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wife cheated – can harldy stand to look at her anymore

Wife had about a year long affair with no regard to the kids, her marriage, or family. We we together for about 18 years at the time. I don’t believe in, oh we all need to get around. I have only ever asked her to be honest with me and if she wanted out then I would grant her wishes. I suspected it right from the start and then went about getting proof. It took a while but I got it and now she wants things to go back to the way they were. I know so many details about where and how things happened that it sometimes makes me sick. I fake headaches or upset stomach, will find work to do, stay up late, wait till she is super tired, just so that I don’t have to think about the both of them together when she touches me.
It has been two years and I can’t look at her without thinking of it. I hate being with her and hate that I am still married. I did make it clear to her that in my heart, I am no longer married. She also knows that if if were not for the two kids, I would have left. I can’t give my kids a good quality of life if we divorce. I love them so much and want to be around them as much as possible. I also don’t trust who she would have around them if we divorced. What a nightmare my life has become.

She does not communicate and has no reason for anything she did. Yes, we have been at marriage counselling … nothing has helped me. She claims how sorry she is. I don’t believe anything she says because of how great she managed to tell lies during the affair.

No doubt, I want out. I am a relatively young man. I have two young kids with her.
I hate my life with her. I only wanted someone that respected me like I did them. Someone that would be honest and to share the events of life with. I don’t want to do anything with her anymore.

I don’t argue and didn’t even argue when I presented the proof of the affair. My kids haven’t seen us argue about this and most likely won’t. The oldest knows something happened but she is not old enough to put it all together yet. She will eventually though and I assume she won’t look at her mother the same ever again. I won’t fuel that and will tell her to have the best relationship she can with her mother but to always be careful of what she trust with her mother. Yes, it sounds cruel but she did do her best to leave the kids with anyone she could in order to go off and have sex. She didn’t care much about their safety and put them way behind her own selfish desires.

Yeah, I am done in the relationship but don’t know how to go about leaving. It will break my daughters heart. I don’t think I can do that. Plus, I can’t afford to live on my own and support the kids. I just wish I could find a great woman but I am sure they are a myth.

I hear how much women bash the men out there. I would have been so much better off if I would have treated women like 2nd hand goods and tossed it aside. Yes, I loved my wife but now with what she has done, I can’t stand to be with her. No magic left … there is nothing.

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0 25 4722 14 October, 2010 Wife Bashing October 14, 2010

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25 comments

  1. P.Shelly

    I’m not a man and so I’m not sure my perspective could be helpful. My situation is similar to yours. Husband cheated. I didn’t leave because of kids and also finances. It’s been a long time since. It didn’t take 2 years for me to be able to look at him again but it did take some time and I really never was able to look at him the same. Even to this day it hurts raw when I think about it. My survival and peace of mind comes down to keeping my mind occupied and not thinking about it and trying to get on with life while knowing the love part of our marriage is dead forever. Somehow I found a way to still be married in every sense while knowing I’m in a different kind of relationship where love doesn’t factor in but everything else kind of works the same.

    Reply
  2. Kelan

    It’s not healthy for anyone concerned to stay in a marriage with someone you don’t love or respect. Cheating yourself out of your right to be happy, cheating your children out of their right to a stable home (you think by staying you give them stability. Maybe as far as providing a home for them but lack of emotional and mental stability will be way more damaging to them than the stability of a roof over their head will be helpful) And even your wife has a right to be happy. So if you’re going to stay you really need to figure out how you can learn to get past what happened and restore your relationship with your wife to something that is healthy.

    Reply
  3. luis

    dude, i feel ya. im going through the same shit. my wife is a lying whore, i loathe her, but im still here, so i guess that makes me a stupid f**k. i beat the sh*t out of the way she was f**king for a year, he was so much younger, but i beat the sh*t out of him. it didnt help. nothing does. leave dude, it only gets worse.

    Reply
  4. Wow

    This is my story to the tee!!!! Wtf did you all end up doing? She says she loves me but I don’t even care. My two kids is all I care about. How can I do right by them? Luis – beatin the s*** out of him helps a little tho right? Lol

    Reply
  5. marcus lopez

    I’m Sorry to say, but the pain of infidelity never goes away. And I truely know that leaving is SUPER HARD when u love your woman. Especially, when u have thoughts of her being single means most likely she’ll be sleeping with other men. But I also know that once infidelity occurs, chances are it will continue. And the reason is, there is no love. So a person who’s been cheated on has to come with the terms that they’re not loved. Staying with someone who doesn’t love u is more devasting than leaving. There are many people out there who will value love, and commitment. I was married 24 years, and discovered my wife cheated. It ripped my guts out. Never, ever did I believe I would get over it and move on, but I did. I can honestly say that I’m in a very happy place. I’ve always been physically fit, pride in dressing, love music, a bit tattooed, and high spirited. I’m a peace officer and earn a very decent income. I just needed self confidence……………………

    Reply
    1. Andrew Land

      Man am I in a bad place too. In most ways my wife is not a bad person. And, I was part of what led to her affair. She got lonely, not because I wasn’t there for her in reality but because she stopped sharing feelings and felt alone. I want to help fix what I did wrong and rebuild our marriage. I want her to fix the things she did wrong. I want to keep our family intact. She didn’t just have an affair, she also planned to leave me when our youngest graduated four years from now.

      After three months of just trying to come to grips with the situation, asking her to completely end the relationship, and asking that she stop lying but she lied to me three times and did not do it, I made a plan to move out and shared that plan with her.

      Now, the weekend we are going to tell our girls came and she asked me to stay. After thinking it over for two days I said I would stay. Do I believe she will end the relationship? 70-30 yes. Wishful thinking? Probably. I haven’t given up my apartment yet however. She is trying harder than ever but will it be enough? I am trying harder than ever…and frankly believe my effort has been far more than hers to this point. Will she catch up? Does she really want to?

      Excuse me for saying this but a part of me hates her…and I mean hate. She brought another man into our lives…my life, our kids’ lives without regard for the risks it created. She slept with him. She talked to him, not me. She called him for hours, texted and emailed him in the middle of the night. Made fun of me to him and my brother in-law. Made fun of his wife too. This sickens and disgusts me. For 3 and one-half months I have been focused on one thing, saving our marriage. Half the day I focus on saving the marriage and her good qualities; the other half on what a horrible person she has been and moving on.

      Reply
      1. Abb

        I’m sorry to hear everyone’s horrific stories. But you have to know that humans cheat not just a certain breed all humans are capable because they feel their needs are not being met. It could be not enough surprises,love.sex,family outings,compliments you name it I guarantee something was neglected for a long time or over used. However my wife just ended things with me and within the space of 1 week was with someone almost every night for a month. We were still married she told me she needed a break then ended it but didn’t say anything about a relationship she was forming. Now she wants to get back together. What’s worse is that I’m British and she’s American. We filed for divorce because I wanted out. I have no friends or support net here. I pawned off my guitars sold a lot that my life revolves round to get a one way ticket back home for support. Now she wants me back. She ended it with him and wants to work on so many things together. Believe me I neglected to work at my marriage and it drove her insane to the point she almost drank herself numb every night. She’s been through pain but even with logical thought a big part of me doesn’t want her anymore. It’s a shame cause I just cancelled all my flights home. I’m here for the meantime. I said I want to work on it too. But trust makes or breaks a relationship and have none in her right now. We will soon hit marriage counsellors for advice but they will probably say I need to leave cause I’m not committed anymore. Oh I also resigned and have 0 income and live with my parent in laws this past week. Things are not good. Not good at all. I’m a strong guy but get to an emotional wreck stage at this point but 1 more month from now I’ll re book my flight home I suspect.

        Reply
  6. tim

    Ther is no excuse for any 1 ho cheated. Me wife cheated.we have 2kids.she dit not think for me or kids.. I lovet her very much and helped her in every way. I will never be with cheater.not iven for the kids . I lookt after them 24-7 and workt. Man has to have pride is very hard bud you have to do whots right. Dont live with cheater. I hate any1 ho gets involve with merit women or man .is not right

    Reply
  7. Think Tank

    I know how you guys feel. I knew my wife had cheated on me with a co-worked 9 years ago and while I saw the writing on the wall I refused to believe it. This guy was old and a total a$$hole and ugly to boot (even she admitted this). I seen late night phone calls and texts from them and she even told me she loved him then. She admitted that she was stupid and in a “bad place”. I saw them making out and things at work and always wanted her to admit up to it. I couldn’t let that rage, disgust, and contempt go. Every time I was alone with my thoughts I knew that she was either doing someone else or something shady. She lied to me since we were married and even before that. I felt like my entire marriage has been a lie and considered ALL men a threat no matter how emotionally or physically repulsive I found them. After seeing the guy she cheated on me with I became insecure about myself and felt like he turned her away and she ran back to her old familiar lapdog. The things she told me they had done not only turned my stomach but it was things I wanted her and I to do but she flat out refused. I was home watching our oldest and she was out getting her p*ssy stuffed by this clown. Or out working over time at work and she was polishing his knob. Fast forward to last year, I met a gal close to where I worked and we talked for a while. She was broken same as I. Well we ended up carrying on an affair for a few months. My reasoning was revenge pure and simple. I ended up coming clean with mine and she finally told me they only “did it once”. I knew this was bull. So she lies to me again and I finally snapped and told her I wanted a divorce. It was only then did she come clean with everything. I hate that I can’t trust her and have to go to extremes in order to get the truth from her. I have never hit her, been abusive and was completely faithful right up until last year. Well we decided to try and wipe the slate clean. A fresh start. Renew our vows and try to focus on being a great couple like we used to be before her indiscretions. I was fine until I realized that I drive by the places they screwed every day on my way to and from work. I find myself becoming more and more resentful and don’t want to touch her physically. I asked her how she could do this to me. I worked 12-14-16 hours a day for her and our son. I sacrificed so much to make sure she was happy and she still did this. I try and not be angry as she has been a great wife since that incident. But I can’t let it go. I want her to suffer as much as I did and I would love to get my hands on the other guy. He came into my house, held my kid and shook my hand and all the while sneaking around boning my wife. She was a virgin when we started dating and up until then I was the only man she ever had. Now knowing some other guy has poked around in my garden it repulses me. Am I being silly about this? Should I just drop it, move on and forget? I am so angry and want some resolve but I know deep down I still love her.

    Reply
    1. Diesel

      I’d recommend you check out the website called: http://www.marriagebuilders.com

      Read through the sections on infidelity and affairs and how to get through them. I’m going through a similar situation now.

      I want revenge and yet I want to save my marriage. I hate her for everything she’s done and love her all the same.

      It’s quite literally emotional hell – go through the site, get his books, it might actually help! I find a lot of what’s written is basically describing my life.

      Good luck – let me know if it helps.

      Reply
  8. regrets

    I hate her too so much that i would dance with relief if i heard she was dead or if she divorced me and i’d never have to see her face again. Its been four years since her first affair. there may have been more either way I’m way way past caring who she f#9ks. she says she still loves me but i wish she would just disappear. my main problem is i dont have what it takes to leave my kids. I tried and it was eating me up so i came running back… they are young, 3 and 6 and I simply just cant see what point there is to life if they aren/t there. I’d sooner pretend to be normal forever than step out of their lives…. I worry about them day and night. how they would handle a divorce, a stepdad or changed financial circumstances etc

    Reply
    1. Diesel

      One question to ask yourself – at what age do you think your children will be old enough to handle the separation / divorce from your wife?

      10, 15, 20?

      And how old are you going to be by then? Is it worth it to keep losing years of your life in an attempt to “soften the blow” for your children?

      Financial circumstances can be improved (i.e. work more, get a different job, education, etc…… there’s always a way out)

      Your life – your years? You’ll never get those back.

      Your unhappiness will ultimately transcend over to your children and then they’ll be emotionally unhappy 20 year olds growing up seeing their father emotionally disconnected from their mother.

      There’s no substitute to a happy life – your opportunity to have it is now. Every minute that goes forward is going to be just another regret of the future.

      Reply
      1. GW

        A good father amd husband doesnt care about their own personal happiness. Everything we do is to please everyone else in the family. We put them above everything else. The cheater in the relationship (whether husband or wife) is only concerned with their own personal happiness. This is why they cheat and lie. My happiness came from making my family happy, but that wasnt enough for my wife. Its been 2 years and i still hate her. We dont talk about the past or argue at all about what she did. I told her i forgave everything and wanted to move forward because i loved her, but the truth is Im faking all of it. I couldnt stomach the thought of my kids being around any of the jackasses that she cheated on me with or any of her ex’s she was/is still hung up on. For example, one of the guys she cheated with recently made national headlines for suing a popular cheating website he was a member of. What a catch he is! If a man is willing to have an affair with a married woman then he doesnt give two shits about how his actions could impact her kids. Same can be said about the wife. So i stayed to protect my children from my wifes selfishness, and poor judgement. They do deserve to have a loving happy family. If im willing to die for my children, i sure as shit can spend the rest of my life in hell with a fake smile on my face. So to tell these men they must think about their own happiness, you dont understand who these men are. They are selfless and honorable. They dont care about their own self gratifications. Their happiness now will only come from protecting the one part of the family that they love. They will never trust another woman nor should they.

        Reply
        1. Tim

          You said everything I have been doing and thinking…except that mine continues to cheat with new bf. But I decided to get a divorce and just live together…for now,…cause my kids are 7 and 10. I feel trapped…I would do anything for my kids…and I know that they wouldn’t be able to handle divorce or a ‘new dad’…

          Reply
  9. Robert Hallam

    I can tell you its the same with me. After 9 years of marriage, my wife had an two week affair with an ex boyfriend, while I was on a camping holiday with my three kids (girl 8 and twin boys 4 at the time). I got back a day earlier than planned and all shit broke loose. I asked her out right do I have grounds for divorce and she said yes. I didn’t need to know the details but she wanted to fire back at me that he had a bigger package than me. Who cares was my only retort. I immediately packed my bags and left the kids with her. She put together a separation agreement that I signed. After about 3 months I had a feeling or urge to return to my kids. But when I did return I couldn’t look her n the face and knew I couldn’t ever touch her sexually ever again despite the fact that she was an absolutely gorgeous looking woman. She just disgusted me. When I told her I was filing for divorce, she rushed her lawyer to filed first. I didn’t care. It was suite and counter suite. Her ex dumped her after about one month and she never remarried or had another date after that. She died of stomach cancer twelve years later just as the kids had reached high school graduation. On the other hand, I swore I would never get married again, and went on to buy a huge home, live alone, and involved in a string of short as well as a long romances, avoiding any commitment, and happily living the bachelors life. There is never any shortage of women who are looking for love.

    Reply
    1. Brian

      Bravo to you my friend, completely agree, women are most often the first to want commitment and the first to cheat. Oh the irony, I as well have become so bitter with the thought of my marriage to a cheating woman like all it sickens me.

      Reply
  10. Jaybird

    God this shit sucks, my wife of almost 20 years and mother of our three young boys10 6 6. Sexting repeatedly and planning their meetings, she would get all hot and bothered then we would have sex.i confronted her and she admitted, she would get horny with their sexting and i would help her out, unknowingly of course. I would be in the same room or in bed after a 14 hour night. I read pages of sexting, I think that was my mistake, I can’t get that crap out of my head. Been over a year , I think I’m going frigging crazy, life feels so hopeless. All the things they talked about doing,God every song on the radio reminds me of this traitorous slut. I want her out of my life so bad, but I need my boys. She puts on a good show of loving me, I just don’t feel the same, I will never trust her. I don’t know if saying this out loud can help, but I am effed up. Cheaters suck. Sorry for the rambling, I can’t keep two thoughts in order lately, this crap is always on my mind. Wish she’d get in a frigging car wreck, she wrecked my life.

    Reply
    1. Diesel

      Hey man, it’s f*cked up – I just caught my wife of 7 years. Not sure what I’m going to do next.

      Revenge is hot on my mind but I know ultimately it won’t do me any good (oh and for bonus points, the d*ck she was f*cking for a year is married too).

      Anyway…… here’s my advice:

      1. Seek therapy

      2. Read books and a site that has been helping me is: http://www.marriagebuilders.com

      3. If you want to have a happy life again, you CAN! You just need to have both feet into it and she needs to understand how to fulfill your needs emotionally (believe me, men have just as many emotional needs as women).

      Read the site, read the books, make up your mind, and trust me, you’re going to be OK!

      Last and final thought….. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502703

      GOOD LUCK!

      Reply
  11. Shaw

    Hi, I have known my wife for 20 years. 7 years as boyfriend and girlfriend. She cheated on me twice during the 7 years with two different guys and I only found out this now after twenty years of knowing her. I suspected this but she lied and told me nothing sexually happened so I married her. We have two kids now. During our marriage of 13 years she kissed another man twice. She picked up her ex lover twice and states that she didn’t have sex with him. She states that she loves me a lot and she doesn’t know why she cheated on me.

    I feel that the time before our marriage is/was just as important if not more important as it is this premise that you’ve based your decision on whether to marry a person or not.

    I feel that she is someone I never really knew and don’t really know. I feel disgusted when I think of the sexual things she’s done. I am still having sex with her but during sex I think of the other men and it kills it for me.

    If it were not for the children I would have left her. I don’t know what to do. I know that leaving her would mean that the kids would be financially, emotionally affected.

    But I am on this emotional roller coaster sometimes happy, sometimes very sad. I also hate her at times. I also don’t know what other lies are still hidden.

    Reply
  12. frustrated husband

    Nothing anyone says is going to make you feel any better and nothing you read is going to fix the problem.

    The worst part of it all is that she thought so little of you that she lied to your face and cheated on you.

    I went through something similar with my wife and I can tell you 2+ years later and I still struggle with it.

    The biggest problem is the law. In most cases a wife and lie and cheat and still ends up with the kids.

    I’d like to tell you that over time your heart will heal but that’s not true. You’re always going to be thinking, is she telling me the truth? Who was she with? What was she really doing? You’re also going to be looking more into things and that will drive you crazy.

    My wife didn’t physically cheat but she emotionally cheated and was sending naked pictures of herself to her ex-boyfriend and a guy she was working with and she was constantly texting another guy she was working with. I tried counseling but that didn’t help (and it really doesn’t help anyone).

    We got through things mainly because she got a new job, and I enforced a transparency rule in our relationship. At anytime I can go through her phone and emails and she can do the same with mine.

    This worked for a spell as it eased my mind, but now when out without me, I hear about how random guys are hitting on my wife and how she’s been using Facebook Messenger to talk to some of them. Most recently one was waiting for her in a parking lot and had followed her to a store once.

    I’m frustrated over this because she’s gone out of her way to take advantage of my good nature yet again and at the same time put herself in a very dangerous position.

    I told her this is a huge problem. Why are guys hitting on you? She has a big ring on her finger and I know she hasn’t taken that off. So either the guys don’t care (I find that not likely), they don’t know she’s married (not likely) or she’s giving the impression that she easy.

    You have to realize you can’t make decisions for her. You can’t be there 100% of the time and you’re never going to have closure.

    You have the following options:

    A. Learn to deal with it and move past it.
    B. Leave and fight for your kids.
    C. Find yourself someone better and treat your wife the way she treats you.

    Reply
  13. Seth

    I hate people who cheat i think i should be illegal and before you ask no i did not get this shit from that 7000 year old comic book called the bible ok.

    Reply
  14. ASC

    It’s frustrating! Wife cheated on me during the best time of our 10 yr marriage. When she got caught, she kept on lying, denying, false justifications and trickle truth. She took me and the marriage during the affairs and after getting caught completely for granted. She thought if she got caught, at most I will be angry at her for 3-4 days then forget about it. We have 2 small kids whom I love a lot and they love me too.
    For 4 months we did counselling a lot and I thought deep and long term about the marriage. I realised I could never trust her or love her again and the marriage, if continued, will be an empty shell. Finally I told her I need a divorce.
    I moved out since one I said divorce she started telling her friends that I was hitting her every night and had threatened to kill her. It was better to move out then to fave false criminal charges even though I own that house. Will miss the kids but they are better off growing up with one parent rather then in a miserable marriage. If I am going to stay in that marriage and be miserable, what happiness can a miserable father give his kids? Moved out, going for divorce, good riddance!

    Reply
  15. Dale

    The first comment was posted in oct 2010, the most recent before mine was in june 2017. That’s a big time period and yet here we are still pouring out our hearts because cheaters will keep cheating. I guess we just want somebody to hear about our pain who gives a s**t. I have been married 11 years and have 3 kids. My wife had cheated on me twice previously to my discovery this year of a 2 year affair she had been having. I forgave her in the past and can honestly say I’ve been a good husband but I can’t get over the last 2 years of bare-faced lies and the hiding of so big a secret all the while still using me for sex. I feel so dirty and violated. What she saw was a soft, trusting fool to keep taking advantage of. In reality I just loved her so damn much that I put up with the way she treated me over the years. We fell into roles of her being dominant and me being submissive. I don’t trust her anymore but I am still living with her like so many of the other guys on here did/do. It’s the kids that influence my decision because I never had a father around and they are my world. She said if we ever separated, I could have the kids but I just wanted them to have both parents. I understand that just isn’t going to happen long-term as my feelings towards her have changed. I want to leave her and I want a divorce and I want to be with somebody who loves me and respects me as much as I did my wife but, even after all she’s done, I don’t want to hurt her by leaving her and I feel some f**d up sense of responsibility to her because my marriage vows meant everything to me. I have to face that they can’t have meant anything to her. She has developed a pattern of cheating. She cheated on partners before me. I don’t think she is capable of being faithful. I don’t feel she is sorry. She is still unloving and doesn’t seem interested in repairing the damage she’s done. She is so beautiful externally but I need inner beauty from a woman. I guess my low self esteem and altruistic nature have made me an easy to target to abuse. I’m now just trying to build the financial savings and inner strength I will need to tell her I deserve better and that I’m leaving. I feel for every guy on here who has truly loved his wife and been a faithful, attentative husband and still been s**t on. My heart goes out to you guys. Much love to you all and I hope you find the happiness you deserve with or without your wives. Stay strong, my friends.

    Reply

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