On so many levels, I hate my wife, but I’ve been stupid enough for nearly 20 years to put myself through this miserable relationship. I am genearally a happy person with an adventurous spirit, but when I’m with her, that is quickly crushed and I feel trapped. Whenever I’m with other people (and away from her) I feel liberated and that I can actually be myself.
She tries to be very controlling and is very judgemental, bitter, argumentative, etc. etc. etc. Oh we fake it pretty well to the outside world, but in this relationship, there is little holding us together. We bicker and fight regularly, and don’t even think about bringing anything up that has to do with my family or she just shuts down or goes into hyper bitchy mode. But of course her family is in her life every single day (even though they live 300 miles away)… phone calls to/from her Mom discussing all the stuff they hate about life and people, but my wife is even more bitter than her Mom. God I hate to see what she is like in another 20 years.
The only saving grace at this point is that we don’t have any kids (and you can imagine why that is…) so if I ever got up the guts to file for divorce, there wouldn’t be that extra mess to deal with. Of course now she keeps saying she wants kids everytime she passes someone with kids. She is angry that she never had kids, but then you gotta be willing to do something to get pregnant… seems a bit ironic. I often asked her in the beginning if she ever had dreams with me in them… the answer has always been no, but there are always dreams about her family and her childhood homestead. I believe she is just so stuck in the past, that she won’t move on.
She has no self-esteem and takes out her anger on me constantly reminding me that I’m so much better at everything than she is and anything I do seems to make her angry because she says, “I’m just not like you”. So she tries to make me feel bad for it. Believe me, I’ve tried for all these years to provide some kind of encouragement, hoping if I could make her feel better about herself, it might help our marriage… no luck as of yet. She has this knack for sucking any good mood right out of me in an instant with just a glare or some comment about how I think I’m so much better because I can do this or I can do that.
So many more thoughts I could pour out on this keyboard that I’m sure it would bore you to tears… but this is my rant.