How To Divorce Part 1
How To Divorce Part 2
How To Divorce Part 3
My wife got fat and expects me to still find her attractive even though she looks nothing like herself anymore
Posted by

My wife got fat and expects me to still find her attractive even though she looks nothing like herself anymore

My wife used to weight 115 pounds. She now weighs 195 pounds after going all the way up to 220 pounds. No she didn’t have a baby. She just started eating for 10 after her parents died. I was understanding about it at first. The loss of her parents hit her pretty hard and she went into depression and used food to cope. But before long she was weighing 220 pounds and I was living with a morbidly obese woman who was a complete hideous stranger to me.

We’d stopped having sex a while back and then she came trying to interest me one night wearing lingerie. I told I was too exhausted and kept telling her that every other time until she broke down in tears crying about how I don’t find her attractive any more? How in the world can she expect me to find her attractive? I never fell in love with this person she’s become. I haven’t seen any sign of my wife in years and I’m ready to tell her lose the weight or I’m out. Submitted by guest

When your wife gets fat

by

This topic has generated numerous comments, mostly from frustrated husbands who are dealing with a similar issue. It is very clear from reading the comments below that this is one of those subjects that have no right or wrong position. On both sides there are valid points and even the most skilled debater on either side of the issue is unlikely to convert everyone to his/her point of view because there’s always going to be an equally valid rebuttal from the other side.

Some men can still love their wives when they get fat. Some men can’t. Love is lawless. We like to talk about the way love works or the way love should work based on the ideas that we have accepted about love; but you can’t put love in a petri dish and study it. Love has no atoms. It has no molecules. It cannot be be scientifically tested. Love isn’t matter. Some people get seriously bent out of shape if you dare say to them that love is nothing more than an idea. We know we feel. And the word love is used to describe one type of emotion that we feel; but that emotion is not like the blood running through our veins. It cannot be scientifically tested to reveal how it’s structured and to ascertain what it requires in order to maintain its structure and perform its function. So everything that pertains to love, everything relevant to how love works or is supposed to work, is stuff that was made up.

The rules of love are established ideas and nothing more. That is why you can break love’s rules without penalty. Because you can’t lawfully dictate what someone can and cannot do if they love a person. If a man or woman is disgusted with his or her spouse for getting fat, telling them that if they truly loved their spouse they would accept them no matter how they physically change assumes that they subscribe to the same ideas about love that you do. If they did hold the same ideas about love that you do they would probably react to their spouse’s weight gain the way you believe they should if they loved their spouse; but just because you believe that love is unconditional does not mean everyone else should believe love is unconditional. Your ideas and beliefs about love are not the right ideas and beliefs about love. They are also not the wrong ideas and beliefs about love. There can be no right and wrong ideas and beliefs about love because love, like religion, is practiced in many ways and it’s fruitless to argue that one way is right and all others wrong just as it’s fruitless and frankly destructive to argue that one religion is right and all others wrong.

How two people love is a personal thing between them. If they love with conditions that is how they love. If they love without conditions that is how they love. If you are someone who believes in unconditional love but you are married to someone who does not believe in unconditional love then it’s up to you either to accept the conditions of your partner or to remove yourself from a situation where someone is only willing to love you if you meet their conditions. Likewise if you are someone who does not believe in unconditional love and you are married to someone who thinks you should love them without condition, and that person has done something that you find you cannot love them for, such as gaining 100 pounds, then it is up to you to either learn to love without condition or remove yourself from a situation where someone isn’t willing or able to live up to your expectations of them, and you consequently cannot love them.

This is not to make life out like it’s as simple as getting up and saying, “Okay well if you can’t love me the same at 300 pounds like you loved me at 110 pounds then see you later. I’m leaving.” Or “I can’t love you while you’re obese so if you won’t lose the extra 190 pounds you gained see you later. I’m leaving.” I appreciate that life is often a lot more complicated than that. There are children involved. There is concern over getting divorced and still being lawfully obligated to take care of your spouse financially. There are many concerns and considerations that make it difficult for some people to simply extricate themselves from a marriage that isn’t working.

If you’re going to stay in the marriage and if you want the situation to change, whether you’re the disgusted spouse or the spouse who has gained the weight, you and your spouse will have to work together to fix the problem. It’s perfectly fine to refuse to accept your spouse in their altered body but if you demand and expect that they respect your position and your point of view that you cannot and should not have to accept a 300 pound spouse when you never married and never would have married a 300 pound person, then you must be just as willing to respect their position and their point of view that who they are on the inside does not change by how they look on the outside and that they still deserve your love even if the sight of them is something you can’t abide having to behold.

In this way if you are both honoring each other and respecting each other and you are both focused on loving each other in the way you both require then you overcome this particular problem. That is to say, the obese one needs to respect their spouse enough to get the extra weight off whatever it takes, however long it takes, and the other can’t just sit around and impatiently wait while treating their spouse like she/he is unworthy to be loved, showing disgust each day and acting in a way that makes their spouse feel like he/she is worse than feces because of their weight. It’s not about holding your spouse’s hand and guiding them back to health. It is indeed true that this is something one has to do by oneself and for oneself; but how much harder do you imagine it might be for your spouse to succeed while knowing that you are disgusted by the sight of them and knowing they don’t have your love and your support because you don’t consider them worthy of your love and support unless and until they lose the weight? This is not a battle that can be won if you don’t fight it together. A very determined person might be able to do it despite their spouse not showing any support and making them feel worthless throughout the process, but don’t be surprised if after they get their body back they decide they deserve better than to remain married to someone who did not love them when they were at their worst.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: 7.9/10 (123 votes cast)
VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rating: +17 (from 41 votes)
My wife got fat and expects me to still find her attractive even though she looks nothing like herself anymore, 7.9 out of 10 based on 123 ratings

Post your rant about your wife

0 460 107221 12 October, 2010 Wife Bashing October 12, 2010
Profile photo of guest

About the author

Guest posts are posts submitted by non-registered visitors to this website. If you want to submit content but would like your content to have a name of your choosing please register a username and password first then login before you make your submission. This way your submission will not be posted under the guest account

View all articles by guest

460 comments

  1. annon

    Well, I can tell you this much and I’m sorry when I do. She will probably not ever lose the weight as long as you are with her, or never at all. Where would her motivation come from? She is probably with you and comfortable, and you most likely didn’t address the situation soon enough or not at all. Now she is set in her ways and her weight.

    Most people don’t want to even try to lose the weight. Whatever their reasons: they like self pity, its too much work, they like food too much, they are lazy, they don’t care, they are depressed. There are a hundred different reasons to not lose weight. The best and maybe the only real reason to lose the weight would be for themselves and for YOU. But to them, its not a good enough reason. Because if it was, they wouldn’t have gotten fat in the first place.

    My wife has gained a significant amount of weight after our child was born. I say after, because she lost most of the weight for a while and then packed it all back on and more AFTER the child was born. Its always excuses and promises and never action. LAZINESS! She doesn’t care. She doesn’t even really care how it makes me feel. Is that selfish to say? NO! I used to be sensitive to the situation. I never made her feel bad about the weight and I tried to help her by eating better and working out with her. It only lasts about a week and then she gives up. It makes me sick. She doesn’t see it as her not caring how she looks means she doesn’t care how I see her. I have always and will always take care of how I look. Damn me to the grave if I will ever be fat. When is it ever ok to let yourself go?

    If you are unhappy with your relationship, no matter how much you love your wife, get out. As much as you may not want to admit it, she is not the same person you married and may never be again. Not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. Something fundemental has to change inside someone to make them let themselves go. If she can’t love you enough to look good for you, then why should you love her anymore. Maybe you just love the idea of who your wife used to be. Maybe you really do love her on the inside, but how can you only love half of what someone is. If you can’t stand the sight of her naked, then you owe it to yourself to end your marriage. Life only comes once and you don’t OWE anyone anything, except yourself. Live your life to the fullest and be happy, or else you will be old and on your death bed thinking, I hated my life and I wish I was happier.

    Reply
    1. Breckinridge

      When women get fat, they lose half of their brain and they usually become deffensive and rude when confronted about how fat they have become. If you don’t have any kids, dump here today and you will thank me.

      Reply
        1. Robin Bakay

          @Breckinridge. I wish for you a litter of fat little girls who you adore and who will eventually come to you for comfort while others like you hurt their feelings and hurl sticks and stones. Go run your Confederate flag up a tree, you embarrassing pilrim.

          Reply
          1. James west

            Can a man ever have what he wants without getting ridiculed??? Why is it always about how the woman feels??? Aw men worth anything anymore??? Geez

        2. Tanaka

          It’s an expression you dum dum, spot on…they become rude and defensive and probably start accusing you of having someone else. If no kids, bail out and save your self from eternal misery.

          Reply
      1. Maria

        What a stupid thing to say. Sounds to me like you probably are not married and probably can’t get a girlfriend of any size either. Have fun spending rest of your life living in your mothers basement with all those soiled socks under the bed lol

        Reply
        1. JJ

          Being unmarried, single or living with a parent doesn’t automatically mean you are unhappy. Some people CHOOSE to live that way. Where did you get that logic from? Smh

          Reply
        2. Tanaka

          In any if not all cases, when you meet someone the first thing is attraction. Both guys and ladies have a picture perfect image of their attraction; not taking care of yourself and going out of shape is selfishness worse off your spouse makes an indication about it and you decide not to do anything about it. Don’t be defensive nd rude, face the fact.

          Reply
        1. Nick and Shelly

          Fat people are gross. They need two seats on a car or an airplane. They tilt the merry go round and break it. Everytime they walk the earth, the ground shakes. They eat two kfc buckets of family size chicken meals and are STILL hungry lol!

          Reply
          1. Jeff Smith

            You are an ignorant fool and a crappy person. I hope it makes you feel better about yourself to insult others you mindless bag of feces. So what’s wrong with you that you need to act this way? No job no money small penis or maybe you are just plain old dumb. Karma happens you douche and you will get yours. But you will probably be too stupid to even realize it. Try growing up and maybe just maybe get some maturity as well. Good luck in your most likely pathetic life.

          2. Grimm

            This is your BS opinion. As an overweight person (Graves Disease) I eat next to nothing everyday. My doctor is concerned with the lack of food I eat no matter how healthy it is. I eat healthy and my blood works comes back of that of a 20 year old in good health. I think it is horrible when people see overweight people and think they eat non stop. I do not need 2 seats. Nor do I tilt the merry go round and break it. Grow up and get your head out of your ass.

    2. grey

      In most of the mens posts there is nothing about how they treated their wives before the weight gain. My husband cheated with everyone, he was always saying he didn’t love me, but when I would leave him, he’d want me back. The only thing I agree with- with these men- is that they should leave. I’d like to point out if they were suddenly disabled in some way and needed care from their wife, their wives would be there without blaming the man for his disability. There are many many reasons a woman gains weight. Not all of them are because she is lazy, or doesn’t care about herself. Just saying!!!

      Reply
        1. Samantha

          Exactly. My sister ballooned after she got married, it was a free-for-all of eating and spending his money, and her husband is by all accounts a wonderful, caring man. Treats her like gold. She just lassoed the prize and the ball became in her court. While I don’t know for sure how he feels about her large weight gain, I’m guessing he’s probably not too happy about it, although if he’s not, he suffers in silence.

          Bottom line: This sister was the same woman who would allow the trash to overflow out of the bin because she was simply too lazy to wrap up the garbage ties and take it downstairs.

          There are different types of people in this world, but most fall into the either/or categories of these: Do’ers or Watchers, Givers or Takers, Lazy or Motivated. Now, a “watcher” or a “lazy” person can certainly up their game when the stakes are high (snagging a man, ensuring their financial security, etc.) because they understand what they have to do to gain the end result. but it’s more like running a sprint race. Once the prize is gained, back to reality. And no, I’m not talking about the 25-lbs of extra weight a woman carries after giving birth to “his child” and all the other noble acts of marriage, I’m talking about flat out, in your face, enormous weight gain.

          I’m just being realistic about what I’ve witnessed. I work hard to stay in shape. I’m a mature woman, I’m certainly not “obsessive” nor do I go to extremes. I just enjoy health, I enjoy physical attractiveness and I enjoy sex. I don’t strive to look like a 25 yr old-Twiggy, because that’s never going to be my reality, but I do strive to be relatively slender and in shape. It’s not all that hard — I don’t grab a bag of chips every time the mood strikes and I incorporate exercise, i.e. walking or yoga into my life. It works for me and for many others.

          Does that make “fat” housewives bad people? No, of course not. The way their body appears does announce, however, what their priorities are and that’s okay — there’s no right or wrong in life. It’s their life. Some women feel that marriage is supposed to provide “security” a “love me as I am” type of contract. Some men warmly embrace this, most will suffer and become resentful. Sexual intimacy is a large aspect of a traditional marriage, and physical attraction is a fire. It’s expected that your mate will age, skin will sag, hair will thin, weight will creep up around the middle, and all the normal aspects of aging will occur, because they will. But drastic changes of a spouse’s appearance, through no fault of illness or accident, aren’t “expected.”

          To all the men who suffer in silence, remember — there’s no motivation for your wife to lose the weight if she’s comfortable setting her dial where she is. Certainly shaming her isn’t productive and for most, denying sex won’t do it either. There’s no need for cruelty but there is a need for honest, get-to-the-point communication. You should tell your wife that this is what’s called a “deal breaker” and that you envision being married to a woman you want to have a fulfilling, intimate relationships with. How she responds will tell you all you need to know about how she feels about the marriage. Then, the decision will be yours.

          Reply
          1. John R

            Samantha, you are so right! How I wish my wife will think like you. My wife is getting bigger and bigger, so much that I avoid watching her changing clothes, and watching her eat. I’m not attracted to her anymore. She is not the person she used to be. She was hot! She was a top dancer (by profession), wanted and admired by many. When I got her, I was the luckiest man in the world. She was motivated, she was fit, she had goals and aspirations, she was into self-development, she was the real deal. Then she started changing, she lost confidence, lots of mood swings, wrong eating habits, no more gym, everything was an effort, everything was a problem. We have been together for 5+ years (married only for 1 year), and I have seen her, every year, get worse and worse.
            I dream about of how she used to look and the person she used to be. But now, when I see her, I see another person. She says she loves me, that she does t want to loose me, but at the same time she fights with me for anything.
            I have tried everything to get her to enjoy being fit and eating healthy again (I have raised the wight problem at least 4 times – you can imagine the big arguments. I offered join training program’s, couple’s cooking classes, healthier food for both of us, etc). Once I told her that I wasn’t attracted to her anymore. It was hard. She cried, lots. But next morning, there was no change on her habits – she was eating and being lazy again.
            It’s hard for me to think on leave her. Besides the emotional attachment, we own a business together… Damn! Decisions, decisions!

          2. Deedzee

            You can never fully understand anyone’s situation until you are in their shoes. I feel sorry for your sister actually, because instead of supporting her you are her back biting and exposing her issues to the world. I have always been a Harding working woman, very clean, intelligent and ambitious. I had all the attributes of a good wife, but I had a narcissist of a husband. This man drove me sick until I developed a disability. Everything ok name it, cheating , lieing, humiliating me and having selfish demands that they would never reciprocate themselves. I went from a size 10 to size 14 in a year barely eating any food. But because my nervous system went haywire and my digestive system shut down through stress; I can’t lose the weight.

            Before you judge think, are you in the exact situation the person is, are you with the exact partner, are you yourself doing/saying what you are expecting from them.

            Yes it’s ok to vent your frustration, but remember life is so unpredictable tomorrow it could be you! And then who is going to love your fat ass!

          3. Ash

            I like this comment, Samantha, you nailed it. Well done. I actually do not care about the grey hair, winkles, we’re all ageing, it’s the total unnecessary ugly weight gain I object to……

            I wish she could find the motivation…..

          4. Yasmin

            Wow you must really hate your sister to speak like that about her. I hope she stays far away from you. What a shallow jealous mean spirited person you appear to be.

          5. John Doe

            This really hit home. I’ve been patiently listening to my other half complain about her weight gain for about 8 years now. I’ve never said anything as I used to be overweight when I was younger and my dad used to kick the living sh*t out of me for it and so I never wanted to inflict the same pain on anyone else. But I try so hard at work, I cook and it’s now really dawning on me she’s just intrinsically lazy. She’s a nice person, but, in my opinion, has had so much handed to her on a plate that she has an entitled mindset. She’s happy to critique others’ appearances, but needs to take a look in the mirror. She’s now developing alopecia too, which I’m finding quite hard to deal with. Before any nazis digitally flog me, I’m 6″2 with a healthy 190lb frame, I workout every day and have had no shortage of attention from other women (though I’ve never, ever been unfaithful).

        2. ashley

          listen, people don’t stay the same forever, you can’t expect a women to look like she did in her 20’s and 30’s. Some women look better as they get older, work really hard to stay in shape, but it doesnt mean women who don’t are lazy, they have other priorities other than vanity. You should try it sometime , it will make you smarter because it forces you to use your brain, not your abs, or muscles.

          Reply
          1. Doony

            No one expects their spouse to look the same after 20 years, but eating like a pig and topping 320Lbs, is something to be worried about.

            My wife does nothing around the house ( she drives the kids to school and makes them breakfast) I do all the other cooking, cleaning, laundry, repairs etc. I also work a job and run our business and we have rental properties.

            I was ill as hell the other day, visiting the washroom most of the day. She could not even cook dinner. That is BS.

            I would leave now but I don’t want my kids living in filth. We have been together for 12_ years and she has NEVER washed a floor or cleaned the bathroom or cleaning her vehicle. She knows I will do it. I cannot let her new truck look like crap.

        3. Whatstocareabout?

          Women who overeat are trying to fill an emptiness sometimes. Maybe it has nothing to do with you, but on the other hand maybe you should have filled it and its your lack of emotional intelligence. Sometimes I have seen women hide in food when what they really wanted was to push away the unsatisfactory (or awful) man they felt stuck with due to emotional ties to children, financial need, fear of being alone. . . .

          Reply
          1. Nick and Shelly

            Fear of being alone? Fat pigs should be alone! Nasty poinkers! Porky pigs oink oink oink!

          2. Beth Latvia

            You sound like a moron in the biggest way, among many, many other things. Karma is a bitch when it comes around and often comes back to bite us in ways unimaginable. One day if you find yourself fatally ill or dying or severely mamed, you’ll know why. Jackass!

          3. Beth Latvia

            People can almost ALWAYS lose weight but inherent stupidity such as yours can never be changed! Jackass!

          4. Yasmin

            Amen sister! You know that men who get fat too and bald! And then there are those who get wrinkles too!
            Better divorce them! Ha!

      1. nastykix

        yea but being disabled is something you can’t control, being fat is. Stupid i bet you are fat yourself. Go hit the gym fatty mcbutter pants!!!!! Lol

        Reply
      2. Maria

        Those women are better if those men leave. Better to bee in no marriage at all than be stuck married to a passive aggressive jerk.

        Reply
        1. Bea

          It would be really funny if this guy dumps his wife, she loses all the weight, and marries some hot rich guy with a 12 inch wiener.

          Reply
          1. Pj Butter

            And that, is how it usaully happens….Get it together just enough to “trap” another man, then repeat cycle, lol!

          2. Been there

            I don’t think that you can judge anyone because of what makes them happy…aside from people that just like bully others. I don’t think there is ever an excuse for that.
            Woman leave their husbands all the time. Maybe they lost their job and have become depressed, maybe they have started drinking or doing drugs maybe they too have gained a lot of weight or just don’t seem to care about their appearance.
            People are individuals. Some people judge their mate they way they judge themselves. They would never accept letting themselves go physically, They might be very disciplined and ambitious and expect that from their mate, especially if that is the type of person they married.
            I personally have almost a phobia about fat. It makes me literally ill when someone that is really obese is naked or nearly naked and anywhere near me. I am kind of hate that I am that way and I am trying to figure out why my reaction to obesity is so intense. I really wish it wasn’t.
            I was married to a woman who let herself go. I made it clear before we got married that I had a problem with people that were really overweight and that this would be a deal breaker for me. She was a size 3 at the time and neither one of us thought it would ever be an issue. Once she started gaining weight I tried to get her to join me playing sports or going to the gym but she was not interested. We eventually split up when she reached size 16, not just because of the weight gain but because of a lot of things. She lost all the weight and started dating other guys. She tried to get back with me on numerous occasions but too much had happened and I wasn’t interested. She married a nice guy, good looking, fit and great personality. They were both happy as far as I know and I was happy for them. Unfortunately within two years of getting married she was bigger than she was with me. I actually didn’t even recognize her when I met her at a mutual get together. I feel bad for her because she obviously has some pretty big issues. They are not happy and pretty much live their own lives. There were times when I felt bad for leaving but looking at my life now and at how my life could have been if I had of stayed I am extremely glad I didn’t.
            I find that women who start to gain weight are dealing with some pretty major emotional baggage. If you want to stay and carry that baggage for the rest of your life then good on you. if you want to be happy ever again for the rest of your life then you already know what you have to do. You are just looking for someone to give you permission. I suggest a separation for a bit just to clear your head and find out how you personally feel. If when separated you feel like a ton of stress and emotional baggage has been lifted off your shoulders than that is not a healthy place for you to return to. If though you miss your wife and want more than anything to make it work no matter what she looks like then you need to try harder to make it work. Just my opinion.

          1. CourageToChange

            I’ve read most of the comments and, the truth is, I understand both sides of the issue. I divorced in 2001 and met the man of my dreams. The first 3-5 years were fabulous but one thing led to another, another and another. He isn’t perfect. I’m not prefect. We had a lot of obstacles throw in our way, often. Starting in about 2007 I began to be quite depressed, fearful and agoraphobic. You know the rest of the story…this man take good care of himself. While Adonis, he is quite attractive to this day. However, I have gained 75 lbs and lost his love over a year ago. The truth is, no matter how much it hurts, I don’t blame him. The truth is I understand the comments asking, “how can a person continue to love you when you morph into someone that is unrecognizable?” And, the sad truth is that my weight and currently inappropriate relationship to food is a symptom of what’s going on in my head. At 55 I have a considerable amount of work to do to regain my health. Like other women on this blog, I no longer feel sensual and haven’t for a long time. I don’t blame him for moving on; no matter how much it hurts, I know I did this to myself. The woman who hypothesized that perhaps some women get fat to drive an inappropriate person away is right on point in my case. You see, I fell in love with a married man in an “open relationship.” Not so open when his wife met me in 2001 – when I was a 45 year old hottie who would spin in the morning, play tennis in the afternoon and burn up the sheets at night. The only unconditional love I’ve ever experienced is from my two (now adult) children. I %$#&@* the most passionate relationship I’ve ever been involved in. It is sad but it’s not too late for me to regain my health and self esteem. I don’t wonder why he gave up on me. It’s hard not to give up on a person who gives up on themselves. For you significant others, the only advice I have is not to say things like, “you’re not fat,” etc., while he/she’s on the weigh up. You don’t have to be cruel but you should be delicately honest. For years he told me, “I love you but I just can’t do fat.” He was honest and I still destroyed my health and beauty. Some day I may know why but in the end, the only person I hurt was me. JMHO

      3. Matt

        Getting fat and becoming disabled are not similar situations. This is the type of psuedo-logic that really frustrates men. Women say the craziest s**t.

        Reply
      4. jake

        *SIGH* why is it anytime this topic comes up the women have to try and deflect it onto the man and say it’s his fault?

        why cant women just acknowledge sometimes they are lazy over eating pigs and go from there? blaming men won’t help YOU change YOU.

        Reply
        1. Truthdispenser

          There’s a very simple answer to that…

          Because just like drug, alcohol and gambling addicts, food addicts will always find ways to blame their bad choices and bad behavior on others…usually the people closest to them.

          Reply
      5. JTC1

        Being fat is not a disability. It is disrespect for your partner though unless you were that size when you got together. My wife gained 50 pounds. I tried to help, took her to the gym, invited her to be active, tried to be supportive and nice about it. Other people said tell her it was about her health. Tried that. None of it worked. I told. …gasp….the truth. I don’t want to be in a sexual relationship with a fat person and I’m going to leave very soon if you don’t make changes. Boom…problem solved and now she understands the expecrations.

        Reply
        1. Julie Perry

          This is really directed to everyone as something to think about. Sometimes the weight comes on due to a health issue, such as a thyroid disorder. It’s not always a personal choice or overt disrespect for your partner to gain weight or feel exhausted and “lazy”. Many people never think to go to their doctor to see if something could be medically wrong. In cases like this, no amount of diet and exercise will take the weight off without the right medication to go along with it. It isn’t always as simple as it may seem. My mother had a thyroid issue and as soon as she got her medication she lost 50 pounds in 3 months, weighing 107 pounds in the end.

          Reply
          1. Moreauxx

            Gaining 100lbs is not a thyroid disorder, it’s blatantly and willfully eating at a huge calorie surplus. Ironically, medical disorders don’t just cause weight to automatically appear, the calories have to be present for the fat to form. Same with medication, it doesn’t just cause spontaneous fat growth, they just increase the appetite which is also something that is within the realm of control.

          2. Chris D

            My thyroid is jacked but I didn’t turn into an instant balloon. You have to be willing to change your diet and find ways to boost your energy, even with medication. My thoughts remain the same though: You can eat whatever you want as long as you pay for it one way or another. Fasting, or intense exercise are the preferred payment methods.

      6. Malaking Baboy

        Why is is always a man’s fault when a women does something damaging to a relationship? Just amazing, you SJW feminists. “A man cheats because he’s an a-hole. A woman cheats because her man is an a-hole.”

        Reply
      7. Tanaka

        The question is if one gains wait and somehow your spouse hints her, does one makes an effort to address it. Ladies please be greatful if u get a guy who can open up like that else you’ll just get one who says nothing but cheat on u. If a guy doesn’t love fat chicks of which you were not in the first instance be wise and make it work for the love of your relationship. U lost here Grey.

        Reply
    3. Chris

      To Stupid Husband: If your spouse is hurting, then you should be hurting. The size, shape etc of your spouse should not be in question. The only question should be is, do you love your spouse. For better or for worse is just that. Even if she was a leaper, she should be beautiful in your eyes. Real love is completely blind as Christ’s love is. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. When was the last time you sinned and didn’t have a bolder thrown threw your head. Love is unconditional. Let her know you support her unconditionally. If she becomes the size of Texas, then love Texas. Just more to love. Be a Man. Be the Man you promised to be before GOD. GOD keeps his promises, it’s now your turn. Honor your wife.

      Reply
      1. SSgt. Vibbert

        Ok after reading it this chris has no earthly idea what s/he is talking about. I am not on here for a religious war but i mean come on, really? I bet you still believe in the Easter bunny too right? The person that the wife could be could be completely excellent, until the mass weight gain then a non- consumating, unhappy, bitching all the time, mood swinging wife sets forth. you can’t honestly say sitting there typing as a hypocrite (Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, you wouldn’t have even posted) if you were married to a woman who was completely different from who you married you’d stay. Then this soldier would call you a liar

        Reply
      2. TJHORNER

        Shut up, your an enabler.
        How can you love someone that only wants to kill themselve
        then gets mad when you bring it up.

        and keep god out of it, hes not here.

        Reply
      3. nastykix

        get the eff outta here. God didn’t create her fat did He? I don’t think so. Bottom line if he wanted a fat woman he would have never dated her when she was skinny. He would just chase BBW’s

        Reply
      4. Maria

        I agree with you,but it’s clear this man doesn’t have any true Christian love for his wife or anyone else. Instead he’s a selfish and judgmental individual who probably has a beer gut the size of Texas but expects to still have a supermodel looking spouse. A five who’s constantly looking for a 10 LOL

        Reply
        1. Malaking Baboy

          I wondered when the first moron to suggest the husband was fat/ugly/whatever would crawl out of the fridge, dust the cheetos off her hands and type her idiocy.

          First, who says he’s a Christian?
          Second, who says he’s fat? His wife is fat. Her fault. Not his.
          Third, it isn’t about love. It is about sexual desire. If I want to do a fat chick, I’ll marry one. I don’t. I find it sexually revolting, on par with the idea of having sex with another man. Some men are into fat chicks, some are into other men, that’s fine. I’m not. Most men are not.
          Fourth, why is it selfish or judgemental to be honest about the fact that he is not sexually aroused by an overweight woman?

          Reply
      5. Doony

        Chris – god gave us this ONE body and expects us to take care of it. It gluttony not a sin?

        My wife is so fat she cannot do anything. I was not made to be a servant to her.

        Reply
        1. brenda

          Amen to that Doony.

          and yes, apparently some Christian folks here forget that not everything in this earth meant to be consumed in huge amount. they’d prefer eating XL size of french fries compare to a small cup of mashed potato which is a better option anyway.

          Reply
      6. Matt

        Didn’t have sex with chubbies when I was single. Why would it be any different if your attractive wife becomes a chubbie

        Reply
      7. samsamara

        wowow…what a f**king lame logic, God has asked us to give people and ourselves chance to be smart, not to while away your life in silence, suffering looking at a fat spouse…since when is love the same as being silent with your own suffering while the world and life passes you by, you think that’s GOD’s way, what have you been smoking? you can’t be more delusional – “Be a Man. Be the Man you promised to be before GOD. GOD keeps his promises, it’s now your turn. Honor your wife.” you are gonna be called a jackass and femdom addict if you follow this logic!

        Reply
        1. Chris D

          God also allowed people to have concubines, more than one wife, and divorce. These aren’t nice things to do, but hey the bible also doesn’t say being nice will get folks eternal life either. If a person becomes someone completely different except in name, are you really married to that person anymore? Christian love requires sacrifice, not slavery to someone else’s vices. The person who overeats and becomes disgusting, foul, and distempered has replaced you as the recipient of their love, in effect cheating on you. If they won’t strive to sacrifice for you, why should you sacrifice for them? She’s forcing you to become second fiddle to her love with food/laziness/self loathing. After a while there’s nothing left to do but broom this complete stranger quick as possible.

          Reply
      8. Tanaka

        Conditions within our reach are containable, gaining weight and getting fat is not a terminal deases. Love your wife and honor the love u have for her, if she gets fat work on it as a couple… it won’t help if you become unhappy. Our sexuality holds the center of our relationships, don’t fool yourself and make excuses.

        Reply
    4. Profile photo of
      BudGood

      Annon is right in my opinion. Yes, it may sound shallow to want to leave your wife because she has ballooned up for whatever reason. But, when a man decides to marry a woman, the furthest thing from his mind is the fact that she may gain substantial weight over a period of time. Then again, she may not. However, the point is that the guy isn’t marrying the girl thinking, “This is just great… in a few years I may have a seriously overweight wife and I’ll still love her exactly as if she still weighs what she did when we were married… no problem at all with that!”

      HORSE HOCKEY, my friends! If a woman is so secure in saying that her weight shouldn’t matter to her spouse, it’s just a cop-out and excuse not to attempt to do anything about her extra weight. And it works the same way for the men… the man shouldn’t think that a woman should stay attracted to him even if he gains a bunch of weight. Men, if you go ballooning up thinking there are no adverse consequences with your marriage, then don’t be too surprised when you find out your wife is bangin’ the cable installer.

      In principle, it is NOT okay to let yourself go just because you’re now married. Of course, age will play a factor in how we look when we grow older. I haven’t found a person yet where age didn’t affect how they used to look.

      MEN… what did you really expect when you married your “better half”… that she would look the same or just as great when they hit their senior years? That’s a foolish thought, don’t you think? When you are 70ish, do you think younger women will be interested in your old wrinkled a**? Very doubtful. Of course, if you are gonna cut the ties, you are best off doing it while you are still a bit younger. Same with the women. But, sooner or later, you’ll reach the point of no return. In other words, there will come a day in your lives when time WILL NOT be on your side and single, thinner women or men will be far fewer and harder to find. You’ve heard that old saying, “She knows in the first 5 minutes whether you’re gonna get laid or not.” Well, that also works both ways, ladies. When you begin packing a bunch of “junk in your trunk”, the guy you’re hoping to snag will know within the first 5 minutes whether you have a snowball’s chance in hell of even getting past “Hello”.

      The point is, you can only play the game for so long, people. YES, you only have one go-round in this life. However, if you spend your entire life looking for that perfect person who will look just as great in his/her senior years as they do in their younger years… a person who totally understands you inside and out… a person who is willing to put up with your annoying habits until the day you die, then you are wasting precious time, my friends. Chances are that you will never find the perfect specimen. And you in all likelihood will die lonely. Not exactly a comforting thought, needless to say.

      When I married my wife 31 years ago, she weighed 115 lbs. and looked like a million bucks to me. After our third child, she began to gain excessive weight and now weighs around 225 lbs, which bothered me at first, because I continued to maintain my weight of 175 lbs. for quite a while after that. But, for probably some of the same reasons, I realized that after a couple more years I too was beginning to gain some added pounds. Now, I am up to 208 lbs. WHY??? Because as we get older, most of us tend to be less active than we were when we were younger, causing us to gain unwanted weight. That’s just the way it is for most people whether we like it or not and whether we agree with it or not. I did a bit of sole-searching and decided that no matter what I do, I will never be able to find another woman who will cook my meals for me, do my laundry, wash the dishes, get me up in time for work when I simply hit the snooze button over and over and put up with what she perceives as annoying habits. And even after all that, she still gives me sex ANY WAY I want, ANYTIME I want. And trust me, she knows exactly the best way to hit my love buttons and I know exactly which buttons best suit her. Through all of our trials and tribulations, one thing is still relatively unchanged… that pu**y. That is one area that is still just as good and looks just about the same as the first day we met… probably even better since she was relatively inexperienced when we first met. Many things about a woman may change with age. But, when you spread her legs open, them lips will generally look just as inviting as the first time you hooked up.

      Don’t get me wrong… relationships aren’t all about the sex. But, sex IS a large part of the relationship throughout life. If you allow it to get boring in the bedroom, then prepare to fall asleep on the sofa watching the likes of “Walker, Texas Ranger” and “Bridezillas” and never communicating more than a few dozen words a day to each other.

      Gaining weight isn’t the end of the world guys and gals… it’s just a bump in the road that you CAN put behind you once you learn how to navigate it correctly. In her younger years, my grandmother (rest her sweet sole) was a thin and very good looking woman. Of course, by the time she reached her senior years, she had gained quite a few pounds, age spots, wrinkles and the like. However, simply knowing the sweet person my grandmother was throughout her life, I would NEVER think about leaving her or putting her out simply for gaining weight. My grandfather knew this all too well as they were married for 54 years before my grandfather passed away and never once thought of leaving her (according to him). And I believe him, too. I can only hope that I, or anyone I know, will have as good of a relationship as my grandparents had… weight gain or no weight gain.

      The bottom line is this: In the real world, most people gain weight in their later years. So, try to find a partner who, even if they gain a few pounds, you will have no problem adjusting to the change. I realize that some folks will counter my message with things like, “But, my wife gained 50 pounds inside the first year of our marriage… and that’s without kids!” If she has no more self-esteem than that, by all means, change course if you feel that’s the right thing for you. But, you owe it to yourself AND TO HER to explain your disposition on the matter. And if she still loves you as much as she says she did on your wedding day, she will get serious about making necessary changes in her behavior or eating habits. And for those who says the husband should support and help her to lose the weight, I say this…. SUPPORT, YES. But, only she can help herself to lose the weight. She will have to find it within herself to WANT to lose that extra poundage for herself and nobody else. And either she will or she won’t… and if she doesn’t, then she must not think enough of you OR HERSELF to care about it anymore.

      It’s really based on personal opinion. And this has been mine.

      AND GUYS… if you’re still hung up on whether to ditch her or not after some gained weight, take into consideration what my 76 year old 4-time divorced father told me after many years and several younger wives… “Son, I’ve learned that it is almost always CHEAPER TO KEEP HER!”

      Yes, my wife has gained quite a bit of weight over the years. But, in the end, who else would be so willing to put up with ALL MY CRAP? End of story!

      Reply
      1. jake

        Sorry but the issue is not a LITTLE weight thats just obscuring the issue= gaining 100 lbs is a MAJOR issue not some small shallow thing.

        Reply
      2. Matt

        You sound maybe a little older than some of the guys complaining here. I think we all accept that in our mid fourties the body starts to fall apart. But a young women in her 30s has no excuse to balloon up.

        Reply
          1. Kathy

            You say rich guys don’t have big weiners? But big brains? Oh…ok. Either that or the majority have small weiners….small brains…big egos….and rich parents!

      3. Moreauxx

        “One thing remains unchanged…that pu**y”

        Okay, whatever…your wife’s pu**y got destroyed the minute she popped out her first kid. Kids ironically, are a huge excuse on the list of fat women justifications. So not only are they fat and gross, their pu**y are blown out…like throwing a tennis ball down a hallway.

        Reply
        1. Chris D

          Sorry, but you’re a superficial idiot who knows nothing about the human body. Or a troll. A ruined vagina only happens when it’s ruined, and most of the time exercise will fix said temporary issues.

          Reply
          1. Moreauxx

            Resorting to name calling…you’re argument is weak and nonsensical…

            “A ruined vagina only happens when it’s ruined”

            Lol – what does this even mean? I’m guessing you lack the intellect to understand the issues with your statement. However, thank youu for indirectly agreeing with my original statement by acknowledging that the vagina can be ruined beyond repair.

            “and most of the time exercise will fix said temporary issues.”

            Lol – who said temporary? Please go to school and get an education so you can compose a coherent response. Physical therapy may repair some of the pelvic floor dysfunction in 70% of cases after birth. More often than not surgery is required to repair and restore the vagina after child birth which many women can’t afford and many insurances will not cover. Many women suffer from some form of incontinence permanently after child birth. Feel free to query the internet to read about the changes that occur to a woman after child birth from both the perspective of the woman and the partner. Often the partner misses the pre-child vagina because sex is not nearly as pleasurable after childbirth.

            I greatly look forward to your lowbrow response as no doubt there will be more name calling and indirect attacks on my semantics. If any of the words I have written are beyond your comprehension feel free to type the word that is giving you difficulty in to google and they will provide a definition and use it in a sentence for you. Good luck!

    5. Ellie G

      I read so many replies as well as the post. I think everyone has their opinion from their point of view. Others were mean and cruel. I am 75 lbs overweight. I stopped taking care of myself 10 years ago. I rarely wear makeup or do my hair. I was a head turner. Always happily caring for myself. Always wanting to look sexy for my husband now of 41 years. I did this through abuse some physical but mostly mental and emotional. I worked outside the home and lovingly care for 4 children. I am a phenomenal cook and can throw a party like nobody’s business. Every day without exception he would yell criticize me. He weighed me down with responsibilities I could barely manage. But I always pulled through. As the kids got bigger I had to put my foot down more and more. I was not going to allow him to hurt my babies. So then the hatred sets in. My Sexual desire is great. I learned late in life that a quickie did not mean 2 hour session. Even though in the bedroom I had to concede to his fantasy. Never once did he say he loved me. Never was it lovemaking just sex. But I loved him and hey nobody is perfect. I wasn’t the best housekeeper but I ran a business of which he would never let me get a pay check everything went to him. I am easily contented but I would always find a way to make side money. After all it was as he said his God while professing to be a Christian man. I lived the fantasy but ended it all after what I knew of his third unfaithful round and he demanded to prostitute me.
      He is mean selfish arrogant and disloyal. Food and sleep became my friend. Actually him calling me the “C” word in English and Spanish hurts but it would hurt more to think he would have any desire for sex. It has been four years and my sexual desire is difficult to suppress. I do not watch any movies that move me and try to look down when I walk as to not undress men with my mind. I still live in the same house as I am seeking custody of abused grandchildren. He is hard working and kind to the kids and pets. I tried to suggest help years ago but he is self absorbed. This is why I got fat. Not on purpose guys it just happened. I like any addict am
      On my way to recovery. I will lose the weight and get a little plastic surgery for any hanging flesh. A small brow lift for my eyes. By the way I have now wrinkles and can still go braless. But it’s for me my health my children my life. Not for the man who injured me to the very core. He had his chance and he blew it. So guys no woman wants to be fat. We seem lazy cause moving is an effort but I can laugh I can cry I can love. So maybe if you are a good man at heart and deep down you love her than get help so you can help each other. There will be good days and bad days but you will be happy and it’s I’m to vent ugly just not to her. Ok guys be happy

      Reply
      1. Wendy Barnes

        You did not choose wisely. And to further stick it to yourself, you had 3 kids who you allowed to see you being treated like carp. Some of these posts are people pointing fingers at their spouse, while taking no responsibility for the part they played in creating their martyred misery.

        Reply
    6. Profile photo of
      kcmoney

      I did my doctoral dissertation on obesity and during my literature review I discovered a lot of interesting things. To sum it up, men are visual creatures. That is not to say that we do not have emotions. However, when it comes to sex, a man usually has to be physically attracted to the person they are going to have sex with. A husband can still love his wife but no longer be attracted to her because of weight gain. On the flip, side, to marry someone and not expect them to physically change as they age is unrealistic. Some men will begin to bald. The wife may not find bald men attractive. Then what do you do?

      Reply
      1. James west

        Uuum balding is genetic. You accept what can’t be changed. Balding and weight gain are two different things. If a man were able to change his balding by exercising, I bet he would. No man likes to go bald, but it can be very expansive to fix. However, a woman has little to no excuse for watching her attractiveness go down the drain and have her husband deal with it. Proper diet and regular exercise will always ensure there is some level of attraction there. Balding and wain weight are NOT the same.

        Reply
    7. Fiona

      You men are visual creatures right? So explain this one to me.
      Married 23 years, loved my husband, worked, faithful, respected him, trusted him Big, Huge mistake. Left me to hook up with women twice my size on casual hook up sites. You may not find your wife’s attractive anymore but believe me there are men out there who will. If your big and lack confidence, getting action boosts your confidence big time and men like my soon to be ex husband know this, it’s easy guaranteed sex every time. I’m told I’m cute , good body and a good woman to boot. I sit home at night looking after my son, no fun, no action because I have standards. How’s that fair. The truth is if a woman is willing to put out, size isn’t an issue. Their the ones having all the fun.

      Reply
    8. Lin

      You are in a difficult situation where your head needs to win over your heart. You fell in love with this woman and gave her your promise to love her and be faithful to her until death parted you. Don’t take that vow lightly. God HATES divorce. So don’t think of that as an option. Instead, you have a challenge before you that I believe you can win. The fact that you were understanding with her in the beginning when she lost her parents shows that you have compassion and kindness. Another encouraging fact is that your wife used to be in shape–it is possible for her to get back there!! I would encourage you during this time to be honest with her and tell her you will do whatever it takes for her to be healthy again. Tell her you believe in her and will be at her side the whole way. There are many great programs out there that actually work (several of my own friends have had HUGE success–pardon the pun) and before long, your wife will be back to a healthy and attractive size. Just think how much more you will love each other after accomplishing that together! Here is a link to a program several of my friends have used (they look like completely different people after 6-12 months!). http://m.tsfl.com/mt/opt4health.tsfl.com/

      Reply
    9. Matt

      Women: If you really loved her and wanted to stay with her, her weight would not matter
      Men: If she really loved me she would get off her fat ass and lose the weight.

      Reply
    10. Tami

      I was a woman who got fat after a baby. Here’s why. It was the man I was with. He made me sad. He was not helpful or kind when I was pregnant. After my c section he didn’t take care of me. He was a bastard. I had severe post partum depression and he was so unsupportive it made it 10 times worse. A year later I was fast as shit, depressed, feeling suicidal ama his bearing on me about my weight made it worse. I was working full time, did all the cleaning, all the cooking and the baby woke me up all night every night for a year and a half. I was beyond exhausted and my weight was the last damn thing on my priority list.
      After 2 years, I left. I couldn’t take his pressuring me, putting me down, bouts of silent treatments….then, I got happy. I lost all the weight, looked better than before and boy was he salty hahaa….

      Reply
    11. Jay

      Hi,
      After reading your words , I have a very similar problem and I feel so guilty that I had to bring it up every year for 11 years. I asked her before she was married to me why was she so heavy? The answer came from somewhere in the depths of lying through her teeth about not wanting to be attractive to men any more because she had been through a bad partnership , blah , blah ,blah…???
      However after meeting me and we courted and discussed the problem together we got through it etc…she did lose her weight before we got married. She did look stunning…But after our baby was born , she went down hill again and now every time I ask her why I should find her attractive…I just get empty broken promises from her to losing her weight…I have put up with the lies for 11 years and all the excuses under the sun… I have accepted that she is just lazy really! She doesn’t do a thing in the way of housework. My God she even complains about loading the damn dishwasher !!
      I do everything in the home. I see a woman who has no self respect and no motivations to look healthy again.
      Unfortunately I have suffered from a sports injury which is degenerative and yet I do more in the house than she does !! If I didn’t do any housework etc…the place would be a Pig-sty ! I have too much self respect to get as obese as she is! And there in lies the problem I think? I have not become the man she hoped I would be , and neither has she become the woman I trusted…I have tried and tried to talk to her nicely . I have tried to motivate her , inspire her, scare her with her health. But it still hasn’t made any difference !
      She even admits she hates herself in the way she looks ? But for all that is Holy, she still won’t try and do anything about the problem ! I love our little girl , who is an angel and I would do anything for her . The thought of leaving is a nightmare as I couldn’t do that to my baby.
      So I am stuck in this lie of a marriage , with no intimacy and only feelings of mistrust and disgust towards my wife. I haven’t slept in our bed for over 8 years !
      We live together but we are apart ! I feel lonely in my marriage and if I didn’t have my daughter , I would have left years ago !
      I have sat down and tried to talk to her nicely about it and tell her how it makes me feel , but it all ends in empty broken promises .
      I’m at my wits end.

      Reply
    12. Yasmin

      I guess you would be the same man who would leave his wife is she got oral cancer or in a bad car accident and couldn’t perform sexually for you too. You don’t deserve anyone and I hope you grow old alone.
      My husband stood by me when I gained weight and when stage 4 a cancer almost took my life. I only have half a tongue and have many issues and prolly won’t live long.
      And he stands by me. Cause he is a man, a real man.

      Reply
  2. Dora

    Im sorry this is happening to you and her. As a female, i feel that it is always important to keep looking good for my man, she should feel the same.

    Reply
    1. Jelly

      A woman needs to look good for her self esteem , NOT THE MANS. If love is real then he would attack the depression with her,take her to a doctor and not just complain about her.

      Reply
      1. Chris

        That’s a sorry excuse. my wife says she has a thyroid problem yet I come home from work and sit on the bed to relax a moment and wind up sitting on a half eaten box of cookies under the covers.

        beauty is on the inside… my foot! some people just love to eat

        Reply
        1. Jim

          The thyroid excuse seems to be a popular excuse. My wife was about 125 pounds when we got married. Her weight today is 197 pounds, and she is only 5 feet 2 inches tall. She claims that it is her thyroid and buys supplements for it. She also claims that if she cuts down on what she eats, her body will store more fat as a reaction. What a load of crap. “If I eat less, I get fatter”! If so, concentration camps would have been packed with obese people. Guys, I suffer in silence.

          Reply
          1. Dave

            Dude… DO NOT continue to “suffer in silence.” I was in your shoes for a long time… married a 5’9″ 130 lb woman in 2002. A year later she was 240 lbs, and she stayed like this. Long story short – in 2010 I said F*** this in and left. I cut my losses and moved on. YES it was difficult, and YES it was initially painful, but 2 years later now I realize how HAPPY I am. I wasted 8 years of my life (prime years – 30s) with this woman but am much better now.
            Same story as everyone else on this thread – while we were married I spent years trying to be patient, encouraging her, showing love and support while inside I hated my life. She was not interested. Absolutely embarrassing to be out in public with her. Seriously, if you are suffering that much you need to rip off the bandaid and take care of YOU. Best decision I ever made.

          2. Glamourmodeluk

            is this even real you guys are the most vile shallow c*nts who don’t deserve a woman fat or thin!! waste of oxygen

          3. Mommy1031

            My husband and I have been married for 5 yrs now. We have 2 kids. He’s a soldier and stays in shape. I have gained about 80 pounds since our last child. And can’t seem to get it back off. I am considered, medically, obese. I have tried everything. I went to the drs, they say I’m not “obese enough” to have anything done medically. (ie- pills or bypass surgery) I have bought and used the over the counter diet pills, they ended up giving me breathing problems. I dont’ have engery to do much “working out” I end up feeling like I’m gonna pass out. I’ve talked to him about it, and he says that he will work out with me if I want to but then he never does. He says he thinks I’m sexy, BUT I DO NOT THINK SO. He still treats me the same today as he did the day we got married. I weighed like 150 when we got married. I was strong and stout. At about 5’8. I now weigh about 220-230 pounds. I can’t stand to look at my self naked but he wants the lights on and says that it doesn’t bother him, although as I stated, it does in fact bother me. NOW, you tell me what I’m suppose to do?!? ….. Kill my self with pills, pass out from trying to walk 5 miles a day, Am I suppose to feel comfortable because my husband says I’m sexy? Or suppose to feel digusting because society and personal reasons tell me I am disgusting. No, my husband doesn’t go after “fatties”. He loves women. All shapes and sizes. No I wasn’t fat when we got married. But……….. It’s hard for anyone to lose weight when they are so far gone. I’ve tried, and keep getting no results. And the drs won’t help.

      2. John

        Jelly,
        It’s not that simple. My wife is morbidly obese. I feel she is depressed and I have discussed it with her. She starts getting help and then gives up. We have a 9 year old daughter and, frankly, if it weren’t for the child I might be out of here. So, I live my life having sex rarely and having to think about other people while I’m making love to my wife. If simply providing support were the answer, this wouldn’t be a problem. I can’t even take a walk with my wife because she is so obese and deconditioned that she gets out of breath almost immediately. All I can do is rationalize and avoid intimacy because it is simply not an enjoyable experience anymore. Sad for both of us.

        Reply
      3. Terry55

        Hear hear.
        Many men are far too fickle about women. Image is alll they care about. How can a man walk out on his wife simply because she’s become too fat for his taste? Can’t he – won’t he – see she has depression and needs loving support to get through this awful stage in her life?
        But, no. Instead, all he can see is an object, not as the woman he loved and married, which should be enough for him to want to help her.
        Selfish, selfish, selfish – that’s what he is.

        Reply
        1. Paul M

          “Many men are far too fickle about women. Image is alll they care about.”

          It’s not an image thing. It’s because when a woman is really obese, it’s awkward to get your penis into her and she doesn’t have the energy to move during sex. May as well hump the couch.

          Reply
          1. Whatstocareabout?

            That’s what she probably thought about you right before she reached for cookies.

        2. Wendy Barnes

          But a lot of people just want the loving support and never take responsibility for getting better.

          Reply
      4. Ray

        Take her? What is she, 6? It’s always hilarious when you sit back and let folks reveal themselves for the hypocrites they are. Any other time, and in any other context, I guarantee you’d be the first person to claim women are, strong, independent, make their own decisions and don’t need direction from a man, etc. Yet, here you are.

        Reply
        1. Whatstocareabout?

          The thing about depression is, it attacks the will. It cripples it. If your knees were broken, you might need a ride to the doctor, somebody to be nice to you and take you instead of snarling “Man up and get yourself to the doctor! What are ya, a kid?” One cannot convince themselves there is any point in seeing a doctor if they are seriously depressed. It is impossible to really believe one will get better. So, a depressed person might be utterly incapable of taking that step themselves, even if kindly encouraged by someone. That same person might do great after that. I suggest that encouraging someone with depression to see a the doctor and offering to take them to the first appoint because you “care and hate to see them miserable” is the best idea. Maybe the first couple times. You just might save their life.

          Reply
          1. winston

            You say rapid weight gain but never mention the time span, your ages or length time married. In your case, it sounds like she is slowly committing suicide, so there are underlying issues. If someone is regularly depressed there is help for that (like a low dose of burproprion), that may make a huge difference. How much do you love your wife? How much does she love you? You two need to sit down and hammer out a weekly dietary and exercise plan. Count your calories. Be positive and loving. The weight is the symptom. If she refuses, move on.

            A health-oriented active lifestyle should be cultivated and noted as a priority during dating, if it is so important. Then both know it is a common goal and this is less likely to happen. Many women are in the same situation with their fat, selfish, and abusive husbands. Other couples dont have any weight issues but one partner loses complete interest in sex, after years of being together or after having a child. So you’re certainly not alone.
            You probably need to admit that you should have nipped it in the bud sooner.. Put your foot down at 150 or 160 -because for you it’s deal-breaker. But you’re ding that now. Just realize not all approaches to a problem are equal. So do your part in being supportive and loving. Does she want to lose weight?

            Obviously,. not everyone who is fat ‘eats for 10’ -those who do and become obese, or are on their way there, need to realize it is an addiction to be dealt with and one that has real solutions to it.

      5. Matt

        If you love a person you do things to honor their feelings. Allowing yourself to become obese is disrespectful and shows that you do not care about your husband’s feelings. It’s no different than a man who drinks to excess and fails to work. He is not putting forth effort into doing the things that make his wife happy.

        Reply
      6. Angry

        Sure but what if she refuses to get help? I have been dealing with a mentally ill wife for 43 years and she refused to get help because there is nothing wrong with her……just ask her.
        Self denial is her strong suit. She blames me for everything that is wrong in her life. She is an alcoholic and that is my fault too………..I don’t drink.

        Reply
        1. Wendy Barnes

          The only thing that is your fault is continuing to stay. What do you want your life to be between now and dead?

          Reply
    2. Maria

      It’s better to look good for yourself than for some man. Some men will never be pleased no matter what. I know of a woman who went so far as to get weight loss surgery. She was looking good and the man just looked for other ways to criticize. No matter what she did, it was never good enough. She finally left him. Good for her I say.

      Reply
    3. samsamara

      This is exactly what I have trying to explain to my wife for the last 4 years of our marriage, she expects me to silently suffer wearing a smile on my face while she whiles away the time not making any effort to lose weight…she only gets up when I sometimes can’t keep my calm anymore seeing my life passing away & my hair greying, she is just 5’2″ and weighs close to 160 lbs.. & guess what i never ever hooked up behind her or even flirted at work. Guess that doesn’t count for anything, I have always wanted to send the message that I will be there for her & I don’t need anybody else…BUT the woman doesn’t give a damn. We don’t have kids so all those arguments about wives taking care of kids & hence a big deal doesn’t come here… we stay far away from my parents, so in short she actually has nothing to take care of except may be her job where I work also. We make reasonably good amount of money per month, but whenever I tell her that time is passing by, she blames it on me that because I sometimes shout she can’t lose weight. Sometimes I feel numb and wonder when my miserable sexless life would end. I worked hard all my life to end up here working with a Big 4 consulting firm but no happiness or even feeling of satisfaction in my marriage…just because I wanted her to look good , is it a crime? from many comments here , will really GOD strike his vengeance on me if I feel I should move out of this marriage after silently suffering for 4 years? Am I making all the money to give away to charity and lead a life of celibacy? you are a woman, can you please give me a perspective on what I should be feeling or doing? Men are ‘Cruel’ I understand so I know what most of them will say, but you pls tell me….you sound sensible!

      Reply
  3. Thiana

    Have you stepped up with her and talked about walking together, working out together, or cooking together?

    You say she went up to 220 and is now down to 195, did you congratulate her for that and make her feel good on being on the right end? Or did you just sniff and look at her in scorn?

    How about couples counseling or maybe making the suggestion to talking to her doctor about depression that she may still feel after loosing her parents.

    After the loss of a child I ballooned upwards, I still ate well but couldn’t do much more then cry and sleep. Even with working I still did little. My husband slowly pulled me back from the edge of complete depression and after couples consulting and after single consoling I started opening up more. I’m still not back to my pre loss weight but I’m closer.

    I think if my husband did what the first responder suggested on leaving…I would be even more worst off. Your in this for better and for worse, this is the worse part. Help your wife, don’t scorn her.

    Reply
      1. Kathy

        Look……i am a woman……and I am SO tired of hearing these women have this “if you loved me you would accept me as I am crap!” If you loved YOURSELF and/or HIM you would have the common sense to know that expecting to be able to NOT give a crap about how they feel but only about how you feel is bull—-! Let me see her…..a woman can do what she wants….when she wants….how she wants….and expect her spouse to put his feelings aside!!?!! How selfish is THAT!!!!!

        Reply
      2. Angry

        I used to think that way too, I stood by her through mental issues and serious illness,but after 43 years the worse is so much more worse now than ever before. I have no idea why I am still with this woman. I just don’t have resources to pull the plug, she spent it all!

        Reply
  4. Paulie

    As a man, I feel as if our gender won’t win either way. If you continue to pretend to be attracted your wife she will assume that “my husband likes me the way I am. I am not goingt to worry about losing weight”. By not having sex with her, the wife is hurt, depressed, etc. and stays fat. How does a husband explain to his wife that he is attracted to the 115-130 lb range not the obese 220 lb range, without hurting her. Unfortunately, most people at the onset do not know anything about the other person other than physical features. So, unfortunately that is what attracted the man/woman to other woman/man. So, stop with all the psychoanalysis. A wife was 115lbs at the age of, say, 25 and, let’s say, 3 babies and 9 years later I would guess should be no more than 135 lbs. That is far from 220 lbs. Please explain the female psyche on this topic. Just because you are married does not mean you should gain 100 lbs. If you are depressed then go to the doctor, get counseling, something. But it is wrong to expect a husband to accept that you are depressed, fat, and lazy. Do sometrhing about it!

    Reply
    1. Anthony

      Man Paulie, I agree whole heartedly with you my friend. We as men are very different from women, bless their hearts. They are very emotional, and we are very visual . That’s just how we are wired. The bottom line is that I just don’t think they really realize how we think. I too am in a very similar situation as you. I’ve been married for 20 years. My wife is 5’8″, and when we first met, she was 140 lbs. She now weighs in the neighborhood of 225-240 lbs. We stopped having sex 12 years ago. I stay only for my kid as well. I can’t stand to see her naked…it makes me nauseated. There is just no way I can have a positive physical reaction to seeing her naked…sex just isn’t possible. I want to love her, but due to the lack of intimacy for so long, I am completely indifferent and resentful toward her. Some may comment that I am objectifying her, but I call BS! I know that everyone changes over the years and that she is not the same person I married 20 years ago, but there are too many women much older than her that maintain their health, confidence and sex appeal for themselves and their husbands. If I was attracted to obese women, then I would have married a fat girl and life would be even better for me today! Why should I settle for someone that I have become embarrassed to be seen in public with, who now more than ever in our relationship wants to constantly display public affection towards me? This was never the case when she was 145 lbs and hot. I am living in a private hell. I am not going to apologize for keeping myself in shape and looking good to anyone, while my wife lazily makes excuse after excuse why she doesn’t exercise with me. Just wanted to let you know that I know what you’re going through. Those that make comments that see it any other way most likely have not walked in our shoes.

      Reply
      1. Paul M

        Ahh, the old lie: that men are not emotional. We are emotional as any human – this dude, for instance, is hurt and bitterly, bitterly disappointed. But those are not the emotions that the women want him to be having, so the refuse to acknowledge them.

        Reply
        1. Angry

          Your first few words say it all. Maybe he is the one depressed and in pain over the shallow woman he ended up with.

          Reply
      2. Whoarethesecreaturesanyway?

        Yeah, I’m 46 5’5″ and 120 pounds after 2 kids in my early twenties (I was 110 until five years ago). My husband was around 145-50 with the sexiest flat belly and muscular legs ever when we met twenty years ago! He is now at least 200 pounds and all the new weight must be belly. He reminds me of a frog figurewise. I can’t measure how much it bothers me or hurts my ego that he didn’t worship me enough not to gain a pot belly because the measures don’t come that small. What nauseates me is that he wasn’t honest with me once; I still want to puke when i think of it. You might start gaining weight someday. Or get depressed. Or lose your hair. Or get wrinkled. Or have health problems. So the new woman you dump the fat one for should toss you like a piece of trash then. These women are probably trying to ease the depression and pain of knowing they chose to marry such shallow men. I’m sure it was apparent long before the weight gain started . . . .

        Reply
      3. Ava

        We aren’t so different men and women. I sincerely hope my husband respects me enough not to grow into a metric ton. I keep myself in shape because I love him- and myself. Clearly you need to find a woman that loves you and respects you. Run while you can.

        Reply
      4. Jim

        Anthony, you could put my name where yours is in your story. I am lost and living in silence. My wife tries constantly to make me feel guilty for not wanting her sexually and blames me for the weight she has gained. My kids are 12 and 15 and if it was not for them, I would be gone already. We have nothing in common anymore and are roommates on the best of days and strangers on the worst. I feel like I am in my own personal hell/prison.

        Reply
        1. Wendy Barnes

          6 years and leave. Just try to keep your home atmosphere pleasant so the kids don’t develop a terrible anxiety disorder.

          Reply
    2. Maria

      If a husband is judgmental, endlessly faultfinding and conditional in his love to the point where he witholds sex, he doesn’t deserve to be a husband. The woman ought to have some self respect and kick him to the curb.

      Reply
      1. Matt

        Men are physically repulsed by fat women. Use all the words you want to try and talk this fact away, but if you chose to become physically repulsive so that you can indulge in excess eating, then you have no right to expect your husband to find you sexually attractive. Plus women’s personalities change drastically when they get fat.

        Reply
      2. Ekatia

        No, the woman ought to have some self-respect and not become a disgustingly obese cow… You know, in which case THE HUSBAND should have some self-respect and kick HER to the curb.

        Reply
    3. Bea

      Maybe most husbands are depressing. Mine is. I’m not fat but he is depressing. Should I take him to a comedy club to teach him how to make me laugh? He has lost his sense of humor over the years. I try to teach him jokes, but it’s so depressing. Should I buy a monkey? Who knows, but the point is, being married normally sucks equally for both parties, and..um…what was I trying to say?

      Reply
      1. Dogwalker

        Thank you for this post. While I am on this site because I’m looking for ideas, I have to say your comments reminded me just how important it is to have a sense of humor. And really, I almost always laugh when I see a monkey.

        My wife is morbidly obese and I am a jerk for having sex outside of our marriage 25yrs ago. I did warn her that her lack of caring what she looked like was taking a toll, and that it could seriously affect our relationship, and it did. But the truth is I was constantly flirting with other
        women and often became infatuated with any woman who showed interest in me. My career was spent in a work force that was 80% female, so there was always drama going on. I only had sex with one of those…but it only takes one. So I’m still paying for it 25yrs later. We managed to keep our marriage, but sex is gone. I’m 60 and she’s 58.

        My wife is 5″1 and weighs over 240lbs, and she’s constantly in pain. I don’t criticize her but I do try to show her how carrying all that extra weight around would make anyone feel like crap. She has no problem being critical or talking down to me, often several times a day. I think that bothers me more than anything. I’m not sure but I think my libido is buried somewhere under all that weight she’s gained. Still, we have great kids, and she loves my dog. An occasional monkey would be nice though.

        Reply
      2. Wendy Barnes

        I would be depressed too if I lived with someone so condescending & trying to teach me jokes. Divorce him and let him have some peace.

        Reply
    4. Corrina

      Flip the he/she and that is me. I’m the wife who keeps in shape after having 2 kids while my husband has ballooned to 50+ lbs all in his gut (btw he is short so 50 lbs is a lot on him). I finally told him I’m not physically attracted to him because of it. After 18 years of marriage I still love him but I am not feeling it in the sex dept. anymore. I was resenting him for making BS excuses and empty promises. Years ago he said if he was single he would weigh 150 pounds. Am I or our kids not worth 150lbs? I know he said jokingly but you know it’s the truth.
      I will say this, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I finally pointed out the elephant in the room and feel free. I wasn’t mean or cruel, I just told him how I felt. Yes he was crushed but really how can he be surprised? I asked him would it be okay if I still weighed my heaviest when I was pregnant? No response, pure silence, not a word. Do I take that as yes that would be a problem?

      I can handle aging and I’m not looking for the six pack abs I just want a healthy spouse. No more resentment, no more dancing around the subject. Will he lose the weight I don’t know? If he doesn’t I don’t believe I will leave him because of it at least I don’t think? We will have a sex-less marriage I suppose, how sad. He knows how I feel, I spoke the truth and that feels liberating.

      Reply
  5. anon

    “for better or worse.”

    i’m beginning to wonder if those words mean anything to anyone anymore.

    your wife lost two of the most important people in her life and is trying to cope… and instead of helping her find a way to process her grief in an appropriate manner, you are threatening to become yet another important person that will go missing in her life.

    i don’t know you. i don’t know your wife. but i do know that commitment should be more than skin deep– no matter how deep that skin might be.

    if you truly loved her, you would get her help and remain committed.

    you promised.

    and when your wife feels your unconditional love, i can almost guarantee that will be the motivation she needs to finally let go of the grief–and the weight– that is making BOTH of you unhappy.

    best wishes.

    Reply
    1. ollie

      Commitments are always conditional.

      Of course, as far as attractiveness goes, one can always play mind games, use mental techniques, etc.

      Reply
      1. Samantha

        I agree, “for better or worse” still has conditions. For example, let’s say your husband decides to become a felon, become physically abusive, or commits a heinous act gainst a child, or becomes such a drug addict that it makes family/child rearing (an implied promise with most religious marriages) — that would be considered “worse” but by no means do I think the other spouse needs to condone, comply or stay faithful to their vows. I, and probably many clergy, would say “GET OUT.”

        Now I realize I’m using hyperbole to make a point, but the point is that “for better or worse” doesn’t mean that any level of “worse” must be accepted. If that were the case, people could put their live in danger. Marriage is not meant to do that.

        As far as weight, obviously it’s on the lower-rung of “worse” but I honestly believe that when people take vows they make them in accordance to the “confines” of a marriage: Fidelity, financial responsibility to support any children born of the marriage, sexual relations, etc. Those are basics. If a spouse goes from 135 to 300 lbs and simply expects the other spouse to accept this “worse” – nope. I think it’s wrong. If the offending spouse is hit by a car, in a cast, gains weight due to a surgical procedures, a life-threatening disease, etc. — by all means a “loving” spouse should be supportive, if love was in place from the start.

        On the other hands, if a woman (or man for that matter) decides to shift the deck, gain 150 lbs, shut down the sexual intimacy in the marriage and say “sorry charlie, this is it,” well I would say they are grounds for divorce (or an annulment.)

        Reply
        1. Mynor

          Would not it be great if part of the “commitment” incluides on the bride side “staying as attractive as possible” for your hubby? Most women get married and gain a LOT of size and stop wearing makeup, and stop shaving, and even forgetting that before marriage sex was important, oral sex was important, smelling good was important! Some do not even shower daily!

          Would not it be great?

          Reply
        2. Lin

          God is the one who created marriage, not you. He said the commitment was for LIFE. He says clearly in His Word that He HATES divorce. No conditions about it. He is also the One who can bring true hope, love and reconciliation into a marriage. How do I know? He says so. And He did it with my own parents.

          Reply
          1. Jason Corvin

            God hates fat people….no wait, God made fat people….God loves fat people….God is fat….fat is God….marriage is fat….I married a fat god….gtfo!

    2. Terry55

      I couldn’t have worded this any better if I tried. Well done for saying exactly how it is. Far too many men are too selfish and narcissistic to stick around when the going gets tough. What’s the point of marriage – or any committed relationship, for that matter – if, at the first hurdle, a man buckles?
      I’ll never understand the psychology.

      Reply
  6. kate

    Hi,

    if you feel that she must lose her weight, just help her.She will feel depressed if you will keep on saying like you are overweight.I feel that both of you together can make a habit of running, walking and exercising.I am sure doing together all these kind of activity, will improve your relationship and also your wife will get motivation of loosing weight.

    Reply
  7. Profile photo of duh
    duh

    YOU IDIOTIC EGOTISTICAL PIG. I am a model at 5’10” and a size 4-6. Just thought I would throw that in because I am sure that you thought that I am a fat lesbian if I am ranting all over your ridiculous post because you are a pig (like I said). Your wife should leave your crazy self-centered ass!!!!!!!!

    Reply
    1. deborah greene

      Sorry but I believe you’re reading this all wrong – this is not just about looks and vanity – the type of obesity he is describing is comparable to overdrinking, drug abuse, etc. – We feel we have every right to step in and intervene in those situations but when it comes to morbid obesity, all the sudden it’s a vanity issue…I don’t see where her husband is that out of line. I’m not talking about the few pounds of weight married couples might put on over the years; this is about bigger issues. She really needs to seek some counseling for depression, which is probably what is driving her eating habits and lack of self-control.

      Reply
  8. Pissed

    what the [profanity removed] why do men have to put up with this s**t. When a guy guys weight the wife is all over him telling him what to eat to work out more. They have no [profanity removed]in problem saying a guy has gaines weight. But whooo say one [profanity removed]in word to a women about her weight and she gets all pissy/ But your [profanity removed]ed either way. Don’t say anything about how nasty your hot wife turned to she continues to be a fat whale. Say anything she continues to be a fat whale. I’m telling my kids to marry a women who is very athletic her whole life. Otherwise its a bunch of bait and switch bull**t. I’m going to let myself start to gain a s**tload and not shave or trim or even shower and tell her she made a promise to me so she has to sleep with my smelly cheese smelling ass. She should still be attracted to me even though my balls smell like cheese and are disgusting right?

    Reply
    1. Maria

      and who do women have to put up with men who only “love” them if they are perfect in the eyes of the man? Men who are like that are manipulative, and probably aren’t perfect themselves. They are deeply unhappy with themselves and are taking it out on the woman. How would you like it if the woman decided to not have sex with you for not making enough $$$ or having too small of a d**k to satisfy her?

      Reply
      1. Mike

        Hey Maria…

        Having a small d**k isn’t something that can be changed. Being a fat lazy pig is… Simply realizing that its likely going to kill you should be enough motivation for any moral person… Looking good for husband?? Lol.. doesn’t exist anymore, no one cares.. well if there are any, consider it to be an endangered species.

        There is NO excuse for that whatsoever, none. Just pure simple laziness. And to anyone that disagrees? Simply take a look at how COMMON a problem this really is, obesity is a HUGE problem in this world.. taking MANY lives prematurely, not to mention costing our health system billions.

        Reply
      2. samsamara

        is having a small penis or making enough $$$ equal to losing weight which can be done if enough efforts are put in, and BTW women do leave men if they don’t make enough $$$ & have a decent career going…wtf are you talking about? how many women would stick to a man who isn’t serious about his caeer? GIMME A BREAK!! I guess to you ‘Manipulative’ means asking the wife to get up and lose some weight so that she can live longer and healthier… ridiculous!

        Reply
  9. Sophie

    I can’t believe how superficial and self-centered some of you men are!!! Marriage is about helping each other through the good times and the bad.

    Tell your wife that you are concerned about her health. Encourage her to see a doctor concerning her depression and weight gain. Then embark on a healthier lifestyle — together. Go though the pantry. Get rid of the junk food, find some healthy recipes and cook together. Then get active together. Join a gym or take up a sport . . . Go for walks and hikes . . . whatever. But move together. The exercise will help her so much. Finally, be a friend to her. Encourage her to talk about her grief, her feelings. She needs to feel that you are on her side. If you attend to her this way, she will lose the weight and you can be closer than ever.

    One more thing: What if this happened to you? What if you went through a really bad time, gained weight
    fell apart. What would you want her to do for you?

    Reply
    1. Paul

      Excellent point: if the shoes were reversed, I wouldn’t double my weight and then come out in an elephant pouch expecting my wife to be aroused. A woman who gets fat is physically unattractive. Same goes for a guy: women are visual too.

      The woman needs psychological counseling. Where was the husband at 130 pounds, 150 pounds, 180 pounds? He has no balls and she has no brains.

      Reply
    2. TA

      Sorry, I fell in love once with a beautiful, awesome fun active woman. Ten years later she is an unrecognizably fat, mean and constantly admonishing bitch. I’d give anything to have back the woman I married. Our divorce is final in two days!

      Reply
      1. Maria

        Maybe you need to ask yourself what you did to contribute to the breakdown of the marriage. Whenever one points a finger at someone else, there are usually four fingers pointing right back at you.

        Reply
        1. TA

          What I did? Maybe I should have brought the weight up sooner, or been more vocal. If I had I’m sure she would have told all her friends and family what a dick I was. But instead I (wrongly) assumed she would care enough about herself. Eventually, the lack of sex killed it for her. I couldn’t even perform because I physically could not get excited when she was naked. My sex drive was high, masturbating about twice a day- but my body physically reacted when I saw her naked. And this is not your expected 10-20lbs gained as you get older, she went to 250lbs from about 140 in 5 years. Call me shallow if you want, but when I see back rolls spilling on to the bed; I’m just not in the mood. I still miss my ex, but the freedom is wonderful and it is nice to be having sex again.

          P.S. I’ve been the exact same weight since high school

          Reply
  10. Bella

    Wow, first, you sound 100% like a friend that I know and I mean 100%!

    Second, I design nutrition plans and assist many in achieving fitness goals so I’ve encountered all types of excuses.

    I’m also female and have been married for 24 years; 26 years together total. I am petite-only 5 Feet Tall and weighed about 100 pounds back when I met my husband. Two children later (gained 50 pounds with both), 2 sudden deaths of siblings, the sudden death of my father, massive stroke for my Mom, death of my cat and a major career and financial crash, I weigh … 106 pounds and have a slim waistline age 44. During that time of month I creep up to 111. Needless to say, I focus on eating right and exercising.

    That said, WHATEVER! The depression line is just B.S. I’m so sick of fat people making lame excuses for being fat. As an adult, common sense should dictate that getting fat is unhealthy and that she is opening herself up to every “fat person” disease and ailment out there. If you do not have a legitimate medical reason for getting or being fat, get off your fat asses and employ some discipline, it is just that simple.

    Besides appearing repulsive, your wife needs to consider that you never signed up for her to self-administer a shorter, unhealthier life span. If she continues on the path of obesity, she will make you a widower, which is not fair to you!

    I keep my self in shape for me. Yet, I also know that my husband was was first physically attracted to me due to the original package. It’s not selfish nor unreasonable (barring legitimate medical reasons) for anyone to expect their mate to stay as close to their initial dating weight.

    **If you have already employed the above (good advice mentioned above) into consideration, and she still feels that’s it okay to shorten her life span and look disgusting, then you need to move on.

    If you have *not* employed them, I reiterate what Sophie stated:
    1. Come clean with her; tell her the truth- that you do not feel physically attracted to her because she is obese.
    2. Tell her that you love her dearly and desire to help her find her way back to good health.
    3. Aid her in eating better by doing it with her!
    4. Motivate her to exercise by doing it with her!
    5. Go to the doctor with her!
    6. Commit to a year of helping her change; the time doing all of this together will draw you two closer on both emotional and spiritual levels.

    If you do all of this, this will prove that you are apart of the solution and not just complaining about her problem. Of course, as noted, I don’t blame you for complaining! If she fails to change after you’ve done all of this… so long fatty, you deserve better!

    Reply
    1. meg

      clearly you were not an overweight/obese child and teen. it’s not so easy to lose weight if you were fat your whole life, you think because someone is skinny they are better, wow, he could be a raging alcoholic, for all you know, in fact the only skinny person I was ever raise around was an alcoholic, or he could be a child molester, or an abusive jerk. She could be a really wonderful caring giving person. Maybe she deserves better, if she is depressed she needs help. If she needs to work out get her to work out do it with her. if your never going to be satisfied, leave her it will be better for her when she finally “lets herself go” as the old song goes, and gets to be happy. You think only fat people have control issues, hahaha this whole society has not control, drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling, hookers, etc ,etc… But all of those people can get help, however, Obese people ,who do actually need to live, by you know eating just get ridiculed, and told to get off their fat asses. When science has shown that sugar is about as addictive as heroin, I mean come on. Which is why fat kids and teens nearly always remain fat adults, because it’s not just a matter of don’t eat that cookie.

      Reply
    2. Anon

      You make some great points, but I know for a fact that your six helping points will not work. My wife, who is 5′ 4.5″ tall, ballooned up to 220 lb. I’ve always been sensitive and helpful, but it does not good. A few years back, she entered a medically supervised weight loss program. Her goal was 128 lb. After a year, she was down to 135 lb and looked fantastic! She felt better and had muck more energy. She was also much more satisfying in bed. I bought her some very beautiful clothes to celebrate.

      Then she dropped the weight loss program against my advice. I told her that if she didn’t meet her goal (a mere 7 more pounds), she’d regret it. But she was done. At first the weight started coming back slowly. Then the weight gain accelerated. When she was with me, she was eating reasonably. But not when she wasn’t. She is now back up to 210 lb. She is now 54 years old and I know I will have a fat wife forever — well not forever, since her physician has told her that she already has metabolic syndrome and, if she doesn’t lose weight, she will have type II diabetes in just a few more years.

      I’m 59 and at 6′ weigh in at 157 lb. I developed a weight problem, too, and five years ago weighed 192 lb. I know that doesn’t sound too bad, but I have a small frame and I was indeed fat. I understood that this was simply because I was eating more than I require. So I changed my eating habits. I know that in reality, none of us need more than one moderate meal per day and one or two light snacks. We don’t need three square meals per day, since we no longer live in an agrarian society. I set an example for my wife of starting a meal with small portions and stop eating when I no longer feel hungry (even if I haven’t cleaned my plate). I tell her when I am feeling a bit hungry, but I don’t eat anything because I know we will be eating in just a few hours. There’s nothing wrong with feeling a bit hungry and feeling hungry does not necessarily mean that you need to eat anything. She will grab a snack anytime she has the slightest hunger pang. At meals, she eats two to three times what I do. My example is ignored. My gentle coaching, support and understanding has no effect. She loathes being fat, but either cannot or will not take action.

      I love my wife, but really, I am no longer sexually attracted to her and this makes me sad. We still have sex a few times per month, but I have to psych myself into it. And, because of her size, our lovemaking options are limited.

      Reply
  11. Elle

    Ok I understand that you are not attracted to your overweight unattractive wife anymore, but GOD forbid you lose your hair, get a paunch, lost some teeth, and become UNATTRACTIVE to her .. hope she throws your ugly ass out the door

    Reply
    1. Bird

      Do you understand the difference here you hateful dumbass? Baldness, a few lost teeth, or a little belly fat are not the same as gaining 100lbs. That is pure and simple laziness! Baldness cannot be prevented, gaining an extra human in your belly can.

      Reply
  12. Katrina

    I am a wife that has let myself go. I married my husband at 110 lbs. and about 2 months ago I stepped on the scale and wanted to gag at the 184 lbs in the window. But I have had the “talks” with my husband over our 9 year marriage, and have tried for a few weeks here and there to lose it. But I can tell you from experience, she won’t truly lose it until she is ready. I am down 15 lbs so far, and my husband has started to notice. She will need encouragement and support, after dinner instead of turning on t.v. go walking with her. Tell her how much you “love” whatever healthy meal she had made (even if the look and texture reminds you of card board) and then celebrate her. By her flowers when she loses 15 lbs, take her out on a date at 20 lbs. ect. You don’t have to tell her why you are doing it, just do it. If you let her know you see the physical changes in her and you like what you see.

    Reply
  13. Anon

    In the same boat, my wife has gotten so fat her wedding ring wont fit on her finger.

    There is no way to win this battle and you are 100% at her mercy.

    I suggest finding a mistress.

    Reply
  14. James

    There is no easy answer to this question. The biggest problem is here is that she has lost motivation, and respect for herself. Its not only about her outward appearance but also her health. And the biggest problem is all is something we all know: You CAN NOT change someone. They must have the will and the want to change themselves. All you can is support them if they in fact choose to go through the process of change.

    But she is clearly not herself, not only physically but most importantly psychologically. The two are interconnected. His reason at the surface may be a bit superficial but that fact is that a self destructive person can easily sabotage a happy relationship.

    I would definitely say foul play if he was wanting leave her despite her trying to take care of herself but from what it seems she does not want to try. At that point she needs to understand that she’s not in the kind of condition psychologically to be in a serious relationship that requires a clear mind and steady emotions. What she needs now maybe is some time out, preferably with counseling and a few good friends to get her back to her old and healthy self again. I think every woman has at one point or another needed to just take a break, recollect her thoughts and get back on track – I see her needing this even if her emotions are leaving her feeling needy. She has to find that strength within her and if she’s willing to show concern for herself and willing to tackle what is ailing her than I can’t imagine why a good husband wouldn’t be supportive.

    In summary though I think he’s well within his rights to not want to stay in a relationship with someone who’s self destructive though.

    Reply
  15. RB

    Lovingly tell your wife that you need to talk about your marriage.

    Tell her how you feel since she has gotten heavy.

    Tell her that yes beauty from the inside is important, but you are not attracted to her as a heavy woman.

    Tell her you will leave her if she doesn’t loose weight.

    Tell her you are sorry, but appearance is more important than you realized and that you cannot find her sexy at her present weight.

    Tell her that keeping herself attractive for you is as considerate as all that you (hopefully) done to please her personally.

    Reply
  16. JJ

    To the men whom complain about their wives weight, how many of you are willing to fork over the money for gym memberships or for weight loss surgery? How much money are you willing to fork over for spa treatments, facials, make overs, new clothes/shoes/accessories, for your wives to look good all the time? You sit there in self pity also because most of you don’t want to let go of the money it takes to keep looking good!! I was thin as a rail, worked out every day as cheaply as I could and my (now ex) called me fat all the time and gaucked at other women that were everything I wasn’t……I’m tall, he would gauck at shorter women and so on…..he certainly wasn’t worth all the time and effort I put into looking dam good. I divorced him and now just have a love affair with food, but I notice when ppl look at me all disgusted, they look at me like I was born this size (LMAO) which has only been the last 3 or 4 years……yet the entire time I was with him, he never exercised or any of that and had a 44 inch waste line. Moral of this story…..men are PIGS lmaooooooooooo

    Reply
    1. Chris

      That’s garbage. I come home from work and sat down on the bed to a CRUNCH! guess what? I have gone to realize that, my wife doesn’t have some typical thyroid excuse for being fat rather, she eats and eats. I found a half to 3/4 eaten package of cookies under the covers. she eats till she sleeps and on the flip side tried to blame her thyroid for her weight.

      if you eat more calories than you burn, your body must store the fat somewhere

      Reply
      1. Mark

        You married a pig, and thats your fault. By what you were saying, it probably had something to do with money, and you pretending/wanting to be something that you want. You have no one to blame but yourself for marrying someone like that.

        Reply
  17. lisa

    Boy, there are a bunch of jerks out there! It’s actually quite disappointing. Sure, she may not be attractive to you anymore but I will tell you that love changes people; it moves them into action. Real love and acceptance. When you make them feel bad because they are a certain way they will never change and if they did they won’t want you anymore! I suggest trying to find positive things about your wife and that positivity reinforced will not only make your marriage better but will help her “want” to become better… and who knows, you may just get your 115 wife back but at least she won’t resent you in the process… oh, and you might just become better yourself!

    Reply
    1. Chris

      sad to see that when someone lets themselves go, the man is supposed to just act like nothing happened. isn’t THAT living a lie too?

      Reply
  18. Joey

    i dont know how to say this , so i am just going to say it straight , i can appreciate where you may come from, but, believe , divorce sounds like an easy option but it really is one you should use until last resort. as for your wife weight , i can relate to your frustration, i’d hate my boyfriend get fat and let himself go. but the truth is complaining is’nt going to help, in the past i find the best way to lose weight and maintain it is through doing research into how to feel full and still reduce calories at the same time, eg 5 small meals a day, recipes for healthy low calory and filling diet. also get a professional to find out what is stoping your wife from motivated to lose the weight, is it because she just think it is impossible to do , hence why bother? my point is , while i understand why you may point finger at her, it is not conducive to solving the problem.

    Reply
  19. Shelby

    Put the shoe on the other foot. What happens when its him? I tried to do the exercise and eat right with him he just won’t do it. “Hey let’s go play tennis” went with me to buy the rackets and balls but won’t play. To tired, doesn’t have the time, you name it. I don’t buy the junk food and I dont eat the junk food but he does. A whole bag of oreo’s for a midnight snack. He complains about his weight and then doesn’t do a thing about it. How should I respond when he asks me if I’m still attracted to him? I’m not….. And sex? you try having someone that out weighs you by close to 100lbs on top. Its not easy. It hurts to breath for crying out loud. If the shoe was on the other foot he’d be pissed at me.

    Reply
  20. Destiny

    If you love her, you have to tell her how you are feeling..she may not even realize that she has gotten so big. Be supportive, but dont allow her to continue on the route she is on. Tell her that you want her back, the way that she was, and that you will help her any way that you can to achieve it. Above all, tell her that you love her, but that she is not the same woman that you married… I got angry at first when my husband told me, but I used that anger to change, and it was for the best, I am now in shape and look great, and our marriage is stronger than ever…but dont threaten her with divorce or another woman, that would be a mistake…just let her know that you want your wife back…

    Reply
  21. Jstar

    I myself have gained 50 pounds in the past 4 years after I started dating my boyfriend. I Have no excuse, I just got lazy with him and started following his drinking and eating habits. I myself lost 5 close people in the matter 2 months this year but instead of falling into a depression I realized how short life really is and that we have to take of ourselves and each other. I then took a deeper look into my realtionship and realized that I have spent so long trying to motivate my partner that I stopped motivating myself. My point is, if your not willing to help and support each other, and you don’t have a clear view on health, self, and just general positive well being, then maybe you should seperate. I left about 2 weeks ago and already feel focussed and on the right path to a better stronger and thinner me. Like I said if your not willing to put in the effort then there will be no results. I wish you both the best and hope you both find happiness in whatever choice you make.

    Reply
  22. Monika

    I just read most of the comments above, and i have to say that i do NOT understand you girls who are calling this man a PIG. Every woman should want to look good for her husband or her boyfriend & of course for HERSELF. I myslef gained 20 pounds during this winter, but thats because i was single & thought i dont need to look good for anyone & i love food too much! i weight 150 pounds at the height of 5’4. I dont consider myself fat, beacause i have all the weight in the right places. I met someone recently & im doing everything i can to look better & go back to 130 pounds, because thats the weight i feel good at & i also want him to stay attracted to me. I eat smaller meals & run every single day i also do a lot of more walking instead of sitting on my butt, eating and bitching that i am fat. Thats all it takes its not that hard. Im not here to criticize anyone but c’mon, don’t blame the poor man.

    Reply
    1. meg

      yes the poor men who complain about the grocery bill when you spend more money to buy food, the poor man who doesn’t want to get the kids a babysitter for two hours or for a few days a week so you can get some exercise, the poor men who don’t want to pay for gym membership. the poor men who want a clean house, educated children, and a meal on the table breakfast, lunch , and dinner. the poor men who didn’t care what the scale said before but once you had kids and got a belly even if you only gained 30lbs over your original weight pisses and moans about how you gotta lose it. the poor men, huh, the poor men who get to have a life, outside of poop, vomit, mopping and ironing. Give me a break , when was the last time most of these poor men offered to watch the kids so mom could go somewhere and do something??????????????????????????????????????? Oh like exercise, you think most people like being fat.

      Reply
  23. Destiny

    Well its the other way around for me. When i met my fiance i was at my heaviest 165-168 lbs being 5’5. Then i continued to lose weight. I stayed at 155lb for a while then dropped to 147lb. He’s been making comments of how i look good when i’m in the 140s and i should try to stay there. I was around 135-140 in my late 20s-30s. He doesn’t make harsh comments but it bothers me when he asks….for example when was the last time you went to the gym or have you weighed yourself lately. What makes me mad is he often tells me its not that hard and because i work out 4-5days a week it should be easy for me to stay in that weight zone. Well its not easy the older you get. I have to work extra hard and really watch what i eat but yet he can sit there and eat candy, ice cream, chips, cookies and all this unheatlhy junk food in front of me and drink beer everyday after work. I have to mention he is in athletic shape but he is starting to get a beer belly. He also makes comments about fat girls and then says i hope you don’t get that big after we get married. I already told him i would not get into the 160s again but he acts like i’m going to blow up to 200lbs! As soon as he notices a 5lbs weight gain this is when he starts in on me. Yes, thats right 5lbs. Whether its because of that time of month, or if i slack off from the gym for a couple of weeks, eat junk food, he notices. He says i’m like a yo yo because i fluctuate between 147-155lb. Anyways his rationale is that he’s telling me this because he wants to address this before it gets out of hand and that he cares about me and loves me and if he didn’t care he wouldn’t say anything. Also that he wants his wife to look good not big. I know this man does truely love me, he has shown it in so many ways but i think just like most men he doesn’t know how to be supportive in this matter. If only some men would get it! It would be so much help if they encouraged, support and praised us rather than making lil comments that can our hurt feelings.

    Reply
  24. TinyDancer

    To the OP…I understand that your wife is unattractive to you because she has gained a lot of weight. But you need to realize that you are being very insensitive about it. She is clearly unhappy after the loss of her parents and she is severely depressed. She might be fat, but that doesn’t mean she is less worthy of your love and support.

    You asked, “how in the world can she expect me to find her attractive?” What you need to remember is this…all women want to feel beautiful in the eyes of the one they’re with. She wants to feel loved even if she doesn’t look like a Playboy model. She isn’t taking care of herself, which is a turnoff. I understand your frustration. But I also don’t believe that you should leave her because she has gained weight. If you care about her, you should BOTH try to work this whole situation out.

    I suffer with severe depression and I’ve gained a few pounds due to illness. I’m definitely not obese, but I’m not skinny anymore. I wear a size 10-12. Sometimes my husband will give the same excuse of being tired from work just to avoid sex. I’m working on losing weight for myself because I want to feel sexy again. I want to wear cute clothes and look hot. I’m not doing it for anyone but me. I’m trying to feel more confident about the way I look.

    I think you should be more honest with her. She isn’t stupid. She can tell that you’re lying about being tired…when in truth, you really aren’t attracted to her anymore. The reality of marriage is that people will change over the years. That is what life is all about. Sometimes people become unhappy and they let themselves go. I know it’s painful for you to see this change in your wife, both physically and emotionally. But how do you think she feels? She still loves you. That is obviously one factor that has remained constant. Does she still have a pretty face? Does she provide you with hot meals and a clean home?

    It seems that there is more to it than her weight gain. Maybe you’re just unhappy with the fact that she is depressed. Her weight gain is just another symptom of that. I think she should lose weight to be healthy and then she should consider a divorce. This sounds like a very unhappy marriage. Men are visual and beauty is important, but there is no mention of you loving her at all. You only seem to care about the way she looks. I mean, you describe her as a “complete hideous stranger”…that is really cruel. I would be heartbroken if my husband thought of me that way.

    I’m not saying that it is wrong to wish you had your wife back when she was 115 lbs. But how about showing a little kindness? She needs professional help. She needs therapy and a nutritionist to get her on the right path to physical/emotional health.

    Reply
      1. Sean

        Excellent observations? What has TinyDancer said that hasnt been said already? The only thing I agree with is, yes, they should get divorced the marriage obviously isnt working for either of them. I lost both of my parents in my late 20s and of course it was the hardest years in my life, but nothing should ever be used as an excuse to give up. How would her parents feel if they could see her now? Thats what kept me going. They would want me to be strong, not pitying myself. She has to stop using the depression as an excuse and move forward with her life. Ive been through it before and exercise is what brought me back. You cant be depressed if you are physically tired. Its impossible, the body can only focus on one thing at a time. If you eat and sleep all day you enter an endless circle of self pity. If her husbands lack of attraction hasnt effected her by now, it wont, and if losing weight can only happen if you truly want it, like you said, then her husbands happiness is obviously not a priority for her and something that she truly wants. They arent meant for each other. Life isnt a fairy tail, its hard to meet your soulmate, theres no shame in admitting failure and trying again. And for all the ladies saying you made a promise, well I promised myself id be an astronaunt when I was five, and promised to be with my while until death when i was 25 and I can tell you I was just as foolish as a 25 year old as a 5 year old. As a last note… does cookie wrappers under the sheets seem like a clean house to you?

        Reply
  25. Bergeroc

    I agree with both sides of this argument…you did make a commitment to love, honor and cherish your wife ’til death do you part. However she also made the same promise, and I think that letting yourself go to the point where your spouse no longer recognizes you is not loving, honoring and cherishing them either. Therefore, you are correct in being angry and unattracted to your wife, because lets face it, you can’t force yourself to be attracted to what you are not attracted to! That being said, you did make a promise to her to honor her, and before you give up on this woman you have made a life with, you should make a solid effort to be honest with her about how you feel (kindly not with insults or yelling) and then work with her to help her lose the weight. I was in a similar situation with my husband. I have always worked out and maintained a healthy 5’5″, 120 lb figure both because I want to feel good about myself, I love sports and I love being able to run a 10k and play with my kids. I also do it because I want my husband to only have eyes for me and I want him to be proud of me. However, I think he got a little too comfortable in our relationship, because he let himself gain about 30 pounds since we’ve been married (he’s 5’6″, so it really showed). This actually happened within a year, so it was pretty quick and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I said nothing. Finally he noticed that our sex life slowed down from every day/other day to maybe once every other week. I made the same excuses, like I was tired, etc. and I did it almost unintentionally at first. I didn’t realize the reason for my loss in libido was his appearance for a while, however I think he figured it out before me and would get mad and frustrated when I didn’t want to do it. I finally broke down and told him, in a fight (NOT the way to break it to your spouse!) that I wasn’t as attracted to him as I used to be and boy he got mad! However he did start working out more after that, and we actually found activities that we could do together that we now love and burn a ton of calories (lap swimming, cycling and mountain biking)! Bottom line is, your wife deserves to know why you won’t sleep with her, your help in fixing the problem, and your continued committment to the marriage while she’s losing the weight and (hopefully) afterwards. If she refuses after a set period of time to show effort or real progress, then it’s probably time to get out, especially before there are children involved. Best of luck to you!

    Reply
  26. John

    The reason the world is such an unhappy and miserable place for so many, is because people don’t know what true love is. They think love is sex and lust and physical beauty….not unselfishness, compassion, loyalty, trust, hope….What if you got cancer, or parkinson’s disease, or a thyroid disorder that ruined you appearance? Would you want those who love you to reject you because of your “unattractiveness” or would you hope they would have enough true love and depth to nurture you and care for you and LOVE you despite your problems? I know that if your wife felt true, meaningful, loyal, love and compassion, she could rely on you to get through her grief and may have the strength to lose the weight out of gratitude to you. You would both be so much happier. And when you’re old, you would think: “I was a loyal husband and helped another human through hard times” instead of, “I was just another selfish shallow jerk that added to the misery of this world.”

    Reply
    1. Chris

      spare us your soapbox rant. truth be known, not everyone has a thyroid disease like they lay claim to. Some like to eat and eat and have to make excuses for their obesity

      Reply
  27. Jane

    I try to be the best I can be for my husband and he should try to be his best for me. I cook his fav dishes, clean our house, do laundry and take care of our kids. I stay in shape and try to be in a good mood for him. I think he could get rid of the 30 pounds he has packed on since we married. Men, please…we do have eyes and even in the dark all that lard feels like soft pudding instead of manly muscle.

    Reply
    1. Jason

      Mabe we should meet up. I am prepping for a bodybuilding contest and my wife is a good seventy pounds over weight. I work so hard to look good for her but she can’t return the favor.

      Reply
  28. Karen

    If you are not attracted to her anymore, then just move on.
    That also gives her the chance to move on too.

    Reply
  29. sky

    I read that 1 out of 2 marriages end in divorce and the divorce rate for second and third marriages is even higher. It’s no surprise after reading many of the callous and cruel comments that are mostly from men.

    I wouldn’t lose a single pound for a man who called me a hideous stranger.
    I would however file for divorce, lose the weight and get a new life.

    Reply
  30. fat ugly wife

    i was cute and active in the beginning. he never told me that but i knew. i gained a lot of weight and was fat and ugly. he never told me but I knew. I worked hard and lost the weight. 3 pants sizes. my friends and family noticed. he never mentioned it but i knew. now at 50 the weight is back, my health is bad and I am disgusting. hes never said ANYTHING one way or the other. but i know. i want to jump in front of a speeding bus because in 25 years nothing about me was worth noticing. think he will notice then?

    Reply
  31. Profile photo of Selina Kyle
    Selina Kyle

    You cannot read an article about men without it reminding us that MEN ARE VISUAL CREATURES. If they weren’t, there would be no porn. When people begin dating, it is usually because they are attracted to each other. If they begin a sexual relationship, it is usually because they turn each other on. I have done a lot of research on sexless marriages and here’s what happens when that dynamic is not there for women:

    Those who said they married their husbands because he was such a great guy, and yet they weren’t attracted to him physically are no longer having sex with them. They can’t bring themselves to do it any longer, because that feeling is just not there for them.

    And there are those women who aren’t having sex with their husbands any longer because their husbands have let themselves go…gaining a lot of weight, poor hygiene, etc.

    If you were to go on any dating site, there are numerous questions regarding appearance: weight, height, race, etc. On one site, they even ask how many times a day you brush your teeth! I have a friend who stated in her profile that she will only date Caucasian men 6’4″ and up. No exceptions.

    Shallow? Who cares! It’s what she’s attracted to and it’s her life. She can find the most awesome guy in the world, but if he’s 5’6″ and latino, it ain’t gonna do it for her. I wouldn’t date someone who was 300 lbs. so why would I like it if my husband blew up to that weight?

    (Obviously medical reason aside-come on, people aren’t THAT heartless.)

    But what’s the difference between depression manifesting in weight gain or depression manifesting in alcohol use? Both create barriers between spouses and both are major TURN-OFFS!

    Only one’s parents are supposed to love you unconditionally-A spouse is not supposed to be EVERYTHING to you. They should supplement you, not COMPLETE you. Anyone who believes we should unconditionally love our spouses no matter what they do, or who they become-however heinous that may be-is living in a fantasy world.

    Reply
    1. Maria

      Men may be visual creatures, but they aren’t limited to that. Only the most emotionally immature would insist that only the looks count. There are men who are very happily married to women who are larger sized. In fact, they married those women while the woman was big. So to presume that all men like skinny women is erroneous from the start. Much has to do with personality. Chances are the men who complain about a woman’s weight are probably not that trim themselves. Also, they may be very critical people who are unhappy about other aspects in their lives: maybe they’ve plateaued at work, or can’t find a better job. Maybe they have erectile dysfunction and is trying to blame it on the wife instead of actuallly doing what they need to do health wise to eliminate the problem? Lots of factors here. This idea that the man is some Adonis while the woman is a hippo is laughable.

      Reply
      1. The Cynic

        Actually, the individual that maximizes self-pleasure and ignores their spouses’ primary needs and wants that is emotinally immature and selfish. It is not for YOU to decide what is important to your SO, nor they you.

        If you are not willing to recognize and meet your spouse’s needs/wants then marriage might not be for you.

        Reply
  32. Dan

    I can sympathize with the writer. My wife was slim and a cheerleader in high school but gained 50 pounds while we were in college. Before our wedding, she went on a crash diet and lost 25 pounds. I thought she had her weight back under control but she soon started eating like a horse again. Combined with a sedentary desk job, she blew up like a balloon and is now pushing 300 pounds. What happened? She says she’s happy this way.

    Reply
  33. Cindy

    Your wife is more than what she looks like, find out who she is. Many women get fat in a marriage to avoid their men because their men have stopped treating them well, it is a subconsious way to distance oneself from any unhappy relationship.

    Reply
    1. Chris L.

      Please!!! Its called you got luck! A good looking guy married you and now you have nothing at stake anymore. You’re comfortable and don’t give a damm anymore.
      .
      My wife is the same way. She was a little heavy before our wedding, but years before had looked really good (late 20’s & early 30’s). A few years before i met her she had put on some wait, but still looked decent. Before we tied the not she went on a crash diet. She hates exercising!

      Apparently, it was to fit in the dress and not a change in lifestyle to look better for me or herself. Now i am stuck with a woman who is not only 10 years older then me, but now almost 50 lbs heavier than when we tied the knot (one year ago).
      .
      Disgusting! I can barely tolerate sex with her and she always asking, why are you so grumpy? Whats wrong with you? I have tried to tell her but she HATES exercising. I spent my hard earned bonus on an eliptical for her and she doesn’t even use it! Insulting!
      .
      You chicks are dead wrong! Letting yourself go and gaining a lot of weight is not part of better or for worse, death do us part, its called a switch and bait, con job with you spouse. Lure them in snag em and then bam, sorry, I don’t care about how i look, your stuck with me.

      Reply
      1. A

        It’s not called bait-and-switch, idiot, it’s called getting old. Everyone gets old and unattractive in some way. Weight gain is a pretty common one for women… Metabolism changes, for instance. I also love how she was heavy before you got married but you were dumb enough to still marry her. This advice goes to anyone: don’t marry someone thinking they are going to change. That makes you the jackass.
        Also, I seriously doubt you are still the great looking guy you seem to think you are. And if you are – then by all means, leave! What are you still hanging around for? You’re not doing her any favors by staying with her when you despise her!

        Reply
      2. Maria

        You’d better re-read your wedding vows, there’s nothing in there that say the bride must stay thin. Sounds to me like you’re a woman hater.

        Reply
    2. Ben

      Your comments are obviously wrong. everyone who reads them are now dumber for it.

      Its clear that you are making excuses. I bet you believe that obesity is a disease and you need to cure it with pills, vitamins and supplements.

      Reply
  34. HowItReallyIs

    You know, I can’t help but compare this situation with similar ones I have read about from womens standpoints, and there is such a double-standard whether women want to admit it or not. Don’t believe me, Google “I’m not attracted to my husband” or “my husband is too fat” and read some of the posts and then google the same thing again but replace husband with wife and look at the vast difference of responses, it’s sickening. If you’re a woman going through this “you’re so strong and courageous for dealing with it and telling him how you really feel” but if your a man your nothing but a shallow pig who must be an asshole to her because when men are honest like this it’s unacceptable but when women are it’s “empowering and liberating” blah blah and so forth.

    Reply
    1. Maria

      Because the men are being shallow and mean. When I see a man saying he intentionally won’t make love with his wife, I don’t think he deserves the “husband of the year award.”

      Reply
  35. joe m

    It is a difficult issue my wife has done the same thing. Over the years her activity levels have reduced and her food intake has increased! Her weight has doubled!!I can still fit into my wedding outfit but she would have to seriously alter her wedding dress to get into it. I understand that people age and put on weight over time but that doesn’t excuse bad diet and lack of exercise. I think the other problem is that some women who after children go from a lover to a mother and shift almost 100%! That is none of your previous life exists except for fading memories. The only way a marriage will survive is if you keep some of the magic alive, relive some of those moments of attraction and passion with time together. If you don’t like fat and it turns you off you either leave or find some other solution, strip clubs for starters! However if you get caught, your the dirty dog. Meanwhile the fat lazy slob at home gets all the sympathy. It’s not like anyone will say listen he hasn’t done the right thing but turning into the size of an RV hasn’t helped either!! That marriage contract that others have waved around is all fine but maybe it needs an amendment to the sickness and health clause. How about an exclusion clause in regards to significant unsightly weight gain, substance abuse and domestic violence for both partners! As for me I have given up and don’t bother anymore. When my children are a bit older I will look for a different solution…………………

    Reply
  36. sool

    I had the same issue with my wife. At 21 she weighed 120, then 150, 200, 250. 17 years later she weighs 265. I’ve given up to the point that I just want her to pack it on to get it over with sooner.

    Reply
    1. Amber

      I wonder what your wife will say when she rolls over in bed and looks at you laying there buck naked at 70 years old with gross old man ba**S hanging to your knees, hair growing out your ears, and winkles deeper than ocean waves crossing over your wrinkle behind.

      Reply
      1. E

        and he’ll look back at her floopy boobs hanging down to her cankles along with her liver spotted wrinkly face.

        Aging is inevitable, fatness is not.

        Reply
  37. sloan

    For better or worse…I don’t remember hearing, “In fatness too.” If the person presiding over the marriage vows added in, “For better or for worse; in slimness and stark obesity”…would we men have said, “Hell Yeah”. What if the same hypothetical person said to the woman, “For better or for worse, when he may sleep with your best friend, sister, aunt and cousin, when he is an alcoholic and a drugatic”… would you women say, “Hell Yeah?” Let’s be honest here, there are behaviors that both men and women do not like and would rather not live with. I don’t see why men are supposed to lie about the appearance of their spouse as if it is some holy grail that cannot be touched. Women in general do not seem to have trouble talking about their husband acting like an **shole when it strikes their fancy. Just as men do not seem to have a problem talking about how they think their wife is working on doubling her overall mass. Women, cast stones if you want too, call men what you may, men are men and I have yet to meet any man that has said and mean, “I really truly love my obese wife soo much, she could even get bigger and I would love her more and if she started to look like my grandmother at the age of 45 I would lover her then too.” They do not, because it is definitely not true. This is in the same manner as no woman would say,” I just love it when he comes home drunk calling me a b**ch and a *hore, and the more he does it, the more I love him for it.” Of course some may say, you are comparing apples and oranges but, to men we are not. It’s how we see it, that does not mean that women should see it the same way but, they should realize the differences between men and women just as women want men to think and believe, “Her looks don’t matter”. If looks do not matter then why did he not marry your grandmother instead? Let’s keep it real….Did any woman reading this set out to marry a man with a slight drinking problem who had a pot belly and flips burgers for a living?

    Reply
    1. Maria

      Way I see it? Anyone who marries thinking the person is going to stay the same for the rest of their lives (be forever 25) probably is too immature to get married in the first place.

      Reply
      1. Brian

        Maria,

        This is one of those arguments between men and women that will never be resolved—but I think that it is the responsibility of both parties to maintain, as best they can, the physical appearance that both parties were attracted to from the beginning. It’s unfair of either husband or wife to expect their mate to find them attractive after they’ve gained such a significant amount of weight. This is especially true if one of the parties has maintained or improved their physical health and appearance.

        I’ve always been into health and fitness. My wife however, was genetically gifted with a very shapely, voluptuous body. It was what initially attracted me to her. The fact that she was highly educated, ambitious, and carried herself with dignity was the icing on the cake. However, she’d never had to work out and was totally unaccustomed to pushing herself physically. So after our first child she put on about 35-40 lbs. At 5′ 2″ and already voluptuous at 140-145lb—you can imagine the results. Again, she was blessed enough to have most of the weight in all the ‘right’ places. She also continued to be surrounded by friends and admirers who continued to tell her she looked great. To me, however, I wanted things to go back to how they were. It becomes increasingly hard to speak about weight loss to someone who still—by all intents and purposes looks good. Hell, with Spanx you can hardly see any unsightly bulges. Every time I would bring up anything about fitness, she’d get defensive and start telling me about who’d hit on her that day, or which female coworker asked if she’d lost weight or told her how good she looked. Of course, I looked like a heel in comparison—but I’m the one who’d see her in all her glory.

        Anyway, 11 years and 2 beautiful girls later, it’s still the same uphill battle. It’s been a cycle of false starts. Before she gets a chance to see any benefits she quits whatever diet and or exercise program she’s on. The last being the master cleanse—which I agreed to do with her as a way to show my support. We were both in it and doing well, but after 5 days she began to cheat and after 7 she gracefully bowed out due to business travel. I however, finished the 10-days, eased back into complete vegetarian diet, came off BP meds, and dropped 12 pounds! In fact, I was so complimentary about the program that I convinced several coworkers to take it and am still being asked by others about it. I run 12 miles a week, and box in addition to lots of old fashioned sit-ups, dips, pull-ups, etc. We have a full gym in our basement including boxing equipment. We’ve had it for years. Everyday I find that I have to remove hanging clothes from the laundry before I can use the equipment, LOL. It seems like the harder I work, the less motivated she is to follow my example. She always says she has to go at her own pace and she’ll get there one day—meaning my level. But with all the false starts over the years, she will remain at her current level. I can’t get her to push herself past her comfort zone.

        I love my wife, she is beautiful and a great mother and person. There is no thought of leaving. I simply want my sexy wife back and I know that she wants it too—even though she’s settled into this role of motherhood and accepted her weight gain as a part of life. I know she’s not happy with it.

        Women say a man should grow up and be less superficial—but I don’t think it’s immature to want to be ravenously attracted to your woman. Having to fake excitement and enthusiasm when it’s time to make love is not healthy—it’s living a lie, and will create resentment. I’m no liar, that’s part of my problem. I was never a good liar. I want to feel the same gut reaction I felt when I first looked at my wife. We have a good 20-30 years ahead of us. We should still be in our prime, in prime condition.

        Reply
  38. E

    Sorry ladies but the guys have it right. It shows a total lack of commitment or respect for your partner to let yourself go like that. That goes for men as well as women.

    For all the ladies saying the OP is being insensitive, how else do you state that 1. Your wife is fat 2. Your not attracted to her? Thats not being insensitive its stating the facts.

    Not only does her weight obiviously affect her, it affects him as well. From not getting enough sex, to the crappy junkfood that is in the house, her poor eating habits will negatively affect him physically as well as mentally due to the strain and stress its putting on the relationship. Easier said then done but give her a deadline and stick to it, let her know your willing to put in all the effort to help her out but if you don’t see progress your out. there is no use sticking to a loveless sexless relationship with no hope of change, people either want to change or they don’t waiting forever usually doesnt help.

    Reply
      1. The Cynic

        You mean, like being judged by our wallets? Everyone has different priorities. None are more ‘right’ than any other, just different.

        Reply
  39. Richard

    I have an obese wife too, it is not fair for both of us. I have spent thousands of dollars on her weight, she hates vegetables, and blames it on her genes. Max was 250 and she may lose it and get to a repectable 140 pounds but I may divorce her on principle alone.

    There are second chances in life, deep down do not disappoint yourself and let her know who is boss.

    Reply
  40. right1934

    My wife and I have been married for more than 20 years and we have 3 kids. We have been through so much together. Loss of a baby, death of her dad and mine, lost our grandparents, both have dealt with depression, I ‘ve had kidney cancer and several other surgerys, she’s had several and we have continued battling a lot of things together. That said I’d say we are very committed to each other and our family. Through all that what’s missing is intamacy. We have grown apart because she is self conscience about her weight, ~ 200 lbs, and I am not attracted anymore. We had several gym memberships which eventually she’d quit. I’ve quit now. I’ve tried encouragement, eating differently, spicing it up and finally having several talks about the lack of care she takes…yes I told her she was unattractive. In the end, it comes down to her making a decision to take care of herself for her and us or not. We’ve both made those life long commitments and if we are truly committed we will mutually make the necessary changes needed to improve our health, and rekindle the passion we’ve once had.
    Encourage one another, love one another, support one another, be honest and at the same time be accountable to your partner. Our families deserve the effort. In the end if you are the only one making an effort…..find happiness elsewhere.

    “Endeavor to Persevere”

    D

    Reply
  41. Dave

    What is wrong with you people? Society has become so obsessed with looks over personality.

    If the end of the world is in 2012 I welcome it as the human race is corrupt, inhumane, and a disgrace.

    Reply
  42. julie

    what can i say, i feel your pain . but u must understand that men and women don’t work th same, phisically. u guys have the ability to loose weight way easier than us, because you have much less body ft than us. it is normal that it is gonna take more time for her to loose the wight than what you expect of her. now, the fact that you seem so frustrated and desperate, the fact that you take the time to write this , wait fr opinions on how to help your wife shows me that you really care for her ( or that you’re looking for approval to give u a reason to leave her without feeling guilty) . either way, i know that the advice i’m about to give you is gonna seem cruel to most of the people here and that their gonna give me lots of negative thumbs, ut i don’t care about them.this advice is for you and you only: be ferm. show her that you’re ready to leave (for real) . force her to prove her love to you, to make a sacrifice the same way you are doing now. if u don’t do that, she’ll never loose the weight. she’ll stay the same, assuming that you’re not gonna leave her no matter what. but if she really believes that you will, and if she really loves u , she’ll do it !

    you see, i’m a 28 yrs old woman and i weight 60 kilos for 180 cm ( something like 6 ft in america). i’m skinny and i hate it !!!! for me, a beautiful woman has to have a belly , an ass, curves everywhere. for me that’s the definition of beauty. but beauty is relative, and also very important ! make her understand that you don’t hate her for having that size, but that’s just not the kind of beauty that attracts you, period. ths way, she will not feel like trash, but she’ll know that you’re not happy, and she will do something

    Reply
  43. Derrick McCowan

    Picture this.
    A woman marries a man with a master’s degree and very good paying job. Before marriage, they discuss how they’d like to live in such-and-such kind of house and send their kids to private schools with a vacation to Europe every now and then.
    After the wedding, the man quits his job and says he’d like to stay home with the kids, live on food stamps and move into a trailer. He also starts sleeping all day and not taking care of any of his work around the house.
    It’s clear that this man is a cad who did his woman wrong by misleading her into thinking she’d have a good life then giving her a rotten one. Right ladies?
    Women do exactly the same thing when they trick a man into marrying them while pretty then blow up like whales.Don;t give me all this crap about how a husband needs to tiptoe around a woman’s feelings while she treats him like garbage.
    Yes, my wife has turned into an obese, lazy hog and this is how I feel about it.

    Reply
    1. Karen

      Excellent analogy Derrick, exactly. I know too many women who think a marriage license is a free “get out of jail card” for eating and sloth after they get married. They’ll gain, complain that they work “so hard” yet the house is always filthy, etc. Yet, if their husbands ever dared to quit their job, or take a much less paying job (voluntarily) they would scream bloody murder. Something very wrong with the picture.

      Reply
      1. The Cynic

        It’s exactly the same thing and you *should* know it. Both are ignoring/minimizing their spouse’s needs.

        Reply
  44. Sarah

    I have always had a problem with my weight. When my husband met me I weighed about 185lb. A year and a half later when we married I was around 200, and I somehow managed to go up to 250 little more than a year later. He confronted me directly, and told me how much he was struggling with my appearance and that while he still loved me, he no longer enjoyed going out with me or being intimate with me and that I needed to change. I knew he was serious, and got my ass to the gym. I still struggle with my eating habits, but I have dropped 50 pounds in about four months. I take yoga classes when I get stressed out, and we go for a walk or even jogging once it’s gotten dark. Work with her, and if she isn’t willing to then you need to see a marriage counselor.

    Reply
  45. Jack1

    I meet my wife one year ago, I love the way she looked and the person she is, just 60/70 pounds over weight I though it was solvable problem. I have trying anything to help her and lose weight without been rude, training, walking together, eating healthy. Zero results. Now she ask me to have a child, and I’m thinking if now she weights 240 pounds how she will look after a child?

    Reply
  46. Inferno

    My wife got fat.

    I told her “Lose weight or let me stick a lighted cigar up your bum.”

    Anal ashtray for the win.

    True. Yes men, I am your God.

    Reply
  47. person

    christ – the shallowness on this forum is beautiful (being sarcastic) – my wife is 240 – 260 lbs idk she’s never told me her weight (i wish she did cuz i love her and she shouldn’t feel self conscious with me) – if you marry a person – READ your vows – if there are clauses for looks ok get out (reprehensible) – but if you can’t keep your word man – you are ugly inside — i do understand you find it tough – but your wife is a person – a human – if you cant express basic human kindness i.e. love to a person in pain or someone stuck in a cycle – then you should look in the mirror

    Reply
    1. sloan

      To those whom come here and trash men for their wantonness…..

      If a man is ok with his wife’s excessive weight more power to ya. For most other men, looks do matter. Size does matter, and for many women size does matters to them too, just not as much. (Do you know any women that truly wouldn’t mind if their hubby turned into “Jabba the Hut”)

      I do not think its too much to ask a wife to keep the same weight as she had when she was married. If the wife likes to sit on her behind most of the time and socialize on the net while eating ice cream/chips/chocolate and having a nice bottle of wine, that is called lazy. Most women are too lazy to keep their weight at a reasonable level. I do not expect women to run themselves down to look like a toy doll but, they should put forth some effort to keep their hubby interested. Just as they want their hubby to put forth some effort so they feel loved and accepted.

      If a women thinks 240-260 is just as good as 145-165 then there is more than one problem PROBLEM! Not only will it most likely turn her man off, (maybe that is what they really want) there are HEALTH risk involved with that too. If women are not able to LOOK AROUND and notice that most men like good looking women as opposed to fat cellulite covered asses then they are living in DENIAL. If they think it shouldn’t matter to men how much cellulite they drag around then they are not living in reality. Example, HOLLYWOOD does not put a bunch of obese unattractive women on TV, WHY BECAUSE IT TURNS MOST PEOPLE OFF and they will loose MONEY from lack of advertising!

      As far as being ugly inside (as some have stated)…everyone has a dark side somewhere inside. Most women don’t want a man to sit on his behind, drink himself into a stupor everyday, create a spare tire around his waste while packing down pizza and burgers. In case you have not heard there is an obesity issue in this country. So what if we/most men want a trimmer wife that wants to heat things up in the bedroom? Do you really think if a woman watched her weight and got a little dirty/freaky with her hubby a few times a week that he will not be more attentive and open to her needs? Some might even say that men who care not for the their wife being 100 lbs overweight are enabling them to continue increasing their health risk.

      Its seems like this to me, most women want their cake and eat it too. They want all the love and acceptance they should get from their man while having an attitude of who really cares if he thinks I am not attractive and have turned into a nun, “I am not getting my needs met so up his bum with what he wants.”

      So the cycle continues….someone will have to give way for the things to smooth out, but who will it be? Most men don’t want to give total acceptance to their big wife because that just says, “Its OK” when they really think, “Its not OK, I hate living like this, I hate it when my wife jiggles when she walks, I did not marry her that way.” (Surprise suprise women can have the same perspective about their man)

      Where is the dedication from the woman to her husband about her appearance, where is her dedication to her husband about his physical needs. Most people are just repeat what is on TV about love and acceptance while on the other hand they same stations tend to put on good looking women on instead of those whom most would deam unattractive.

      This is what I think most men want from women…

      1. keep up personal appearance, which obviously includes watching their weight

      2. Keep the house relatively clean. (Yes the man should be helping out)

      3. Keep some heat in the bedroom, at least once a damn week!

      4. Be respectful of their hubby and avoid things that will publicly embarrass him.

      5. Be a good mother to the children (Yes the man should be helping out)

      So there ya go, five basic things in no specific order.

      This is what hear from most women want…

      1. Unconditional love and acceptance regardless if their husband finds them attractive or not

      2. Don’t be concerned about sex, unless she wants it

      3. Pretty much agree with whatever she wants, when she wants and how she wants. This can be an all inclusive of anything you can think of…

      4. The man should do most if not all of the yardwork

      5. The man should take car of the cars too

      6. The man should be handy

      7. The man should make more money than her but spend less

      8. The man cannot have new toys unless she approves…(By toys I mean something more expensive than GI Joe from wally world)

      9. Pretty much let the woman rule the roost

      So it is my opinion that men are willing to let the women have the most sway in a household, we are willing to make more and spend less, we are willing to agree mostly with what their wife says and thinks and does, we are willing to do the yard work, fix the cars, patch things up around the house, help with kids, help clean, help cook and so forth BUT,

      WE WANT A WOMAN THAT IS ATTRACTIVE TO US, WATCHES HER WEIGHT, DOES NOT DISRESPECT US, GIVES US SEX ON A REGULAR BASIS, IS NOT A SLOB AND LOVES THE CHILDREN…

      I guess most men are just a big group of neanderthal, selfish, pathetic, bastards for wanting those things RIGHT?

      Reply
  48. melissa

    well i was feeling blue to began with now im crying and basically want to put a hole in the back of my head. so i got fat and im 43 and my husband doesnt want sex with me or doesnt find me attractive but he is 61 and had a colostomy bag from a severe surgery ,i never left his side or said anything about it just went on loving him and finding him as attractive as before . then he had it reversed and no more bag ,i still love him but he stills looks at me like im a big obese ball of ugly goo..wtf ,really i have excess weight hanging off and you have a big ass pile of shit which i took care of 24 seven and you mean to tell me my skin was gross.lol lol lol……talk about a twisted messed up world in which we live in. for everyone of you men and women who think it cant happen to then you are sadly mistaken it can happen ,i pray that you drop hot grease on your perfect bodies and your spouse throws up on you when he or she looks at your massive scars and he or she wants a divorce .sounds pretty bitter but really there is no difference.hurtful is hurtful.

    Reply
    1. KylieK

      Melissa divorce the asshole. You might be shocked to find yourself a few months after with all the weight gone. Being married to a selfish, heartless pig who only valued you for how you looked and what you could do for him probably has a lot to do with how fat you got in the first place. Dump him, lose the weight and start fresh with your life.

      Reply
      1. Drake

        I think she is the selfish one for letting her self go like that. Every person has a responsibility to themselves and GOD to keep fit. Especially married people whom need to keep attractive for their spouses. Weight is not something that happens in an accident like a burn or paralysis. It is something that one can control and maintain. If she has gained all that weight she has obviously lost respect for not only her self but for her husband as well. I feel that she is the selfish PIG! I think he should leave her and find someone with better self esteem and caring for themselves.

        Reply
        1. Alice

          Weight isn’t always something that can be controlled. Certain medications, physical disorders (like depression) and other issues can cause weight gain, sometimes even rapid weight gain. Maybe he needs to discuss the problem with her outside of the bedroom like a grown up and frame it as concern for her health, which he should be concerned about because obesity is a huge problem.

          If she used to be 220 and now she’s down to 195 that’s an accomplishment. He should be supportive and encouraging, and then maybe she would lose the weight faster, but she’s making an effort so that should mean something.

          Reply
          1. Christie

            First of all, CONGRATS TO HER FOR THE WEIGHT LOSS!!!
            I absolutley agree that it can not always be controlled! I am really saddened to hear how shallow people really are (both men and women)!! No, no one should ever wish ill will on anyone or make them feel bad for any reason. This is a bully no matter which view you have! Someone can not help the outcome of an accident (burns, scars, etc.) but like stated above, not everyone can help weight gain due to depression or medications. I say this because a person’s looks are their looks… if you are so concerned with their waistline then you would be just as concerned that someone’s beauty was taken away by scars, or wrinkles from getting old, or gray hair, or stretch marks from having children, the list is endless. I guess I missed the info that he is still the guy she married! He hasn’t added any pounds to the scale, gotten older, lost any hair, etc…. has he always been this mean? If you are that concerned with someone’s looks that you are willing to overlook other great qualitites, then you are in for a lot of trouble my friend! People change! All of us! No one is the person they used to be! People lose weight, gain weight, mature! Although, maybe that is why people pay alot of $$ to stay young, they never grow up!
            I will say this too which will open me up to a lot of these rude comments, but I battle depression and I got the heaviest after I got married because of the medication I was on. I am currently losing the weight, however, the fact remains, if you don’t love me just the same at my worst, then YOU DON”T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST!!! My husband doesn’t look or act like he did when/before we got married, but I still love him just the same. You have ups and downs and you really should give you opinions some thought before you are in the same situations with someone else and you hurt your wife even more!!! Wouldn’t it be a shame if you were on wife # 10 before you realized oh wait, I should have stayed with (insert person’s name)! Or you could become really rich and buy the women you are with. Then you would always have a barbie doll around! I’m not trying to be mean, I am just giving you suggestions since looks seem to be SO important to you rather than character.
            Oh yeah, for the “you must be fat” comments, my gaining weight didn’t stop people from paying me attention, complimenting me, hitting on me, or others from showing signs of being jealous. I’m not bragging by any means!!! I actually don’t think too highly of my looks and never have! In fact, I don’t like to hear how pretty people think that I am (except my hubby). It is embarrassing to me! I am simply saying beauty is not based on a person’s waistline!! Also, being thin doesn’t mean someone is healthier. Those that are being critical, take a look at yourself before you bash someone else!! There is ALWAYS something that needs improving! Or maybe you know this and that is why you are so obsessed with pointing out thing that need improving on others to make yourself feel better about your won faults. As it has been stated, I do think we should try to look good for our partners, however, gaining weight DOES NOT qualify as a failure to do this! It is often the people who stop brushing/fixing their hair, caring what their clothes look like (matching, wrinkled) and so on that are refered to as letting themselves go.

          2. Maria

            Something tells me that even if that guy’s wife gets down to 115 lbs, he’d just find something else to criticize.

    2. Matti

      Most fat women lose the weight after they are dumped. There is a big difference between self enflicted ugliness, like getting fat, and uncontrolled sickness. Fat people are not sick, they are just lazy. Fat women are offensive and they smell like the poop stored in their bodies.

      Reply
    3. Yomama

      You mean drop hot grease on my “perfect body” after having 3 kids & work my azz off to maintain? Sheesh lady. I feel so bad that you are so unhappy, but to wish ill will on others is just wrong. It is so sad when a married spouse is not attracted to their mate because of weight. I know people call guys jerks for this, but a guy can’t lie to himself & pretend he’s attracted to someone he’s not. My husband loves me dearly & he’s never said “stay fit” or anything, but if I gained 100 lbs, I wouldn’t blame him for not wanting sex. Hearing the truth would hurt, but that’s the way it is sometimes. 🙁 However, I think spouses who can look past weight & things like that are wonderful, but I’m not sure I could. Take care! God Bless!

      Reply
    4. Wendy Barnes

      Eat less, move more. Divorce him so he does not get on your nerves anymore. Then you are free to be whatever and do whatever. Until then what each of you do and say affects the other person. Be free if you are over it, and quit complaining.

      Reply
  49. Adrienne

    I’m sorry but I can’t resist to respond to this post after having read some of the shallow posts from both men and women. I find it a bit disturbing people are suggesting divorce simply because of weight gaining. As a christian I believe in marriage vows for better for worse, in sickness and health, etc yet it seems these vows get taken for granted when things don’t go well or is so perfect. My mother has been struggling with weight for years and though my father has got on her about the weight they are still together. I seen heavyset people in happy relationships and marriages so everybody has different ideas about what is attractive. As for the last comment it is totally misleading to call someone a selfish pig for gaining weight and i disagree that weight gaining has anything to do with a lack of commitment or respect for their spouse, but may include other reasons, to suggest that it is shows a bit a self-centeredness, don’t mean to be harsh but that how i see it. I think the real problems in marriages is sometimes the person is so caught up on what their spouse should be giving them or not giving them, they don’t consider what their spouse is not getting from them or what he/she should be giving to their spouse. Other problems stems from fact that people don’t invest enough the good qualities their spouse has when their are so focused on the negative changes or what they aren’t anymore. As for the OP, I he seems fixated only on her weight gain but remember he said she lost her parents, so depression may play role, she was 220 lbs about is now 195 lbs. Does he praise her for the weight loss? As for her not being the same person anymore, does that have to do with her looks or her character? Divorce shouldn’t even be an option in this case. Rather making her feel so undesirable, remember and value the good qualites she still has that made him love her in the first place, see the beauty in her not just physical beauty but inner beauty. Let her know he’ll always be by her side and motivate her in a positive way to lose some of the weight.exercise and workout with her. Never put her down or belittle because that will backfire. Also be prepared of the fact that she’ll maybe never be a 115 lbs even if she does lose a lot of weight, or ultra skinny but that doesn’t mean she still can’t be attractive. Just remember the marriage vows you made towards each other better or for worse.

    Reply
    1. mel

      Adrienne i agree that weight gain is not a reason for divorce. And you are also right that marriage is give and take. In my opinion no man has the right to demand what he likes from his wife if he is not willing to give her what she likes.

      That being said. You make it seem as if a person ideal weight can’t be achieved through discipline, eating right, and hard work. You are making way too many excuses for her.

      Yes it is selfish for her to let yourself go if she knows that her husband likes her a certain way. What are you saying? That weight does not matter? That its ok to let yourself go?

      Physical appearance matters no more or less that emotional stimulation in a marriage matters. You guessed it, they are equally important.

      Marriage is not just about emotions and romance. Its also about physical intimacy. And as much as a man should fulfill his wife’s emotional needs a wife should fulfill her husbands physical needs.

      Seems as if women pursue one sided marriages. He must communicate. He must be romantic. He must pay attention. He must do this and he must do that. But when a man desires his wife to look a certain way, well everyone gets up in arms because that’s “shallow” or that’s selfish. Maybe instead of looking at it that way you women should look at it as the work or effort necessary to keep the sparks going? As much as you want to be romanced, don’t you think he would like his wife to look appealing to him?

      Basically for you to say that she does not need to be concerned with her weight or put the work in to be attractive to him, is pretty much saying that its not necessary to work hard at your marriage. That just because he said some vows that she can simply put it on cruise control and not pay attention to the things in the marriage that are important to him. You are pretty much saying that vows are an excuse to become lazy and apathetic. Or even that because of vows you can use terrible situations in life as an excuse to let yourself go.

      I am thinking, as a husband if all of a sudden I just starting sitting in front of the tv, eating excessively and ballooning in weight, then yes I am being disrespectful to her and the marriage. And no i should not expect her to be attracted to me.

      Especially if I know she likes to see me a certain way. I had control over that. But when I work out and eat right pretty much exercise discipline and she feels a certain way because she is attracted to me that is just one more element that i have added to this marriage to ensure its success.

      I want my wife to be attracted to me. I like how it makes her feel when she is attracted to me. My wife likes clean cut so i make sure to shave. She likes toned and muscular so i work out. I really don’t see whats wrong with that.

      Attraction is a feeling. It cant be forced. A women can demand that her husband loves her because yes he did recite vows. But there is no way that she can demand that he be attracted to her if she does look the way he likes.

      No matter how “spiritual” or politically correct you want to make it sound Adrienne he is a human being, he is a man..and she has a responsibility to be sensitive to that. It goes both ways. Since you are Christian, you should know that Jesus loves the church no matter how bad the church is. Yet at the same time he still tells the church to “adorn” themselves with doctrine. Jesus cares about how his bride the church looks. Song of Song (solomon) is filled with a bevy of comments from one person to his lovers about physical appearance.

      There is nothing wrong with me desiring my wife to look a certain way, and if she cared about the marriage she would put the work in. I wont love her any less if she doesn’t because i took a vow before her and God, but i will not feel obligated to be attracted to her. Its that simple. and its life.

      Reply
      1. MR X

        marriage is a scam, its a trap set for unsuspecting WEAK men!!! you guys better wise up..as soon as she gets comfortable she will change, becoming exactly what she wants…she will stop caring about you and her looks. She will love you, but she won’t care about her body (unless they like someone else ). Woman are selfish and only care about whats in their best interest. If they want to get fat they will get fat. My wife gained 60 pounds of weight and she knows I love her, but she doesn’t care that i’m not attracted to her. She just expects me to have sex with her like that. If I dont then its because “I dont love her” what a crock of ****!!!!! Now I have to have sex with THIS till death do us part??? WTF

        Reply
        1. Hola

          After looking at it women mostly change in appareance and men in character. Women gain weight and what’s not. Men mostly have less manners and are less romantic and loving. I think if women express their feelings, telling them what they want and take charge it will help. Express your joy when he does something nice and a contempt look when he doesn’t. Don’t start a fight though. And men should still be loving and romantic. Otherwise your stuck with the same person as you. They should also help in the houswork, so your wife and YOU guys have time to hit the gym.

          Reply
      2. Alice

        It sounds as if the wife has made a serious effort to lose the weight she gained. She went from 220 to 195 which is a significant amount of weight to lose, especially if she was a shorter woman. Perhaps he should be supportive of her, not only in her weight loss goals but also when it comes to her losing her mother.

        I agree that you should keep yourself fit for your partner, but this guy’s wife sounds like a woman in pain, not a lazy lump who doesn’t care about her man’s feelings.

        Reply
      3. Christie

        @ Mel – People are focusing on a person’s looks in referring to their spouse. Does it really make that big of a difference if their looks are changed by something they can help or something they can not? If weight gain is caused by a medication or illness like depression then no, someone can not help that. So, in this guys case that she has not gotten over the hurt and he is now adding more hurt by the way he is treating her about her weight, what is the difference? She probably needs help dealing with the hurt and maybe or maybe not get medication for depression. I don’t know, I have never talked to her or laid eyes on her. Almost all depression medications cause weight gain….. so again, what is the difference?
        Is it not fair to say that if a person has different feelings because their spouse gains weight then they would also lose that feeling for them if they were physically scarred by some terrible accident?

        Reply
    2. xoxo

      If a person married their spouse for the right reasons, weight would not be a big issue. You don’t have to find her as attractive as she was at the weight you met her, but to not find any attraction to her means you did not truly love her. To be disgusted by her instead of sad for her shows the lack of empathy and true ignorance of the situation. A loving spouse would be apart of the solution not part of the problem. She needs help and i’m sure she doesn’t want to be big so come to her lovingly with ways you can help her. Can we cook together.. you find healthy recipes, go for long walks holding hands and/or to the gym if you don’t have a room to create one. Support the person you claim you love is what a good spouse does. You’re not a good spouse if all you can do it point blame at your partner. When one person fails at something you both do so keep that in mind the next time you look at your better half lol.

      Reply
  50. Baub

    It is absolutely absurd that a woman will let herself go like that. It is just plain mean. If she hates her husband so much that she’d rather get fat and disgusting looking, than to just plain be honest with him and say that she doesn’t love him anymore and she doesn’t want him to touch her anymore — then she is a horrible person. For a woman to go to such great lengths to push her husband away is just deplorable! If you don’t love your husband, tell him. Don’t just go get all fat and ugly and disgusting to push him away.

    Reply
  51. Diane

    To call obese people fat pigs, etc. shows such a lack of maturity and intelligence. Overeating for many is a form of self-medication. Eating can raise serotonin levels. When you get fat because you are depressed, then your spouse treats you like shit, you are going to continue to eat to self-medicate. If a spouse doesn’t “love” you anymore because you are fat, you have to wonder if they ever loved the real you inside. The aversion to fat is not some kind of biological thing either — look at nude paintings from past centuries. Our society has created this aversion. There are ways to overcome self-medication with food just as there are ways to overcome self-medication with alcohol and other drugs. Learn a little about addiction and quit being bullies, people!

    Reply
  52. jony

    life is about caring- think a while – can you say your mother is not your mother if she become fat and ugly- see deeply in the wife’s heart and you will see the beauty hiden inside- oh God : please take up those man, betral to there wife seeing the fatness: make this earth a clean place to live. I am a typical person that love my wife: thought she carry as much as, fat in thier body. and now she willing to carry my baby inside her fat: what is this: do you say It not LOVE: So acquired and harvest LOVE not the hate.
    N:B Anyone read this……. mail me at jpprintechimphal@yahoo.com My wife will LOVE to sseeeeeeeeee.

    Reply
  53. mel

    i cant understand why people like melissa
    dont just eat right and work out instead of complaining about hubbys view of your weight. its really not that difficult. count the calories excercise discipline yourself for crying out loud. men are visual creatures. sexiness and physical appearance appeals to them. on the flipside women are emotional. they like the romance and the conversation. but how can you expect him to fulfill your emptional needs when you could care less about his physical needs. marriage is give and take. in appreciation for the fact that men like a wife that takes an interest in her look and appearance is it so difficult to work on it? weight is just a matter of consistsncy and discipline. it begins with a change in mindset. stop expecting him to be attracted to you when how your look is not his preference. You cant force yourself to be attracted to someone. only the object of attraction can control that. the love me the way i am comment does not fly because its nothing more than an excuse to stat lazy and apathetic. marriage takes work and effort. but many of you especially women expect to put it on cruise control and still enjoy a good marriage. anything worthwile requires worth and effort only if its worthwhile to you. so for the women that complains about how he sees your weight you are much to blame as he is. stop eating the cake and get up and work out. if not then dont expect anything else than what you are getting.

    Reply
  54. leave a reply

    I have been together with my wonderful wife for about ten years. ever since we had our first child she hasnt been able to lose her gut. I love everything about her but I cant be atracted to her like I used to. Just because you love someone doesnt mean you have to be atracted to them.(sexually) I find it difficult to have sex and usually make excuses not to have to. I have told her how I feel but she takes it the wrong way everytime. I dont know what to do…(my grammer is very off because I have been living in germany for the last ten years.thx)

    Reply
  55. Richard

    As a former personal trainer at the New York Health Club, i can tell you that this problem is 90% the fault of the woman. You have no idea how many women waited until their separation or divorce before they came in to work out. 50% of women are event motivated for fitness. That includes things like weddings, reunions, family functions, etc. But I have NEVER seen women work harder in the gym than when they want to stick it to their Ex.

    Its actually very sad to see. I can honestly say that it is a serious problem in America. During months of training someone, they open up and you develop friendships. But the layers underneath almost always revealed someone bitter about their hubby not finding them attractive when they gained 50+ extra pounds. The same women would tell their husband that he looked like an idiot if he tried to grow a mustache…but expected him to want to snuggle up with layers of blubber and be content.

    The thing that puzzles me is the fact that these same women would spend tons of money on clothes, makeup, hair, manicures and pedicures and then just completely ignore everything above the feet and below the neck. Look around you next time you are out in public and see how many people (more than 30 lbs overweight) have painted toes, fingernails, nice hair and makeup.

    That makes no sense to us guys! Its like the girls are trying to force feed us pork rinds when we want chicken breast. “You need to eat this and like it, and if you don’t, I will show you the second we split up by making gourmet meals for the next guy I date”

    Reply
  56. trish

    I do not like hearing that the marriage vows dictate all the way, no they do not. Some tolerate abuse and cruel ways for the sake of the marriage. It has to be right, it is no good just wanting to keep the marriage going. I have seen marrieds insult each other, wish each other dead, snipe and sneer at each other most of the way. That is not God’s intention at all, many marriages are not meant to be and they are a nightmare. It sounds like the union has come to the end of its sell by date, i left, started again, i am happy on my own. No more misery or bitching!

    Reply
  57. Craig

    I also have a wife that has gained weight and is not longer physically or sexually attractive. I love her, but her self esteem has bottomed. She has become very mean to me, probably in part because we don’t have sex anymore. She complains that she’s fat, then spends $100 on some get thin quick junk. But she has no idea what physical fitness is desire to do what it takes to attain it. Yet that is my fault in her eyes. I happen to be very fit, particularly for my age (almost 50). I hear her mock fat bald guys a lot. Hypocritical but she does it. We have a home gym that Arnold Schoartshisname would be envious of because I use it all the time and it saves me gym membership fees and hassles.

    But back on track, she’s become very mean to me lately and very angry over little things. She blows her top and threatens to divorce me, yelling at me to leave the house because she has a “lawyered up”. I have two kids or the marriage would be history. Not because I don’t love her, but because I don’t like her. However, it’s finally gotten to the point where I now want the divorce. When she blows up at me she’s emotionally drained. When I try to respond I’m angry, temperamental and not willing to see her side.

    Nothing has torn me up like this, particularly that my kids now have to go through this. She has depression issues and even takes medicine for it. But I can’t bring this up without her saying I’m attacking her, being angry all the time and losing my temper. I’ve never hit her or been aggressive towards her, however, she has thrown things at me.

    It hurts and sometimes you just can’t do anything about it which for me, makes it hurt all the more. Good luck to you. I hope your situation works out better than mine did.

    Reply
  58. Joey

    Craig, I hear you buddy. Exactly my situation. Doesn’t take much to set her off. And yeah, love her in a biblical way, but not attracted to her at all, it is pretty gross seeing all the cellulite at our young age, I mean OK, people get older I get it, but I can’t be seen on the beach with her, with her huge belly and arms, I am embarrassed actually. Like you I am pretty fit, not the prettiest guy in the world but still have good hair and 10lbs over my high school weight, which was a long time ago, and I still have abs. I do it for myself, because she could not care less. Our wedding picture hangs in the hall, but don’t recognize that skinny girl at all, but now I realize she was in full on man-trap mode at the time… also check the mother in law… that is the old saying but I think it is pretty damn accurate…

    Before I bag this for the sake of my sanity, I have decided to do one last thing, I don’t know if it will help or not but worth trying I think. I am going to see a counselor and try to come up with a way to meet my unmet emotional need for physical attractiveness… because it is so bad with her now that there is NO WAY she is ever getting near what she was, even with massive plastic surgery which is pretty sad. So I need to consider spending the rest of my life with her, “for better or worse” as some have said, given that she will NOT be able to lose weight and get tone no matter what she does, even if she suddenly cared enough to do it. Maybe, just maybe, there is a way that I can survive this massive unhappiness till death… maybe some smart counselor has seen this already and has the sure fire way to get me through this … I suspect it involves regular access to porn or perhaps getting a lover on the side.. right?! Seriously, I don’t believe in either of these, and I value the “sanctity” of marriage, but how I wish I had chosen somebody who gave a shi$ or at least ran high school cross-country….

    Women, if you are reading this, read what Mel sez above, it is right on. We expect our spouses to maintain some modicum of discipline for the sake of the success of the marriage. Stop saying that men are shallow, which is a nice cop-out. Marriage takes work, and your husband will be plenty happy if that work is done in the gym and you take care of yourself. Likely he will become very interested in you and support your need for conversation and affection. You hold the key, and if you are newly married, take this seriously.

    Peace all, see you on the other side hopefully

    Reply
    1. Christie

      Wow! Do you hear yourselves?! Yeah, I’m sure if we just all look like super models then the atittudes and the complaining would be well worth it, because, guys look at what I’ve got. I’m am trying not to go into attack made here, but Joey, you said yourself that you are not to best pick of the litter. Why should she be anymore willing to be seen with you on the beach?! Not only that but know that she doesn’t appeal to you because you aren’t satisified with her weight, and on top of that she has to watch you look at other women…. no wonder she is angry.

      Reply
  59. Guff

    Well, you all confirmed what I suspected. Lots of haters out there who think a man is shallow and heartless if he doesn’t find an extra 50 pounds of fat attractive. Here’s a challenge for you: see if you can worm your way into the lab where medical students work on cadavers and take a peek at what all that flab looks on the inside. Maybe then you’ll take the fork out of your mouth. I love spending time with my S.O. – she’s the perfect girlfriend in almost every way. And frankly, I’d be happier with a platonic relationship than one where she expects me to have sex with her. Most positions are out the question either because she’s too heavy or it’s just gross (going doggy behind that big ass, c’mon…) I’m not expecting hard body perfection, just a fairly height/weight proportionate woman.

    Reply
  60. michael

    These comments are kinda funny. I am a male who is 30 years old. I am married 9 years now and we have two kids. My wife went from 140 to almost 220 in only the first 5 years, thats 80lbs in 5 years, as far as weight gain from pregnancy that is bull****. you need to gain some weight, maybe 20-30lbs not more for a pregnancy. Hell my mother is 51 and is still slim. She had 3 kids and always got back to her pre-pregnancy wieight. My father remembers her doing sit-ups in the hospital bed only a few hours after giving birth. A women can stay fit and slim if she is devoted to it. Weight control is simple math, women should stay to 1600 calories a day. If she is active even 2000 is fine. However you as a women cannot eat the 2500 calories a day you husband eats, he has more muscle than you do, he burns fat and calories faster than you do. the same exercise burns 20% more calories for him.

    Also before you all hate on me, i am still attracted to my 200+ wife, i always want sex. However because she is so big, now she does not think she is attractive and is hardly ever in the mood. It has caused tremendous stress on our marriage. As for me i was once also gaining weight, went from 187lbs wedding day to 225 at my highest. Once i realized i could not fit my pants i started exercising daily and watching what i eat. Count your calories for one week and change nothing, i did this. I found i was consuming almost 3500 calories a day!! and i was not exercising.

    It is easier than you think to over-eat these days. A single can of soda has 150 cal. If you drink mainly soda all day, you will consume your 2000cal. very quickly. Cut out the soft drinks, consume only water, and eat fruits and vegetables for snack instead of candy and tastycakes. you will be surprised how quickly the weight comes off. In only my first 3 weeks i lost 12lbs. Give it a try.

    Reply
  61. michael

    oh, adding on to my previous post. The term diet is not a short-term thing, the word diet means “everything you eat”. you must balance your diet to be successful, as i said before soda and other sugary drinks are the biggest enemy we have. They raise your blood sugar very fast and then it drops just as fast. You will get twice as hungry then you will drinking only water. This is because your body begins to crave the sugar all the time.
    Here is an example of my intake for one day.

    special K honey and oats cereal 2 servings 220cal
    1 cup 2% milk 140 cal

    sandwich of turkey and pepperoni 250 cal
    hidden valley granola bar 90 cal

    dinner (freedom meal) anything i want up to 1000 cal

    so far that only 1700 cal

    if you use fruits and veggies for snack you wont even hit 2000.
    exercise of some kind for 20 min everyday and you can lose 2lbs a week easy!

    Reply
  62. Catwoman

    All the men on here complaining about their wives’ weight must be white, because Latin men, as well as black men like their women large with big asses. In fact, the bigger and fatter the ass, the more of a turn-on for them.

    Reply
  63. Marcus

    As as black and latin male, I can attest that we also dislike very much when our partner looses control and just let herself go. Maybe what happens is that we don’t have such problems with infidelity, and porn as some white guys. But truly, we are unsatisfied. I too think Mel’s comment is the best for both sexes. Give your partner what he/she wants, even if it takes hard work, and demand what you want. If any of them just doesn’t work as hard as they should to get the other partner to be happy, that’s what divorces are for. Give the best, and expect the best, or get used to a sexless marriege and porn.

    Reply
  64. Johnny K

    Ive been married for 2 years and for the most part it’s been great but there’s one MAJOR problem…my wife is overweight(poss obese if I were to calc hip/waist ratio or BMI etc). Of course she wasn’t always like this and of course I used to have a hair full of hair, was more masculine appearing(more weight) as she would tell me when I bring up the weight issue. I’ve discusses this issue in so many ways; even with counseling but to no avail. Yet she cont covering herself up with new clothes(basically cover her body; surprisingly that’s ok) eating out; basically enjoying life. I know she struggles w her weight because she has tried multiple times to lose but would eventually stop(for whatever reason) and weight comes back(I usually can’t tell the weight loss anyway). I cheated on her yrs prior to marriage and she went into a depression and lost weight. She actually looked pretty ideal; reminded me of the old days. Even her family agreed(she did also) that she looked better but of course the prob was; the weight was lost in an unhealthy way. Later we started dating again and of course…the weight reappeared, gradually. My prob is every time I try to bring up the weight issue by inviting her on walks, trying to talk about it etc; she becomes upset and basically points the finger at my imperfections or/and just make excuses. I have the privilege of being an ex athlete with good genes so it’s easier but I still have to exercise because here comes the gut. When I see attractive fit women(various ages) at the gym I think to myself; I wish my wife was one of these people. So what do I do? I’m angry because I feel trapped and I feel women can do whatever they want but if we complain; were the bad guys, superficial. Im starting to believe it doesn’t matter how many a conversations or crying episodes occur doing marriage to get the point across; it’s all about whatever the person deems important and if she(in my case) doesn’t believe she needs to loose weight or just doesn’t want to(for whatever rein) then the opposite sex is just stuck; and just have to deal with it! Not cool at all

    Reply
    1. Christie

      How are you approaching the weight issue with her? It is a REALLLY touchy issure with us! I can’t help to think that the affair is stuck in her head. Has she really gotten over that> Could she be a little upset that you secided to come back when she lost weight? You yourself also admitted you don’t look the same so why should she overlook that and you not be okay with a little weight gain? I gained weight due to medication for depression and my husband backed off too and then my insecure thoughts too over along with past events triggering things… anyways, I have a problem with my husband being attracted to other women period. He is the only one I want and I feel that I should be the only one he wants and I can’t find any reason that he should WANT to look at other women if I was what he wanted… in terms loved. ANYWAYS, I say all of that to say we are in the same boat…. we don’t get from each other what we want/need because oif this cycle.
      I’m sorry, if this sounds angry, it isn’t directed at you personally….. but why should women really try so hard when men in general seem to put so much importance in looks. Men will still find interest in other women. They willl still think what they want to think about others they find appealing. So why? Men change too, their attitudes and looks. Why should women have to be okay with something that most men say it is something that ruins any desire he had for her?! Truely guys, how would you feel if your wife took on the mentality that most men seem to have? I really don’t think that they would be okay with that either.

      Reply
  65. Johnny K

    For the record…I’m black and there’s a limit to how big a behind I want to marry. It’s a different story for lust..then there’s room for growth 🙂

    Reply
    1. Bill

      I’m married and just cannot tolerate my wife’s weight. I know, I’m the bad guy. She’s not even that overweight, but when I see other fit women I just get depressed and so resentful. 80% of the issue isn’t her weight, it’s that she doesn’t have the strength and drive to follow through on all the times she’s tried to lose weight. She quits EVERY SINGLE TIME after losing 5-10 pounds when she would look incredible with just another 20 gone. But no. And she wants to lose weight, but unlike all the other fit women I see on a daily basis, my wife just doesn’t have the strength. And that’s what I find so unattractive. Yes, weight may be a petty thing, but lying every time you have to say “yes, honey, you look great!” is not. My wife complains all the time that I don’t compliment her and it kills me that she just doesn’t get it. If I’m not attracted to her because of weight, she doesn’t get what she wants from me–compliments, and the vicious circle goes round and round. The one time I told her about her weight before we married I nearly got my head cut off. Women, you can call it being shallow, but it is serious. And since it’s verboten to speak of, that means I just have to keep my mouth shut and keep her in the dark why she’s not getting the emotional love from me she so desperately wants.

      Reply
      1. Brian

        Bill, I absolutely could not agree with you more. You very literally took the words out of my mouth. It is a vicious cycle. Women need constant praise and affirmation of love. They need to feel loved and desired and don’t often see themselves as they are until they catch a glimpse of themselves in a photo. Then it’s like they’re seeing themselves for the first time at their current weight. I’ve had to delete countless otherwise beautiful family photos because she did not like the way she looked- the photo made her look big. Yet, they want you to be as attracted and amorous toward them as you were when you first met. If women are not willing to put in the effort to make a noticeable change then they should not fish for compliments. “No Honey, those skinny jeans (jeggings) don’t make you look fat.” This is not a lie. The jeggings had nothing to do with it! You can’t turn your nose up at the healthy vegetarian meals I prepare and opt for the cheese burger, or tell me I over do it with the exercise, while hinting that I should be proud that you can walk on the treadmill at the 3 speed setting for 15 minutes- we’ve had it for almost 6 years!

        Anyway, I digress. I’ve been supportive. Trying always to lead by example. I’ve created exercise plans and meal plans for her- at her request. I’ve tried to get her out with me to walk the dogs. She does not stick with anything. She gets bored very easily. I can’t help getting frustrated from time to time. I’ve always maintained excellent physical fitness. Even when fighting my way back from 2 bouts of Guillain Barre Syndrome. I have a ravenous sexual appetite. In fact we both did. It’s what bonded us in the beginning. She still has the desire. However, it now takes more effort on my part to get motivated to set it off. There was a time I couldn’t keep my hands off her. She was that delicious. All I want is to get that back. I don’t want to have to fake something that came so naturally. The thought of enduring 25-30 years of fakery is depressing. I want to compliment you NOT because I love you but because you are truly hot!

        Reply
  66. Christie

    I am sorry guys, but do men really not want to look further than our face, bust, waist, and butt?! Men are mostly telling those they love that they don’t know why we spend hours doing our beauty rituals and then when we stop you want bash us for it. How fair is that? You tell us that your looking at other women means nothing and we should not let it measure out self woth then you go behind our backs and say this stuff!
    I am just not attracted to her, but I love her.
    I fanticise about this person but I sure love my wife.
    She is great except her weight.
    You don’t love her. Who are you kidding or try to kid? Some say they can’t show compassion, kindness and other attributes of love because of her lack of willingness to get to the gym. What would you say if you asked someone out and they told you that you didn’t make enough money, or they didn’t like the freckle under your right eye. I mean that is just as shallow. I’m positive that you would not be as understanding of the situation and you would have some ugly names to call her. I totally get that people like and attracted to different things, but really. Now, I am a bit hypocritical at the moment and I will not act like I am better than anyone! I am angry all of the time too and think that I would rather be single than to watch the man that I love look at others, but again if he isn’t 100% into me at my worst, why in the world would I want him around at my best?!!!! And I am very well aware that this goes both ways!!

    Reply
  67. Christie

    @ Bill – when you say it is serious… are you saying your/men feeling is serious like really being a deal breaker or serious like an epidemic that needs to be stopped?
    In one of the comments above someone posted that women don’t mind telling you guys how stupid something looks. This is true and men don’t mind doing the same. However with this excuse there is one major difference, most and I say most as to say 98% of women/wives will NOT find you disgusting because you do these things.
    Also, someone wrote that it is major motivation to lose weight when you are dumped, well yeah. It is kindof an in your face action because you could not love us for us and it is no different than a man flaunting around his new fling so that word would get back to his ex of how beautiful she is. Remember too guys, women aren’t the only ones changing. Isn’t it harder for women to lose weight anyway? The personal trainer above can answer that… also he stated how sad it was sad to see… what is really sad is that instead of helping the one men to claim so much, they bash them, think about others and sit on the sidelines for them to look a certain way again. In sports, men say your not a true fan if you only like a team when they are winning, apply that to your relationship. Oh wait, you already have!
    I’m really not trying to be mean or hateful! I just want you to think a little. How can you expect her to be there for you if you aren’t there for her?

    Reply
  68. Profile photo of Odysseia
    Odysseia

    @Melissa,
    LOSE THE WEIGHT FOR YOURSELF AND THEN…DUMP HIM! WHY? BECAUSE HE IS SIMPLY 61 YOU NEED TO LIVE YOUR LIFE…BY THE TIME HE TURNS 70 YOU WILL STILL BE A COUGAR!!….LOOKING AFTER YOUR BODY AND HEALTH MEANS YOU ARE LOOKING AFTER YOUR LIFE! I AGREE THAT EXTRA FAT CAN BE UNATTRACTIVE BUT IN YOUR SITUATION A 61 YEAR OLD MAN BEING WITH A YOUNGER WIFE SHOULD NOT BE COMPLAINING FOR LOOKS..HE IS A NARCISSIST………………..
    YOUR BODY IS YOUR TEMPLE. GET TOUGH AND GET A TRAINER. YOU WILL LOVE REDISCOVERING YOUR LOST PHYSIQUE AND WORKING OUT WILL ALSO SHARPEN YOUR MIND AND YOU WILL START UNCOVERING DIFFERENT ‘LAYERS’ TO GET TO YOUR INNER CORE OF TRUE SELF.

    I WILL LEAVE YOU SOME FOOD FOR THOUGHT 🙂

    “Mastering Others is Strength; Mastering Yourself is True Power”

    “No citizen has any right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training; it is part of his profession as a citizen to keep himself in good condition [It is] a disgrace for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and the strength of which his body is capable.” -Xenophon, Greek historian-

    Reply
  69. Depressed in NY

    I know exactly how you feel, My wife when I met her was tiny, weighed 110 pounds. Now after almost 5 years of marriage she has ballooned to almost 250 lbs. It makes me sick and I do not find her attractive sexually at all. I miss my old wife, she has changed so much. There once was a time when all she cared about was pleasing me, now she really don’t care about anything. I’m not in perfect shape but I do take care of myself and try to get exercise and eat right, but all she does is sit on her fat ass 24/7 at work and when she gets home she can’t wait to get online to check out facebook. Its really a shame because we were once the envy of people and now people look at us like WTF happened ?? I’m really sick of this boring life I know live as she no longer wants to do anything and I am now contemplating divorce as she is no longer the person I fell in love with. I am really depressed and even thought about suicide because this has affected me that much. My heart is broken because the person I love is no longer around and I have no idea what to do

    Reply
  70. Catwoman

    What I don’t get is, if weight was an issue before marriage, then why would you marry someone that was overweight in the first place? Did you honestly think that was going to change when everyone knows both men AND women tend to gain weight after they’re married.

    If you know your fiancee loves to eat junk food and doesn’t work out, why wouldn’t you take that into consideration? I certainly would, if only for the fact that I want a spouse with healthy habits so I don’t have to take care of his sick ass when we’re old!

    A man losing his hair cannot be helped; a woman gaining weight can. It’s one thing to gain 10-20 lbs. Any more than that and there’s a problem.

    Women trying to change the fact that men are visual creatures is like men trying to change the fact that women are emotional creatures. Face the facts and deal with them!

    Reply
    1. Christie

      THEN TO ALL THE MEN TIRES OF THEIR FAT WIVES… DIVORCE THEM AND FIND SOMEONE THAT HAS WHAT YOU WANT (THE BODY) AND THEN WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS TO THEM LEAVE THEM AND MOVE ON!!

      Women gaining weight on medication CAN NOT be helped. Nor getting wrinkles, but men being the visual creatures they are, stop being attracted to their wives because of that too. Honestly this post won’t change anything of how YOU PEOPLE think!! I expect to get a lot of people that don’t like this post too. However, the fact is still the same, if SHE SHOULD NOT EXPECT YOU TO BE ATTRACTED TO HER BECAUSE SHE IS FAT, THEN YOU SHOULD NOT EXPECT HER TO CARE TO CHANGE BECAUSE YOU DON’T REALLY LOVE HER!!! YOU LUST AFTER HER (OR DID)!!!!! THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE! AND FOR THOSE THAT SAY THE THINGS THAT CAN’T BE HELPED….HAIR LOSS, SCARS FROM ACCIDENTS….. THEY ALL CHANGE YOU APPEARANCE WHICH IS WHAT GETTING FAT IS DOING! THAT IS WHAT ALL OF YOU ARE SAYING!!!! SHE LOOKS DIFFERENT… GUESS WHAT IF YOU ARE THAT FOCUSED ON HER LOOKS THEN YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARD HER OR HIM (TO THE LADIES) WILL CAHNGE EVEN IF SOMETHING HAPPENS THAT IS OUT OF THEIR CONTROL!!!

      Reply
      1. Brian

        Christie,

        Without physical attraction and desire, a marriage turns platonic. You become 2 roommates. If you both get fat together, maybe there’s less off a rift. If one stays fit and the other lets themselves go, than of course there is less attraction. I had a girlfriend who underwent a mastectomy. I remember kissing her scar and loving her even more tenderly. Why? Because I loved her and she did not choose to get cancer. When a woman with no health issues begins to lose control of her weight she is exacerbating the issues and feeding into a cycle of depression and self loathing. It takes discipline and perseverance to become fit and maintain it, NOT excuses. Those that want to, make a way. Those that do not, make excuses.

        Marriage fosters the absence of competition. A world without competition inevitably leads to mediocrity. It’s ironic that once the marriage ends in divorce many men and woman decide to reinvent themselves at the gym. If you’d both done that during the marriage it may have lasted longer.

        I also feel like people often have an overinflated sense of self-worth. For someone to presume that physical attraction is so secondary. It’s usually the first/primary factor in human and animal relationships. It’s wonderful if a man and woman become best friends first based on compatibility. Often friendships overcome physical detriments and a deep bond is forged. But how many women overlook the short pudgy guy with glasses, or the sweet, nerdy awkward guy even if they provide all the emotional needs- simply because they can not picture themselves in bed with them. How many wonderful men are turned into bitter shells of there former selves after years of being passed over for those ‘bad boys’.

        Woman have an idealized, romantic and naive view of relationships and what is truly required. Maybe they’ve been raised on too much Danielle Steele. Stay attractive to your mate- forget all the complex emotions which get in the way. We simply want you to be within 10-20 lbs of where you were when we married. Barring physical illness, it’s really NOT too much to ask.

        Reply
  71. Catwoman

    Oh, and btw, I was at the beach yesterday in Santa Monica and I was observing the couples there. Most couples were similiar–meaning both were either in shape, or both were heavy. You never saw a very fit man with an overweight woman or vice versa. And that went for older couples as well. Like attracts like. If you spend a lot of your time at the gym, why wouldn’t you be attracted to someone who was also fit?

    Whenever I’ve put on ten pounds I feel disgusted with my body. I also become more sexually inhibited. No woman feels comfortable with herself when she feels fat–I don’t care how much self-esteem they have. So if I don’t find my body attractive when I’m heavier, why should anyone else? Because I’m a great person? Get real. That only means I’d make a great friend. It doesn’t however, mean you’d want to f**k me!

    Reply
  72. Caroline

    To all the men out there- I agree with you 100%. I have the exact same problem you do. My husband was a real hottie when we met, at a gym 11 yrs ago. As soon as we got married he started piling on the weight. I got pregnant, gained 18lbs and worked out the entire time I was pregnant, lost every bit of the weight and wore my size 0 jeans home from the hospital, no cellulite or stretch marks because I took care of myself and gained the weight gradually. He gained 30lbs during my pregnancy and hasn’t stopped putting it on. We have been married 10yrs and have an 8 yr old son. He is a fabulous father but his weight gain is repulsive. I’m not interested in having sex with him either because I fond the extra weight so disgusting. I’m 39 and weigh 98 lbs, I work out everyday and put an effort in to my appearance. He’s 34 and could care less about how he looks not to mention the effect on his health….. I’m at a loss on what to do. See guys, this sort of thing happens to women too.

    Reply
  73. Catwoman

    I totally agree with you, Caroline. I’d like to see how many people call you shallow, because God forbid a man makes that comment. Women get into an uproar over how you should “love your spouse unconditionally,” or “we all get old and your time will come, too” and “beauty is only skin deep.”

    Yes, our spouses can be great people and we can love them, but if they let themselves go, it does not mean we want to have sex with them. If we were to meet them now, we wouldn’t be attracted to them, so why should a marriage certificate change that?

    Reply
    1. Caroline

      Amen Sister, I feel like he did the old “bait and switch” on me, like I married his representative. To me making sure your weight is in check and looking presentable is a form of self respect…..if YOU don’t respect yourself neither will anyone else.

      Maybe I am being shallow, but this (him gaining almost 75lbs) is NOT what I signed up for, period. I guarantee you that if I put on that much weight the only way he would be seen with me in publicif he was leading me to the slaughter house with a rope around my neck.

      I know all the haters are going to be like “you don’t support him” “you should help him lose weight”….that’s bullsh*t, I ask him to go to the gym with me all the time. I eat healthy and our son does also. PLUS we have slept in separate rooms for the past 5 yrs because of his snoring, which is also a result of the weight gain. I really don’t know what to do, we get along ok, but our marriage has turned into a room mate arrangement. We just live together and raise our son. I do feel like I’m missing out though – being married to a fat as$ is not what I signed up for.

      Reply
      1. Christie

        Sorry Caroline, I will be one to call you shallow. And I am not a hater. I can understand where some people on here are coming from with being concerned with health etc. but to say that your spouse has no other good qualities but their weight doesn’t make any since. Or they list the good qulities but the weight blurs everything else. I don’t see that.
        I do agree that most couples are pretty much equals on the attractiveness as catwomen mentioned before, but you don’t change your opinion about someone based on what they look like. Of course to say that my hubby should look at me the same he did the first day we met is silly. In any situation, no matter that I gained the weight or if I stayed the exact weight. My point is that to say that you (meaning those making these comments, not you personally) are totally disgusted with and can’t even look your spouse because they gained weight is shallow and really shows that the lust factor is more important. I don’t know anyone on here…. I don’t know their situation or how/why they are where they are. I’m not trying to act as though I do, there may be other factors that play into their spouse’s weight gain…. for me, I gained the weight because of the depression medication I was taking.
        Your comment about him leading you to the slaughter house is actually interesting to me. Again, I don’t know you, but just reading your comment I wonder if 1.) you both are just shallow or 2.) you feel that way about him because you know he feels that way about you. Even though my hubby never said anything to me about the weight gain, I don’t want him to touch me. PERIOD. I even get annoyed when he looks at me. Because he sat on the sidelines while I was going through these issues instead of being supportive and now wants to jump back in since I am losing the weight. It doesn’t work that way. If you are inviting your hubby to work out with you and leading by example by eating right then I would say that you are trying to be somewhat supportive….and yes guys I would say that to you also! I wouldn’t have some kind of hidden agenda for inviting your spouse to work out with you though. Not if you really loved the person. This may take people looking at themselves, which I know won’t happen, but maybe you could look at the workout time as time spent with someone enjoying the time together and not reducing their waistline.
        I have also noticed that in my situation, I had more anger built up at him because I was still getting noticed and hit on by other men.. I am saying this because I am not the only one that gained weight and he wasn’t on the medication. I don’t lust after him like I did in the beginning because there is more to the relationship now, but I still see him as the sexiest person out there. Why, I can’t explain, but this feeling doesn’t change even when he isn’t being such a nice person. In saying that I am not saying I am better than anyone else, I’m just merely making a comment.

        Reply
      2. Lele

        @Caroline

        Quote: “I know all the haters are going to be like “you don’t support him” “you should help him lose weight”….that’s bullsh*t, I ask him to go to the gym with me all the time.”

        No, you’re wrong. Maybe women will say that, but men will agree with you. See, whatever men say about women, it’s something they would accept being said to them. Also, you ask him to go to the gym with you because that’s what you would you like him to do if you were in his shoes, but men can take – actually require – a more direct approach.

        Reply
  74. WishfulThinking

    As a white male at normal weight, having lived through 20+ years of being married to a wife with weight problems, I can tell you from experience that it does not get “fixed”. You either live with the unhappy emotions or leave. Having kids early in a marriage with this situation makes descisions more complicated and difficult, depending on your feelings of commitment. My advice is to leave the situation as early as possible. I did not chose that route and regret the decision. The longer you live with it, the harder and more expensive it will be to end. In my case there have been many positives to go along with a big negative, which has made it even more difficult.

    Unfortunately most people who find this forum are already in a bad situation, and either living with the problem or resolving it will be painful. Not entering into a marriage where this problem will occur is my best advice. Many will say they could not have seen it coming, and that may be true for some, but for the many of us there were indicators that were given a low priority when chosing a spouse. Later on, after it is too late, we see those indicators in a different light.

    For the women out there, it is probably as hard for you to understand our feelings, as it is for us to understand yours. However, the bottom line is whether a relationship is working out, and if the good outweighs the bad. People and relationships change. Spiritual people need to keep in mind that marriage is a legal entity created by people. A few words and a paper contract should be taken serious, just like any other big contract. But a contract should not sentence a person to a life of misery, and if it does then it should be legally broken. This applies to men and women.

    Reply
    1. Christie

      Wishful thinking, Marriage was crated by God not people. 🙂 Yes, it should be taken seriously. Marriage isn’t a joy ride. There are problems and issues that will come up and you as a couple need to work through them.

      Reply
    2. ScaredForTheFuture

      Wow, that’s really depressing. 🙁

      I’ve never been attracted to overweight women. My wife was 125 lbs at 5’2″ when we met. She was skinny growing up. Now after 12 years of marriage, she weighs between 250 & 260 lbs. Many attempts to loose weight have failed.

      She is a fantastic person and an excellent mother. We are best friends and I wish and pray every day that she can find the strength to get her health back in check, but nothing ever changes.

      I am in no way attracted to her the way she looks now, so it is difficult to bring myself to make love with her and this has become a major issue. She would prefer to have sex everyday if not several times a day and if she goes more than a few days without sex she gets upset. This often leads to fights. We only ever fight about me not wanting to have sex with her, we don’t generally fight about anything else.

      We have two kids that I can’t live without, so divorce is not an option. It will be another 10 years or so before the kids will be out of the house, so if the odds are that this will never be “fixed” then I have depressing future ahead of me. 🙁

      Reply
      1. Brian

        If I didn’t know any better I’d think you we’re me. It’s like we live in a parallel universe, Bro.

        Reply
  75. Rohit from India

    I have a love marriage. I married to the girl aged 22. She was 60kg at the time of marriage.
    Now in one year she gained 20kg more. I frequently told her about her steady weight gain but she ignored every time. Also she has Hypo-thyroid. Even before marriage i told her i dont like overweight and i want well figured wife. That time she promised me she will b fit even after marriage. Now when i complaint @ her weight she cries and say “you dont love me anymore, you hv to accept me how i am.” This is bullshit man. Now she knows that i will never leave her and i have to like her how she is. My life is fucked.
    All women’s are like this only. women’s are very selfish in nature.

    Reply
    1. Caroline

      Not all women are fat lazy slobs….did you read my last post? My husband is the one who steadily put on the weight after we got married. If I knew he was going to turn out like this I would have never even looked at him twice, much less get married and have a kid.

      We dated for a year before we got married and I had NO idea he would just quit working out and pile on the pounds…..I feel sorry for anyone in this type of situation, it sucks.

      Reply
      1. Samantha

        It is unfortunate, and very disturbing, I would imagine. Overeating and a large weight gain are the same excess of a habit as any other. I know women who would kick their husband to the curb if they suddenly started drinking alcohol in excess, came home drunk constantly, and had it alter their mood/behavior. At first, I’m sure many committed spouses would say “hey, there’s a problem, we need to get you to rehab, etc.” Of course, you try to address the problem and resolve it in a compassionate way. But, if the person decided drinking in excess was going to be a part of their daily life, I bet a lot of women would head to a divorce lawyer.

        Reply
  76. Tommy

    Women have to understand that for men, being in love with a woman being phisically attracted to a woman are not the same thing. If you change your appearance in a way that is out side of the realm of what a man finds attractive, don’t be surprised if he does not want to do you anymore. Some men like thin women, some like big fat women, sometimes there is some gray area but people like what they like sexually. Thats just the way some men are made.

    Reply
  77. Catwoman

    Some men say they’re not picky–that they like skinny women, fat women, that it doesn’t matter to them.

    A boyfriend told me that once and I remembered thinking, “How could you not have a preference?”

    Apparently he didn’t, because while he used to tell me how attracted he was to me and loved my body, he ended up marrying a less attractive woman who is about 60 pounds heavier, with whom he was sleeping with at the same time as me!

    She does make more money than me tho. lol

    Reply
  78. Somdizzy

    You know i found it….”strange” to google up “my wife got fat” lol…and i happen upon this website and as i read all of these comments (most of them) i dont feel so alone anymore (not a good thing lol)

    i feel everyones’ points. I am a 31 year old male 6-2″ 220lbs. I put on a few pounds(more than id like) after leg injury, i work A LOT (web developer so alot of sitting down time) and every time i see my belly stick out i feel sick! My hrs are packed with work, wife,2 kids etc and in the end if i have to sleep less to get a work out in then i will, injury be damned!!! as long as you can walk theres no excuse.

    My wife was 5’4, 120-130 range, thick, fat ass etc….now shes 5’4, 180 or so and since shes small in height, it makes her look like a fuckking pudgy bubble…. disgusting. i go to the beach with the famz and i dont even want to be seen with her. All this weight gain i feel is like…like the same as a person with drinking problem/drug problem where by staying you enable them. I have told her MANY times , if we didn’t have any kids i woulda BEEN GONE!…..

    Ive never had problems with women so its infuriating to have women at my doorstep and my wife knows it…and to not be able to do anything about it because of the whole “monogamous relationship/marriage ” etc and yet here i am, miserable, can barely get a hard on with the wife….and i feel stuck, my 2 kids are everything to me so leaving is/will be super hard….

    Shes a stay at home mom and takes care of my lil ones (a full time job i must admit) but even still….. The real question im asking myself is ” do i want to break up the whole family(very close) and mess up my kids over this?! is it worth it? )

    I swear as wrong as i know it is to say something like what im about to say…it must be said. And that is (“is a mistress worth it? is ass on the side worth it as long as its safe???) because i remember i cheated on my wife about 6-7 years ago(at that time i was out the door leaving) and it was the BEST FEELING in the world. I took care of my family, paid for everything, took care and did what man is supposed to do which is take care of your wife, kids, family etc…and in the mean time, got great ass on the side no strings attached.!!!! Id come home so ALIVE i could care less about anything lol.

    maybe thats our way out?

    Reply
  79. Catwoman

    The problem with getting great ass on the side is that eventually, doesn’t it wind up feeling meaningless? Men aren’t as shallow as they make themselves out to be–they may claim all they want is sex, when actually, what they want is great sex with emotional connection with their wives.

    Seems like there are other problems as well, in addition to the weight. Esp. if you wanted to leave once before. What about couples counseling?

    A lot of men stay for the sake of the kids. My opinion on cheating is that it’s not the right thing to do and the woman always finds out. You don’t want your kids to know you were cheating on their mother, so think hard before you make that decision.

    Reply
    1. Caroline

      Ok, what I’m about to say will not be popular with other women, but this about being honest so….here goes. If cheating makes your marriage more bearable, then go ahead and do it…I’ve cheated and it was fabulous. The only advice I have to give you is whoever you decide to cheat with make sure they have just as much to lose as you do if y’all get busted, don’t do it with some psycho that is going to get emotionally attached and try to get you to leave your wife. On the other hand if you are looking for an excuse to get out and don’t care if you get caught then no worries

      Reply
  80. Wondering Out Loud

    Here’s the deal Ladies: All that crap we were fed as young girls about our men loving us unconditionally, for better or worse, is a crock full of garbage.

    I’ve yet to meet a man who doesn’t want their woman to look good. It’s just the way it is. So if your man isn’t being affectionate, initiating intimacy, etc. and hasn’t really said why, it’s because you’ve put on weight.

    Men are visual creatures – women are emotionally driven – we’re all hard-wired that way. I applaud the men who have been honest with their women about their weight – it takes an incredible amount of courage to do that – it’s an incredibly sensitive issue for most women and most women I know don’t take it well.

    And for the men who have yet to say anything, but suffer in silence – as mad as she will get, it’s much better for everyone for you to be completely honest with her – as hard as that may be.

    Men – one thing – you have to understand that most women lose weight a lot slower than men do, especially after a certain age. My husband and I are in our early 50’s and if I ate as much junk and as much as he does, I would be a blimp; yet he can eat to his hearts content and quickly lose any extra 10-12 pounds he puts on just by cutting down for a month and/or working out a few times a week as I jealously, enviously, notice as his jeans start fitting his mid-section after a few weeks, while I don’t see results as fast – not even close : ).

    Most of us (men/women) are encouraged when we start to see weight loss fairly quickly (I’m not talking about quick weight-loss fad diets); but when it takes my husband a week or less to see results and I am doing the same things he is (ie no meals after 7pm, counting calories, changing what/how I eat AND going to the gym), but yet will not drop 1 pound until after about 6 weeks – it is incredibly discouraging!

    (cont on next post)

    Reply
  81. Wondering Out Loud

    Yet, after that 6th week, the pounds start dropping. Amazing. It’s so hard though to wait that long. And I know it’s easy to fall back on excuses as to why we give up, etc. One thing that would help me is if my husband would stop bringing into the house all the goodies he loves (ice cream, cookies, candy, pastries, etc). Shipleys Donuts and LeMadeleine’s desserts are two of his favorite haunts. Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh – it’s so frustrating – especially because sweets are my downfall. Have I mentioned this to him, you may be wondering?? Begged and pleaded – falls on deaf ears.

    But, I’m not using that as a main excuse to not lose weight – it just makes it all that much harder.

    My husband and I have been married almost 15 years (2nd marriage for both of us), and we’ve had our ups and downs, sometimes major, just like everyone else. My husband is funny, witty, always has me laughing, works incredibly hard at whatever he does and is one of the kindest men I’ve ever met – yet at some point in the last few years, he started withdrawing on a physical level. (I have gained about 50 lbs since we got married). At first he said it was because he was getting older, then it was excuse after excuse – and as much as I like to think I am honest with myself, I just wasn’t able to discern it was the weight I had put on. He finally was able to be honest with me, and ladies I am telling you, I actually felt sorry for he guy : ). He was in such turmoil and angst before finally getting the words out (I can liken the experience to someone standing before a firing squad : ).

    Anyway, as much as I wanted him to be honest with me, his words stung and for some time. The truth does hurt. Is it fair that he can lose weight 10x faster than I can? No. Is it fair that he may be fit, but is not aging well (read – getting very wrinkled), balding and has started having gastro-intestinal problems that I wouldn’t wish on the spouse of my worst enemy : ). No. Is it fair that when men gain weight, ithey’re described as “husky,” “stocky,” etc., but when women gain weight, the terms “slob,” “fat pig,” etc. are used? Hell no!

    But ladies, as you’ve guessed by now, life is unfair. So it comes down to being brutally honest with ourselves and understanding that if you’ve put on a considerable amount of weight – don’t waste hours of trying to analyze why you think your husband is staying away. (I guess the same goes for men).

    One last thought – I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and had surgery to fix the problem (although – the surgery was brutal and if I had to do it over again, I don’t know that I could – the initial pain was incredibly horrendous). I noticed after the surgery, I had more energy, was able to sleep much, much better (more oxygen going to the brain) and have been able to manage my weight easier than before. Studies show that problems with sleep contribute a great degree to weight gain). There’s no easy answers of course – depression, etc. contribute to over-eating as well).

    My best to all.

    Reply
  82. Ted

    Women know men are visual…girls enjoy the perks of that when they are younger. But when women get older and have to work to keep looking good…now it’s somehow the fault of the man for not accepting her if she lets herself go? Pleaaaze

    Reply
  83. Fatnesswasneverhappiness

    The motivation to look good has to come from the person who’s become unhealthy (fat). Both men and women. Depression, finances and lack of sleep causes the body to store fat. Genetics is another issue. Younger people are fat these days than ever before. A lot of it has to do with genetics but also with food content.
    A great number of adulteries ocurr because of the fat issue which also makes the fat person not interested in sex and eventually driving his or her spouse to seek greener pastures elsewhere. Unfortunately there is no easy way to deal with this issue. However, many of these women and men, when they get divorced realize that in order to attract another mate, they have to look good and suddenly they eat less, exercise and start doing the things that they should have done while they were married.
    In many cases, men and women put up with obesity until they’re 50, then they get divorced and the market for 50+ isn’t the greatest so lives can be devasted wating for the spouse to have healthy weight again. You were superficial when you met your mate and you should stay superficial (for health reasons) until you’re old. It’s really hard on either man or woman to have to deal with obesity. It would be just the same if the spouse was anorexic. There has to be a healthy balance.

    Reply
    1. Samantha

      So true. It is perplexing why someone who is divorced and suddenly faced with having to attract another mate will start eating healthier and start working out when in truth, doing that within the confines of their marriage probably would have saved it. Either they didn’t feel their hand would be pushed, or they wanted to break away from their spouse.

      Reply
  84. Caroline

    I respectfully disagree. I think women, and men, let theirselves go because they get lazy and comfortable in their marriages. They figure they don’t have anyone to impress anymore so how they look doesn’t matter.

    Ultimately you should try to stay in shape and look good for yourself and your health. Plus, of you have kids you should do it for them too. My son is in the 3rd grade and told me that kids make fun of other kids parents for being fat.

    Reply
  85. Daniel

    I’ve been married for 20 years. I’ve watched her weight climb year after year. I’ve tried being supportive. I go to the gym with her. I workout with her. She will do it for a while, then quit. She makes lame excuses and just keep larding up. I bust my ass in the gym to look good for her, and I’m just expected to accept how bad she looks? It makes me shallow and unloving to no longer be aroused by a woman who is now 100 lbs overweight? I’ve tried repeatedly to talk to her about it. She just cries, and nothing changes. Don’t I have a right to be happy too? I feel like a jerk, but it’s making me miserable.

    Reply
    1. ashley

      but why can’t yo see past the weight? You need to seriously think about that before judging your wife. maybe you married someone you weren’t compatible with in the first place, maybe you only liked her for her looks, maybe now that she’s no longer an ideal mate you realized you shouldn’t have gotten together in the first place? Reevaluate your relationship, because if the wieght bothers you, maybe you never really loved her in the first place.

      Reply
  86. Caroline

    Daniel- I dont think you are being shallow, and yes you have a right to be happy. I know exactly how you feel partner. What’s keeping you in your marriage? I know for me it’s our son. I have a tolerable situation. We don’t really argue that much, but there’s no love there either. We are roommates, raising a child together, just going through the motions.

    Reply
  87. Catwoman

    100 lbs is way too much, Daniel! That’s seriously bordering on unhealthy and dangerous. Get the junk/fattening food out of the house. Maybe you can suggest Weight Watchers. That’s worked for a lot of people. It’s a complete lifestyle change.

    Trust me, if my SO gained 100 lbs.–shallow or not, I would not be attracted to him anymore.

    Reply
  88. katie123

    hi…if you truley loved her at any point in time ( you seem really immature and shallow) than her weight would never be an issue. I would have sympathy if you were like OMG my wife is overweight im worried about her health, can someone give me some ideas to get her back on track. Your just point blank my wife is fat and ugly i want to leave. You are the type of man that gives all men a bad rep. I honestly dont see why your poor wife even married your pathetic ass. Seriously? I thought this was a joke when i first read it. She lost the 2 most important people in her life. Im sure you are pretty important to her and you dont even give her the love and support she needs. You are a worthless excuse for a man. How can you (if you truely love her) think of yourself at a time like this. POS

    Reply
  89. matt

    Damn!! It sucks having a fat wife huh? Shouldnt have let her fat ass eat so much! Coping huh? You should have locked the door on the fridge dude. It must suck to marry a chick at 115 and let her fat ass blloon to 220 overnight! You driving a truck yet? You will be! Tell us how that feels p*ssy!

    Reply
  90. Leslie

    When they got married my mom and dad weighed 100 and 140 pounds. A few years later dad gained 10 pounds, mom joked about it, dad decided to lose weight, so he did. After giiving birth to both of us, mom weighed 95 pounds, dad joked about her being skinny, mom decided to put on some weight, so she did. Weighing 110 pounds, dad notice mom being less energetic, he said she can lose some excess weight if she wants to, so she did.
    Now at 46 and 50 years old, mom and dad weigh 100 and 140 pounds, exactly the same as their wedding day. If anyone thinks it’s because of their skinny genes, well……. both have obese mother and siblings.
    I think if you love someone enough you’d be willing to go the distance to look good and stay healthy for the one you love. It may not be easy but worth the effort.

    Reply
  91. Haze

    I am a wife. My husband is in shape. I am over weight. Not grossly. I am very attractive, curvateous and still maintain a signficantly smaller waist line to my hips. But the fact is, I am overweight. I have 2 children as well. Now I want to lose weight… But I want to do it FOR ME. My husband will reap the benefits of having a more fit wife. However, the goals I have in mind are for me to achieve, to feel good about myself.

    I feel badly for women who are in a situation like that. It’s hard to deal with rejection from your spouse at any level, lead alone due to your weight. But ladies, you have to want to change for you first. It is important to upkeep your appearance for your spouse. That goes both ways. Men, encourage your wives. Help them. Build them up. There’s nothing a woman wouldn’t do for man who makes her feel loved… Weight is not only about appearance but about health. And being morbidly obese is signing your own death certificate.. When you’re working towards these goals, you feel good about yourself.. you become more confident. And that spills into your marriage for the good..

    Ladies if there is a change to be made, then just do it. let’s not get so caught up on the “love me the way I am” mentality. Truth be told, if your husband laid around not taking care of himself, you too would be turned off.. Men, stop making your wives feel that a change like this is the only way she can keep you in her life. It’s discouraging and hurtful.

    Reply
  92. Jazz

    Ok can a man b consoled on not to cheat when he is having serious problems with it. Should a woman try and help him or get him perfesional help? No she she’s not she’s going to b disappointed she’s not going to want to hear that. But it’s a serious man issue. The truth is, people only change if they want too, not because the help others have gave them. It ends with the person no matter what. You came by yourself and you leave this place by yourself.

    Reply
  93. me5151

    You shallow men are so stupid! Its not all about looks. Who do you think is going to be there to take care of your sorry butts when you get old and can’t feed yourself or wipe your own ass! I can guarantee you it won’t be that 115lb. Blonde haired 21 yr. Old Barbie! Marriage is a relationship for better or worse. If physical attraction and sex was your number one concern you should have went to the local bar and picked up a hooker for the night. Your all going to be fat and ugly and saggy to one day and with that type of attitude your going to be alone! And here’s a news flash for ya… woman get wiser and more confident as they get older so if by chance you land some poor insecure girl it won’t last long because shell get fed up real fast. And another thing what if you had a fat daughter? I bet you’d be ready to kill douche bags like yourself that disrespected her for being over weight! Think twice before you make comments. For every finger you point there are three pointing back at you!!!

    Reply
  94. Andrea

    love and attraction are two different things!!!!! the truth must tell it fast, and if it hurts, so be it. Tell her that is too big and fat and no longer find her attractive, tell her that urgently need to lose weight and you will support her in that, because you love her still. It will help. I did it myself with my husband, and he is actually losing weight, truth hurt sometimes, but no pain, they do not react, they do not wake up to the reality that things are not working well … go to see a doctor, go to a gym, there are thousands of options for home exercise… you must tell her.

    Reply
  95. Jim

    Interesting comments, & I seriously can see peoples views from both sides. I’m facing a similar dilemma myself. I met my wife in 2009. She’s 5’5″ & was about 147 lbs. back then. One of the biggest reasons I was attracted to her was her commitment to a healthy lifestyle & the fact that she’d lost literally half of herself (she used to weigh almost 300). She was rock solid with healthy eating habits, even when I wasn’t, she motivated me with her determination & workouts, & had run a few half marathons. Once she became pregnant with our first daughter though, everything changed. First she used the pregnancy as a reason for foods that normally she avoided. After our daughter was born she swore that the pounds were coming off, that she couldn’t stand the way she looked (she was around 195-205 by this time). I encouraged her, I told her beauty comes from within, I told her I’d be her workout partner whenever we had the chance to find a sitter where we both could work out together, I pledged to try different foods, including foods I didn’t like when I was younger. After dozens & dozens of times, it seemed nothing worked. Well, then our second daughter was born this year, & I heard the same things from her. Again, I encouraged as much as I could, & with each passing day we kept growing apart. She told me that she didn’t understand how I could love her if she didn’t even love herself, that she felt she could lose weight by diet alone (no exercise @ all), that our weight loss needs were different & that working out together would be difficult, & that the only person that could really give her a kick in the a** was a trainer. I got her a membership to Anytime Fitness, even though we can’t afford it, & I encourage her to go… to be with her trainer & she even has a friend that goes there regularly. She is lucky if she goes 1-2x a week. When we would take walks this Summer she would always get an attitude because our walking paces are different. I’m 5’11” & 245 lbs., so I’m no poster boy of health either, but with long legs I walk faster, & I WANT to walk faster, for it to do some good. There are so many more factors that have contributed to our marriage hitting troubled waters, but I’d be here all night if I went into any more detail. My wife is at 290 lbs. now. We argue almost every day, we are undergoing marriage counseling, & she is definitely not the same woman she was 3 years ago. But now, what to do… I’m tired of beating my head against the wall with trying to encourage, with trying to reason, with trying to find a way. Neither of us is happy, intimate moments are slim to none, while I know we both love each other, it’s lost the spark it had. In many ways she’s brought me down & made it very hard for me to better myself. I recently quit smoking… something she’d been harping on me about since we met. She wants me to have my teeth pulled (yes, 90% of them are horrible) because it will set a good example for our daughters to see good teeth. Yet, it’s ok for her to keep falling off the band wagon with candy, ice cream bars, etc.?? When ever I bring that up though it just is like stirring a hornet’s nest. Our girls are 7 months & 22 months. They don’t deserve to see us arguing like that, yet neither of us is happy in the marriage right now, neither of us wants to lose opportunity to be there for the girls, & if divorce became the only option neither of us has a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of.

    Reply
  96. Leslie

    To meme5151, men that only go for looks are shallow I agree. One day everyone will be ugly and saggy, but not necessarily fat.
    Just like Haze said “Weight is not only about appearance but about health. And being morbidly obese is signing your own death certificate.”
    One day everyone will grow old, and that’s when catasthrope strikes. Older people have weaker muscles. If someone is old and overweight, how can he/she carry herself around? Confined to a wheelchair isn’t much fun, and who is going to take care of you? If an overweight elderly slips and falls, will be very very hard to getup, even with other’s help. Let’s watch our weight not only for our loved ones, but for our sake as well.

    Reply
  97. JoBlow

    If you divorce she will loose weight and become attractive again if she want another men in her life. The problem why she doesn`t do it right now to avoid divorce. Go figure

    Reply
  98. L

    F**k i hate that bitch. I f it wasn’t for my daughter i would be gone tomorrow. i guess in a few years max 13-14(sounds like a long time…) i want to be out and free like i used to be. bitter sweet revenge , i dream of that day….

    Reply
  99. dickhouse

    i hear u. I’m in a similar situation, I’ve had enough of her and her ways, I’m probably going to just kill myself this year around christmas

    Reply
    1. Samantha

      @catwoman: You’re right, most men cannot stand to live alone, even the ones who complain bitterly about wanting to be single again. I think the problem comes with their inability to stay single, and it rushes them into hooking up/marrying the next woman that comes along without really taking the time to figure out whether this person will be the right match for them years down the road.

      Reply
  100. Catwoman

    I think it’s funny how everyone dreams of being single again, yet a few years down the road they’re hooked up again–esp. men. Seems like men can’t stand to be alone for very long. Your problems will just be different with a new woman.

    Reply
  101. theo

    I am seeing it happen too, and I am trying to nip it in the bud before things go awry. My wife was skinny and put effort into her appearance. Now every time I see her she is snacking, watching tv, or screwing around on the computer with her free time. I said instead of watching tv, let’s do p90x together. Then I get nothing but excuses as to why she doesn’t want to do that. She said she was going to get a gym membership because she would rather swim for exercising, but then when I ask about I get nothing but excuses for why she hasn’t done that. She then tells me that WE need to stop having snacks around the house. Yet when I look in the cabinet, I see a bunch of Trader Joe chips and treats that I didn’t buy and don’t eat. I love my wife but I don’t love that she doesn’t take care of herself, which includes getting annual check-ups. Gaining weight is both unattractive and unhealthy, when you find yourself wearing a t-shirt or covering your belly with your arms because your embarrassed for your husband to see it then nothing else needs to be said in my opinion.

    Yes we do have kids, yes I we do have a jogging stroller that only I have used. Yes we do have bikes with a kid carriage attached to one of them that I only use, and yes the kids are old enough now to where that’s no longer an excuse. One other thing of note, I have had too many people in my life die early because they didn’t take care of themselves, so I don’t end up with the same results I care for myself differently and I expect the same from my mate. She knew that before we got married.

    Reply
  102. 87StratMan

    What women don’t understand is that when they gain a large amount of weight, it isn’t just their looks that change, its their whole personality. Gone is my slim, confident, flirty, sexy, fun, positive girlfriend. She got into this relationship and became “fat and happy” all she worries about is what she is going to eat next “nom! nom! nom!”. Food is her joy. BUT now that she has gained 60 lbs, her confidence is gone, she is depressed, she constantly berates herself and gets jealous of me every time a slim girl walks by. She isn’t interested in sex because “she doesn’t feel sexy anymore”. I guess I might as well grab a twinkie and join the club…

    Reply
  103. Paul

    I have been married for 16 years, and we dated for several years before that. She was curvy when we met, not fat at all but in more of a brick-house way. She would put on some weight and lose it like most people. Super hot, and so many other great qualities. I was the luckiest man alive.
    When she was pregnant with our first child, her friends told her that she could eat anything and as much of it as she wanted and she did. After the baby she had a lot to lose and didn’t try too hard. after our second child, she was depressed and ate a lot. I told her at many points that she was putting on some pounds in as many nice ways as I could, tried to help with working out and everything for a healthy lifestyle, but I would come home after work and there would occasionally be an empty box or two of Oreo’s.
    She had some traumatic deaths in the family and said she coped by stress-eating.
    Regardless, she has steadily put on weight over the entire marriage. One two occasions she lost some, but quickly fell off the wagon. She never cleans her stuff out of my car after she drives it, and there is always a McDonald’s bag or candy wrapper of some s**t in the car.
    Now, 16 years later, she is obese. I have talked with her over the many years and I tried open and honest, working with her, counseling and just about every other (positive) method to express my feelings and what is happening. She has diabetes in her family. She is still overweight. She is in a very positive place for several years now, we cut out all of the negative influences and people (together).
    She asks me why we don’t have sex. I have told her point blank in the past, it is because of the weight. Several times. I don’t want her to be model thin. I like her curvy, very much. But her stomach is embarrassing to her, her arms are too big and she says so, she tells me that aside from the fat she’s in good shape (mentally, spiritually and such). Yet still, she maintains habits that destroy any chance of losing weight. McD’s, cookies, candy and whatever she can get her hands on are all consumed in a quantity that would make anyone over the age of 20 fat. She knows it, yet she still does it.
    I am completely sick of this. Year after year I hope and pray that it will change. We talk, I try to communicate with her about it, and it gets worse. I have gone through my 30’s and some of my 40’s waiting for a change. I’m getting older too but I know when to put down the fork so I am only 15 pounds more than when we were married. If it were not for my children I would leave, but I can’t live without them. I took a vow and have never violated it. I don’t screw around.
    I hate this. It’s a living hell and it has gotten much worse in the last two years. She’s embarrassed by it, and so am I.

    Reply
    1. Sam

      Oh yeah Paul , how many pregnancies did your body carry ? Only 15 pounds weight gain after all those babies ? How amazing
      Your so awesome Arnt you
      How dare men speak when they don’t carry babies in their bodies
      Btw do you have the same amount of hair you had when you married . If not ? Why didn’t you look after it better
      Does your d k still get as hard as a 20 yr olds ?
      Your wife deserves so much better

      Reply
  104. GURU RACHEL

    If you call somebody stupid often enough they will start to think they are stupid, and will act stupid. You may not have told your wife she is fat, but if you treat her as though she is (avoiding sex, never complimenting her, never touching her, not buying her lingerie or flowers, not telling her she is pretty) then she will start to feel UGLY and FAT. When a woman feels fat she will act fat. ie, eat like a fat person. Lose hope of losing weight. Give up on herself etc. The more depressed = the more comfort eating and weight gain.

    Treat her like the beautiful woman she used to be in your eyes and should still be in her own eyes (no matter what you need to do to make her feel that way!!!) and she will start to believe she is beautiful, and will be happier, will eat normally, and will lose the weight. If you treat her as though she is already gorgeous in your eyes she will take pride in herself and will want to please you. Losing weight won’t be such an up hill battle if it’s done with love and encouragement from her partner in life. The moment you stop making her feel beautiful in your eyes, is the moment she will see herself as ugly – not just to you but to the world. Your opinion of her matters and affects her more strongly than any other person on the planet.. (unless if after being ignored for years she has started to seek attention in the form of an affair, and compliments are so easy to come by from horny strangers wanting a fling!) in this case she may lose weight because somebody else makes her feel sexy and beautiful. But do you think she’ll stick around when she does? You will have done your damage by then.

    Wake up to yourselves men. It’s in YOUR hands! You get out of your relationship what you put into it. Treat your wife like a goddess and that is who you will have, pure and simple.

    Reply
    1. ashley

      Is that all sex is to you? If they physically excite you, not the fact that you get to be intimate with the person you care for, love, once respected? Look everyone initially wants to sleep with someone based on outwardly appearances, that’s why we fantasize, watch porn, masturbate etc.. but at some point it has to mean something more. when you have sex with someone your sharing a part of yourself, you don’t share with other people, you connect with someone on a very personal and intimate level. It all it was about was getting your rocks off, people wouldn’t need each other, they could take care of their urges by themselves. If you don’t won’t to , that’s up to you, no one can force it to happen, but it not that you can’t it’s that you won’t.

      Reply
  105. Goldberry

    I’m reading these stream of posts and just want to put in my 2 cents. I am female. I am 52 years old and have only weighed more than 135 pounds when I was pregnant. I am not rail thin, but I do wear a size 6. I have to work at it, by keeping reasonably active and avoiding junk. Just a disclaimer for any male reading this who might think I am fat, or any woman who might think that I am skinny, LOL! I’m just regular.

    Overweight women are not happy, no matter what they say. No woman is happy when she can’t wear a bathing suit or a pretty sundress and feel reasonably decent. The heavier she gets, the less motivating it is to put on makeup, to get her hair done, to try to keep herself up, and as she ages, it worsens. When a very heavy woman asks her husband if he still finds her attractive, what is he supposed to say? If he tries to be supportive and tell her yes, that he loves her for herself, she knows he’s lying, and her lack of motivation continues. If he says no because she’s huge, then he’s an unsupportive vaguely abusive ass. There is no winning that. It’s like the old joke when the fat woman asks her husband if her jeans make her ass look fat and he responds “No, honey. The jeans are fine. It’s your fat ass that makes your ass look fat”.

    It’s not fair to relate a woman’s serious weight issues to a man losing his hair or going grey. He can’t really help those natural part of aging things. He can mask them with hair dye or plugs, but there’s no masking the weight. And yes, that goes for obese men too. You don’t look good. You look crappy, no matter what your wife says. I feel the difference is is that men’s egos are generally a lot stronger, so they’ll believe a wife’s lies a lot easier than a woman will her husband’s.

    My handsome husband lost 30 pounds 5 years ago and looks fabulous. He’s bald and shaves his head rather than fake it. I’ve luckily been born pretty, have maintained my figure pretty well and rarely leave the house without doing my hair and putting on blush. We separated 6 weeks ago after 30 years of marriage and I move into my own place in 3 weeks. No, no one had an affair. And neither of us had the excuse of obesity for the separation.

    Gentlemen, the size of your wife is no way the only reason you want out of your relationship. It’s just a convenient excuse. Ladies, you cannot eat your way to emotional fulfillment. Encouraging your husband in your passive-aggressive way to avoid sex by looking repulsive will not make your future together brighter. Parents, do not stay together for the sake of the kids. As they grow out of toddlerhood, they pick up on your emotional dysfunction and it hurts both them and your relationship with them. People separate for all kinds of reasons that are somehow acceptable; why is it not acceptable to separate because someone is overweight and not making any effort to change things? Being obese has huge health ramifications. Obese people require knee and hip replacements at a much younger age than the norm. Their heart is taxed. A person is justified for leaving because their partner is an alcoholic, but not a foodaholic. A person is justified in separating because their partner refuses to stop blowing smoke in their baby’s face, but not for showing their kids another damaging habit and lifestyle.

    Just my 2 cents on this very touchy subject.

    Reply
  106. Ashlie

    I am sorry there is absolutely nothing you find attractive about your wife now her appearance is changed. I am sorry that she was not attractive for her sweetness, compassion, understanding, love for you, love for her kids or for being a great mother and friend. Why would you marry someone only for appearances? I mean, don’t you know we all get grey and wrinkled in the end? I’m glad I love my husband for more than is looks, and it’ll take more than his looks for me to leave him. We are both honest with each other. I help him feel good about himself and he helps motivate me. We’re partners….not ships in the night.

    Also, let me tell you about a woman’s body; it changes. I know this may be pretty shocking. Hips get bigger even after 20 years old. Skin gets less firm.

    If you expect her to look like a Victoria’s Secret model, she has every right to demand a changing Tatum or a Ryan Reynolds. So if she can’t do laundry on your sixpack then maybe you should stop trying to point out her flaws and fix yours. Maybe it’ll motivate her to get active with you.

    I’m 23 years old, been married for 3 years and I weigh 125 lbs at 5’6″. I’m not perfect. And when I have kids I’m sure it’s physically impossible to look the same immediately after.

    I guess you have to ask yourself what marriage is to you. Is it a commitment? Or a contract that’s easily severed? Do her good qualities outweigh the weight? Or is her weight enough to throw away the good? Are you making her feel like she’s worth it to look good for you? Or does she feel like even if she does slim down that her husband won’t care? When girls feel valued, they value their selves more.

    Also, I wonder what your definition is of compassionate. Because losing your parents is not exactly something that takes a day or two to get over. Try loving her. Maybe she’ll even learn to love herself. But when you don’t show her love, she’ll get depressed from that, too. I mean, it’s pretty simple.

    Reply
    1. ashley

      I agree with you, i don’t know why two people disliked your comment, it’s completely true what your saying. some people don’t have enough maturity to see past the visual, even if someone does work out, they still don’t look perfect, everyone has flaws and her husband doesn’t seem to realize that. There is no such thing as perfection, we strive for something that doesn’t exist and then fault people for not being it. sad world we live in. Women have always had the pressure to be thin, and attractive, celebrities are a perfect example of how that pressure creates body image issues and low self esteem.

      Reply
  107. BArack

    Just go get some flour and find that wet spot, close your eyes so the chaffe marks don’t gross you out and pound away if you can still keep an erection that long.

    Reply
  108. Bewildered1

    I never understood how men *claim* they are so attracted to large women. I am a female too, and my actual heaviest other than when i was pregnant was when I was deployed and wearing all that gear for a whole year and it made me really stack on muscle. I was at about 145 lbs. then and for me, that was big. I’m 5’10 and 127 lbs now, and I’m out of the military, but I still wake up and hit the pull-up bars on my bedroom threshold, knock out about 25-35 squats and do some other little exercises. I also speed walk at least 5 days a week for 3-4 miles. I’m not saying this to brag, but I’m saying it to show that you can do it too. Every man that claims he likes all these big ghetto booties and giant hips and what not aren’t talking about those items with a whale’s waist line. Not only that, but I am going to go out on a limb and be highly opinionated here…is a big, fat woman even feminine? To me, they are not. Thinking of this from a primal human perspective, would the cave man risk his life to save 270 lb. Broomhilda, or the little 130 lb. maiden? My husband has a buddy that has a REALLY big fat wife, and I don’t get how they even do it because the dude is thin. I think it’s highly unattractive if a man can’t even pick his woman up and what not. What’s better than that feeling for a woman? Some of you ladies need to stop making excuses and step it up. You have to want to get better. We are biologically created to be smaller than the male for a reason. I’m not saying you can’t do hardcore stuff and kick a man’s butt in shooting, running, jumping out of planes, etc…but please look cute and be feminine while doing it. It will turn them on even more.

    Reply
  109. Don't sit around

    Keep thinking about all of your issues that are making you a fat PIG wife. And get off your butt and start moving that fat body, every day you lessen the amount of time you sit down and replace it with constant moving get your fat ass a little smaller. Eventually you may even begin to power walk or jog. Before you know it you won’t look like a fat pig, you will loose all of those negative thoughts that weigh you down and all you needed to do was start moving your big fat self…FATTY!….fat people sit around and think too much….oh yea and as for the thyroid thing, BIG FAT PIG EXCUSE !

    Reply
    1. annon2

      All i got to say as a warning to other guys.DO NOT HAVE KIDS with a woman until you have been together at least 10 years.I had a kid with my partner after 2 years ,it’s now 4 years and it’s getting to the stage i can’t stand her,she has put on 2 stone of weight ,no big deal, shes not really fat yet but i worry where it will end, ..she has also let her personal hygene slide and that is the worst thing of all.Nothing worse than being in the mood for sex and being put off by revolting smells.Now it really really bugs me to the point i don’t even find her attactive anymore because i have a constant mental not that the last time she had a bath was 3 or 4 days ago.I have told her in as nice a way possible a few times ,but she is simply too lazy to even have a bath.The laziness doesn’t stop there ,many a man would have left her already for her efforts at cooking and cleaning (put it this way ,i do it) .I’m starting to realise that i am still with her for 2 reasons .Pity and my son.When he is old enough i think i will be heading for the first exit unless she changes ,but i do know for a fact she won’t

      Reply
  110. Beth

    Okay, Take it from me…have we all lost sight of the For better or WORSE? I grew up stick thin, could never gain weight…at all…small frame, tall, and lanky….heck my nickname was olive oil….I was 5’11 and long legged small waisted weighing in at 118. Dated my husband for 2.5 years Married young at 21 and weighed 134 the day of our wedding. We have been married for over 10 years now. 5 years ago I had our first child gained 64 lbs…in 3 months I lost all but 10 lbs of it before finding out we were pregnant with our second. I got all the way up to 176 with our son and within 3 months lost all but 10lbs of it again. My husband left when our son was only 8 days old for a 15 month long rotation, his 2nd of 4 rotations at that point. I was lost with a 12 month old, and infant to take care of. I managed as long as I could because our son had colic. There was little sleep to be had in our house. I turned to my doctor who decided to put me on a medication just 4 months after having our son. 6 months later I had gone from 144 lbs to 189! Not because of eating….heck i was skipping meals…couldn’t barely remember to eat between working and taking care of the children. It took me two and half years to decide to come off the med. Due to how addictive it was, the side effects were almost unbearable. What I am getting at is that It was not my fault…I did nothing wrong….I tried so very hard to lose the weight while on the med and it wasn’t working. My husband grew tired of it…wasn’t the nicest or most supportive man I know about it. Called me lazy, told me I didn’t care about his happiness. I was depressed, isolated, and felt unloved. When I decided to come off the med I made it my goal to lose all of the weight. To learn to run, so that I could make it come off even faster and when he came back from his third deployment I could run with him. By the time he had come home I had lost over 32 lbs. dropping down to 160 lbs. I ran over 4.5 miles with him one day and his response was “well she did better than I thought she would”. I was crushed! His belief in me was so little. I fell out of motivation, our daughter had brain surgery, he was gone yet again for another deployment and then a year later…just last year…I told myself I was going to lose the last bit of the weight despite him….for me…when I made it about me…it suddenly became easier. In less than 3.5 months I lost every last lb of the weight I had gained and then some…So through almost 5 years of fighting…of crying…of rejection…isolation…and feeling unloved…I am now back to 134 lbs…tall as ever…fit and trim…I continue to work on my body…not for him. What he did to me by not standing by me…by not encouraging me…the way I needed to be encouraged…by not showing me love FOR BETTER OR WORSE….scarred me. I stand in front of the mirror at 134 lbs and see parts of me and still question myself “is this going to pass his test” When I am laying in bed…I want the lights off…I just don’t feel good enough for him. He began to show me attention again…and now…I am not so sure he deserves it…Its tough for me to let my guard down to him…whats worse is that he is callus about it…he asks not for my forgiveness…but instead says that he promises to stand by me and love me so long as I never get fat again. I cannot tell you the damage it has done to our marriage….he objectified me…It was never about not wanting to look good for him or letting myself go….NEVER about that….at all…quite the contrary…I was actually trying….it was how he treated me while I was trying…that mattered…so…for you men who are not attracted to your wife because she has gained weight…speak to her on another level….don’t make it about you….you will get farther that way…For better or WORSE is what you vowed….not for better and for the attractive….For the lady soldier who works out everyday….kudos to you….but not every situation is what it seems. beauty comes form within….I can be told every day from now till the day I die that I am pretty and beautiful…and most likely wont believe it because the number one person who vowed to love me unconditionally made me feel ugly and unimportant enough to love. I am told I am beautiful inside and out….but not by the man that matters most to me..If he ever says that to me it…i again…most likely wouldn’t believe him. judgement isn’t for us on earth but for our God in heaven….its a shame I have spent the last 5 years of my life losing sight of that. Whats bad is that i cared more about my husbands judgement of me for so long that his opinion of me now at 134 lbs still seems unworthy. Take it for what it is worth.

    Reply
  111. seriously23

    You women make me F’ing sick! C’mon! surely by now you understand the difference in males and females. Men are visually stimulated and a woman that seeks to be visually attractive should try to be, I don’t know, “VISUALLY ATTRACTIVE!”
    If a woman is burned in a horrible car accident, or loses her breasts to cancer, men should certainly be sympathetic and understanding enough to love them through this. But if a women decides to eat everything in the fridge and become a fat POS, just because she has emotional issues she can’t handle, that’s BS! I know many women that have been through severe emotional distress and yet managed to maintain a modicum of self-respect and workout to stay in decent shape. What’s funny is that I’ve seen men post the same comments “as a woman” to see how women respond. If a woman says her hubby got fat and ugly, it’s all sympathy, words of encouragement, he’s a pig, etc. But when find out it’s a man’s point of view, he’s a pig. This is stupid. You should all be ashamed of yourselves if you’re fat, lazy, pathetic, and useless and defending women just like you because you can’t take responsibility for your own obesity!

    Reply
    1. ashley

      How about you take responsibility for the fact that you are incredibly shallow individual that can’t see past the physical. people always talk about physical fitness, but never mental fitness. Just because your in body is in shape, doesn’t make you a good decent human being, because obviously in your case it hasn’t. Women were not designed for the sole person of making a mans dick get hard, and to be objectified and ogled by men. Women are here to repopulate the earth from a scientific stand point, big or not, it really doesn’t matter. Do you honestly think if you were the last person on earth, you would keep up with your physical appearance, I think not, because all that would matter is to stay alive, not look good. Yes you can argue being physically fit will aid in your survival, but in actuality being resourceful will. why don’t you stop being a shallow piece of sh*t, and learn to judge people based on their character not their weight. being fat doesn’t mean you are lazy, or pathetic or useless. And no it doesn’t say anything about your character in case you would mention it. All it says it that weigh more than the average joe. I find you personally a unattractive person myself, And i didn’t even know what you look like, you spewing this crap about fat people makes you ugly, not being fat. Grow up, learn to think with your heart, and stop being a douche bag.

      Reply
  112. Rev.Solomon

    Whether you stay together or divorce, you will lose for looking like a shallow jerk. She will tell anyone who can hear that you left her because of her grief over her parents and the weight gain it caused. Of course this will all happen while she magically loses the weight. Nothing motivates a woman to look great more than being single and wanting to drive a stake into the heart of your ex.

    I wonder if your interest waned in your wife when her parents passed away and things got more heavy and “real”. She was no longer just your sexy trophy wife/sex toy. She was a flesh and blood person who asked for as much love, compassion and attention as you! That is probably when the sex stopped and your lack of interest added to her weight gain. If you refuse to sleep with your wife, she will punish you in different ways.

    Maybe I’m wrong. As a marriage counselor, I haven’t met very many men who didn’t have a hand in the breakdown of their marriage. Men with the complaint of “She gained weight after (traumatic experience or loss)” often don’t realize that the marriage started to fail when he was unable to comfort his wife properly. Men often expect that it is a woman’s “job” to handle emotional situations and that when something happens to her, she should go see her mother or her own family or friends.

    My advice is to home, start a conversation about the weight by talking about her parents and her feelings. (Yes, and actually listen to all those feeeeelings). Say that you know she has had a hard time since their passing and that you know she eats to fill the void they left in her life. Tell her you would instead like to start a weekly tradition of visiting the parent’s grave site together (or a place they went often and loved) and then maybe honoring or talking about them on a nice hike or long walk. This will both get her out of the house and moving and also give you a chance to comfort her and be close without the risk that she will try to have sex. She may feel so good from the attention and the exercise that she will start dropping the weight on her own. If not, take the honest approach and tell her that you think she should get some therapy because she is no longer the woman you married. Do not mention the weight gain, but her overall demeanor. Say something like “the woman I married was so confident and amazing. You deserve to be that woman again and I think therapy will really help you work out those feelings. I wish I could help you more, but I am not an expert and you deserve the best help available so we can continue our life together.” I promise, she knows about the weight gain but if you’re afraid she won’t mention it in therapy, tell her to bring a pic of her from the wedding to show “how happy she used to be.”

    If that doesn’t work, she may just be lazy. I have advice for that situation as well, but we’ll have to see what happens. Best of luck my friend, that is a tough situation.

    If it makes you feel better, my wife had a miscarriage ten years ago and gained almost 80 pounds from the depression. I tried the therapy route with her and after some prodding, it worked. Between her being able to talk it out with the therapist AND some information I found about how being in shape will reduce your chance of miscarriage, she lost the weight, got into shape and we now have two beautiful daughters. I am very glad I stuck it out and did not give up on her. That is what marriage is all about. I would hope she would do the same for me.

    Reply
  113. stacey

    Wow I just stumbled on this and found the men’s comments interesting. I am a woman and in the opposite situation. I have maintained my small size while my 5 foot 6 inch hubby has gained up to 270. But the difference is I find him just as sexy as the day I met him, I get after him to lose due to his health (he has a stent) but as far as wanting him, same as it has always been. I guess that is the difference between men and women, we really are wired differently.

    Reply
  114. Ken

    Hi 
    My wife has put on weight since having kids and everytime she said she’d go on a diet.
    I helped and encouraged her, but as the other posters suggested I never put on weight, I exercised , limited my drinking, never womanised etc etc
    And kept in shape.
    My wife has probably gained 100 lbs and she blames it on the kids although when our last kid was born she had gained about 10 lbs from the day we were married.
    Every year she starts a diet and then buys sweets chocolates and the starts baking “healthy” cakes.
    She just can’t stop eating sugary snacks.
    Her attitude to weight and eating is unhealthy and is a bad example for our children
    Years of failed diets and continued weight gain shows it is an acceptable situation.
    Her health is effected, painful joints, back strain , hip problems
    A waddling gait.
    I have supported her for years in her diets but her recent weight gain, and the waddle effect is just too much for me.
    Im not looking for twiggy, or another woman but it is exhausting Supporting someone who continually fails.
    It is a drug habit ( sugar and cakes) that she can’t kick and I’ve got to the end of the line

    How do I tell her she needs to Lose weight
    I have lost all interest in sex with her but still love her 
    I won’t pretend to have an interest in sex with her because I won’t lie to her
    She tells everyone I love her as she is and that she is happy
    So its not a depression but more of a devil may care attitude.
    Unfortunately I do care!
    She looks 15 years older than she is and complaines about being tired and aches all the time.

    Reply
    1. ashley

      maybe you should take her to a meeting for people who are addicted to food, she probably has emotional issues and uses food to cope. people body changes after kids, I’m not saying it not possible to lose the baby weight, but everyone’s body reacts different, try telling her your worried about her health, say you want to have a long happy life with her, and you want her to get better. don’t however call her fat, or unattractive, just tell her you want her to be healthy not a super model or perfect. I’m glad you are sticking around because it will be a real douche bag move to leave her because of her weight. Maybe set up a reward system with her that every time she loses 10 to 15 pounds you take her out dancing, or whatever you like doing to motivate her to change. In the end, its up to her, but if you are married its for better or for worse, not just for the good times.

      Reply
  115. Jimmy jam

    Ok so after reading a few comments from this thread, I became too goddamn disgusted to read any further.

    ALOT of men who have commented from what I have read, should just be flat out ashamed of themselves. if you have a wife THAT means you fully understood and agreed with your vows of marriage. obviously MEN, you guys don’t marry for the right reasons and should probably never have gotten married or should get married at all.
    in fact I’M gonna go the distance and say your ALL pieces of SHIT. weight gain is NOT at all any reason justified by nothing known to mankind to leave your spouse in fact if you really do decide to file for a divorce ultimately because of your wives weight I hope she takes you men to the f**king cleaners and completely sucks you dry and SLAMF*CKS the shit of your life. weight can ALWAYS be lost with the consistent,loving,determined support of someone they love. you know what guys? your right…. “BREAKUP” because those poor women didn’t deserve to spend their life with a creep like you ANYMOTHERF**KING ways. My wife gained weight after we got married, and I still think she the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen in my life. Because if you married for true love “gentlemen” TRUE LOVE is truely blind. SO KINDLY GO F**K YOUR SELVES YOU SHALLOW F**KS!!!

    Reply
    1. Glamourmodeluk

      well done 🙂 its so true, they obviously were scummy cheating creeps anyway they dont know real love lol xx

      Reply
    2. Jim

      I am sorry but “Jimmy Jam” is not a man. If so, you are one who is lying to himself and sadly believing it.

      I did not marry a supermodel and I do not expect my wife to look like one. I just want her to put some effort toward taking care of herself. I do not find the over 90 lbs she has gained so far to be attractive, sorry. It is not about the weight but the lack of effort in trying to be healthy. It would make an incredible difference if she tries, but she does not.

      Reply
  116. Jen

    Why is it that its okay for the guy to have an disgusting gut, BUT the wife gains 20 lbs, and shit hits the fan? I get the look, silence and no sex.

    Mind you, I’m no slob. I’m 5’9″, weigh 160, and have been told I’m beautiful by pretty much everyone, including him IF I stay at 150. Few extra pounds, but heck, I’m 50, and it just doesn’t stay off like it used to. He weighs 205lb and is only 5’7″.

    I’m sick of eating salads while he stuffs his f**king face.

    Reply
  117. ashley

    i think you guys are the ones that are disgusting. Boys in the body’s of men. You honestly think you still look the same after you got married, your dick not as hard as it use to be either, you think your shi*t don’t stink. give me a break, fat never looks good on anyone, true as that may be, her looks were the only reason you married her? If that’s the case you are a sad excuse for a human being. no integrity or humility. You also get older, look less attractive its a fact, even if you work out, your body still ages. You may perceive to look better than her, if you spent more time working on your mind and not physical shell you would be a better person. You are sorry excuse for a man, not your “fat” wife, you useless sack of shi*t.

    Reply
  118. bill ball

    im 43 my wife got fatter and dumber so i can get her to do anyting i like
    s*u*c*king..swallowing…an*a*l…and then i take her for a coffee and sticky bun
    plus she doesnt ask where i am so i have lots of sex with other women
    life is good

    Reply
    1. ashley

      Why don’t you leave her then, instead of stringing her along. If you wan to leave, leave, but don’t betray her trust by sleeping with other women behind her back.

      Reply
    2. Mommy1031

      With all the other men commenting on this thread— YOU sir sure do take the cake as far as d!ck heads go!!! You are probably the most pathetic pos I have ever “read”. It is men such as yourself that is giving men the name of “d!ck head”. Some of the other guys are like “She’s too fat” “I want her to lose weight” BUT YOU are just down right PATHETIC!!

      Reply
  119. John A

    I’m 42, married for 13 years, and for the past 9 my wife has maintained an extremely inactive lifestyle, doesn’t clean, cook, works only once in a while, watches television nonstop, never has made friends, doesn’t have any hobbies or interests, doesn’t care to decorate the house for the holidays, wears frumpy clothes, and there’s so much more.

    But the way in one takes care of themselves says a lot about that person. However… I have seen and talked with many ladies larger than her, who carry themselves with so much more confidence, have such a great outlook on life, that while being big/fat I think use to be something that turned me off of her so much, I realize that’s not it. I can’t even look at my wife anymore. It’s not the person I married physically or emotionally, just like this monster taking up space in the house.

    There are plenty of larger women (and men) that I’m sure are full of life, great companions (in and out of bed)

    But I think first someone has to take care of their health for themselves, not for their spouse, that doesn’t work.

    I have long ago decided not to have sex of any kind with my wife, and I’ll wait for that day when the time is right, find someone else and lead a happier life. I’ll wish my wife a life of figuring out whatever it is that makes her happy and be done with it.

    Reply
    1. Maria

      Witholding sex or love is just being passive aggressive which makes you part of the problem. Don’t be such a coward. Either get you and your wife counseling or get divorced.

      Reply
  120. Tired of trying

    Like many of the men posting here, my wife had ballooned up and doesn’t seem to even try to loose the weight. It started after she got pregnant with our second child. As with our first, I expected that she would gain the “baby weight” and within a year or so loose it. With our first, she gained about 50 or so pounds. Nothing huge, but since the 2nd (almost 10 years ago now so before anyone says give her some time) shes put on well over 150 pounds and now weighs just over 300 pounds. I have been doing everything I can to support her and “help” her in her half attempts to loose weight but im just loosing my energy to try if shes not going to.
    Now, she keep complaining that I dont want to have sex any more and how do I tell her its because shes so fat that im not attracted to her any longer.
    As for the people who are posting things like why is it OK for the man to be fat but not the woman, I am far from fat or over weight. Could I stand to loose 10 pounds yes but I make sure I run no less then 3 miles every day, and make time to get to the gym at least 2 times a week. I am not saying that my wife should be stick thin, nor do I find a woman that thin attractive. I am asking her to be “normal” and remind me of the woman that I met, fell in love with and married. The woman who I used to go skiing with, go hiking with, and would just walk around with me.
    Sorry that his is kinda rambling but its just how it came into my head.

    Reply
  121. Marie_age_55

    There is so much more to a relationship than physical appearance. It is a partnership, a friendship, and all the other ships you sail together with your spouse. It is unfortunate that we do not understand this in our 20’s, 30’s or even 40’s, but the drive for sex is a strong one. Nevertheless, to say men are wired differently than women as an excuse for failing at commitment is illogical. It is like women saying I don’t feel attracted to my husband because he has lost his hair, or his hands are too rough. We shouldn’t reduce those we love and relationships or sex down to hair and skin (or weight).

    A good relationship with a spouse is a joint venture. If that venture is strong and healthy, it will generally remain feasible and the rest takes care of itself. If the relationship isn’t healthy (for whatever reasons), then a dissolution may be the right thing to do.

    Reply
  122. BiggyC

    And here we have it, yet again. A post about a common reality of marriage and the endless replies about how he isn’t doing enough to help her. For the love of God, it is not his responsibility to drag her back into shape. Simply stated, being in shape isn’t easy. If it were, everyone would be. Hello, have you noticed the 30 billion dollar diet industry trying to help unmotivated and weak willed people get in shape? It exists because being in shape takes a bit of effort, and that is just not reasonable for many. Being obese is a choice, and to hell with the excuses. Many people live their lives based on excuses and lack of accountability, and then post here that it’s his responsibility to solve her weight problem so they can continue believing their own nonsense, “I’m fat because my spouse isn’t trying hard enough to help me!”. That is ridiculous. In short, she’s made her choice, and yes it is her choice, to give up on herself physically and it is not his fault or responsibility to fix it. It’s hers. Life’s not all sunshine and rainbows, she needs to suck it up and take some accountability FFS. Being a 200 pound gal is going to have repercussions, and that’s how life is. It’s going to destroy her health, her mobility, how society looks at her, and in the end it will destroy her relationship and marriage. It’s all cause and effect, no point feeling sorry for it playing out.

    I’ve been around long enough to know, his solving this for her isn’t reality. People are what they have chosen to be, either consciously or unconsciously. And people don’t like to change. Okay, it is possible through immense effort to effect some change in others. It’s not fair or reasonable though for him to have to generate the energy to change a 200 pound obese individual into something better when they don’t want to change in the first place. It’s like if she were a bus driver who had now decided she didn’t want the bus to move anymore. Sure, he could throw it in neutral for her, strap on a harness and a rope, and drag the bus around the city while she just looks out the window. If she’s not motivated this is what he’s up against. What would be a whole lot more reasonable would be her sticking in the key, firing it up, and putting her own foot on the gas. The problem is that she won’t do that and it’s absolutely stupid for him then to have to do it for her. What those who keep saying, “Just help her”, fail to realize is that the immense weight (no pun intended, really) of dragging an unmotivated depressed human being through life will sap so much energy that eventually he’ll either give up on himself or die of exhaustion. The more likely scenario sadly is that she’ll rub off on him and he’ll get very depressed and likely stop caring about himself. And let’s be honest, if she does lose weight, the second he stops pushing her she’ll just slide back up the scale. She has to do it for herself. End of story.

    Reply
    1. Not Married to a Jackass

      I agree with just about everything you’ve written. It is not someone else’s job to get her to lose weight. She can only change if she wants to. But it is possible for someone to tell their spouse that they are concerned about their weight and they are no longer attracted to them because of it without being an asshole. It is FAR more likely for a woman (or a man) to lose weight and become healthier if they have support at home instead of someone making them feel like sh*t and completely unloved and unwanted.

      And pardon my french, but f**k society and the way they think that women that don’t fit a certain image are fat/ugly/worthless.

      Reply
  123. Not Married to a Jackass

    Do you want her to lose weight because you are shallow and unattracted to her, or do you want her to lose weight because you care about her health and don’t want to see her suffer from diabetes/heart disease/etc? If it is the former, then leave her and leave her now. She deserves so much better than your sorry ass. If it is the latter, then sit down and tell her that you are concerned and that you want to get healthy together. I’m willing to bet that you still eat fast food and still bring home ice cream, chips, and cookies and expect her to cook you gourmet meals that are full of fat. Food addictions are real, and if you want her to lose weight then you need to be supportive. I am pretty sure that you are not in the best shape of your life and that you don’t have six pack abs. Stop being a d*ck and start caring about other people.

    Reply
  124. Maria

    Seems to me you’re a big part of the problem. You can’t love her as she is and you’re probably causing much of her stress which is making her eat more. Quite frankly, I think you ought to leave her because she deserves a helluva lot better than a selfish bastard than you!

    Reply
  125. Maria

    To the men here: Some of you need to either put up or shut up. If you’re going to leave, then LEAVE! Quit talking smack. Do your wife a favor and take your selfish and shallow butt someplace else and leave her in peace. You’re not doing her any favors staying around and complaining and finding fault and conveniently ignoring the fact you probably aren’t so perfect yourself. Hope you make a lot of money to cover that child support and alimony…because freedom isn’t free…and if you do meet the skinny “perfect” wife I hope she’s not staying skinny because she’s on meth and getting plenty of horizontal exericise with someone else lol

    Reply
  126. Maria

    One more thing: if you’re having erectile problems or are just plain lousy in bed and lack technique, why don’t you just admit it and stop blaming the spouse and the weight?

    Reply
  127. Troy

    Anyone else think marriage is the problem? Or that you made a blind choice when you picked your spouse?

    I divorced my wife 5 years ago because of weight and lifestyle issues. I tried everything, I cooked healthy meals for us, I tried to get her to the gym with me, go for runs, ride bikes, you name it.

    In the end, you can’t make a person do anything. And leading by example doesn’t work, either. Instead I was accused of having an affair because I spend 2 hours a day at the gym keeping myself in extrodinary physical shape. She chose to sit on her ass and do nothing but feel sorry for herself.

    Now I just date, and I am not afraid to admit the qualities and traits I am looking for in a person. If she or I gain 15 pounds we both have the option of leaving the relationship.

    I may die alone but at least I am not tied to another persons misery and weakness, consuming valuable time I will never get back.

    Reply
    1. ashley

      Your are grown man, you can do what you wish, but marriage is not about only sticking around for the good times. God forbid you can’t workout anymore, would you want someone to leave you because of it. i get wanting to be healthy, but I personally don’t get why guys such as yourself or so fixated on it.

      Reply
  128. Courtney

    My husband married me at my biggest (280) I am now 125. If you married her, did you do it because you loved her, or because of how she looked?

    Reply
  129. R

    In Japan, the obesity rate is 3%. In the United States it is 32%. Whether you are a man or a woman, if you are overweight it is YOUR fault because of what and how much you are eating.

    It isn’t really that hard, people. You don’t gain weight by breathing air. You gain weight when the number of calories you take in exceeds the number of calories your body uses. Just eat a little less (better food, smaller portions) and burn a little more (physical activity) and the problem will take care of itself. Keep track of the calories you consume, and get a heart rate monitor that tracks calories. It’s really as simple as that.

    Reply
  130. Wife

    Okay…I ended up here because I think that this is what has happened to me. I was thin (size 6) when my husband and I first started dating.

    Now with two little kids, a full time job, keeping the house clean, cooking dinner, running to the kids activities, etc…I just lost all time for me- which used to be working out, spending time on my appearance. I feel like I do everything for everybody except myself. I have not slacked in anything else but my appearance- the house is always clean, I make wonderful dinners, I rub his feet everynight, I watch the kids so he can have hobbies and do the things I know he enjoys. I work the midnight shift and watch the kids during the day. I wont lie- I eat to feel pleasure when I am sad or stressed and it makes me feel better for a little while. I am now a size 14-16. I miss sex! So bad! He doesn’t say anything but I think I’ve discovered that its my weight.

    What I want to know is…will losing weight now make him attracted to me again or am I now seen as this forever disgusting beast? Ever since I realized that it was my weight causing the issue…I have been eating next to nothing. I am 100% committed to losing the weight…I want my loving husband back but fear it is too late.

    Reply
    1. Mike

      Wife… yes! Lose the weight. There’s no guarantee he will find you as attractive as before, but what do you have to lose, no pun intended. My wife gained over 40lb and I hate having sex with her, so it’s rare that we do. I’m almost at my high school weight which makes things worse. If she could lose half of that I think things would be different.

      If he doesn’t find you more attractive, you will look and feel much better about yourself.

      What’s your progress since last month?

      Reply
  131. EE

    If it was 45 to 50 pounds I would not have a problem. My wife was 125 when we married. 5′ 1″ and she was a knockout. I am not asking for that but 5′ 1″ at over 200lbs is more than I can take. I love her but am just not attracted to her. I would do anything I could to help her. I mean 160lbs would be fine with me. Suffering in silence is a good term.

    Reply
  132. R

    @Wife: Lose the weight and he will be thrilled — he misses the sex too. However, don’t eat “next to nothing” or you will yo-yo. You will lose weight and then gain it all back very quickly because your body goes into starvation mode. Do this:

    A) Determine your base metabolic rate, which is how many calories your body needs each day. There are calculators online that will do this.

    B) If you want to lose 2 pounds per week, remember that there are 3500 calories in a pound of fat. 2 pounds is 7000 calories, so you need a deficit of 1000 calories a day.

    C) I would try to lose 1/3 of those calories with exercise and the rest by eating less. You need to include exercise, because otherwise you will lose muscle in addition to fat. Muscle is a big part of your metabolism, and a starvation diet leaves you with a lower metabolism than you started with, causing you to gain it all back quickly. Buy a heart rate monitor that counts calories — never trust what the machines at the gym tell you.

    Reply
  133. Chris

    I am a woman who has had 3 children so I KNOW how hard it is to stay fit and keep the weight off. I have not been blessed with a magical metabolism. But I always watched what I ate while pregnant and I stayed active before and after my pregnancies. Consequently, I have been able to maintain a good figure and stay slender. WHY? for myself and for a good example for my children AND so my husband still finds me physically attractive.

    I don’t understand women who absolutely let themselves go because they are pregnant and never do anything to lose the extra weight. You have to respect yourself and your body and try your best to maintain a healthy weight. Your husband will also benefit and be grateful!

    Reply
  134. miguel

    I gained weight after marriage, we started having financial problems too because of the shitty country where I live (Venezuela). She asked for divorce and went back to her ex, I feel like a failure and not been able to see my son is making me crazy. I know if I had been fit and attractive none of this would have happened, too late when I realized that. Deep down I really think she never loved my like she loved her ex, they were separated because he lived in a different country. But I am aware that in any case not been attractive to her killed my marriage, I am still fighting with my weight I started going to the gym and eating better but can’t sleep. Sometime I feel I want to disappear but I think about my son and I know can’t….. I am not looking for your advise I am just for the first time talking about it i guess i have to say it or i will explode, sorry for my english, it’s not my first language

    Reply
  135. miguel

    sorry i meant not being attractive for her….. my enlgish is rusty. I loved her and she was very attractive to me

    Reply
  136. Catwoman

    Miguel–Or you could have been fit and attractive and she still would have gone back to her ex. You can’t control what someone else does. Worry about yourself, your son, getting into shape and being healthy–for You.

    Reply
  137. Profile photo of
    mikey71

    Read all of these with interest.

    My partner’s weight has increased over 60% since pregnancy so I really sympathise. Unfortunately for me, I used to be fat as a child and I guess that really made me see being overweight as a very negative thing – not sure. However, I am absolutely turned off by large women – big time (pardon the pun). I wish it was different but it just isn’t. I have no sexual interest in large women.

    I find it offensive that so many women use this issue as evidence that all men are dogs and are somehow the scum of the earth for having a physical preference. I mean, if I was 400 pounds of rippling blubber – who would want some of me??

    My partner uses parenthood as the reason for not rectifying the issue (too tired, no ‘me’ time, etc.). She does not seem to eat too much – but then she also exercises no self control which does not really seem too promising. She spends lots of money on Gym memberships but goes twice a year.

    So despite how that sounds, I love my wife, but I don’t find her physically attractive. I guess I also lack respect for her in terms her lack of discipline/inclination/self respect.

    We have sex, but it’s a chore for me (cue all the women saying it’s a chore for her too – I’m assuming you girls only bother to fake one orgasm? Maybe I have the one overweight wife who fakes 8 in 15 minutes. Seems unlikely but possible). I, on the other hand, have the opposite issue to the other guys here. Somehow my brain seems to decide to ‘get it over with’ so I am constantly fighting premature ejaculation. I know it is happening to cut the whole thing as short as possible – seems I’ve almost trained myself to ejaculate on sight just to avoid the main event, weird. The bigger she get’s, the sooner I come, and the sooner I want to.

    We have children. The truth is if we didn’t I would be long gone. Sure on the one hand she deserves the opportunity to find someone who loves her as she currently is, on the other, I should have the opportunity to raise my children. We don’t argue much but somehow that just adds to the vanilla flavor of our marriage.

    It’s an impossible situation. If you have strong parental values/instincts then the last thing you will ever do is walk away from your children (sadly as a father this is our reality – we have to just face the fact that the mother will win custody if it comes to the crunch – which, by the way ladies, is very wrong).

    So what are the options?

    1) Leave
    2) Cheat
    3) Wife realizes that she has the power to change herself and finds motivation to do so.

    None of the above are going to happen. Life will suck, but sweetened by a close proximity to my children.

    So to all the guys with this issue – don’t listen to the female BS that seeks to have you believe you are a bad person. Some of you may be, but not all. Not being attracted to a larger partner and being a a-hole are not mutually inclusive traits. I feel your pain.

    Personally I would like society to acknowledge the common issue of diminishing physical attraction between partners and be more acceptant of open and honest extra marital sexual encounters. For me – do I want to be with my partner? Yes. Do I want to have sex with her? Not so much. Do I want to have sex with other people? Yes. Do I want to be/live with them? Absolutely not. I want to live with my wife and occasionally have sex with other people. I would like her to do the same if she wishes. Now maybe I will achieve that situation – but if it was not so frowned upon it would be far easier to do it without problems.

    Oh and before anyone decides it is appropriate to talk about God, Jesus or religion regarding my last point about extra-marital sex, please do not. I believe all religion is evil. I do not believe in your God – whichever it may be, and I see the bible and all other religious texts as pure fiction. The organisation of belief and any form of mass worship is mind control – invented purely to permit a minority control the majority through fear of the unknown and for men to control women. Overt control of mind and thought is illegal in all other aspects of life for good reason.

    Reply
    1. Dollbaby

      This is so sad to me. Guys, what should I have done?

      For me, staying fit was always a full time job. When we met I was in shape but not thin. Being aware of my potential, I stayed active and watched what I ate more than any skinny girl I knew. I am also a full time doctor. Late nights etc. For me, 2 full time jobs. We agreed for me to keep working so we could retire early.
      I was nervous about kids bc I knew I would be gigantic and struggle afterward. We had a lot of miscarriages. Fast forward. We finally had a child. After her I had 25 pounds to lose. But then he decided to take a job out of state. It was to improve his resume. That left me now with my overweight body, a 2yr old, no sleep and my job as a doctor. We were fine financially. What I needed was help managing the child and her activities and the home. It took 4 yrs for him to find a job back home.
      During the 4 yrs, I had no time to sleep. I cooked for the child and there were times when I didn’t see her for 2 days.

      Imagine getting up at 5am and heading to work. After averaging 2 to 4 hrs sleep, Leaving your toddler with nannies you barely trust. On your feet all day. Then arriving home at 6 some days even later, Hoping the nanny didn’t something stupid while you’re gone. Choice after 2 to 4hrs sleep last night: Work out or spend time with the child I haven’t seen in 2 days? I’m the only parent at home for 4 yrs. I’ll never forget the day I got the call from my nanny telling me my daughter was unconscious..I’m at work 45 min away. No family nearby and he’s in another state.

      In this setting, I didn’t make the best food choices when I was eating always on the run. Too tired to exercise really. I put on 40 more pounds after my husband took that away job (total 65ponds since wedding). He helped very little and gave excuses when asked to do things he was capable of doing. I even hired a second nanny thinking I could work out on the evenings I didn’t work late. But then that left no time for my child to see the one parent who was there. I.couldn’t stop him from taking that job bc I knew he had to do it for himself. If I said no, he would resent me. I sacrificed my self knowing I would lose no matter what I chose. So he took the job to better himself while I struggled alone to keep our child healthy and safe all while taking call working long hours (Often 24hr shifts)

      I understand him not being attracted to fat me. What hurts is that I didn’t get fat bc I was lazy and eating out of control. I was sleep deprived, stressed out , tired and had NO help. I had to do and think for everyone in the house. Before my 2to 4 hrs of sleep I had to plan the next day and write detailed instructions for the nanny. I went through about 6 nannies and still never found one who was capable of helping our family. Did I mention my child never sleeps through the night. No help with that. She’s 9 and still won’t sleep an entire night.
      So instead of helping or sacrificing himself for the woman who sacrifice herself for him and our child, he decided to sleep with other women. It never occurred to me to cheat on him when I found hm lacking or if I felt lonely. Isn’t marriage is a partnership? If I work why couldn’t he help with his child?

      What could I have done differently? When was I supposed to find the time and energy I needed to keep myself attractive?

      My child is now 9. She can do alot for herself and by herself now. I have now had to let alot of things go to the wayside. My priority is getting fit. I hated being fat. I exercise every day for 1hr. Lost 30 lbs. Basically eat nothing. 30 more pounds to go. Since l still work and he is not ready for me to quit, I put EVERYTHING second to my workout. Cooking, laundry, cleaning, getting groceries, nanny instructions, even help with homework. Should I have done this when she was 2 and essentially raising her alone? I can’t begin to describe the loneliness and depression.

      Honestly, I don’t think I deserve the contempt or criticism. I almost wound up hospitalized over the stress of it all.

      I would like to tell those of you who truly can’t look at an obese wife, consider taking control of everything you can. Hire help if you have to. Let her get enough sleep and down time to get back in to shape for you. Some women consider it a failure not to do it all themselves. You.must put your foot down if she can’t manage the time and energy. For some it might come easy..for me staying thin is a full time job. If my husband had been there truly helping the way I needed ( not whay he thought I needed ), he would have gotten his wife back sooner, and more in love with him than ever.

      Reply
  138. Tina

    If all you love about her is her body then you shouldn’t be married to her. She will get old and you will get old and start to look like crap. If you are not ready for that then you should get out now and never get married, everyone gets old and wrinkly and “ugly”.

    Reply
  139. J walter

    I am an over-weight wife who wasn’t before kids. I have not been HUGE but I must tell you I am married to a giant 6’4″ 300 lbs. He’s very large line backer type of man who treats me well. He has never denied me or made me feel unattractive. I feel this way and so I keep trying to get down all the pre-planning of meals and exercise right so I can be happier and make him happpier too. When the kids were born I had trouble breast feeding, working full-time, house-cleaning, grocery shopping and just managing it all. My husband’s take is he pitched in, or he paid the bills or he did the yard work. It’s true he did all of those things. What I really needed I couldn’t or didn’t know how to communicate it to him.( Hind sight is 20/20) I even remember acutally communicating it once but he wasn’t listening. A fault we all have. I needed someone to be IN THE KITCHEN planning all the meals, doing the grocery shopping, making small snacks and meals in tupperware for easy grabbing. While I was breast feeding and chasing after a preschooler I became so tired that grabbing anyhthing was how I got my energy back. I needed my MAN to be more in tune with the details of running a home. It’s not Mom is the home-maker and Dad is the working guy anymore. He needed to be half homemaker as I am half working guy. I am not a fan of the filthy mouths the men have when speaking of their wives on this post. It’s demeaning and I am positive you would speak differently when in mixed company. I am a lady and a good wife. I will not quit trying to lose weight because it’s my health that is at stake. I am irreplacable to 2 young kids and also to my husband. I WILL bring SEXY BACK. My husband and I keep trying and we will get the partnership part right one of these years. We seem to be improving with every year. I also hand picked a man who would not punish, be cruel or cold to me as we aged. That part is so important for men to understand if they want a loving wife. If you want a thin wife get your bony “A” in the kitchen and take it over cooking healthy meals. Be positive, encouraging, and take away the temptations. Currently I am reading Flat Belly Diet Diabetes by Liz Vaccariello and will put our family on this way of eating. It’s Mediterranian style basically with lots of healthy fats and portion control. My wish is that my husband would help me and take some of the burden off of me so I can focus on exercising and having some me time along with a highly demanding job and the kids and all of their activities. If I had to sum it up in a word it would be “hard”! Men really examine your full contributions to your family’s lifestyle. Do you really help shape your family’s habits or are you merely a “helper”? I don’t need a helper I need a partner! They are vastly different and if you don’t believe me then look up both words in the dictionary.

    Reply
  140. magick727

    My wife and I started dating 6 years ago. We met when she was at a healthy weight 170 or so. Prior to the engagement she had a 35lbs or so fluctuation which made me aware of a potential issue but she demonstrated the ability to address it through no urging on my part. After the engagement its been a steady increase. (***If I had any culpability it was for not calling things out as the wedding day approached but that would likely turn into a cancelled wedding with embarassment on both sides of the aisle.) At the same time, I had always been a consistanty healthy weight and after seeing an inexplainable jump in my own weight had to distinguish aging vs how my diet had changed due to our relaationship. My weight gain was stil nominial to hers which is now in the order of 270 lbs. I stopped eating what she was feeding me in in 5 months dropped from 225 (my heaviest ever) to 160 LBS where I’ve stayed for 2 years now. I’m currently Vegan and walk 40 miles a week. I did this conciously knowing I could only begin to discuss the issue if I had made positive changes myself but never spoke of my thoughts on this. I ended up feeling better very quickly. I did express early on that I did not want to introduce children until we were BOTH living ‘more healthy’. She got pregnant and my frustration continued to build as I watched her eat “CRAP” through a high risk pregnancy (due to her weight) which boiled over one day when the Chettos began showing up. (She ran to her mom who apparently told her to put down the Chettos and they disappeared). I was was censored from real discussion on her weight gain for approx 2.5 years from the time of engagement until 4 months after childbirth when she was still making no effort to lose weight. Her immediate reaction was ‘outrage’ and ‘indignation’ that I would make such a charge 4 months after birth and she simply hadn’t had the chance to lose the weight she was certain she would. Its now 1 year later and she is a couch potatoe and bigger than ever. I can’t call her lazy because she puts a tremendous effort into our daughter. I’ve had 2 discussions on her weight (2nd last night)and both were met with fierce opposition despite that our sex life if getting worse as she gains weight and my frustration that she doesn’t care grows. I don’t nag or believe that I have the power to change anybody. I have tried to set a decent example without being ‘in her face’ or making judgmental side-jabs. I explained that I care but don’t need a pshyicic to predict where this goes if nothing changes down the line. As some folks have stated above we all have a right to be happy and I’m mid-30’s and willing cut my losses at some unknown point. Sex is no longer enjoyable but I’m not going to create additional disfunction by ignoring the issue and outsourcing those needs. I’m guessing she would inevitably move out of state to be closer with her parents, lose weight to villianize me and feel better about herself and meet someone new to repeat the cycle with (if possible). In that scenario I lose a regular relationship with a daughter who is now one of the hightlights of my day. I don’t know whether to be angry with her/myself or both of us. Just a growing sadness.

    Reply
  141. Britney

    Ok the goal is to get your wife to lose the weight…here is what you do…Act as anxious as possible…almost panicked… tell your wife that this guy came into work, you saw on tv, a client something of that natures wife just dropped dead of a heart attack…it made you think of your wife and the thought of ever living without her…the thought of your daughter losing her…look how devastated she was by the loss of her parents…you can’t even begin to think of (childs name) going through that or being able to fill that void…you can go into as much detail as you want about the agony and anguish you and yours would feel…about the pain in the eyes of the fictitious man…if possible cry and shell be down twenty by months end ;)…anyways elaborate on the doctor said it was totally preventable and her BMI blah blah blah put her at risk…it’s the number one killer of women ect ect and then explain that after reflecting on everything you are putting your families health as your number one priority and make a plan about what each of you can/is going to do to be as “HEALTHY” as possible…(I will do whatever it takes)…this way your worrying will lessen you can sleep at night and you can have the longest life together possible! Your Welcome 😉

    Reply
  142. Britney

    Maybe thats her incentive not to lose it ;)…no sex with you!!! My previous post was to the original post…man above my comment you should be grateful you have your wife and I want to respond but don’t even know where to begin and I don’t feel I could abstain from being very cruel…seriously you are so blessed to have a wonderful loving mother to your daughter and you really need to get your priorities in order and get a better understanding of your purpose in life and also BE REALISTIC!!!! So who’s with your daughter while you “walk”?!?!?! Let her enjoy her young child and be happy she is! From everything you wrote I can assure you you will NOT do better or be any happier…your poor wife and daughter…I hope someone values your daughter and her future child more than you value yours.

    Reply
    1. magick727

      Whatever Britney. I’m sure you’re the epitome of health which is why your trolling these boards standing up for the rights of obese women to be obese everywhere. Actually my new tactic is showing promise. I’ve begun to act lazy and am leaving junk food wrappers on the counter to be discovered in the morning. I don’t actually eat the junk food (althought he beer cans are another matter). I typically walk 10 miles per night after she crashes at 10 PM. In any event she is reacting to my apparent laziness and has begun treadmilling with a new health food campaign. For anyone interested please give this a try and report results. I’m Leaving popcorn bags and an empty pringles container out now…. BTW Britiney, I can recognize food addicts from a mile away now. They start talking about dinner at 10 AM and will look at menues online before going out to three star restaraunts. Before their get married they may have had several long term relationships that fizzled (If you have a chance to look through their picture albums from these times, the weight fluctuations line up exactly). Eventually they get serious and hold the weight off for a while and may even get married. The weight comes back on, and if they choose to ignore the fact that they are rapidly becoming more and more obese eventually the marraige will fail. At this point they will blame the husband for being insensitive. They will also begin to loose weight for the purpose of finding someone else and proving to family and friends they could have done it all along if he just would have been more patient. I totatlly beleive that people can overcome additictions of any form unless they choose not to care. I refuse to endorse the above cycle. Regards.

      Reply
  143. magick727

    And Britney … Who are you to assume that I don’t have my priorities and values sorted out. I certainly don’t need to justify myself to you but for the sake of this discussion I have an older daughter from over 10 years back. Her mother and I are on very peaceful terms (which I mindfully keep because otherwise it wouldn’t work) I see her regularly despite the fact that she lives half a country away and I have always made the efforts required to maintain unfaltering support and pay the ever increasing cost of travel to make that possible at least 6 times a year and daily conversation. I know what I value and am crystal clear that co-signing someones descent into hopeless obesity doesn’t end well for either party. BTW your statement that you are abstaining from being cruel is probably a sign that you have some unresolved self-anger (Why are you here anyways?). I admittably have always found the name Brittney to be extremely annoying. This has been reinforced by a legion of Brittneys that come to mind, but the name itself can send me into a tirade so I’ll stop here.

    Reply
  144. Ted

    Pity and love should never mix

    I have been married for two years and even since dating my wife had always been on the heavy side and self conscious about it. During my time with her, due to her insecurity she had blocked out many friends and family members, because she doesn’t want to be laughed at, saying that she only wants my company because only I understand; as result of this action, I have become more distant from people my wife does not want to see, unfortunately, most being my family members and friends. I am not told not to spend time woth them, I just cannot spend time with them and my wife at the same instance, and I am finding her to be extremely needy and demanding.

    As matter of fact, my wife would compete for attention during the time which I am supposed to work to the poing of picking a fight and threatening to leave or inflict self harm during which she becomes dangerously violent. I am told even when I MUST say ‘I love you’ to the point that gestures of affection becomes mechanical, prechorigraphed Pavlovian conditioning. I have done some research and suspect my wife is suffering from borderline personality disorder (BPD)

    I think I may have enabled her in all of this because I love her but at the same time I hate thitionship so much that I feel like I am slowly killing myself. I am literally having trouble during intimacy.I am afraid to walk away because I dare not imagine what might happen to her but I do not know how long I can keep up.

    Reply
  145. Britney

    I am annoying!!!!…and I was reading something else and was fascinated by this because people never seem to be happy with what they have…Abe Lincoln was the one who said if you aren’t happy with nothing you won’t be happy with everything…it’s so true…this caught my eyes and attention because men love me…and I am a high maintenance nightmare!!!! Women who look the way you want…you don’t want us I promise you! I always tell my girlfriends if I was a man I would marry a sweet unattractive woman who could cook and keep a house and worship me!!!! Everyone knows my husband married me because I am hot and that poor poor man!!! He cooks he cleans he works…I stay at home with the kids I had from a super rich man who pays me a fortune in child support who was also with me because of my looks so my husbands hard work is overlooked and not appreciated :(..My friends who are average looking or could lose a few are waaaayyyyy better wives!!!! Those of us who maintain our appearance over the years feel very entitled and have major expectations and feel like being pretty is enough…we aren’t really into giving or compromising! We know we can replace you in a heartbeat and are spoiled and selfish!!! It was your description…you are a man…you are vegan and you “walk”….what man “walks”…anyways leave your wife…land a hot sexy woman (hope your salary is closer to seven figures than six)…like I said in the previous comment if you really want her to lose weight and still love and adore you when she looks great act like you have no prob with her weight and act like you love her so so so much it’s her health…read the previous comment…I just read many of these and thought these guys have NO idea…and that’s not my name…like I would put my name on this…it is odd and lame and I for sure wanted to be anonymous!!! You just seemed arrogant and I was picturing this woman all delighted with her new child aloof to her husbands disdain…I think everyone does their best and she will want to be healthy and look good…just be patient! And with a baby there is that time where you are home and not out as much and in your particular story I just got the feeling she would do it on her own and that you probably have a very kind loving wife!

    Reply
  146. Britney

    Ps I was ONLY standing up for your obese woman…no one else’s ;)! I was trying to be helpful…in my comment before the one directed at you I was giving advice that would get be effective in getting these ladies to she’d the lbs!!!

    Reply
  147. Britney

    Lastly rereading my responses I wasn’t very kind…honestly I just pictured your wife as this Mormon neighbor of mine and I think being a good mom is so undervalued! I know many beautiful women who’s appearance…workouts tanning social lives ect are way more valued than their kids…tennis lessons and affairs with the swim coach (true story) the BEST dads husbands I know…all cheated on…and never with a guy who was better…with like the butcher at Costco…they want the attention for their appearance…it’s a crazy world I tell you! I don’t know you and this is the first time I have ever commented on anything online that wasn’t a friends facebook page so I am sorry for being mean and judging you…I do feel bad…it’s just so easy because I felt like you were putting someone down and I kind of got that urge to take you down a notch…or at least point out the obvious…let he who hasn’t sinned cast the first stone…we can all point the finger but pointing it at ourselves?!?!?! Don’t leave trash out though…she’s taking care of a baby! Make it about your child…get all excited like let’s be the healthiest parents for our child! Every mom wants that! Also I am a little sad because their is this woman who’s son is on my sons baseball team and she is HUGE..like I feel there must be a medical condition because she has that look like I can’t even picture her thin and her husband is HOT!!! They have such beautiful kids and I like to think that he loves her so much and he is probably writing on here and wants to die!!! I know men are all about the physical appearance…I’ve known that all my life!!! I like to think I am more than just my looks but reading all this it seems like looks really are what’s important…anyways I am sorry for being unkind…I don’t know you and I wish you and your wife the best!

    Reply
  148. Trey

    I hate when women comment on this I have a fat lazy f**ing wife. She is just plane lazy cow. All you B****ches are fat too

    Reply
  149. FaithfulWifey

    This is my first time on this site. I’m not sure how I ran into it but I feel the need to respond to this. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for almost 9 years (together 12). I was a model when we met and then gained over 100 lbs over the years. I did have 2 children but I know that I did it to myself with food.

    I used every excuse out there. The pregnancies did it, my thyroid is messed up, I struggle with PTSD…the list goes on. The fact is, I had eating disorders. My husband said nothing until he finally snapped one day and told me I was disgusting. His exact words were that having sex with me was just a step above masturbation. That was incredibly hurtful and killed me to the core. Even at my fattest, I still kept up with grooming and make up. It didn’t matter.

    My binge eating disorder then turned into binging and purging. Which also led to anorexia. I got to the point where I was only eating 100-300 calories a day. Sadly, my weight loss made my husband fall in love with my all over again. I say sadly because it didn’t fix the issue, just the symptom (fat). I went from 300 lbs to 165 (I’m 6′ tall lol).

    Finally, I did research. After reading MANY eating disorder books and joining an eating disorder support group online, I am able to maintain my weight while also eating healthy and working out 5-6 days a week. I’m explaining this so that maybe some of you guys can learn from my experience. Your wife DOES have eating disorders because you dont gain that much weight from happiness or love of food. I suggest offering an online support group and reading together. You should also understand the disorder so you can better help her. My husband is chasing me around the house 24/7 and I’m the hottie I once was (if not better from age), but I have this emptiness that I always feel in our marriage because he wasn’t there for me.

    Good luck!

    Reply
    1. cindy

      I found this site when I googled something about getting fat and unconditional love – hoping to understand my fiance’s attitude. Recently, he told me that I “had better never get fat” in the future and after five or six times of saying basically the same thing – and really meaning it – like he would not desire me anymore, would not want to be seen in public with me , etc – i stopped laughing and realized that he was serious. I am a size 8, but have gained about 10 lbs during the past year. I watch my diet rigorously while he eats fast food, pizza, etc with no effect. Subsequent conversations to clarify what he was REALLY saying – like maybe he is just wanting me to never become lazy or gluttonous – has led me to believe that this isnt about not taking care of myself but about BEING FAT. I am offended by the conditional nature of his desire for me, love for me. I never have placed such a condition on him – not regarding his job , income, or appearance. I would love him regardless of life changes – things happen. Ive had my kids, raised them, am financially stable, and this revelation has given me pause to reconsider our relationship. In every other way, he is kind, loving , affectionate, generous – always showing me love – so to hear of this conditional aspect of his desire and love for me has left me stumped.
      I have appreciated the above remarks from the men and I sort of “get it” but am still going to reconsider this issue – do I really want to have a dark cloud over my head – who knows if I will always be a size 8, and it irritates me to think he would reject me for weight issues. What happens if I get cancer, lose my hair (as unattractive as perhaps fat), gain weight because of an injury or disabling medical condition? I work in health care and see health issues interfere with weight.
      thanks for letting me rant and for the men’s comments (gulp!) that have helped me to understand a man’s thoughts – though no resolution for me.

      Reply
      1. Size 8 your pushing it

        Cancer and losing hair is your lame excuse and just being lazy!! You make me sick you could say that. Getting sick and just being a lazy bon bon eater arte two diff things!! Lose the weight fatty its ON YOU only you can control that

        Reply
      2. Nick

        Hi Cindy..the old maxim springs to mind..Whats good for the goose is good for the gander. If he expects you not to put on weight in future then he better not either. As time goes by that junk food might start having an effect….Personally if someone kept saying that to me I might tell them to shove it where the sun don’t shine….anyway..best of luck..hope it all works out.

        Reply
  150. Size 8 your pushing it

    That’s just something a fat girls says.. I mean come on get off your butt and drop the weight what is it with women that just cant admit they are lazy and wont work out.. Okay not ALL just the fat ones.. No one likes to be fat, your just to lazy to do something about it the sign of a fat person (illness related aside).. Then you freak when your mate says your too fat.. What the heck are we to do?? Live with it?? Love you just the same? Hell no your fat I don’t like it lose it or I go find what I like.. Love is love attraction is not love.. Men have wants and needs and most men don’t like fat old ladies.. Ohh Truth hurts well we do like FIT ladies so GET on a bike put down the Hogan and deal with YOUR issue!! Its not HIS problem!! YOU ARE — If I hear you should love me the no matter what!! BS I DONT LOVE FAT ROLLS, I DONT LOVE YOU LESS, I JUST AM NOT TOUCHING OR LOOKING AT them>>

    Reply
    1. Size 8 your pushing it

      My last Rant to you I am so offended by your comments!! What happens “IF” Well if your not sick than you have NO excuse if you don’t want to worry its simple DONT GET FAT! 10lbs leads to 30 and then loss of hope its OVER.. Keep rationalizing until your a cow then lets us know how it worked out for you..

      ATTN WOMEN – If you think your a size 8 chances are your really a 10 + and rising, denial leads to size 12 and that leads to cheating, no sex and divorce!! That is right it will be your fault men like what they like you should have married a guy that likes fat chicks.. LOVE does not = attraction, but when the attraction is gone other feeling take over and hate will take over..

      My message is clear — get off the couch pay attention to what he likes and do it!! If he wanted a fat girl he would have married one..

      Reply
  151. June

    I think that all of you who are posting things like ‘fat pig’ need to realise how juvenile and repulsive you sound. Granted If one partner gains weight it may affect how the other views them but being married is also about being married to your friend, confident, lover and parent to any children you have so RESPECT THEM.
    If something like weight bothers you then address it in a polite and calm manner before it gets out of hand. Calling your spouse a fat pig does not an will not encourage them to feel better about themselves or you. It will not drive them towards the goal of loosing weight but down in the dumps.

    If you are seriously so angry and disgusted at your partner go gaining weight them look also to yourself and ask why you are not doing properly as a partner that they would loose themselves that way.
    It’s so much easier for people to think that there is nothing wrong with them and that its always the fault of another.

    Reply
  152. June

    Also a lot of you men seem to be ‘trolling’ to get out your anger. Who knows if it is even your wife that is making you unhappy.
    If you got fat and went bald or lost your job would you expect her to still stick around? You self absorbed idiots would probably expect her to but would not extend the same to her.
    Being angry is not healthy for you or her. Do her a favour and leave if you honestly hate her and think she is lazy etc. I’m sure she feels the same about you.

    Reply
  153. Lana

    I’m a wife who wishes her husband would stop wanting to have sex with her so much. We have been married 3 years and I gained at least 15 lbs since we have been married going from around 117 to 134 lbs. I feel bad for both the husband and the wife. In my situation, I have both a low thyroid and stopped working two jobs when I got married. Working that much probably kept me at 120lbs. Genetics has a lot to do with how big she will become or stay. I considered myself very lucky that my baby weight just fell off naturally. So, do you your fat wives’ a favor and get them to the doctor. Maybe they have a medical problem or an emtionally one. Help her and since when are men picky about who they get sex from as long as it is free?

    Reply
  154. Christine

    Men are shallow like that. It makes me think they really aren’t capable of real love. Only lust. If your love is based heavily on how someone looks, it is a pretty fragile thing indeed, because beauty fades, weight happens. Ironically, men tend to have an overinflated, overrated view of their own attractiveness, and don’t take care of themselves either. And men have far less reason, due to metabolism and hormonal makeup, to get fat than women do. When a man gets fat, it is due to being a fat pig, pure and simple. They don’t have babies. They have more natural muscle. They get fat because they stuff their faces with bags of jumbo jacks, drink beer, and sit around watching sports. So really, guys. If you can’t be bothered to look good (and most likely, you don’t look as good as you think you do), why the hell should your wives look after themselves? It’s a two way street.

    I became overweight when I got married, going from my normal 105 to 140 (and since I am 5 foot even this is pretty chunky). This was due to an illness and the meds I was taking. When I recovered, I made every attempt to try and get back to my normal weight and lifestyle. However, my husband didn’t take it seriously, even sabotaged or belittled my efforts to get back to my normal lifestyle, which had always been moderate and active. After putting up with his shit for 6 years, I left him. Not because he was overweight, though that contributed to it. And when I decided to do so, I took control of my life back from him as well, pursued my old diet and exercise regimen, and got back to my normal 105 weight. Not for him or any other man. But for me. For my own health, well being, and happiness.

    Now that I am happily divorced, I read shit like this and am reminded now why I have no real interest in dating or getting involved with men anymore. I am reminded how truly petty, immature and shallow a man’s “love” really is, and frankly, I will pass. If a man can’t love and respect a woman when she gets fat, he sure as hell is unworthy of her when she is trim and of a normal weight. And given what I am re-learning about male attitudes and behavior, I think being single again is going to be more enjoyable than I ever imagined possible. Given that the majority of men I know and see are pretty overweight and revolting themselves, coupled with not having many redeeming qualities, I am not missing out on anything.

    Thanks again, gentlemen, for the re-education.

    Reply
  155. Lilly

    To all the men on here I had a baby a few years ago and had really serious complications along with having lupus and scoliosis. Now I’ve always been thin so when I gained weight when I was pregnant it was the heaviest I’ve ever been. I have lost almost all the weight just have 15 more pounds to go then ill be 115 and I’m 5’5. My husband says that I’m obese and that I should try and do whatever it takes to gket thin like throwing up pills……. I just wanted to know if this is how all men think I have been taking the heathy route to loose the weight I eat vegan and I never eat sugar maybe panda licorice once in a blue moon and I work out everyday I’m trying to be beautiful for him it’s hard cus I work and go to school along with taking care of the house and I only get a chance to run 9 miles a day and do an hr of pilites. Please I need advise

    Reply
  156. Paul from Canada

    Maybe I didn’t read far enough into the comments, but being fat is just another form of addiction. My 7 year 2 kid gf gained a lot of weight after the kids, doesn’t want sex, we average less than once year. I love her still and her replacement value is very high, I won’t let my kids grow up like I did, so I’m stuck with her.

    Let’s get one thing straight; I would take a bullet for that chunky, frigid, irritable, aloof woman. I’m an addict too you see, but you can’t see my addiction and I keep it that way thank you very much. Being fat is like having track marks on your arms, it’s evidence that all is not well upstairs and it in itself is a just a symptom.

    So anyway, I work out and other women tell me my body is beautiful. My gf doesn’t like to see me looking like an underwear model so she says nothing. She’s fat and I love her, but if she wasn’t my gf I wouldn’t have sex with her without losing respect for her bc I’m not attracted to fatties. I’ll have sex with them, but I just use them, and I love my gf too much to want her to fall into that category, so we don’t have sex at all, and I don’t want to. If she continues her addiction to food, fine, I’m an addict too, but I’m getting my rocks off with other women that I wish were her.

    Reply
  157. Rock Star

    In MY point of view, EVERY women has the chance to lose the ‘extra’ kilos they gained during pregnancy and most men will respect that! Its just that some women can’t be bothered or just don’t care about their appearance once they have had children, that most men resent!

    Most men really do still love there wives but they do also hope and pray that their wife will have the motivation to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight ASAP! I know it can be hard to do this, but as long as their partner is showing some form of ‘attitude’ to do this (lose weight) then the hubby is USUALLY quite happy to accept that!

    Men look at other women because its just HUMAN NATURE for BOTH sexes to do this! You probably do the same thing without even realizing it!

    Reply
  158. Profile photo of
    exhausted

    My wife and I separated. She lost weight and started putting makeup on. Then when we got back together she stopped putting on makeup and gained all the weight back. We split up for different reasons other than appearance but now I know I made a mistake. I am in super good shape. She sits around getting fatter by the day.

    I love her, but I am completely turned off by her physically. I tried bringing it up in a nice way, but she just accused me of not loving her for who she is.

    Reply
  159. Happy

    When my wife and I fell in love we were both at our physical peaks. She got pregnant and i gained stmpathy weight and despite it all we still loved each other. To me it wouldn’t matter if she was 100lbs or 300lbs I’d love her for her. She’s the most amazing woman In the world to me and She will always be sexy to me despite any physical crap. A lot of people in this thread are POS idiots. Sure physical beauty is great but it always disapears with time so finding a mate with a great heart and personality is the only true staying power one has. I have the most amazing wife, mother, confidant, friend, and love in the world and IDK if she had to be taken out of the house by removing a wall she’s stiil the best thing that ever happened to me. That’s all part of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE–something a lot of you shallow people will ever have in your lives. When you marry some one it is for better or worse, which includes skinny or fat. Get over yourselves and love that woman like you promised instead of being a shallow piece of garbage.

    Reply
    1. Me2big4u

      Ok I’m at the other side of the coin
      When I first met my HUSBAND
      he told me prior before our first date that
      He was 235lbs 6ft and had a job.
      When he got off the plane he was more like
      400lbs and 5’6″ I was shocked but I loved and
      Excepted him. When we were together for the first
      3 years before we got married
      I showed him how to eat healthy and stay fit
      He lost so much weigh naturally
      He got all the way down to 295 lbs
      And the woman started looking I wa not jealous
      I was proud of him I felt he deserves to feel
      Proud of what I saw whenhe was 400lbd
      That now other woman can see now that he is
      295 lbs 🙂
      But things quickly changed once I helped him
      Get that weight off

      He started telling me I was nothing
      Telling me I was Fat
      Talking to other woman
      Looking at porn
      And after 6 years of all that I had enough
      And kicked him out of my house we have been
      Separated for 2 years now and within those two
      Years he has packed back on the weight
      And then some all those woman are gone
      And now he is that sweet little marshmallow
      I knew from the beginning but never again
      Got bit once by that and not again so men
      I do agree with a man should be attracted to there
      Wives however be careful what you wish for
      Cause that trophy wife might end up being
      A secret trophy to someone else other then
      You.

      Reply
  160. Pushing the Deuce from 120

    The pig I married pulled the same stunt. Went from 120 pounds to over 190. I programed the scale with a memory of last weigh-in… She is pushing the “Deuce” and is only 5’3″. She does not have to work, yet complains constantly about taking care of our school aged children and her aging mother. (Even though her sisters live close and they care for her as well). There is a basement full of Mary Kay products and a 5K CC balance to prove it. But does she make the effort to sell any of it? Of course not. I know it’s a battle I am not going to win. I have not cheated on her as I’ve simply lost interest in sex and a relationship with any woman. I’ll continue to suffer in silence, but refuse to play the victim. If diabetes takes her early, that’ll be the best gift I could ever receive.

    Reply
  161. Pushing the Deuce from 120

    You gotta love the double standard! Each of these women have an excuse as to why they gained the weight and remain fat and even morbidly obese. “It’s my thyroid.” “I’m an emotional eater.” “It’s my hormones.” Boo F**king Hoo! We all know if a guy talked like this he’d get smacked upside the head and told to stop whining. Plus, the sisters would advice the woman to leave the fat slob if he doesn’t do something about it. I guess women figure since they’re supposedly giving up the “greatest good” a guy has ever had, so what if there’s a few pounds more on the bun. Nothing quite like reaching for what you think is her breast and coming up with a fat roll. Can I get a refund?

    Reply
  162. Fitforlife

    Listen up, men are hard wired and there isn’t anything you can do to change it! Men are visual creatures (some women too). My wife started to pack on the pounds after 5 years of marriage, I didn’t think it much of it until my performance in the bedroom started to decline to the point I needed to pop the little blue pill. I love my wife dearly and I cant imagine life without her.
    I must admit that I gained a few lbs too, but not to the point of obesity. I thought my weight gain and lifestyle was the cause of my ED, so one day I made a commitment to myself and got into a healthy lifestyle. I have lost 35 lbs and have packed on some good muscle, but still the issues in the bedroom persisted. My wife loved the way I looked and she started to pick up my healthy habit and has done a fantastic job loosing weight. Guess what? All she has to do is disrobe and it turns into a towel rack. No more pill. We go at it like we are in high school again. Its all good!!!
    I’m 47 she 45.
    The undeniable fact is that God has made us this way!!!

    Reply
  163. cookie

    It only means that you have loved your wives conditionally. You have loved women because they were good looking and they have hot body. This is not true love. True love means that you would love somebody unconditionally.

    Reply
  164. HALTERAINE

    MY COMMENT IS TO THOSE MEN THAT SAYS THEIR WIVES ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE TO
    THEM ANYMORE BECAUSE THEY ARE FAT. I THINK SOME OF YOU MEN NEED TO
    TAKE A GOOD STRONG LOOK AT YOURSELVES BEFORE YOU MAKE COMMENTS LIKE THAT ESPECIALLY WHEN MOST OF YOU ALL GET FAT BELLIES. WHAT?????? DO
    YOU THINK THAT MAKES THE WIVE ANYMORE INTEREST IN GETTING HERSELF RIGHT
    WHEN YOU ARE LETTING YOURSELF GO AS WELL BUT THINKS YOU STILL GOT IT
    GOING ON. MEN, WAKE UP!!!!! AFTER A CERTAIN AGE FOR MEN ANYWAY YOU GOT
    TO GET SOMETHING TO ASSIST YOU IN GETTING AN ERECTION AND WHETHER THE
    WOMAN IS FAT OR SKINNY YOU NEED HELP MAINTAINING A NATURAL ERECTION WITHOUT HELP. I DO ENCOURAGE WOMEN TO START THINKING ABOUT THEMSELVES
    AND HOW THEY WANT TO LOOK OPPOSE TO HOW HER HUSBAND WANTS HER TO LOOK.
    DO IT FOR YOUR HEALTH LADIES.

    Reply
  165. Ed

    To all the women speaking of “unconditional love,” if your husband cheated on you, let’s say with your best friend, how would you feel about unconditional love towards your husband? How about your Best Friend. Unconditional love is not possible for mere mortals. We all have needs and wants that we seek a partner to help fullfill. For men, sex is important. When a woman purposefully becomes unattractive by gaining huge amounts of weight, that is a form of cheating. She is no longer “honoring” her husband’s needs. I believe “honor” is still part of most marriage vows.

    Reply
  166. Lisa neil

    I sure hope all you men out there who had something shitty to say about women are:
    6 ft tall
    Dark and handsome too

    Cause I can bet my skinny ass that your not exactly what women want either

    Reply
  167. stacy

    Am I fat? Yes. Why am I fat? I am fat because I am unhappy. What made me unhappy? You did. When I was thin you made me unhappy by being a self absorbed asshole. Do I want to get thin for you? No, because you dont deserve me. fat
    or thin. So instead I will become financially independent, leave you, and when I do lose the weight (because I do want to for myself-just not for you) I will give
    myself to a better man.

    Reply
    1. Joe

      You’re fat because you want to be fat. You’re unhappy because you married someone for reasons other than their core values. If you want to get thin, you wouldn’t be waiting to become financially independent to do just so you can “do it for yourself”. You will be doing it so you can attract another “self absorbed asshole”.

      Reply
  168. Michelle

    If you ask me, the problem is that women who really are not big fans of fitness and eating salads every day, like me, get themselves all worked up about having to find the perfect mate, so they go all out in the “healthy lifestyle” shit even though they don’t enjoy it all that much. Then, when they finally get married, they can’t keep it up and they go in the other extreme direction.

    So I accepted around the age of 23 that while I do need some exercise like ballroom dancing and aerobic dancing and I do need to make sure I get enough vegetables to be happy, I’m never going to be big on fitness and I’m always going to want something for dessert. Just not seconds or thirds or fifths or whatever. And if sometimes I do eat half a bag of cookie on a particular shitty day, it’s not the end of the world. I go by how my jeans feel, if they start feeling too tight then I know it’s time to rein it in a bit.

    There are lots of guys who compliment me with a bit of pudge, like my boyfriend, and any guy who didn’t wouldn’t be a suitable mate for me. He has a bit of pudge himself and that’s how I like it. Yes, I sound boring as hell but I’m happy.

    Reply
  169. Matthews

    I believe it would in the best interest not to bring love between You or The Weight Issue….No matter whatever happens, how awkward things become but TRUE LOVE never dies, it exists from the top to bottom if you really have the love for your wife from the bottom of the heart. Speaking of Wives getting fatter, this is a separate but very important issue, may sound a bit discriminating but I’m not saying it, rather it is universal truth, woman are the most beautiful thing on earth and they should try to stay fit and fine (particularly Physically), now I’ve noticed that after they are married or when they have their first kids, they become very lazy, sometimes annoying, hygiene is a HUGE ISSUE (devastating). I do not think it creates a bad impression but from the HUSBAND’s point of view he definitely loses his attraction (Remember it is not about LOVE), sexual behavior and desires are all about intimacy and needs to be dealt with passion, however most women fails to acquire that from their husbands, and amusingly they wont sacrifice (to loose their weight or to look beautiful) but if you ask them to change they starts to get more emotional, may even accuse you but at the end of the day THEY DO NOT WANT TO CHANGE.. I do not have any complains against women or wives but I believe if one can give birth then certainly can loose few extra weights if she wants to make herself look good and make her husband happy.

    Reply
  170. Momof2

    Wow, there are a lot of a shallow, narcissitic people out there! Instead of complaining about your spouse’s weight gain, why don’t you go exercise with them, offer to babysit kids while she goes to the gym, and support healthy cooking? The name calling is just immature, grow up! All I have to say is karma people. Insulting your spouse and withholding sex will just make them resent you. I am married to a narcissitic person who is shallow and very selfish. I actually have a legitimate thyroid problem I’m trying to get fixed..and he’s not supportive. I’m slowly losing the weight, no thanks to him. The thing is, when I do get back down to my goal weight, will I resent him so much for not supporting me, and being super shallow, that I can no longer be with him? Support your spouses. Be honest in a loving way and exercise/eat well with them. When they lose the weight, then you don’t have to worry about them resenting you so much that they leave you.

    Reply
  171. magick727

    Thanks for all the support everyone! Wife’s no longer fat. She obsessively looks at this wrist band thingy that tells her when she’s exerted enough energy for the day. I stand by my right to have been pissed about the massive post-nuptial weight gains and subsequent apathy. It went on for 3 years from the time of my original post…. Now I know the haters here will be thinking “she’s banging someone else and that’s why she pulled things together.” Maybe so. I’ve never really been the jealous type but things are good now and the alternative was a lifetime with someone who had crossed the line of morbid obesity and fundamental points of attraction.

    Reply
  172. Steve

    I’ve been married to same person for 28 yrs. During that time her weight has been all over the map from omg to OMG. She was the home coming queen in her little town in the midwest, basket ball player just ran a half marathon and followed that up by gaining 20 lbs etc etc. I had a good friend who ended up in drug rehab that jumped my shit one time for making fun of fat people. He’s fit, actually done a little modeling and commercials and stuff. He told me that it was another form of addiction. I thought he was fos but I did a little digging and found out he’s right. Food to the fat body is no different than alcohol to the alcoholic or drugs to the drug addict. So what I have done is lead by example. I’m 54 yrs old 5’11” and weigh 181. I don’t have a six pak but I do manage to keep the top 4 pak exposed lol. The addiction is to carbohydrates. Ironically you will see a lot of carb addicts with a drinking problem as well. Alcohol is a sugar, you will also see people who quit drinking replace it with sugar. So what I have done is I treat my wife like she’s no different that any other addict (by the way her whole fam damly is fat) I’m constantly throwing sweets and chips in the trash and pouring soda pop out. Oddly enough she’s also a binge drinker. I pour that shit out also. It’s weird, it’s mind game and manipulation non stop. When she binge eats and gains I intentionally do the opposite. I work out and often fast. Here’s a biggie, if you wanna have a big fight just say something about her weight. I believe there is a time and a place for that but I avoid it and my wife never hits the morbidly mark. I never say anything about her weight. What I do is let her catch me staring at her stomach because thats the first place she gains. I also take un flatttering pics of her from bad angles. I don’t believe you can ask her to be slim if your not. It’s not entirely their fault because everything is is smacked full of carbs and msg. I have chosen the ketogenic route for this and I use that to ask her not to have that crap in the house so I’m tempted. Lastly “I look” I look at fit women and let her catch me ( don’t leer) when she’s over weight and when she’s not over weight I act like she’s the only person in the room. She notices too You can bitch and moan about it “negative reinforcement” or shut up and ignore her when she’s fat. Go find something else to do (not someone else, that’ll just make her eat more) go fishing hunting golfing workout bike whatever. Positive reinforcement when she’s fit. Buy her sexy stuff to wear, great time for the little black dress. Pisses them off when they can fit into something and your telling them their overweight without even being there. Also educate her and yourself about what is actually in the crap your putting in your bodies. Check out biblelife.org perfect diet perfect nutrition page as well as the others. Check Stephanie person on you tube, chicks dang near 50 and hot. She’s keto, just google ketosis and read. Read everything you can about low carb. Remember your most likely dealing with an addiction to carbs, treat it like one. Get that shit out of your house. That’s all the old mans got. Have a great day and good luck

    Reply
  173. Steve

    Extra stress on the buying of sexy suggestive clothes when she is thin. You can ask them to wear this or that when your going out. “you do take her out don’t You?” if they can’t get into it you’ve said it all without saying anything. Also dressing rooms “when she’s trying on these sexy suggestive clothes” are awesome places to make a positive memory about being thin “for both of you”

    Reply
  174. looser

    First of all sorry about my grammer. English in not my mother tongue.
    I am a 49 years old man who has the same weight when I was a university student. When I was a teenage I used to dream one type of girl that I fall in love. I was a romantic teenage . When we were introduced on a sunny summer day at 1987 all of a sudden I felt a thunderlight penetrates my hearth . Luckly I was 22 so this thunderlight did not damage my hearth muscles. I mean it. I felt that pain. At that moment I said to myself God created this girl(not girl an angel) just for me. I was really attracted to her because of (only) her physical appereance first. That was normal. I was a young man , all I know about her was her beauty.
    We started to date. By the time passes away I felt ( as KISS band said) as if I was maid for loving her. She was 19. We were both university students. We both loved to be together. We walked hand in hand under rain (we did not have car) , we listened to the songs together. One day we shared one hamburger together. We did not plan to be rich in future. We did not think about money. We were not the kids of rich parents .We were not poor neither. The people around my age here may comfirm me that 80’s were something special in all way. We did not have cellphones, facebook, twitter, online dating sites etc. We were grown up like the movie Grease, we listen to the romatic songs of Bon Jovi, Areosmith. Pure love . Not futher ecomomic expectations.
    After we graduated we married. We built our home piece by piece together. Meanwhile she chose to be housewife. She said she does not like to work. I said OK. Anyway . Because I love kids so much I had my first daughter on my arms 10 months after our wedding. After the second daughter the same problem came to my life. I ‘ve been fighting this obesity thing for 17 years. I have read ALL posts here. I have done everthing. Everything that you can not imagine. At first it was bearable. But when it comes and overrides to my threshold it is not bearable anymore for me. My threshold is my weight. She is 8 inch shorter than me and heavier than me right now. She gained 50 pounds during this time. 8 years ago we were invited to party. A friend of mine came by and said to me ““congratulations. I asked why. He said He saw my wife and noticed she is pregnant.” I am talking about that size of fat around her belly that makes people to think that she is pregnant. Meanwhile she has no medical issues. There’s no obese person in her family.
    I won’t repeat the same complaints about sex here. As I said I tried everthing. I talked to her manytimes. . 2 years ago I said to her “ if you won’t do it for yourself , do it for myself”. She did something . She gained more. I recommed her to go to a doctor together. She said obesity is not her problem, it is my problem and she added me needed to go a doctor. Meanwhile I am not a guy who looks for young ladies. I like ladies around my age. I see terrificly hot mature ladies around. I respect them. But frankly I hate and envy their husbands.
    For the last 8 months I do not have sex with my wife. I quit. As some people quit smoking I decided to quit having sex. Yes I am done. She did not ask to me directly but two weeks ago she said she felt something wrong with me. I said I got erectil impotence. I lied . For now I really do not have this problem yet. That’s why I pray God everyday to have this disorder someday. I am very sure I will be happier than this pathetic situation of mine.
    She did not anything to loose weight for me. And guess what. I realized at last. She did not and does not love me like the way I did and do.
    This confession would be much better İf I were an American or Brit. But I hope I explained my miserable life

    Reply
  175. Oley

    Having read the post and some of the comments, simply put:

    1) The wife is surely in some sort of depression- probably triggered by her parent’s death. And I am sure the husband does not mentally satisfy the wife- hence, the depression has increased to a high level. No normal person would gain so many pounds and still ignore it.

    2) Husband, well you are the husband- it is your responsibity to have taken care of her when she was down after her parent’s death.
    Anyways, what is done is done. Now, you need to sit down, talk to her with finality over her depression issues, find out what is troubling her. You definitely need to stick around until she takes treatment for her issues.

    After that, do discuss her weight issues and how it is affecting you, if she still does not try to get thin, maybe you need to move on with your life.

    We have to take care of our partners before we just dump them. Remember, you coud easily get into some sort of accident and end up one-legged, imagine what it would be like if your wife dumps you.

    Reply
  176. OuterShell

    Maybe you can convince her to lay of processed foods, antibiotics, and refined sugars. If she’s gonna eat a ton, then take her to Whole Foods. At least then she will be out of the standard american diet (S.A.D.), and all the weight gain that accompanies it.

    Reply
  177. Albiza

    What if you got into a freak accident and you become paralyzed and disfigured, and the way you look changes. If you were the one who changed physically for whatever reason, how would you want your spouse to react? Most likely you would hope they will support and encourage you no matter what, isn’t that what the marriage vow “love and support you in sickness and in health” means? I just think it’s pretty shallow to break lifetime vows over something physical.

    Reply
  178. Seriously Shelly

    Why are people insulting other people with weight issues? It is never ok to call people names, shame them or insult them for any reason. We all have issues we are dealing with on a daily basis. Some are visible on the outside while others are not. We don’t know whats going on in someones life. Some people smoke, some drink alcohol excessively, some eat unhealthy, some have affairs and there are many other unhealthy behaviors that people use to deal with their issues. We have no right to judge them. We don’t know what their battle is. Maybe they are in an abusive relationship, maybe someone close to them has died, maybe their child has behavioral problems, maybe they have a horrible boss or stressful job? We don’t know! Why don’t we offer kindness? Why not offer help and support? Maybe they accept your help. Maybe they aren’t ready to accept help. But leave the judging to the creator. If you want to be happy, be a positive force in your familly. Be a positive leader and example for your children regardless of what the other person does or their weight. Show your children what compassion and caring is for your spouse. Show positivity and encouragement to tackle any or your problems together. Because negativity only creates negativity. Why would you want to be part of the problem? Why don’t you become part of the solution?

    Reply
  179. Guitarman E

    I love my wife but 220 at 5’1 isn’t cutting it. For 20 years I have tried everything to help her. No effort on her part.
    If it was 20 pounds I wouldn’t say a word.
    But from 120 to 220 is not typical weight gain.
    I love her but am tired of the fat.

    Depressed and tired of it.

    Reply
  180. Incredulous

    So my drunk ass husband got into an argument with me tonight and called me fat, so I wanted to Google it and I have to say, I thought I accidentally clicked on a Pro Ana website.

    I am 5’9″ and I weigh 200 pounds and I don’t exercise. Do I care about how I look? Hell yes I do. The thing is, is I work two full time jobs, am a full time student. I have taken Prednisone most of my life, suffer from depression and have a whole host of stomach and health issues, including hypothyroidism and a “nonfunctioning stomach fundus” which means essentially that I can’t digest my food normally. I don’t over eat and if fact, I hate anything sweet or fried. Thank goodness I finally found some pills that help (NOW Hypothyroid energy for those who want to know) that are helping my thyroid and I am losing almost a pound a day.

    But guess what… when I get back to my “ideal” weight, I’m going to remember every freaking thing my husband said to me about my weight. If he doesn’t want to be supportive of me when I am at my worst, he sure as hell isn’t going to get my best. I bust my Ass to take care of my family and him, and if he can’t love me for who I am, that’s his bad not mine.

    Men can try being supportive instead of just complaining about her weight. Don’t buy her a freaking gym membership and expect her to go – BOTH of you go. If she can eat well/healthy all week, take her on a dinner date on the weekend. Be her partner!

    Reply
  181. Dave

    Married 16 years, I’m 43, 6 ft and 165 lbs. She’s 5’6″ and always “plus sized”, but over the last 5 years has been a size 26, I’d estimate she’s pushing 250. I’m incapable of arousal at this level of obesity. She’d look like a model to me if she were only 50 pounds over.

    Men don’t marry because they want their wives to provide for them – that’s the woman’s reason. Women need to stay in the ballpark as far as size. Is it really that hard?

    Ladies, you don’t have to be the perfect weight, but when slabs of back fat start to lose their battle with gravity, sexual desire drops to below zero. Or how about that “underbelly” thing below the stomach? Yuck!

    Reply
    1. steve sullin

      wife is 5’4″ about 350 pounds. 58 years old. currently in hospital from congestive heart failure. AND (per her) her weight problem is the fault of everyone else (mostly me).

      God did make some people less attractive, less athletic, lower IQ. God did not make anyone fat They did that themselves.

      I eat a paleo diet, an have tried to get her to cook with me, She refuses, and makes her own meals (mostly fast food).

      I run two marathons and a triathlon every year. She refused to support me in any way, and talks non-stop about the “unhealthy aspects” of endurance running.

      The runs are through Team in Training, a fund raising arm of the Leukemia Society. I run in honor of my son, who had leukemia at 15 and 16 years old. She is very critical and non-supportive of those efforts as well

      I own and operate a very successful business, giving her anything she wants.

      She claims her weight is due to feeling lone, became I am always off doing thing, and leaving her alone. Actually, I have tried to pull her along. She has refused to do anything, participate in any way. She wants me to take on her life styles. I will not.

      You can’t change people. They can only change themselves. I am done. I will not walk her to her grave, and I can not stop her from going there. Therefore, after 28 years, it is over.

      Reply
      1. Luke

        You have no right to b!tch about your wife’s weight unless you set the example. That means exercising regularly and eating healthy yourself. The problem is some men will complain about their wife’s weight while downing a bag of Doritos. Talk about being a hypocrite!

        Reply
  182. Angela

    reading the comments here makes me angry inside. I am a woman who always struggled with my weight. I can be honest about it too. Yes when I was younger it was cause I overate…but I worked hard and lost 100 lbs in less than a year. I divorced my husband when I did too and Ill tell you why. I ate because I was sad. He always compared me to all the models and fake crap you see in magazines…felt breasts should be huge and unmovable. I was never enough. He cut me down all the time. So I ate…burgers and ice cream and you name it. Finally one day I said enough…and took control and got down to 130 lbs and divorced him. 3 kids in the middle of it all and it was hard. 3 years later I thought I found the perfect man…and remarried. Well, I gained all the weight back. Know why? I remarried the same personality as my ex except this time with added mental, emotional and sometimes physical abuse! YAY! He spent all the money and hunted and fished and I was home strapped with our baby together, the children from my prior marriage and also his 3 children for his past TWO marriages. I finally worked up the courage to leave him as well and after all of this and going on nearly 40 I have been looking deep down and find out WHY I go for these types of men and turns out, it stemmed from my step father who was like this to my mother. My real father abandoned me at birth. Now when you read this you can come to many judgments and conclusions…despite being heavy, I am by far not ugly. I hold my weight well and I have a nice face, nails, hair etc…but of course I don’t feel good being this weight and I am trying to get back on the track of losing again…this time its not coming off like it before. In fact it seems like it wont budge no matter what I do. I have separated from husband #2 and struggling with being a single mother of 4…trying to balance it all alone and dealing with my husbands antics and guilt and all the crap that comes with a narcissistic personality disordered person. I do blame men. Maybe not ALL men but the ones in my life since childhood failed me. What dads and husbands don’t get is that when you hurt a girl or a woman you can literally make or break her self confidence…especially daughters. Loving, approving fathers are so needed in a girls like so she WONT grow up to fill those voids with abusive men or food or even other things. Anyways I can tell you that some of your opinions about overweight people are not true. I care very much about my appearance and want to change it badly…I am far from lazy. By the end of each day I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus because its go go go from sun up till sun down like every day. I have been reading in fact that THAT may be the reason my weight isn’t moving for me. Stress causing my cortisol levels to spike which causes fat gain and storage. I just wish that you guys could have a little bit of heart and not jump to conclusions. There are so many variables to this subject and I can tell you that a person who overeats is usually doing so because of a void or emptiness in their lives. You can’t point the finger at your wives without looking in the mirror and seeing that you are not perfect and she accepts you. You should be doing the same and moreover, don’t think she doesn’t know how you feel and all it does is take that sadness and make it worse…maybe if you tried the opposite approach…Tell her she is beautiful every day…tell her you love her and are worried about her health and happiness and that you are not just her husband but her friend and you want to help her get to where she needs to be NOT for you but HERSELF! Walk with her..run with her…put the both of you on an exercise regime and use it as a way to reconnect that bond and watch it pay off. Also, if you want to help her you need to clean out too…I know my husband will eat nothing but mashed potatoes smothered in butter and like a half a pack of donuts and that crap is always in the house…well if he and everyone else is eating it and that’s what we have, I eat it too…and he is overweight also so, you can’t tell her to eat a salad and then show a double cheeseburger down beside her. Not fair. When you got married you became one…you are not two…what hurts you hurts her and what hurts her hurts you…even if you think it isn’t…it is, because you are facing divorce with your current attitude…you have to realize divorce is hard and you think you will be happier elsewhere and in reality, each relationship will have the same issues…because everyone has some type of issues…its a lie that the grass is greener on the other side…you have to rise with your wife and go down with your wife. Good and bad, sickness and health. If you can’t do this than you are not marriage material and do not understand what marriage is. If you leave your wives cause you don’t like them right now you will never be happy anywhere or with anyone…cause you wont always like your spouse…love isn’t something you feel, its something you do. Learn how to love your wives and it will pay off with a deeper, more committed and healthier bond for you both.

    Reply
  183. anonymous

    My wife is now obese. I just don’t find her attractive at all. We have a child and I love her to death, but just cannot “get it up” so to speak. I feel really bad for her, and I understand to a degree that its a problem shes having, but I also get a nagging thought that she just doesn’t care about me because she literally does nothing to curb the tred and her health is getting affected it.

    Because of, I’ve developed a nasty porn habit. Thats less than awesome.

    Reply
    1. JZ

      Why do you feel like she is disrespecting your desires? Why do you feel like she did this to you? Do you help out and help her find time for herself? Trust me, she probably feels like crap. If you tell her she is beautiful then take on enough responsibility at home, she will have the encouragement , time and energy to exercise. You will have a wife with more self confidence and great intimacy. Don’t just sit back with your arms folded. Get up in the middle of the night with that baby! You are PARTNERS!

      Reply
  184. jeff

    How bad is my luck? Her mom is 135 lbs, she is 215 now. When I met her 20 yrs ago she weighed what her mom weighs. After marriage it got worse, but she gains every year. Sits at work, sleeps like her 4 yr old son. 9-10 hrs sometimes. Snoring out of control for years. Sex is bad of course because I feel like I’m in bed with a football player or pro wrestler, it wasn’t always like this. Sex without physical attraction. To top it off everyday you see the women out there running it off, she’s knows what it takes but refuses to try. Her sister in law had some kind of surgery on her belly so her husband wouldn’t cheat I guess, I’ve never suggested anything like this but now I get the idea completely. I am 6ft and 169 lbs and I need a girlfriend badly to take the stress off of both of us. Not there yet though.

    Reply
  185. Bob

    No. Shut up fatty. You aren’t fat because of this or that, you’re fat because you put too much fat food in your fat mouth. Now shut up and eat some cookie dough. So sick of this poor me shit. Take some responsibility for your own blubber. Nobody put the third milkshake in your hand. Depression???? No, depressed people shoot themselves, not eat an entire pizza. Unless it was a depressed fatty, then I guess they could eat a whole pizza, then shoot themselves. But anyway, nobody feels bad for a fat ass. You did it yourself. Now either go eat some more Fritos, or go running and do something about it chubby.

    Reply
  186. Anonymous

    I really find it frustrating that nobody is really talking about the emotional baggage that comes with obesity. If one is obese without graves disease or something similar, they have a serious issue with themselves. It is incredibly physically and mentally unhealthy situation to be in if one is even remotely comfortable with being overweight.

    Reply
  187. Kurtis

    It is amazing how many women think that it shouldn’t matter if they pack on the pounds and let themselves go after marriage. However, if their husband decided to simply stop working, they would never hear the end of it.

    If you wife has become a fat slice of hog meat, you need to sit down and explain to her that this is entirely unacceptable. If she refuses to lose the weight, you may have to say “hasta la vista, fat hog!”

    Reply
  188. Bobby G

    You can love someone without finding them physically attractive – this is the problem if you have a fat wife. I love all sorts of people, but I don’t find them physically attractive and I don’t want to have sex with them. So for me, here are the options available:
    1) slim wife, I love, I have sex with
    2) fat wife, I love, I DON’T have sex with
    3) stay with fat wife, but have sex with a slim person on the side
    4) leave fat wife, find slim new person
    5) fat wife becomes slim and I’m attracted to her again
    6) I get hypnotized to be fool my brain into thinking that a repulsive fat person is sexually attractive.

    Reply