My wife used to weight 115 pounds. She now weighs 195 pounds after going all the way up to 220 pounds. No she didn’t have a baby. She just started eating for 10 after her parents died. I was understanding about it at first. The loss of her parents hit her pretty hard and she went into depression and used food to cope. But before long she was weighing 220 pounds and I was living with a morbidly obese woman who was a complete hideous stranger to me. It’s made me question why I am married to her.
We’d stopped having sex a while back and then she came trying to interest me one night wearing lingerie. I told I was too exhausted and kept telling her that every other time until she broke down in tears crying about how I don’t find her attractive any more? How in the world can she expect me to find her attractive? I never fell in love with this person she’s become. I haven’t seen any sign of my wife in years and I’m ready to tell her lose the weight or I’m out. Submitted by guest
When your wife gets fat
by Team Writer
This topic has generated numerous comments, mostly from frustrated husbands who are dealing with a similar issue. It is very clear from reading the comments below that this is one of those subjects that have no right or wrong position. On both sides there are valid points and even the most skilled debater on either side of the issue is unlikely to convert everyone to his/her point of view because there’s always going to be an equally valid rebuttal from the other side.
Some men can still love their wives when they get fat. Some men can’t. Love is lawless. We like to talk about the way love works or the way love should work based on the ideas that we have accepted about love; but you can’t put love in a petri dish and study it. Love has no atoms. It has no molecules. It cannot be be scientifically tested. Love isn’t matter. Some people get seriously bent out of shape if you dare say to them that love is nothing more than an idea. We know we feel. And the word love is used to describe one type of emotion that we feel; but that emotion is not like the blood running through our veins. It cannot be scientifically tested to reveal how it’s structured and to ascertain what it requires in order to maintain its structure and perform its function. So everything that pertains to love, everything relevant to how love works or is supposed to work, is stuff that was made up.
The rules of love are established ideas and nothing more. That is why you can break love’s rules without penalty. Because you can’t lawfully dictate what someone can and cannot do if they love a person. If a man or woman is disgusted with his or her spouse for getting fat, telling them that if they truly loved their spouse they would accept them no matter how they physically change assumes that they subscribe to the same ideas about love that you do. If they did hold the same ideas about love that you do they would probably react to their spouse’s weight gain the way you believe they should if they loved their spouse; but just because you believe that love is unconditional does not mean everyone else should believe love is unconditional. Your ideas and beliefs about love are not the right ideas and beliefs about love. They are also not the wrong ideas and beliefs about love. There can be no right and wrong ideas and beliefs about love because love, like religion, is practiced in many ways and it’s fruitless to argue that one way is right and all others wrong just as it’s fruitless and frankly destructive to argue that one religion is right and all others wrong.
How two people love is a personal thing between them. If they love with conditions that is how they love. If they love without conditions that is how they love. If you are someone who believes in unconditional love but you are married to someone who does not believe in unconditional love then it’s up to you either to accept the conditions of your partner or to remove yourself from a situation where someone is only willing to love you if you meet their conditions. Likewise if you are someone who does not believe in unconditional love and you are married to someone who thinks you should love them without condition, and that person has done something that you find you cannot love them for, such as gaining 100 pounds, then it is up to you to either learn to love without condition or remove yourself from a situation where someone isn’t willing or able to live up to your expectations of them, and you consequently cannot love them.
This is not to make life out like it’s as simple as getting up and saying, “Okay well if you can’t love me the same at 300 pounds like you loved me at 110 pounds then see you later. I’m leaving.” Or “I can’t love you while you’re obese so if you won’t lose the extra 190 pounds you gained see you later. I’m leaving.” I appreciate that life is often a lot more complicated than that. There are children involved. There is concern over getting divorced and still being lawfully obligated to take care of your spouse financially. There are many concerns and considerations that make it difficult for some people to simply extricate themselves from a marriage that isn’t working.
If you’re going to stay in the marriage and if you want the situation to change, whether you’re the disgusted spouse or the spouse who has gained the weight, you and your spouse will have to work together to fix the problem. It’s perfectly fine to refuse to accept your spouse in their altered body but if you demand and expect that they respect your position and your point of view that you cannot and should not have to accept a 300 pound spouse when you never married and never would have married a 300 pound person, then you must be just as willing to respect their position and their point of view that who they are on the inside does not change by how they look on the outside and that they still deserve your love even if the sight of them is something you can’t abide having to behold.
In this way if you are both honoring each other and respecting each other and you are both focused on loving each other in the way you both require then you overcome this particular problem. That is to say, the obese one needs to respect their spouse enough to get the extra weight off whatever it takes, however long it takes, and the other can’t just sit around and impatiently wait while treating their spouse like she/he is unworthy to be loved, showing disgust each day and acting in a way that makes their spouse feel like he/she is worse than feces because of their weight. It’s not about holding your spouse’s hand and guiding them back to health. It is indeed true that this is something one has to do by oneself and for oneself; but how much harder do you imagine it might be for your spouse to succeed while knowing that you are disgusted by the sight of them and knowing they don’t have your love and your support because you don’t consider them worthy of your love and support unless and until they lose the weight? This is not a battle that can be won if you don’t fight it together. A very determined person might be able to do it despite their spouse not showing any support and making them feel worthless throughout the process, but don’t be surprised if after they get their body back they decide they deserve better than to remain married to someone who did not love them when they were at their worst.