I love my husband but he's fat and gross and I don't want to have sex with him
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I love my husband but he’s fat and gross and I don’t want to have sex with him

I came across a post on loveshack.org where a woman was writing in to ask people’s opinion on whether or not she’s obligated to have sex with her overweight husband. She explained how her husband used to be in shape but has now become gross to her. Apparently he started getting fat around the time she got pregnant. She doesn’t indicate if this was intentional. Some men try to make their wives feel better about gaining pregnancy weight by intentionally gaining weight themselves during the wife’s pregnancy. Whether it was intentional or not this woman’s husband put on some 50 extra pounds according to her complaint and he never lost it even after she lost hers. She was disgusted and frustrated and wanted to know if she should feel bound by duty to have sex with a fat husband. She wrote:

Loveshack.org – “…He is a good 50 lbs overweight, and it is hideous to me…. I am just really frustrated because I feel like we no longer have any intimacy. I still want sex, just usually not from him. Call me shallow, whatever, but it is hard to get excited at the thought of an obese man all over your body….”

Wow right? Usually it’s the man you’ll hear complaining how his wife got fat and he’s no longer attracted to her and wants to divorce her because of her weight. The truth is, if a person can get over the mental hurdle they can have sex with anybody regardless of what the person looks like, and they can enjoy the sex as well. What’s the objective of sex? You’re either doing it purely for the orgasm or you’re doing it to share an intimate experience with the person you love. Either way sexual pleasure is not contingent upon how someone looks. Maybe looks matter as far as making you hot for the person but that’s entirely physical and doesn’t guarantee you a good time in bed any more than you’re assured of having a bad time in bed if your lover is overweight. When you love someone you can easily look past their physical imperfections, even if the imperfection comes in the form of blubber.

I like me a hunky looking man as much as the next woman but I want to think I would still be able to have sex with my husband if he gained a hundred pounds. I would prefer him to be in shape of course but I always try to treat people the way I would want them to treat me and I wouldn’t want my husband to reject me and find me ugly and disgusting if I gained more weight than he would like me to have on, so I would strive not to reject him or find him ugly and disgusting if he gained more weight than I would like him to have on. I think that’s the care and consideration part of marriage that’s missing for too many couples.

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I love my husband but he's fat and gross and I don't want to have sex with him, 2.2 out of 10 based on 30 ratings
0 23 10905 25 October, 2010 Marriage Social October 25, 2010

About the author

Hi, though my real name is not Soliel, it is the name I have chosen to represent myself here. I am a freelance writing wife and mother who is in no way an expert in the subject of love and marriage. My posts, particularly any posts that appear to be giving advise or providing answers to questions, should be regarded as an expression of my personal opinion on the subject of discussion. Nothing I write is meant to be presented as if coming from an expert source. I have no professional qualifications or specialized knowledge in marriage and relationship fields of study. I am not a marriage counselor nor do I have any background in counseling. I present my thoughts much in the same light as a mother, sister or friend might. I only hope to help contribute to the ongoing conversation about love and marriage relationships and what makes them succeed or fail. If you disagree with something I write you are welcome to share your thoughts by leaving a comment. I do get to approve or disapprove my comments so please keep in mind that comments intended to offend are not likely to be approved. If anything I write offends anyone I do offer my sincere apology.

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  1. Gwen

    You want women to love their fat husband the way he is but you insist on women losing weight when it’s the husband complaining that his wife is fat. I don’t get that. How come in your posts where men are complaining about their wife being fat you don’t say a husband should look past his wife’s extra weight if he loves her?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 41 Thumb down 4

  2. Liz

    I love my husband but it is very uncomfortable, I cannot breathe and it is distracting trying to get a position which is almost impossible.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 26 Thumb down 0

  3. piper

    It is had to enjoy sex with a big fat gut flopping all over you! Total turnoff. I work at not being too over weight.. hubby s to lazy or selfish to give me the same consideration…My husband looks like he is pregnant with twins!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 44 Thumb down 3

  4. Ariane

    I have an extremely obese husband who looks like
    he’s having triplets, it just totally repulses me –
    he eats so much junk food and I think he lies to his
    doctor saying I dont make meals etc. I just cant
    stand the sight of him I really feel for women out there
    with this problem too. Incidentally he loves saying
    I’m fat but thats his bullying.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 1

  5. kw

    I totally disagree with this being a mental thing for me to get over, my husband got fat (gained over 100lbs) after we got married and now his belly gets in the way of me having an orgasm in missionary position. Also its unattractive to look at, when he’s on top, he’s crushing me he’s so heavy….and last but NOT least, I swear he doesn’t get nearly as hard now that he’s a big blubber fat guy. He also cannnot hold the erection long and has to work really hard to get through sex. When he was in shape, he got really hard and could go for an hour….I think there must be a connection between obesity and erection!
    PS I lost the baby weight after 2 babies and weigh 5lbs less than before the kids!!! SUCKS :(

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 35 Thumb down 4

    1. dee

      A married man I love dearly recently had sex with me for the first time.
      It didn’t work for me as he is overweight and this put me off totally.
      He knows he is too fat and is already on a diet.
      But how long will it take him to lose a stone? And not by a crash diet.
      He is 70, I think it’s harder at that age.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 4

  6. melody

    People who accuse women of being superficial, unaccepting, of “using sex as a weapon,” and so on, for having this issue, have not been in the same position.

    My husband is my best friend and I’d be lost without him. We do have sex about once/week but it takes me a lot of mental pep-talking to get into it with him, because he’s let himself go. I’m perfectly happy with our current lifestyle, companionship, and frequency of sex as-is, and I’m willing to “take one for the team” once a week to be intimate with him. I don’t really mind that he’s overweight; I love him. If he were happy with it too, that would be fine! But when he gets upset with me that sex is not more frequent, I don’t want to hurt him, so instead I give him every explanation in the world other than telling him that his appearance has become a turn-off for me.

    He makes almost no effort to get back in shape, and eats sweets and garbage food without a second thought (even though I’ve begged him to cut down on the junk food, I always cook dinner and make him lunch, but he just brings extra cokes and cookies to work to compensate).

    Last night I felt more pressure than normal for an explanation so I finally was honest with him — I was as gentle as I could be about it, but he was still hurt and angry and accused me of not loving him and being superficial about our relationship. I feel like it’s easy for him to say that because I’m active and in shape and he doesn’t have to talk himself into being intimate with me, so he can’t see things from my perspective.

    Is there no acceptable, compassionate way for women (or men in a similar situation) to address this issue? :(

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 39 Thumb down 0

    1. Corrina

      Melody…I feel your pain. I too couldn’t dance around the elephant in the room anymore, so I told him. I told him I loved him very much, that he is a great father, great husband but I am not physically attracted to him because of his large belly. He is 50lbs overweight and it is mostly in is stomach. He told me he never though he would ever hear those words from me & said I was vain. I sat back and mulled it over and over…am I vain? Am I vain because he has physically change since we got married 18+ years ago? I said I’m not looking for the 6pack abs, I want you to be healthy and be my partner for life. I asked him if it would be okay if I never lost the weigh after my pregnancies and he said nothing. Do I take that as yes that would be a problem for him, I think so?

      Yes he is mad at me, maybe embarssed that he thought I was fine with it all these years. I did everything to encourage him in the right direction. BTW I’m a health nut but not over the top and I was this way from the start. I do all the cooking so he must be sneaking it from somewhere?
      I will say this I finaly feel free now that he knows my true feelings.

      The truth is when you get married and you are both in shape I feel there is a certain respect to try and stay within that realm. I had 2 pregnancies, gained 40+ pounds and made sure I got back to a reasonable size. I’m not like I was when we first met but darn close. It’s not a vain to want to that and truthfully he knows that. He would not want me 30+ lbs heavier but it’s okay for me to accept him the way he has become, not a chance?



      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 2

    1. slimjim

      I didnt marry someone fat, he was as thin as me, and now he has tripled i size and i am still a size 10. I dont moan at him I stock the cupboards with healthy food, i work full time whilst he stays at home looking after our 3 year old who is now in school. I do feel like i am bein used, i feel like i am taken for granted, he is the least romantic person in the world. I know the grass is always greener but at the moment i really do believe it!!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

      1. Cindy

        I agree honey that there is no way that you should have to put up with having sex with your husband. What you should do instead is let one of the size 2 secretaries at work have sex with him!

        Then in a year or so, he will replace you with a girl that is 1/2 your age, and who doesnt nag and complain all the time.

        Believe me, I have been there! Husband #2 was FAT! I refused to give him any, and eventually he went away. I sure do miss his money.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 8

  7. Frustrated

    My husband used to be in shape until we got married. I don’t cook ALL the time but even when I do, he hardly touches it or just nibbles on my food and claims that he is not hungry whereas he can order 2 large pizzas plus a few extra stuff and eat the whole darn thing by himself. He must have gained around 50 pounds in just over a year. I can hardly make out his facial features anymore and his gut is the size of a huge pregnant woman.

    His unwillingness to move, workout, do anything is so unattractive to me. He is lazy and just wants to watch TV after work or sleep. His snoring has become so bad that I can’t sleep at night sometimes and I am totally convinced that it’s from the extra weight he put on. I paid for a 3 months gym membership for him a while back and he only went once.

    He always complains that he wants sex and that he’s not getting enough but I always come up with some excuse why I don’t want to have sex with him. I told him once very frankly that I am not finding him attractive anymore. He got pretty hurt and upset but he didn’t do anything about it. If anything, he gained more weight.

    I love my husband, but I want to feel attracted to him. I want to feel hot for him and I am sick of having these negative feelings. I am very frustrated and want good sex. Just not with him if he wants to keep on looking this way. Any advice?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 0

  8. Bernadette

    My husband has always been overweight. We’ve been married for 12 years and I have watched him yo-yo diet unsuccessfully many, many times. He is an addictive personality and food is his coping mechanism. I try so hard to be supportive, but our sex life is virtually non-existant because he is limited by his weight. This is a depressing situation, made worse by the fact that he recently went bankrupt, losing our company of 8 years. I feel very let down by his lack of will power to stop eating the wrong foods. I can’t control what he does when he’s not at home for meals and I am saddened by the example he is setting for our children. What to do? I love him and I work hard to accept the ‘defects’ in our relationship, but this issue weighs very heavily (pardon the pun) on my chest. I’m only 41 and I deserve satisfying intimacy.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

  9. sara jean the eating machine

    stay with your husband- no matter the flaws. on the side get some good dick- thats what i do. ive been married for 10 plus years- have sex affairs and he knows. dont compromise your sexuality

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 11

  10. A guy

    To “Melody”, “Frustrated” and others asking for advice: I used to be one of these men, not knowing what my wife really wanted, nor was I concerned about appearance or health. But I think there’s a few tips that women can effectively employ without hurting his feelings, the following tips were employed by my wife:

    – Although times are changing and that men are increasingly sexualized in media, many are “fearing” the metrosexual standards and don’t want the “gay” association to apply to them. If he’s one of them, prove that he’s wrong and don’t describe fit/metrosexual men in negative terms. He needs to understand that it’s ok to care about appearance, even if it’s just for looking better.

    – Try to spark his interest for sports and fitness. State you admiration to athletes during the olympics or another contest.

    – If he was thinner/fitter before, try to subtly remind him about it, for instance, you can have a look at old pictures in your photo album. My wife humorously made comments about “who’s that hunk” when looking at pictures with me.

    – Consider joining some activities together and get fit together. My wife didn’t do that, but it may work for others.

    – Have a talk about health and that you would like a long life with him and that a healthy life prolongs his life.

    Eventually he’ll recognize what you’re saying and he’ll be coming around and starting looking into things himself, then actually start. If he’s absolutely reluctant to do anything, you’d probably have to have a more direct conversation, but I don’t think most guys are that stubborn. If he’s thinking of it but acting unsure he may need a push in the right direction. In my case I was contemplating what my wife was trying to tell me but wasn’t really sure of how to proceed. She followed and bought me a gym membership, as well as some hours with a personal trainer.

    The next tips concern how to keep him motivated to continue after he finally came around and started:

    – Compliment his achievement about starting.

    – Give him some time of in the afternoons to go to the gym, help him to set time aside.

    – Help him with diet which is an important part of getting fit. In my case, wifey took care of purchases and dinner to help me not falling for the temptation to buying something unhealthy on weekdays.

    – Help him set some goals. This can be athletic goals in terms of sports, but to make it interesting for both of you, make a sexy challenge. We made a deal about a bet, and if I lost I had to strip for her and some of her girlfriends on a birthday party. Well, I lost the bet, so the goal is now perfect physique summer 2013. Somewhat tough goal, but it’s fun and light hearted and it’s effective at keeping me at track since I don’t want to not look good when the time comes. My wife deserves to see a husband that cane be “eye candy” for an hour or two.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 6

  11. Fran

    I appreciate all the comments. My husband is fat, but that is not my issue. He’s gross because he won’t brush his teeth and he stinks. I’ve said, “Okay, but let’s shower first.” He’s getting better about that but he breathes on me and I feel like I can’t breathe. I try to tell him what I like in the bedroom, but it’s like my words are falling on deaf ears. Do I just have to accept that I feel like a prostitute and it’s a chore I have to get through like cleaning out the garbage disposal? I think if he were nicer, my attitude would lighten, but his words are subtle and critical. I think, “If I’m so bad, why does he even want to be around me?” Then he wants to have sex. It says in the Bible that a spouse should always say yes, except for fasting and prayer, so I know it’s a duty I must follow. It’s just so gross and sometimes painful in my heart to have to give my body to an oger who pretends to want to satisfy me and all I hear is “suck my …”

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 2

    1. tiffany

      Yeah um Y does the woman have.to cook for her man in order to keep him healthy. I think that’s absurd and frankly a little sexist. The man can’t take care of himself as a confident sexy man he’s going to be a tub of lard and blame it on his wife. I know my husband was so sexy and we have only been married a month. I’m 7 months pregnant and he has gained 55lbs since May 4th 2013. He repulsed me and I keep telling him that he just doesn’t do it for me. I can’t use sex against him because he’s not big on sex. I know the feeling. I don’t want to look at other men but he’s giving me no choice. I’ve gotten as low as watching porn alone. He already has breathing problems and he doesn’t brush his teeth cause his gums are too sensitive so they bleed without warning . He wakes up with blood all over his teeth. He snores he’s fat and he says I love you every day and I just tell him I know. I don’t know if I’m wrong for this but I told him if he gets any bigger I can’t be with him. He still has no motivation. So I guess he doesn’t want to be with me I give him no motivation at all and he tells me that I’m the best woman he will ever be with but I can’t even be nice to him.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

  12. Tasha

    I been married 8 years to my husband but we’ve been together 13 years. When we first met in 2001 he weighed 200 pounds at 5’8 very sexy but now he has stopped counting his pounds. In my opinion my husband could be 350+. Our sex life sucks! He gets so tired and our of breathe that I think he’s goung to die. I’ve been begging him for over 4 years to please lose sone weight. He just give me that look and denies that he is very obesed and it is affecting the both of us. I’ve even volunteered to diet with him but he never falls thru with any diet. He is addicted to Church’s fried chicken, McDonald’s, Taco Bell, well hell any fast food joint in the nation. I am tired of his excuses to why he doesn’t want to lose any weight. It’s gotten so bad that he breathes very loud, he snores heavily, and he can bareky bend down to put on his shoes for work. Don’t get me wrong I love my husband but I’m just not attracted to him any more. I’ve begged him to please lose weight for health reasons, the kids, me, anything but he acts like the bad choice of food is more important to him. I’ve even thought about cheating on my husband, yes, finding a sexual partner to fulfill my sexual needs but I haven’t because I think that there is still hope that my husband may wake up one morning and say to himself that he will lose weight.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  13. Silla

    I’d say threaten to leave him. Sounds harsh but why stay together when you can’t stand to be around him. To me there is absolutely no excuse for a man to get fat apart from injury or disease. A woman carry extra fat after puberty, women gain weight during pregnancy and during menopause. Women are just naturally made to put in weight. Men on the other hand are suppose to gain muscle and they don’t carry baby weight, to me it’s shear inconsiderate laziness for a man to be freaking fat. They think women should like them because of the stereotype that women are more about personality. No. Women want someone slim trim and sexy too. These guys need to pull their heads out of their rear ends. Especially when they’re fat and also have a nasty personality. I see and hear no much double standard bs in our society where ugly/short/fat men think they deserve a hot girlfriend but shame women who are fat.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  14. Lisa

    I am so glad I found this site! I often feel like such a bad wife for not wanting to do anything with my husband. When we first met he was very fit, had muscles, worked out, etc. We never had issues in the bedroom. Once we had our first child, he started to put on some weight. Now I know I am no spring chicken and I do not look like I did in my 20’s but I have not let myself go either. I work so I am dressed everyday and my hair is done and I wear make-up. I try my best to always look good. He on the other hand has completely let himself go. He drinks beer every single night which I know is a big factor in the weight gain, he eats all bad stuff and he just doesn’t care anymore. He never brushes his teeth and he smells, he showers in the morning but by the night, he stinks again and it is such a turn off. His belly is now starting to interfere when we do do stuff and it’s so frustrating. He never shaves or cuts his hair so he pretty much looks like a bum. I have cheated on him but I have never done the deed with anyone else and don’t know if I could ever do that. Last night we did it and I felt so gross afterwards because his breath stunk, he smelled and he was sweaty. I literally had to wash after. I feel so awful for feeling like this but I can’t force myself to do things I don’t want to. I don’t know how to tell him what I feel. I have hinted at it several times though but he still doesn’t do anything about it. HELP!!!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2


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