I came across a post on loveshack.org where a woman was writing in to ask people’s opinion on whether or not she’s obligated to have sex with her overweight husband. She explained how her husband used to be in shape but has now become gross to her. Apparently he started getting fat around the time she got pregnant. She doesn’t indicate if this was intentional. Some men try to make their wives feel better about gaining pregnancy weight by intentionally gaining weight themselves during the wife’s pregnancy. Whether it was intentional or not this woman’s husband put on some 50 extra pounds according to her complaint and he never lost it even after she lost hers. She was disgusted and frustrated and wanted to know if she should feel bound by duty to have sex with a fat husband. She wrote:
Loveshack.org – “…He is a good 50 lbs overweight, and it is hideous to me…. I am just really frustrated because I feel like we no longer have any intimacy. I still want sex, just usually not from him. Call me shallow, whatever, but it is hard to get excited at the thought of an obese man all over your body….”
Wow right? Usually it’s the man you’ll hear complaining how his wife got fat and he’s no longer attracted to her and wants to divorce her because of her weight. The truth is, if a person can get over the mental hurdle they can have sex with anybody regardless of what the person looks like, and they can enjoy the sex as well. What’s the objective of sex? You’re either doing it purely for the orgasm or you’re doing it to share an intimate experience with the person you love. Either way sexual pleasure is not contingent upon how someone looks. Maybe looks matter as far as making you hot for the person but that’s entirely physical and doesn’t guarantee you a good time in bed any more than you’re assured of having a bad time in bed if your lover is overweight. When you love someone you can easily look past their physical imperfections, even if the imperfection comes in the form of blubber.
I like me a hunky looking man as much as the next woman but I want to think I would still be able to have sex with my husband if he gained a hundred pounds. I would prefer him to be in shape of course but I always try to treat people the way I would want them to treat me and I wouldn’t want my husband to reject me and find me ugly and disgusting if I gained more weight than he would like me to have on, so I would strive not to reject him or find him ugly and disgusting if he gained more weight than I would like him to have on. I think that’s the care and consideration part of marriage that’s missing for too many couples.
I love my husband but he's fat and gross and I don't want to have sex with him,
Close your eyes and think of your country, ladies!
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You want women to love their fat husband the way he is but you insist on women losing weight when it’s the husband complaining that his wife is fat. I don’t get that. How come in your posts where men are complaining about their wife being fat you don’t say a husband should look past his wife’s extra weight if he loves her?
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I love my husband but it is very uncomfortable, I cannot breathe and it is distracting trying to get a position which is almost impossible.
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It is had to enjoy sex with a big fat gut flopping all over you! Total turnoff. I work at not being too over weight.. hubby s to lazy or selfish to give me the same consideration…My husband looks like he is pregnant with twins!
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sigh… modern western society. too much time, too much money and too much junk food avail
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Fat men ARE indeed not Fat, However, Fat women are indeed Fat.
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I have an extremely obese husband who looks like
he’s having triplets, it just totally repulses me –
he eats so much junk food and I think he lies to his
doctor saying I dont make meals etc. I just cant
stand the sight of him I really feel for women out there
with this problem too. Incidentally he loves saying
I’m fat but thats his bullying.
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I totally disagree with this being a mental thing for me to get over, my husband got fat (gained over 100lbs) after we got married and now his belly gets in the way of me having an orgasm in missionary position. Also its unattractive to look at, when he’s on top, he’s crushing me he’s so heavy….and last but NOT least, I swear he doesn’t get nearly as hard now that he’s a big blubber fat guy. He also cannnot hold the erection long and has to work really hard to get through sex. When he was in shape, he got really hard and could go for an hour….I think there must be a connection between obesity and erection!
PS I lost the baby weight after 2 babies and weigh 5lbs less than before the kids!!! SUCKS
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People who accuse women of being superficial, unaccepting, of “using sex as a weapon,” and so on, for having this issue, have not been in the same position.
My husband is my best friend and I’d be lost without him. We do have sex about once/week but it takes me a lot of mental pep-talking to get into it with him, because he’s let himself go. I’m perfectly happy with our current lifestyle, companionship, and frequency of sex as-is, and I’m willing to “take one for the team” once a week to be intimate with him. I don’t really mind that he’s overweight; I love him. If he were happy with it too, that would be fine! But when he gets upset with me that sex is not more frequent, I don’t want to hurt him, so instead I give him every explanation in the world other than telling him that his appearance has become a turn-off for me.
He makes almost no effort to get back in shape, and eats sweets and garbage food without a second thought (even though I’ve begged him to cut down on the junk food, I always cook dinner and make him lunch, but he just brings extra cokes and cookies to work to compensate).
Last night I felt more pressure than normal for an explanation so I finally was honest with him — I was as gentle as I could be about it, but he was still hurt and angry and accused me of not loving him and being superficial about our relationship. I feel like it’s easy for him to say that because I’m active and in shape and he doesn’t have to talk himself into being intimate with me, so he can’t see things from my perspective.
Is there no acceptable, compassionate way for women (or men in a similar situation) to address this issue?
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WAKE UP PEOPLE, WHETHER YOU ARE A MAN OR A WOMAN & YOU WERE FIT BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED, THERE IS AN EXPECTATION YOU STAY SOMEWHERE IN THAT RANGE.
IF YOU MARRIED A PERSON WHO WAS OVERWEIGHT AT THE START, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO EXPECT THEM TO BECOME FIT AND TRIM.
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Don’t marry someone fat. Now your stuck with him.
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My husband used to be in shape until we got married. I don’t cook ALL the time but even when I do, he hardly touches it or just nibbles on my food and claims that he is not hungry whereas he can order 2 large pizzas plus a few extra stuff and eat the whole darn thing by himself. He must have gained around 50 pounds in just over a year. I can hardly make out his facial features anymore and his gut is the size of a huge pregnant woman.
His unwillingness to move, workout, do anything is so unattractive to me. He is lazy and just wants to watch TV after work or sleep. His snoring has become so bad that I can’t sleep at night sometimes and I am totally convinced that it’s from the extra weight he put on. I paid for a 3 months gym membership for him a while back and he only went once.
He always complains that he wants sex and that he’s not getting enough but I always come up with some excuse why I don’t want to have sex with him. I told him once very frankly that I am not finding him attractive anymore. He got pretty hurt and upset but he didn’t do anything about it. If anything, he gained more weight.
I love my husband, but I want to feel attracted to him. I want to feel hot for him and I am sick of having these negative feelings. I am very frustrated and want good sex. Just not with him if he wants to keep on looking this way. Any advice?
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My husband has always been overweight. We’ve been married for 12 years and I have watched him yo-yo diet unsuccessfully many, many times. He is an addictive personality and food is his coping mechanism. I try so hard to be supportive, but our sex life is virtually non-existant because he is limited by his weight. This is a depressing situation, made worse by the fact that he recently went bankrupt, losing our company of 8 years. I feel very let down by his lack of will power to stop eating the wrong foods. I can’t control what he does when he’s not at home for meals and I am saddened by the example he is setting for our children. What to do? I love him and I work hard to accept the ‘defects’ in our relationship, but this issue weighs very heavily (pardon the pun) on my chest. I’m only 41 and I deserve satisfying intimacy.
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stay with your husband- no matter the flaws. on the side get some good dick- thats what i do. ive been married for 10 plus years- have sex affairs and he knows. dont compromise your sexuality
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To “Melody”, “Frustrated” and others asking for advice: I used to be one of these men, not knowing what my wife really wanted, nor was I concerned about appearance or health. But I think there’s a few tips that women can effectively employ without hurting his feelings, the following tips were employed by my wife:
- Although times are changing and that men are increasingly sexualized in media, many are “fearing” the metrosexual standards and don’t want the “gay” association to apply to them. If he’s one of them, prove that he’s wrong and don’t describe fit/metrosexual men in negative terms. He needs to understand that it’s ok to care about appearance, even if it’s just for looking better.
- Try to spark his interest for sports and fitness. State you admiration to athletes during the olympics or another contest.
- If he was thinner/fitter before, try to subtly remind him about it, for instance, you can have a look at old pictures in your photo album. My wife humorously made comments about “who’s that hunk” when looking at pictures with me.
- Consider joining some activities together and get fit together. My wife didn’t do that, but it may work for others.
- Have a talk about health and that you would like a long life with him and that a healthy life prolongs his life.
Eventually he’ll recognize what you’re saying and he’ll be coming around and starting looking into things himself, then actually start. If he’s absolutely reluctant to do anything, you’d probably have to have a more direct conversation, but I don’t think most guys are that stubborn. If he’s thinking of it but acting unsure he may need a push in the right direction. In my case I was contemplating what my wife was trying to tell me but wasn’t really sure of how to proceed. She followed and bought me a gym membership, as well as some hours with a personal trainer.
The next tips concern how to keep him motivated to continue after he finally came around and started:
- Compliment his achievement about starting.
- Give him some time of in the afternoons to go to the gym, help him to set time aside.
- Help him with diet which is an important part of getting fit. In my case, wifey took care of purchases and dinner to help me not falling for the temptation to buying something unhealthy on weekdays.
- Help him set some goals. This can be athletic goals in terms of sports, but to make it interesting for both of you, make a sexy challenge. We made a deal about a bet, and if I lost I had to strip for her and some of her girlfriends on a birthday party. Well, I lost the bet, so the goal is now perfect physique summer 2013. Somewhat tough goal, but it’s fun and light hearted and it’s effective at keeping me at track since I don’t want to not look good when the time comes. My wife deserves to see a husband that cane be “eye candy” for an hour or two.
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I appreciate all the comments. My husband is fat, but that is not my issue. He’s gross because he won’t brush his teeth and he stinks. I’ve said, “Okay, but let’s shower first.” He’s getting better about that but he breathes on me and I feel like I can’t breathe. I try to tell him what I like in the bedroom, but it’s like my words are falling on deaf ears. Do I just have to accept that I feel like a prostitute and it’s a chore I have to get through like cleaning out the garbage disposal? I think if he were nicer, my attitude would lighten, but his words are subtle and critical. I think, “If I’m so bad, why does he even want to be around me?” Then he wants to have sex. It says in the Bible that a spouse should always say yes, except for fasting and prayer, so I know it’s a duty I must follow. It’s just so gross and sometimes painful in my heart to have to give my body to an oger who pretends to want to satisfy me and all I hear is “suck my …”
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