I’m just wondering if there are other men out there that do this because my husband does this and I don’t know how I should feel about it. I’ll wake up and find him having sex with me or maybe I should say having sex with my body since I think for him to be having sex “with me” I would need to be awake. Should I feel like I’m being used like a blowup sex doll or is this normal and acceptable behavior? Submitted by guest
Sex with sleeping wife
Based on a comment left below I have decided to expand this topic that was started by a guest poster with a story from my own experience. The comment in question appealed for the point of view of a woman who has some experience with the issue given that the majority of the comments below are from men.
My first experience with this happened before I married my husband. I had gone to live with him in his country. We had not yet been sexually intimate as we’d agreed when our relationship first started that we would wait until we were married. It had been about 4.5 years we’d been together by the time I went to live with my husband. I had already figured we would end up having sex before getting married but I didn’t expect it to be initiated the way my husband initiated it the very first night of my arrival. In the middle of sleeping I started to have a very erotic dream. It was so intense that my body had become aroused in reality to the point where it woke me up and I discovered this man, not yet my husband, was having sex with me. My body and my mind were not in sync as far as how they felt about it. My body was in a state of arousal but to my mind I was quite shocked and disturbed by the discovery. I felt I had been violated in the worst way imaginable regardless how my body felt. You can arouse someone’s body while their mind remains aware that what is going on isn’t right. Many a young girl is violated this way every day.
I didn’t make a big deal about it after and I don’t think I’ve ever made a big deal about it on any of the occasions that my husband has done it throughout our marriage; but I am never comfortable with knowing that while I’m sleeping my husband starts sexual intercourse with me. There have been times I have awoken aroused but that has never removed the feelings of discomfort even if I have participated in the sex after being awoken aroused.
I have never thought it was my husbands intention to violate me; but knowing it’s not his intention doesn’t mean you don’t still feel violated. I know sometimes he wants sex and I just want to sleep so I do sometimes tell him it’s okay if I’m sleeping and he does it–not that it’s generally okay but that it’s okay on that specific occasion; but unless I give him permission I don’t think it’s something he should be doing especially if he’s doing it with the intention that I will sleep through it and not know about it. It doesn’t matter if I wake up in the middle of it on the verge of the most explosive orgasm in history; if the intention was to have sex with my body and for me to stay sleeping through it and therefore be completely unaware unless in the morning I sense my body had been used, this is absolutely not okay unless I have previously indicated that I don’t mind and you can do this to me any time you like.
Everybody is different and boundaries need to be respected. Just because one man’s wife might have no problem with it doesn’t mean your wife is being unreasonable for having a problem with it. If your wife doesn’t mind then she doesn’t mind. If she does mind, then please don’t write her off as being a bitch for it.
In my husband’s case, except for that night–the first night of my brief time living with him in his country 18 years ago–I’ve never believed it was his intention to use my body and for me to sleep through it. He wanted sex. I was sleeping. He felt it was okay to go ahead and have sex with me anyway. He’s my husband. I’m his wife. It’s not like he found himself sleeping next to a woman that he’s not involved with and he decided to steal sex from her while she was sleeping. He would understand that would be rape; but when it’s his wife, his sex partner, he considers it okay to do this. In a way I can’t fault him for thinking it should be okay; but at the end of the day, a person’s body belongs only to herself or himself.
If you particularly like to have sex with your wife while she’s sleeping but she has a problem with it and finds it creepy, talk to her about it. Explain to her why you like having sex with her while she’s sleeping. Help her understand it because right now she finds it creepy and if you keep doing it you’re putting your marriage at risk because she isn’t going to be comfortable with you. She’s going to think she’s married to a creep. She’s going to feel like you’re violating her in the worst way and you don’t care that you are violating because you keep doing it even though she complains. That makes it even creepier and sends out other damaging messages about how little you love her and how little you respect her.