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If your husband wants to watch you have sex with another man but you’re not comfortable with the idea don’t do it

It’s probably normal for your husband to have a fantasy to watch you have sex with another man. If not normal it’s certainly not uncommon. A quick Google search and you’ll soon find that you aren’t the only wife with a husband wanting to watch you have sex with another man; but here’s the thing, just because we fantasize about something doesn’t mean we need to push to have the thing we fantasize about happen. That’s the thing about fantasies. They are fantasies because of the unlikelihood and impracticality of them becoming reality. If you happen to share this particular fantasy of your husband’s then hey, you’re both adults and what you do in the privacy of your own home is your business. However, if what your husband is asking you to do is something you don’t want to do, don’t compromise yourself to make him happy. He’s not asking you to role play and dress up as a dominatrix and whip him for being a bad boy, or play the role of a submissive while he dominates you and punishes you for being a bad girl. He’s asking you to have sex with someone else so that he can fulfill his fantasy of watching while another man makes love to his wife. It’s okay for him to have this fantasy, but it’s not okay for him to pressure you to make it happen. If you don’t want to have sex with another man make this clear to your husband. It’s his responsibility to accept your feelings in the matter and let it go. This is not a time when you should compromise for the sake of him having his kinky pleasure. You should not let another man make love to you while your husband watches unless this is something you want.

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0 14 19719 11 November, 2010 Marriage Minute November 11, 2010

About the author

Hi, though my real name is not Soliel, it is the name I have chosen to represent myself here. I am a freelance writing wife and mother who is in no way an expert in the subject of love and marriage. My posts, particularly any posts that appear to be giving advise or providing answers to questions, should be regarded as an expression of my personal opinion on the subject of discussion. Nothing I write is meant to be presented as if coming from an expert source. I have no professional qualifications or specialized knowledge in marriage and relationship fields of study. I am not a marriage counselor nor do I have any background in counseling. I present my thoughts much in the same light as a mother, sister or friend might. I only hope to help contribute to the ongoing conversation about love and marriage relationships and what makes them succeed or fail. If you disagree with something I write you are welcome to share your thoughts by leaving a comment. I do get to approve or disapprove my comments so please keep in mind that comments intended to offend are not likely to be approved. If anything I write offends anyone I do offer my sincere apology.

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  1. Pascale

    There is a very simple primal answer to why many men enjoy the idea of seeing their partner with others. Sperm Competition Syndrome. All men are born with it.

    Before the church and modern morals females were free to mate with as many males as they cared to. It was good for the species, whether the female’s mate liked it or not.

    According to the former editor of Penthouse Forum, the number one story, desire and fantasy that flooded their mailboxes was the desire on the part of men to see their wives or girlfriends with another man. It’s very common, yet such a taboo that few will admit to having the fantasy.

    The reason it turns on so many millions and theoretically billions of men around the world is quite simple and biological. Sperm competition syndrome is triggered when a man or other primate sees his partner with another man, is told of it, or just suspects it. It can even occur when he is absent from her for the briefest period of time.

    If sperm competition syndrome has been triggered, the man will have an orgasm 3 times stronger than usual, his pelvic thrusts will be 3 times as hard when he next has sex with his partner. And he will want to immediately. There’s one simple explanation for this: he wants to make sure the baby is his.

    This desire has nothing to do with a man’s masculinity, sexuality or psychology. It is primal, plain and simple. It’s also a very powerful fantasy that once triggered is very difficult to suppress, as it is biological and not psychological. I’ve heard many men say it was like a light switch going on that couldn’t be turned off ever again.

    Many men are fine with keeping this fantasy to themselves, but most will find themselves eventually asking their wives to explore the fantasy. And far too many of them are consumed with self loathing, for they genuinely love their wives and cannot understand why the idea of seeing them with another man would turn them on. The sooner they understand the origin of that the less angst they need to endure over what many see as a dark and dangerous desire. The best advice I ever heard from a therapist who also happened to be a renowned marriage counselor upon voicing these fears was “why don’t you just relax and enjoy it.”

    A search of the subject on any tube site will bring thousands of results of home videos going back to the stone age of VHS. You will see the girl next door, or more often the mother or grandmother next door generally having a pretty good time indulging in their partners’ fantasies.

  2. Maria

    My husband approached me years ago with this idea. At first I was very not into it. I thought that it was just a fantasy of his, but as time went on he kept on bringing it up. To sum things up I finally did it and I can truly say that in some strange way it has brought us the best sex ever. He gets off when I come home and tell him all about it. We then go on to make wild passionate love. It has spiced up our sex lives so much that I now realize what I was missing out on prior to this .
    I can see why this may not seem normal to lot’s of people,but if both partners agree on it and can deal with any emotions that may arise and agree on certain do’s and don’ts, then it is better than having one partner cheating on the other.

    1. Jake


      I think it’s especially important hearing from women on this particular issue, paricularly married ones who have actually tried having sex with other men and have discovered the marital benefits. In any case, I wish you could sit down with my hot sexy wife and explain to her exactly what you described in your post.

  3. Open4fun

    I absolutely agree with Maria. My wife was hesitant at first and it took many months for her to eventually commit to it. We aalready had a great sex life and somehow this has made it even better.

    For her first time, I dropped her off at a bar to meet they guy she had been communicating with, and yes, we had checked him out. I got a text from her that they were leaving to get some beer and head to his house. Short time later, I got a text saying that they were at his house and having some drinks. I was incredibly aroused at this point knowing that my wife was very comfortable with him and being at his house with the inevitable about to happen. Around 3 hours later, I get a text that she was either going to get a cab home, due to both of them being worn out through multiple orgasms by both of them. I was so turned on that I had to take care of myself at that point.

    When she got home, we were laying in bed and she was telling me about her night and what they did together, which got me incredibly aroused again.

    She has three different guys that she plays with on at least a monthly basis now and we continue to have an incredible sex life. We have an occasional threesome or I just sit back and watch. I love it and highly recommend it. For us it’s a win win situation.

  4. MakesMarriageExcitingAgain

    We shared something similar to the other posts on this blog. We fantasized about it for a decade. To test the waters, my wife even lied to me and said that she did it just to see how I would react. To make sure that I would be OK with it even months later, she let me believe that she did it for about 6 months. She finally started slowly this year. Her first rhondeveu was with a good friend of 20+ years – they kissed and made out. Her second was on a friend’s boat with me right there. He had been in a polyamourous relationship for a decade and helped me get my wife into it. I told her that I would love to see them have sex so she removed her shirt and let him play with and suck on her breasts. Our third event was very spontaneous. I life-long friend of hers called me and said that he wanted to visit us. I told him that I was working out of town and couldn’t be there the first night and he said he could wait a day before leaving. I told him that she would be disappointed if he waited and that I was fine with him spending the night at our house before I got there. He later cancelled because of work. I called him the next day and asked him if it would work if they could meet at a hotel somewhere between his place and ours. Again, he questioned being able to spend the night alone with my wife; particularly at a hotel. At first I told him that I promised her a night alone with him because she thought that I would grab all the attention. Then I told him that she wanted him to see her breasts and I asked him not to reject her if she did so. He agreed. I finally told him that she and I discussed her feelings for him and that I was fine with anything that the two of them wanted to do.

    When they arrived at the hotel, they called me on Skype and I got to see the two of them together. He rented a room with a single king-sized bed and the two of them were sitting on the edge of it while they talked to me. My wife flashed me a few times as she sat next to him so I asked her to turn toward him and do the same thing. Eventualy she got undressed in front of him and they started kissing and making out. They spent the night together, made love, and she called me before she started the 3 hour drive back home. I was either on the phone with her or with him getting detailed descriptions of their evening until she made it home.

    I was so excited by all of this that I rushed out to greet her with a passionate kiss. We went inside the house and made love immediately. He left plenty of evidence behind and the sex was awesome. We met again one month later and spent the night at his place. The two of them spent the night together in bed and I joined them in the morning. This was our first threesome and the sex was better than anything that we ever experienced in the past.
    The tables have turned and now it’s my wife who wants to do bring this up more than I do. It’s something that we both want and really enjoy. Our marriage has always been passionate and the two of us are very secure with our relationship. I think that is the only way polyamory can ever work.

  5. upset wife

    I’m upset in this whole proposal because I could never in a million years let him have sex with another female I love him too much and I value our marriage too much but he wants to watch me with another man very bad he told me before him and his ex did thiskind odthingbut only because he didn’t love her and now he wants me to do it what does that say.for me I’ve already agreed unfortunately and he’s not a very understanding person. So I guess I’m just stuck doing it

    1. Rob

      Take one for the team. I want my wife to have sex with another guy and her reaction is the same. I have no desire to be with another woman and won’t. I’m programmed this way, she knew I had this side when we married. I just kept it suppressed.

  6. Thomas

    Im also discussing this topic with my wife of 15 yrs. I have no desire to be with another woman, I just want to watch another man give her pleasure.
    My wife and I dated for almost 5yrs and we broke it off for almost 3yrs when I took an overseas work assignment. During that time, she dated a lot of guys. When I returned home we started dating again. When we talked about our time apart, I found her dating stories very erotic. This is a way for us to make more of those stories and I’m hoping she’ll do it

  7. Trish

    My husband asked the same thing after about 16 years being married. I thought he didn’t want me anymore. I thought he must want another woman that’s why he was telling me this.

    After a ton of research I found out that this is way more common than society admits too.

    It took allot of research to understand why he would ever want something like this. But after all my digging I found out just the opposite of what I was worried about.

    Once I understood why he wanted it I agreed to give it a try.

    Our lives have never been the same. It has saved our marriage sexually. We have sex way more often than we did before all this took place. He treats me better because he know’s he has competition. I have more confidence in myself now because I see that men other than my husband still find me to be attractive. I know how much he adores me. I know of much he loves me.

    It has helped my self esteem tremendously. I wouldn’t change a thing.

    We don’t fight nearly as aggressive as we once did. The sex is absolutely amazing now. It is electric almost. We don’t have sex. We really just make love. I save the just “sex” for my boyfriends.

    If you are a wife considering this keep this in mind.

    If your husband is a good man. If he doesn’t beat you. If he doesn’t cheat on you. If he isn’t mentally abusive. Then I recommend looking into this at least. If he is any of those unsavory things I listed don’t do it.

    But if he is a good man than it is worth trying to understand him.

    Try to understand the kink. It’s probably not what you thought.

    1. Patricia

      So you are saying if he’s a good man and does not beat,Cheat, or mentally abuse u do not do it. Then you say if he is a good man it is worth trying to understand …??
      What if your husband has cheated and your working on your marriage and he’s asking you to do this should you?.

  8. bob and terri

    Me and my wife did try this once before but i backed out, It was with her x boyfriend. Then I backed out on doing it in a bar where she liked this one guy. See the thing is that I trust her!!! How do I tell her that ? I even didcussed this with her mom once. I would trust terri with some other guy because I know she would come back to me. The thing is I am enbarest to tell her that not afrade!! I love when she does Tantra on me!! Recently I did what I was tolk and made up a fantisy about her at the gym that really worked but I am afrade to think about it during sex. And yes I did see swing 34 on playboy. it was good. Also yes i would let her do her x because i trust her.

  9. bob and terri

    well you wanted the facts i stated to her mom. She asked me If I would be mad if she hooked terri up with some other guy i would be happy for her.

  10. Terry Wilson

    It is so good to finally find out why I have the same desire as the rest of you all, I was beginning to think I was the freak that most of the plastic people out there say you mus from her.t be to feel that way. What I find to be more true, is that they who shame it, are doing it themselves in the “closet” sorta of. Afraid to come out into the light. I started having the fantasy around age 20, but yet was comsumed by jelousy if I found out that my GF had sex with another man, I slowly began to realize that what upset/hurt me was not the act, but the deception that came with them not being honest with me, even when they knew I was aware of the whole thing. I finally met a woman who was open and honest about her feelings and disires. When that happened, a great burden was lifted off my mind. She told me and showed me that I was not a freak or perv, but a real man who just had to feel able to express my feelings and disires with no fear of humilation from Her. She opened a whole new world for me! If you both are open and honest, it is the best thing that may ever happen to you both. ladies, Please listen to your man and understand that most don’t know themselves whylove each it is so exciting to them, it just is. You both will become more close and love, trust each other more than when you hid it from each other. We are told by by lying prudes that it is wrong. It is nature, after all we are just animals at heart and that is a fact. You cannot change biology!


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