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I hate my husband but don’t know how to leave
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I hate my husband but don’t know how to leave

Please help me. I hate my husband and I know it’s time to leave. I know it in my heart. This is not just anger hate. I don’t like my husband. He disgusts me. I pretty much hate everything about him and it’s eating away at me because he doesn’t seem to believe it when I tell him that I hate him and I don’t want to be married to him anymore. No matter which way I put it he doesn’t get that I mean it. He doesn’t get that I really don’t like him at all and feel embarrassed and ashamed and disgusted with myself and hate myself for being married to him.

The problem is, and this isn’t going to make any sense I know that, I don’t really want to hurt him. When I say that then it makes me think that maybe I don’t really hate him because if I hated him I wouldn’t care if I hurt him or not. So maybe I don’t hate him the human being but I do despise his ways.

I hate how he has no interest in improving himself. He doesn’t have a high school diploma and quit trying to get a GED.  I hate how he’s addicted to cigarettes. I hate how he’s always lying.  He hardly ever has anything to say to me but he’ll grab my ass every time he passes by me. He’ll embrace me but he always has to rub me up and squeeze my butt and breasts in the process. It makes me feel violated and like a piece of meat and I hate it.

I hate how irresponsible he is with money. As you can imagine, given he has no education and no real skills to speak of he is only qualified for menial jobs. What money he has left over after we’ve paid our bills he spends off within a matter of a few short days and he never has anything to show for it. I hate how he ruined his credit years back but got a second chance to rebuild his credit only to ruin it again within months because he doesn’t have the capacity to think about important things. He’d rather acquire a new gold ring than acquire a new home.

I know I will be better off in every conceivable way without this person in my life. His energy is just vile. Nothing good can ever happen for us because he is who he is and nothing good will ever happen for me as long as I stay married to him.

I just managed to get some money on my bank account that I’ve been waiting for and he’s already gone in and started to deplete it. It’s just a little bit of money and we need it because we’re on hard times right now, but he’s already dipping into it taking money out for s h i t.

I don’t know what to do. I need to get this man out of my life. Ideally I will wake up tomorrow and it will be like the last 20 years didn’t happen and I never knew him at all.

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I hate my husband but don't know how to leave, 7.5 out of 10 based on 24 ratings
0 59 16486 20 August, 2012 Marriage Life August 20, 2012
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59 comments

  1. Scott Perry

    You are absolutely right. You need to get out. Unless he is actually physically restraining you, there is nothing he can really do to stop you from walking out tomorrow. Tell him you’re leaving in X number of days, and do it! If he pulls anything, figure out how to work around whatever he pulls. Prepare yourself mentally, in advance. Next time around please don’t pick someone you’ll be disappointed in.

    Reply
    1. Shamim

      I equally have the same problem my dear. My husband went bach to his ex with whom he had a son with before I met him. He assured me that he loved me so much that we had a daughter together. When my daughter was seven months, he made his ex pregnant but he tells me that it was a mistake. He is willing to give her a very nice home and keep her as a wife too. With all that he claims to still love me as much as he did in the beginning. I cant talk to my family and friends abt it yet it is wearing me out. I need to get out of this relationship but I lack the courage to do so. I dont know what to do too.

      Reply
    2. alice

      Hi ladies,

      I am in the same situation, we married for 25 years with 4 children. I hate my husband. He is a nice guy in his own way but no principle or standard. He thinks he likes a teenager laugh with everyone with his dirty jokes, so embarrassing around my children and friends. He is now 76 years old and I am 46. When I got married I was only 20 and he was 50 of age. He was a great man and didn’t look his age, To cut long story short, my problem is if I leave, where do I live. We own a house together with my children. If not my children, I will leave immediately. I love my children so much. We are adult making a mistake, whatever it takes I don’t want to impact them with a divorce. How many years left for him to live in the world. He has 3 hip replacement operations, He is old and fragile but I hate him because he keep boasting and being arrogant. He turns my kids into selfish and disrespectful teenagers like him. He sets no expectation or boundary for my children. He will give in for their desire behind my back. My children think he is the wonderful father to give what they want but I am the horrible mum to say No to everything. He takes away my youth, motherhood and dignity. He has no respect for my contribution for my hard work. He can enjoy a life because my sacrifice for the sake of children. I don’t know what to do, my children need me, they need guidance and direction

      Reply
      1. Meagan

        You need to get out simple as that! Does he truly care about you and have you told him the problems you’re having? If so and he still hasn’t showed you respect than pardon my French but screw him. You deserve to be happy just like every else. Life is to short to waste it away being miserable and belive me honey the kids are seeing there mum miserable also.

        Reply
  2. inLondon

    Dear guest,
    The exact same thing is happening to me, after 8 years of marriage, except I’m the husband but it doesn’t matter at all. I think the solution lie in a combination of 1) you getting some energy and confidence in your life if you need it – with friends, new friends perhaps, activities, whatever it takes for you to treat yourself 2) find a way to get the message across into your husband’s mind, so as to start the conversation with him. Counselling worked for me, even after just one session, as it allowed a quiet and rational discussion, and for me a great moment to say anything I couldn’t otherwise. 3) pushing the discussion again and again, repeating the pain you’re feeling, expressing yourself more and more. I’m still working on it but the key is to NOT-LET-GO, just dig and dig until you made your point in various ways.
    4) a practical plan to slowly get away. I’m still working on this one too, for me it’s about selling some of our furniture, pushing my wife to get a job,..etc.
    Those are just some pointers. Start by treating yourself, get some positive energy, talk to various people. You’ll get there.

    Reply
  3. Feeling the same

    I feel completely the same….. We do nothing but fight all the time, I don’t know how to leave I have no money no family:/

    Reply
    1. Nywoman

      I know exactly how u feel. I’m married 3 years. Been together ten years. It was never good from beginning. We have a 3years old daughter. I love her soooooo much but I’m starting to feel like I hate my husband. Today is Xmas eve and I celebrated with my daughter by going to mcdonalds while my husband was home sleeping since last night util now he’s still sleeping . He doesn’t like to do anything besides sleeping. We fight about every thing. I have no respect for him bc he’s basically 35 going on 80. He never has the energy to take us anywhere. He always use work as an excuse. How stressful work is, so we need it sacrifice our happiness. I’m not asking for money or vacations. I’m simply talking about taking us to parks, celebrating Xmas holidays etc. he didn’tt even get my daughter a Xmas gift. I want to leave so bad. But I’m a mom full time. I don’t have any money. I’m so depressed every single day. Not so much about me, but how my daughter has a father who doesn’t give a crap about taking my daughter to places. He said he want to take us to see the Xmas tree in manhattan, or chunky cheese last Sunday. Never deliver of course. He talks with his ass all the time. I don’t want my daughter to have a looser father. I dunno what to do. I don’t have any family here in us. I wish I never met him….the biggest mistake of my life….

      Reply
  4. Anna

    I feel the same way, I’m 34 and we been married for two years and been together 3. He plays Xbox all the time and we never go out anymore. My views have changed, I wanted a child when we first met now I don’t anymore bc I’m not sexually attracted to him anymore even when I’m drunk I don’t want his sex. He acts so childish to me. He works two jobs and thinks that makes him a man. He knows I’m not happy and I been wanting to leave not too long after we was married. He has immature friends and he is 34 yrs old. I told him he acts stupid and childish and he says well that’s me. Deal with it. He said he is not changing. His dad is immature as hell and he has no family unity. I do not like his son at all bc he acts like an ass and a baby and my husband treats him like that. I been thinking about cheating but it will not help my situation. He has a nasty attitude and I’m at my wits end…

    Reply
  5. Profile photo of
    EMMAN

    MY SISTER,I REALLY FELT YOUR PAINS AND I WISH I COULD SHARE FROM IT.BUT IT IS A PITTY THAT MARRIAGE IS LIKE A PERSONAL CROSS THAT EVERYMAN AND WOMAN MUST BEAR ALONE ONCE IT IS CARRIED.ORIGINALLY GOD DID NOT INSTITUE MARRIAGE TO BE MANAGED BUT TO BE ENJOYED NOT TO BE A PAIN BUT A GAIN FOR BOTH COUPLE.HOWEVER IT BECAME WHAT IT IS NOW BECAUSE OF THE WAY WE HANDLED IT. WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS TO COMMITE YOUR HUSBAND’S HEART INTO THE HAND OF GOD WHO CREATED HIM. YOUR HUSBAND CASE IS NOT HARD OF GOD TO CHANGE ONLY IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD. EVERY FAULTY MACHINE CAN ALWAYS BE FIXED BY THE EXPERT WHO ARE KNOWLEDGEABLE ABOUT IT.NO MAN CAN CHANGE MAN EXPECT HE WHO CREATED HIM. I KNOW THAT YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND BUT WHAT YOU HATE IN HIM IS THE BAD BEHAVIOURS WHICH HE HIMSELF CANNOT GET RID OFF. ALSO SHOW HIM LOVE AND AFFECTION,TELL HIM THAT YOU BELIEVED THAT HE CAN LIVE A BETTER LIFE THAN HOW HE IS LIVING NOW,TELL HIMTHAT YOU MARRIED TO HIM BECAUSE YOU BELIEVED THAT HE CAN ACHIEVE GREATNESS IN LIFE AND.STOP SAYING NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT HIM BUT BE POSITIVE IN YOUR APPROACH IN TAKING THIS CORRECTIVE MEASURE. I KNOW THAT IF YOU CAN DO THIS YOU WILL REAP THE GOOD FRUIT OF YOUR TOUNGE AND YOUR HOME WILL BE A PARADISE IN HEAVEN. GOD BLESS YOU MADAM.

    Reply
    1. hate aloha

      i really hate my husband. he has a fiery temper and it gets scary when something sets him off. he totally loses his mind and acts all crazy.
      i worry for my son i worry for my dog because those become his anger vents. i am too small to fight him or to protect my son and dog.

      i believe in God and will wait for God to settle this problem for me. meanwhile i have to do anything i can to keep a lid on his anger , like keeping quiet and not answer back or argue back. The only losers in the scenario are me and my son and dog. how i wish for God’s justice to come down swiftly and free us all.

      Reply
    2. Meagan

      I know this is an old thread but thank you for them encouraging words. I needed to read that. I will try to be more patient with my husband and I will definitely give it to the good lord. God bless you

      Reply
  6. sadeen

    My husband is the worst person in this world.He is abusing by all means ,physically,mentally,verbally and even in front of the kid.I ruined my 10 years with him,expexcting everyday he will be good but invain.
    He pushes me to work and grabs all my money.He s thinking how to humilate me in front of others,even in public places he is shouting.He smokes in the home knowing the kid has Asthma.
    He just eats ,play games on mobile and sleep 10 hours, nothing else.He is not talking or sharing any thing,neither listens to me,infact makes fun or becomes sircastic.
    Now its time to leave.He will never become good.He is a satin.I want to write alot but I am crying right now.

    Reply
  7. Erin

    OMG this is exactly what I am going through. Except my husband is in the military. He has no ambition and doesn’t try to improve himself. He has gained over 50lbs since we got married. He is never holds me in loving manner…it’s all ass grabbing and stuff. I had a drinking problem and I got better and he’d give me drinks bc he knew I’d have sex with him. ANYHOW…your message was so helpful. It has been six months since you posted. I am curious if anything has changed of I you left.

    Reply
  8. Brandy

    WOW… this is exactly what Im going through, it gave me chills reading this, I feel like I wrote it ! We’ve been married for only two years but it feels like I’ve been trapped in this relationship for 10+

    He doesn’t have a high school degree or GED, or a drivers license, he has no motivation to improve himself, and on top of that he has his loser brother living with us (in a 450 sq ft house none the less!!) They sit around, mess up the house (and leave it like that for weeks till I get sick of it and clean up after them), smoke weed, drink… I am in hell!!!

    I feel like Im going crazy, I feel like Im the bitch, the bad guy, because I get mad and yell, but honestly I can’t take it anymore!

    (excuse all the run on sentences)

    Reply
  9. Run,run fast

    God did not put you on this earth to spend your days depressed. It takes two for a happy marriage and if one is not happy due to the other not living up to their end of the bargain..then it’s time leave. Life is too short and precious to be that unhappy!
    I wish I left my first husband years before than “doing the right thing for the child” thing. He took any self-esteem, confidence,love for ones self and killed it. He was a cruel human being,so much so the judge granted a cruel and unusual punishment divorce. That type of divorce was very hard to get when NY had it on the books. I view my time with him, all 13 years as stolen time…..but never again will any man make my life miserable again!If your husband has no desire to change or better himself,don’t stay, it will not get any better. I ended up getting a charge card and using that to fund my way out of that hellish marriage and started all over again with nothing and my child.
    Ladies,put aside money each paycheck for yourself…hide it if you have to..but always have something to call your own & fall back on. Start looking for ways to help yourself out,sell what you can or better yet just leave it behind. No family or money …look for a shelter,join support groups..anything to get you on your path to freedom.
    And for those on their God high horse…give it a rest will ya!? God didn’t put you on this earth to be treated like a doormat,no person deserves treatment like that!

    Reply
  10. Get out now

    I’ve been married for 23 years and have been miserable the entire time. I just found out why…he is passive aggressive. All I have to say is run, run, run. I wish I could right now but I have no where to go with two young kids in school and no income.

    Reply
    1. Nywoman

      I should’ve Run run and run. But I have a three years old daughter. I’m just glad I’m not alone after seeing these posts. I wish we all never made these mistakes and we don’t have to suffer….. It’s sad to see how many of us are so. Miserable in our marriages. I sometimes wish I’m in a nightmare and I can wake up from it.

      Reply
  11. Enita

    I also really hate my husband. He is someone who sits on my schoulder always. He is very terrible man. He can not do anything. Since I am with him I could not make any success. He stops everything. Just for examen he starts to shout and starts looking for problems. And as result I always fail for exams. Noweverytime his psychische torturing comes back and I am having trauma. I want te go away from him. But it is my house. He has to go. But he does not go away. Now he is threateing to kill my child. I don’t know wat to do. Is there any solution for me. I am afraid if I go he will kill my child.

    Reply
    1. OMG

      Run and fast! Google a battered women’s shelter in your area and just leave. A house is worth much less than your child’s safety. Once you are safe, sell the house out from under him. Just go, you are the only that can protect your family. God bless you and keep you safe.

      Reply
  12. Anica

    I think the fact that there are so many Loving and Devoted women here is splendid. The problem is somewhere along the way WE lost the love for ourselves and allowed someone to dictate our worth. They most likely saw something in us , our light, and were attracted to it. The sad part is when negative personalities try to dominate and extinguish positivite ones. Self love and strength along with prayer and manifestation will get you EVERYWHERE along with saving. So, DO IT.

    I feel that I realized early that I was dating a person who was not worthy of the love I was trying to give. If you can’t trust yourself trust in your higher power. God has moved mountains for me and so I always say PRAY.
    I still struggle with getting him out of m life but each day it is easier. I am not meant to soak up any of his malicious verbal abuse. Before it is physical I am learning how to be done with him. I have to love myself before I can love anyone else. When I worry I give my worries to God he can carry anything.

    MANIFEST GREATNESS LADIES YOU ARE WORTHY OF IT. BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD.

    Reply
  13. lisa

    My husband and I have been married for a year, together for 6 yrs. I feel like we had been married the entire 7 yrs because we know each other so well. Too well that we know it when we piss each other off and how to piss each other off. Lately, we have been fighting almost every day and over almost everything. I know that we have to either seek counseling, or talk things out but he does not want to do neither. He says that its better if we dont talk at all, that will make things better. I say, we should split. Its up to the point where I cant stand the sight of him, I whince at the sound of his voice. In the mornings I anxiously wait for him to leave for work and pray that he dont come home early. He walks.in thr door and I feel like……kicking him out! I dont want to eat dinner with him anymore. I dont even want to cook for him….I dont even want to sleep with him, let alone next to him! So whats so bad about this guy? Well, he is a SLOB. He never ever picks up after himself. He messes up the living room, our bedroom, the bathroom and never thinks anything of it. I clean up after him, and he messes it up again. Like clock work. His own car is disgusting both outside and in. He never goes to the car wash. He says that a car is just a car. As long as it takes him to where he needs to go. So I take both our cars to the carwash….he don’t notice when his car is clean. And this has been going on for 7 yrs. I am just so exhausted. Maybe a.different woman will motivate him to strive and at least try. He is just a really lazy individual, who does not want to put any work on his marriage or his home and car.

    Reply
  14. kira

    Wow…I didn’t realize there are so many people (men and women) in the same boat as I am in. I have no family to lean on for support. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family growing up. perhaps this is why I am trying so desperately to hold on to this marriage by a thread. I want my 2 kids to grow up in a happy family. But I just cannot take my nasty husband anymore. He’s got serious mental issues (but he denies them) I have tried to be supportive. But it makes it very difficult to be supportive when someone is su h a nasty person to you. I pray that we all find our way. I often look to GOD for guidance.

    Reply
  15. kiki

    I too hate my husband I despise his efforts to make everything about him he cant / wont hold down a job he is not pleasing he has to be told to shower he smokes like an indian cheif he i9s a complainer to the 10th power he continually points outs other peoples faults but cant see his own for sh*t im sure this mf is bipolor but he refuses to see a doctor he is just down right lazy he is always looking for a fight in the name of love he always wants to talk something through but lackes understanding everybody that comes in contact with him thinks he is the greatess guy he smiles with them understands them and then when he and i interact its war I HATE HIS ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

    Reply
  16. olseju

    Oh wow. How many of us are out there? I look at other people and think they must have the BEST life and here am I….a terribly sad and dissappointing life. I realise that my life is my problem…my concern…my fault. I am in charge of my happinness, but I would have like a normal human being to accompany we through that life. Not this MONSTER of a husabnd I have. He is completely WRONG for me. I actually dislike him and what is worse, I disrespect him. He speaks, I cringe. He answers the phone, I cringe He is completely mean and nasty – to everyone. He didn’t even visit his father in Hospital when he had a cancer operation! Completely selfich. We have no kids because he refuses to have sex with me. He refuses to have sex with someone who doesn’t love him….and yet he knows I do not love him and I am not allowed to leave! HA. This is an arsehole, for sure. I am not allowed to leave. I am not allowed to question him. I am not allowed to criticise him (or the fact that he hasn’t earnt any money for 3 months!!). I am not allowed to touch his things – though he is probably the messiest prick in the universe and then has the audacity to lecture me about tidyness. I am not allowed to look in his wallett and I am not allowed to touch his phone. Oh – but I CAN do his washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping. Thank GOD we have no kids. I always wanted kids – I desparetly want kids still, but I can’t torture a small child’s life by forcing that bastard on him/her. So now, because of him, I will not have kids. He is the reason. How pathetic I am for putting up with it? My whole family despise him – an even more when he did NOTHING for my 40th birthday (yet I gave him a massive party for his birthday just last year) – and for good reason. He is a prick. To be honest his own mother and father are not fond of him. They just simply can’t be bothered with his self-righteous bullshit. What irks me the most is that he yells. He can’t communicate like a normal human – he has to scream and prove how ‘big’ he is. He thinks no one listens unless he yells. He is right. no one listens to him. Especially when he yells. Had it…..

    Reply
  17. Peggie

    Am an African woman. So this adds insult to injury. I am 33 years old, mother of 4 and married for 13 years. Marriage has been hell. This so called husband has drained me down to the last of a human being. He has misused me since i got in this filthy marriage. He is lazy thus i have been Adam and Eve all the time. This has given me depression acute ulcers and hypertension. He argues all the time dictates and battles me. He cheats on me and he has tried to sleep with my sisters and my mother too. I hate him so much it gives me nausea.

    Reply
  18. confused

    I will use this site as a way to vent anonymously. I’ve been married for 35 years. I knew when I agreed to marry my husband that I shouldn’t, but I did anyway. I sobbed on my honeymoon because I knew I was stuck. Being a new Christian at the time, I knew divorce was not an option, and now I was trapped for life.

    My husband yells, throws tantrums, is SO negative about everything, cuts people down like he’s so perfect, undermines every decision I make, and generally sucks the life out of me. Everything with him is “I, me, my”. People who don’t know him well think he is so funny and such a great guy. People who do know him think he’s an arrogant SOB, and have said so!

    There is so much I need to get off my chest, but it just makes me cry. He is a hard worker (workaholic, actually) and is generous with his money, but he holds it over our heads – “the car “I” bought you, the braces “I” paid for, the house “I” pay for, if you brushed your teeth I wouldn’t have to pay for a root canal, etc.

    When I went back to work when my son was a baby (I had been home for 9 years), my life completely changed – getting myself and 3 kids up every morning and to 4 different places, then activities, grocery, meals, homework – the whole bedtime routine – then I was supposed to feel sexy after all that. His day stayed the same as when I was home all day – getting up and meeting friends for racquetball, breakfast, work, and then home to either work more or watch tv. Never any help, because we had a “division of labor” in our home, which I don’t remember agreeing to! I do all the repairs, yardwork, maintenance, because “he built the house, he doesn’t have to do anything else”. He brags about changing one diaper per child.

    We were on the verge of separation when he got a job in another state. I was going to stay here and he was going to leave. Then my 3 children and the grandchildren decided to move also. We are all scattered in different states, and they didn’t know about the separation. Since they want to live in the mountains (where the new job is), they have all made their way to the state he is in, waiting on me to sell our house and move, too. We have been apart 7 months and I haven’t missed him at all.

    I know this doesn’t sound so awful in writing, but I am miserable. When I say anything to him about anything, I tense up, waiting for the yelling to start. If we watch TV, I wait for him to say something negative about whoever is on. Before he moved I spent all my time in another room sewing, because I couldn’t stand to be in the same room with him.

    I know I’m not perfect. I’m 59, overweight, tend to be moody, and can have a sharp tongue. But he ignored me and my feelings even when I was young and “pretty”.

    It’s hard to sum up 35 years of unhappiness in a few paragraphs. I’ve prayed, I’ve had Bible study groups pray for my marriage, I’ve read books on marriage, talked to counselors (he won’t go). Our children don’t like him (they live in his state, but stay away from him as much as possible because he is such a downer) and ask me why I married him. I don’t really have an answer.

    Reply
    1. LoriJ

      I realize this is 3 years later, I wish I knew how you are doing. This is almost identical to my life, 20 years, in august 2016. I think he is disgusting, I think I’m past the hate, just over it, but can’t seem to leave. Money is an issue for me. I would love to hit the lottery (wouldn’t we all) but you have to play to win lol if I had a car with no payment. Dream. I hope you are happy now!!!!!

      Reply
    2. Stuck

      20 years of the same life here and I need out. I’m 39, raised his 2 children and my own, now I raise his grandson ( MY adopted son$ he is physically, and mentally abusive and my grown children are very damaged by watching him be so degrading to all of us for so long. My son won’t come and visit, his daughters hate the way he is and won’t visit either. I know for my 3 year old adopted sons future to be normal I need to leave. I have no family ( I lost them when my father was incarcerated for sexually abusing me as a child…they felt I was a horrible person for breaking my silence) my husband lets me know weekly that I have no family and no friends ( I’m a stay at home mom after giving up a successful career to tend to our now adopted 3 year old. Not to mention for the first 2 years of my 3 year old slide, I had to take him to work so I could still pay all out bills. He is a business owner himself and I get the brunt of his insane spending and poor managing of his business. He spends a great deal of time talking about very disgusting sexual things with his other male employees, and if I do go to his shop he humiliates me, and recently my 21 year old son was humiliated with name calling and was chased out by his stap father wanting to physically hurt him. My son ran out and walked into the nearby town and has not returned home since. I have to visit him outside the home. I wake up everyday feeling defeated and go to bed with nots in my tummy. We have slept apart for 6 years and won’t speak to me or touch me unless it’s 1 a month and I get the ” hurry up and get in here, I need to get to sleep”. Which adds insult to injury as a sexual abuse survivor. I need out. Any suggestions?

      Reply
      1. LoriJ

        I am sorry that you went through the sexual abuse, good for you for standing up against him. You know you did the right thing, if you hadn’t, someone else would be a victim. Never think different.

        As for leaving, I wish I had the answer. I’m still here. I have no children living at home anymore, I just can’t seem to take the steps. No reason, other than money, feeling of security. I work, but my income is not enough to pay my bills, and they are not much lol. I’m not money hungry. We live a very simple life. We have just our basic bills, water, gas, electric. I’m not talking shopping, manicures, hair appts etc. Our car is a 1996 what does that tell you 🙂 I’m OK with that too, it runs good, that’s fine with me. My home is nice, warm, clean. Just silent.

        Back to you, are you afraid to leave? Are you sure you want to leave? Would your grown kids help you until you can get on your feet? Try to ignore the humiliation for now, keep talking yourself up, say positive things to yourself, like I am smart, I can do this, I am better than this, I am a good person etc repeat as much as you can. As for sexual relationship, your lucky, my opinion, if your trying to leave try to stay away, you don’t need him to treat you like that, you need romance, not a quicky for him. Whatever you do don’t get into another relationship for a little bit. Get through this, heal yourself and those kids, do not let him walk over you, you have a voice, just use it at a safe time, when others are around, no yelling or screaming, you can be the mature one. He can look like the idiot. Also, if he starts this at home, record it, it may be illegal but you have it, so you can hear it again and again and know, you are not the stupid one! I hope to hear from you again.

        Reply
  19. I was in your shoes

    Please run. Run fast. And don’t look back. Before it’s too late. I have been married 23 years. Last 15 years I have been miserable. I really want to end this marriage, but I can’t sell my house. Because my husband trashed and I can’t put on market. I tried to transfer title to my husband’s name. Since he had no job, no income, no saving, bank won’t allow me to transfer. He is self centered, cheater, lier. I have been faithful for entire time even during he was in prison. I kept my full time job. He hasn’t had real job since 2005. I pay mortgage, utility, food every month. He contribute very little and complains how little we have. You are still young. Please don’t get stuck like me.

    Reply
  20. Madison

    I, much like everyone else, have the same problem. I’m 21, he is 23, we have a 2 year old little girl. My major concern is that I fear he may be a flight risk, and I don’t know what I would do if he ever left with my daughter. The thought of him being alone with her scares me to death. In the past I have tried to get a restraining order and called the cops, I asked to press charges so that he couldn’t be around her, but they said I didn’t have enough evidence. He has choked me, hit me and threatened me in her presence, I dont understand what else I need to keep her away from him. I have contacted many shelters, abuse hotlines, etc. and nothing seems to be helping. We are married and still together because I am afraid that if I leave him and he gets any kind of visitation he will run off to Mexico with her because he has threatened to do it in the past. He also threatens me all the time with what he will do if we break up. I hate him so much but I don’t know what else to do, I could never leave him alone with my baby. I don’t want to be stuck like this anymore. Does anyone have any advice??? Please, please, please. I feel like I have tried everything.

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  21. Jillian

    So many sad stories & mine’s not much better. My husband isn’t a bad man & there’s no
    Physical abuse but the mental & emotional abuse is taking its toll & I want to leave. He does not engage in conversation unless its to be negative & is not participating in the marriage at all. He has never ‘had my back’ & I’ve never felt supported. I do all the housework, shopping, cooking & paying bills but he now controls all the money. We have two small children & I work 5 days a week part time & the money I make goes on food, Childcare & fuel. We argue every other day & he always turns things around so I am to blame; he has never taken responsibility for anything in our marriage. I feel like I’m living with a child not an adult. I’ve been to counselling for the past 10 years of our 13 yrs together & on the 2 occasions he has come along, he was stand offish & accused the counsellor & I of having a go at him. I feel so stuck. He is a good father but a lousy husband & I hate that our children are not being shown what a good marriage is about. We haven’t different goals & I’ve practically begged for many years for him to set financial goals so we can budget & secure our future but he just ignores my pleas. I write down what bills are due & when so he knows how much I need to pay them but he ignores them. I’ve written so many letters to him pouring my heart out about how I want things to be better but he ignores them. He has so much resentment towards me due to my career when we first met but won’t talk it out. I was starting a new business when we met & told him I didn’t have time for a serious r/ship but he asked him to give him a chance so I did but I still focused on my business; this resulted in not enough ‘us time’ in the beginning. He said he wanted the same things as me in life but as time went on he wasn’t talking the talk & I lost respect for him. I feel like a bird trapped in a cage. I’ve never met such a selfish & unkind person; even when I’ve had surgery & came home he didn’t lift a finger to help me & it was up to me to carry the load again. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying to look on the positive side of it all & not dwell on all the negatives of our marriage but it doesn’t last long & I’m back to feeling like I want out. I’m afraid hell stop me taking the kids if I said I was leaving. Any feedback would be helpful.

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  22. Madison

    Would it be completely wrong to try to find another guy while your married? I feel like I know that it is, but it would actually help me to finally “pull the trigger” on this failure of a marriage. And even if I did, what kind of guy sees someone whose married. Any opinions on this?

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  23. any

    Madison,
    I totally agree with you. I would love to find a man to help me leave….I wouldn’t even know the first place to begin!

    Reply
  24. Angel

    I can’t believe I am reading all these stories. I no longer feel like I am suffering alone. I have been married to a man 15 yrs my senior for 15 years. Six years ago I had a huge spiritual awakening after struggling with an illness. For me the journey to that point had been about needing other people and molding myself to be what they needed me to be. When I woke up and realized that this was MY life to live, a lot of things about me changed (for the better) but my marriage began to crumble. I no longer “needed” my husband the way I had for all those years. What I wanted instead was to be my own person and have a loving supportive husband by my side. What I wanted and what I got were two separate things. Instead my husband has found numerous reasons to disapprove of my personality. He wants me to be someone I am not because that is what he needs. As we continue to drift apart, I find it almost impossible to be physical with him. It almost makes me sick. I love him as a person because he supported me and my children. I don’t wish him any ill will, but I know I will never ever be in love with him. I am not the same person that I was 15 years ago. The thought of leaving makes me feel horrible, like I owe it to him to stay, but the thought of another 15-20 or more years makes me want to die. I feel horrible about it. Do I need to just figure out how to stay and make it work….or do I need to go….I just don’t know! I am so conflicted about what is even the right thing to do.

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  25. Just Me

    I began to hate my husband because of pent-up anger. He has no idea how to sit down and have an adult conversation or even and adult argument. The only thing he knows is how to have a screaming/cursing match and that’s not me. So, for 9 years, all the disagreements and arguments that we should have had are built up inside both of us and finally a couple of months ago when he went off on one of his lone screaming/cursing matches that I don’t participate in, he called me a Bitch and invited me to a fight! “C’mon Bitch, I’ll go to jail tonite” What kind of mess is that for a man to say to any woman, especially his wife?
    And not only does he not talk about his problems, he thinks that if he doesn’t talk about them, then they just go away. So after about a week, as he usually does after one of his childish outbursts, he wanted to go back to life as usual. But this time, something in me had broken. I want him to leave this house and my life so bad and because he knows that’s what I truly want, he won’t go. But that’s ok, because it’s convenient right now and I’m a thinker. And trust me, I’m thinking his ass outta my life with every sun that sets! He is a liar, I don’t think he’s ever told me the truth since I met him. He’s a gambler and lies about it. We got ourselves debt free as a couple and not even a year later he went behind my back and had about 5 credit cards in his name and I still see letters in the trash “declined.” Just not a good person and I can’t wait to be done with him.

    Reply
  26. thinking how I could have done it differently

    Why did I/we settle? A bad period in life perhaps. You would think after 20 years of the same crap there would be a spark of life, positivity but no, not when you haven’t given a shit in 10 years. You know, its all about him. Always. He doesn’t know jack about me. Guess its easier to isolate and say ya ya uh huh and give half hearted interest. Thank God for books and smart phones.

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  27. lindsay

    I know how you feel I’m in a physically, mentally, abusive relationship. I got married august 26th of last year to get my ass beat on September 10th he beat me so bad he broke my nose fractured my skall.. I’ve been broke ever since that doesn’t stop there he controls where I go who I hang with talk to exc. Note he moved into my house with my two small children now I’m 7 months pregnant n feel so low so stuck I don’t want to leave my home I don’t want to… but I also don’t know how to leave him n know that my children n I deserve better he also threatens me to kill me steal my unborn child exc if I leave.. he’s an addict and he’s crazy and a felon I need help but don’t know where to turn..

    Reply
  28. Ser

    Dear TS,
    I totally feel u. I hate my husband so much I wish I can slap him till his jaws dislocate. He disgusts me.
    Whenever he asks for a hug, he starts groping everywhere and yes, like how you felt, I thought I was a piece of meat. I hate it so much. I rather watch porn than look at him.
    I don’t feel love. Just alot of money issues that an immature man cannot deal with. Leaving all sort of planning to me. I’m overwhelmed.
    Everytime there’s a shortfall of money I have to find ways to top up.
    He knows and he depends very much on that.
    I hope he dies n leave me some insurance payout.
    Divorce is painfully difficult in my country and the social stigma omg…
    Why can’t he just die?

    Reply
  29. Nicila

    Wow ,its really sad ,I also have the same problem I hate him so much I can’t stand him even just passing by me disgust me ,I cry every night because I just feels so empty and broken,I just wish to be alone to make it all worst I’m 5 months pregnant and feel so so hurt ,he makes decisions about life without consulting me when he is in a mess and can’t get out then he wants to involve me ,I wish he can just leave me alone ????????????

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  30. Tiff

    I feel the same way. At first 2007 my boyfriend now husband went out of his way to please me sexually…there was even foreplay and he was polite towards me. Now we have only had sex twice in 3 years! I can’t stand the way he eats like a pig(noisy and large quantities and FAST) it’s gross he was about 260 when we met now he’s 300lbs I don’t mind his size really I dont. But he’s always complaining about his weight but he eats so much and won’t lay off the soda. He is also a functional alcoholic. He drinks 24 to 36 beers every time he drinks which is usually at least four times a week and he gets stupid drunk where he acts ignorant blacks out pisses himself usually when he’s drunk he gets sad and is on a pity party train all night or gets angry and calls me names for no reason or if someone looks at him he thinks they are trying to start shit with him and he flips them off or tells at them…a lot of my resentment towards him stems from horrible things he’s done when drunk like nearly missing our sons birth he left me in labor all by myself to go drink and watch ufc. His mom had to drag his ass to the hospital still partially drunk to sleep it off he woke up sober moments before it was time for me to push…he has a long history of talking on Facebook or texting his exes…I despise him for a lot of reasons but I think the biggest reason is because I have been a huge support for him to quit drinking. I even gave up responsible social drinking so I wouldn’t be a hypocrite we have two kids and he can’t even seek out help knowing all the problems his drinking causes all I want is for our kids to have a dad they don’t have to be embarrassed of. One they can look up to. Mind you he does work a good paying job I’m able to stay home with our kids and he’s an incredible dad when he’s not drinking recovering or craving…the kids adore him. But they’re both young still and I have a feeling they’ll eventually grow to resent him as I have though they will still love him I am just so unhappy in my marriage I feel like I’d be better off being unhappy alone without the added stress he causes me. I care about him but I can’t stand being around him most of the time. I don’t know how to leave because I don’t have a job because I raise our children at home.I’m also scared to leave because the stress and depression has caused me to have a brain fog…and the jobs I did have during our marriage I noticed were a challenge for me to learn or I’d make silly numerical errors…I never used to be that way I used to be on top of things…so I’m scared if I get a job I will fail and then I’ll be screwed and I can’t afford to mess up when I have two kids depending on me for income…I just feel like I’m stuck here.

    Reply
  31. F

    Tears running down my face reading these. How did we end up doing this to ourselves and suffer so painfully from that ONE poor choice? Praying for you all.

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  32. Kaitlyn

    I can relate to every single one of these posts. It is both comforting and sad that all of us have to suffer in silence like this. I have been married for 16 years and have two beautiful young girls.
    I am dying inside; cringe just at the sight or sound of husband home. Miss sex. So tired of maintaining for the children. Want him to die so l can be free.

    Reply
  33. Diane

    This is so sad to read how all these beautiful people are suffering because an irresponsible, broken man has trapped them beyond their means. I really hope you women can get out a find some peace it’s so disgusting how men are so demanding and controlling and actually have the nerves to think they deserve better when they’re not even giving much effort. I really hope you woman can find the strength to find the support you need to find happiness.

    Reply
  34. Brenda

    I too loathe my husband of 16 years. I have disliked him for years but he managed to turn that disliking into full fledged hate for the past 5 + years. He has taken so much from me, my credit, my friends, my family; all he knows how to do is take, take, take. Everything we do have is because of me, I handle all the finances because he’s too stupid to know you pay bills before buying stupid material things you don’t need. He’s disgusting (and yes, that childish groping thing and saying boyish things out of the blue like “show me your tits” while I’m driving or IN the store…what??!!! Grow up you pig!), farts all the time, doesn’t matter if we’re eating dinner, in public, or just watching tv together, and laughs when he does it like he’s 5. In anger he has called me every name in the book; worthless, c**t, whore, slut, bitch, stupid bitch, stupid effing bitch, and the list goes on and on. He has told people we know very personal and private things about me (that I told him in confidence before we married) when he’s angry, posted lies on his Facebook account about me (deletes them later but damage is done), told horrible nasty lies to his family about me, even told people he works with lies about me. Sex, the last time we had it (5 years ago because of his ED from medication and weight gain), was a disgusting with him; he thought he was such a good lover that he would do these weird things and if I said no, I don’t like it or it’s uncomfortable he would tell ME no it’s not and that he wanted to do it. So I don’t miss having sex with this loser! He tells me all the time how he can’t wait to leave my ass and I say good, go. But unfortunately neither of us can afford it because he spends money faster than we make it. Everything out of his mouth is me, me, me, I want, I need, I’m gonna buy, or look what I bought. If I say no to what he wants he just spends the bill money. He buys shit for himself while my car’s engine light has been on for months, but he doesn’t care because there’s nothing in fixing it for him. His years of verbal, emotional, and financial abuse has destroyed any and ALL love I had for this man… I just wish he would have a massive heart attack and die, or get in a car accident and die…no matter the scenario, I just wish he would die. That’s how much I hate him…and HE did this to me; he has made me into the vengeful hateful person I have become towards him. I can honestly say have NEVER felt this way towards another human being…so thanks hubby, thanks for that!

    Reply
    1. Dorothy

      Your husband sounds exactly like my piece-of-shit husband. If mine happens to go out of town for work for a few days, I feel like I have been released from prison. When he is not here being mean, rude and just a general asshole to me I feel so wonderful and alive. For a little while. And then I spend the rest of the time berating myself in my head for being such a f**king idiot for marrying him. Twenty seven years of hell. I used to be social and fun and happy, but now I feel hateful and depressed and angry. I’m going to finish getting old and die this way. I’m so sorry for you, and for me. 🙁

      Reply
  35. Angie

    Sadly, this is the same for me. There are times when the man I fell in love with is there, but mostly I just don’t like him at all now. He hasn’t had a job in years yet complains about lack of money and not having a better home. He does zero around the house. He wants sex all the time–his way: no foreplay and I’m supposed to like it. He criticizes my political, religious, and social views constantly. And, where did all that sexism come from? Seriously? I emasculate him? Maybe if he’d get a job and be an actual provider he might feel more like a man! I wanted so much to be married and to have a husband, but now I understand that quote (sorry I don’t know who said it) that went something like: a woman who never finds a husband should consider herself lucky. I look at my life and wonder how it got this way. I know I should initiate divorce, but I can’t afford the alimony he’s likely to demand. It is cheaper to keep him I think. At least I enjoy my job and volunteer work otherwise I’d lose it. No wonder so many women read romance novels! Wow. It felt good to type this!

    Reply
  36. Cynthia

    I came here because I really really hate my husband, and I didn’t want to be alone. From everything I have read so far helps me feel connected to you other wives, so thank you for sharing your story. Here is my story
    I hate my husband because he has no interest in taking care of himself what so ever. He’s like another child in this house I have to pick up after. I have litteraly ran through 100,000 dollars in a year, because he hasn’t provided for our family and I have had to pay all our bills, and expenses.
    He cheated on me two years ago and I have never been able to look at him the same since not to mention right after we got married, he was on 3different dating sites sending other girls messages. His profile picture on his dating site he was wearing the shirt I bought for him.
    He is narsacist and sarcastic. He is mean and sarcastic to my children. Everyone thinks he’s such an amazing man but he constantly lies to me, he treats strangers better than me. He has absolutely no respect for me. He will walk away when I speak to him, and when we have sex he closes his eyes and obviously his imagination of being with someone else takes over. He gaslights me all the time. He plays the victim. He makes me feel bad for getting upset for the shit he does, like I’m not allowed to have feelings. Right now he didn’t come home last night. I have to go donate plasma tomorrow to buy my kids food and Easter and he is supposed to be home to sit with our son while I go yet he is out to eat with his friend spending money we don’t have while me and the kids ate hamburger helper. He has drained all my finances, all my energy, and I hate him more than I’ve ever hated anyone. I want out of this marriage so bad. But when I try to leave he won’t let me. Or he don’t take me serious. I hope he gets hit by a car and dies. I hate him

    Reply
    1. Meagan

      I feel you pain Cynthia. You just described my relationship to the T but I will say my husband works. WOMAN SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO PROVIDE FOR AN ABLE BODIED MAN! Let me ask you this….whats keeping you there? I mean obviously you don’t need a man because you can provide for yourself and believe me dear it feels good to get all that baggage bringing you down OUT OF YOUR LIFE. Let me know if u need to talk or anything because I’m here and always needing to vent about my situation as well! Have a great day and remember you derseve the best don’t let any man tell you different.

      Reply
  37. Eve

    I think I have just now started hating my husband. Everything that comes out of his mouth annoys me. I can’t stand him just being in the same room as me. I regret the day the thought of marriage crossed my mind. I’ve forgiven him being verbal and an occasion physical abusive. But his constant lies and cheating. I went against my family for him, thinking I was doing the right thing as a wife. He swears he loves me but I really don’t care anymore. I don’t even fight back or question him anymore. I could care less what he does. Having an affair myself has and constly crosses my mind. I just feel stuck with him. I can’t go with my family as they want absolutely nothing with me. I’m just sticking around with him saving money to be on my own.

    Reply

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