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I think my husband has a crush on his female boss

My husband, 47, recently retained a position as a bartender at a nice restaurant/bar. My problem is, is that he is always talking about his female boss, a drop-dead gorgeous woman in her mid-thirties that all the men in the bar hit on constantly. A few days ago, I found out he took her on a boat ride around the local lake after she had served him lunch at her condo, all alone except for her 2 year old child who was taking a nap at the time. I only found out about it by accident, by friends who live at the lake. I have always trusted my husband and never worried about him, even though he would get home sometimes as late as 4:30 in the morning due to the bar hours. This, however, has gotten me paranoid. We have only been married about a year and I make every effort to be the best wife I can be. I know my husband loves me, but I’m worried that he might be developing a crush on this woman, maybe due not just to her beauty but possibly due to his own mid-life crises and the desire to have the attentions of a younger and more beautiful woman; the thought, however, breaks my heart. I was honest with him and told him the thought of him boating alone around the lake with her sitting beside him half naked in a bikini makes me very uncomfortable and I’d really rather he not do that again. He said he wouldn’t, but accused me of being insecure and paranoid. Am I being ridiculous about the whole thing?

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Editor's Response

A boat ride around the local lake does not exactly sound like your typical harmless outing between a man and a woman. It would be interesting to know what your husband’s explanation was as to why he was alone on a boat excursion with his hot female boss and her 2 year old child. If it wasn’t business related then it’s impossible to justify it as harmless time spent between friends. This is not the usual way friends pass time; and any argument that it was business related should be met with the obvious questions of why it was just the two of them, why her child was present at the business meeting, and why the meeting was conducted while circling a boat on a lake with her in a bikini.

It’s not a matter of you being an insecure person if you feel threatened by your husband’s apparent fascination with his boss. When he comes home and talks about her, how beautiful she is, how everyone at the bar is always hitting on her, he is elevating her and in the process deprecating you whether his intentions are to make you feel smaller or not. It’s not that you don’t know there are many women in the world younger and more beautiful than you are; but you don’t spend every day of your life thinking about it and making yourself feel older and uglier with each thought. Your husband coming home singing the praises of this woman will naturally make you more conscious of everything that you are not, unless you happen to be a supremely confident woman who never feels threatened or is never made self conscious by observing or hearing about the beauty of other women. Most of us are not that secure.

The security/insecurity argument is not just a matter of being vain and not being able to deal with knowing someone is younger and more beautiful than you. It’s also about being secure in your relationship; and in both aspects your husband’s actions directly affect your ability to feel secure. It’s clueless and insensitive to think its okay to come home and constantly talk about your hot young boss. Then to take the woman on a boat ride and keep it secret; then when your wife finds out about it dismiss her concerns as being paranoid, insecure and ridiculous, that’s not a husband who is looking to protect his wife and see to it that she never has doubt of his love and of his commitment to her. If your husband is having an affair or desiring to have an affair, it unfortunately does not sound as if you are going to be factored into the equation until he either needs a divorce or your forgiveness. A boat ride is a pretty determined move. They don’t take us on boat rides unless they are seriously trying to impress, and they don’t try that hard to impress unless they want  it really badly or have just started getting it and are still in the throes of all the physical excitement. I know that’s not what you want to hear and really, it could all be innocent; but then, why didn’t he invite you along or at least tell you he was going to take her and her kid for a ride on a boat for whatever convoluted reason, or tell you about it after he had done it?

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Disclaimer: Editor's Response answers should not be taken for expert advice. The person behind the Editor's Response is not a relationship expert but just a regular member of the general public and all Editor's Response answers should be considered in the same light as an opinion given by a random individual on the street. Some Marriage questions are manufactured by Marriage Scene writers based on Internet research.
0 1 2122 23 July, 2011 Marriage Answers July 23, 2011

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1 comment

  1. Julie

    Thank you for the time you took to respond. Your answer was pretty much right in line with the few other people I ran this situation by, with your additional point that he should “see to it that she never has doubt of his love and of his commitment to her.” That’s right! He should be protecting our marriage and not be initiating or allowing any situations that might endanger it. Thanks for validating my concerns; it helps me to not second guess myself when I have to draw the line and say, “no, that’s not okay.” Hopefully, we’ll be able to weather this storm. Thanks, again.


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