Update September 19 2012: It’s strange how after a few days you don’t really remember that just a few days ago you were feeling so low about your marriage you were thinking about joining Ashley Madison and cheating on your husband. I’m not sure what to make of the way my feelings change so drastically from one moment to the next. It’s weird because, reading what I wrote on September 15th I don’t really agree with the things I wrote and I feel no need to join Ashley Madison to look for someone to fill some void. I think my problem is that my emotions are all over the place and I am guilty of the mistake of putting the responsibility for my happiness on my husband; so how I feel about myself gets determined by how I perceive his feelings for me based on how he is acting towards me. The desire to cheat is not really a desire to cheat as in find someone with whom to get sexually involved. Like I said sex is not a problem between my husband and me. It’s his emotional unavailability that I have a problem with, and I guess it’s silly to imagine I would be able to find someone to fill that void at a site like Ashley Madison where all the men are there looking for someone to have sex with. I guess they need a site like Ashley Madison for married people who need someone to have an emotional affair with, but then there would only be women registered on the site. All the men will be over at Ashley Madison looking for someone to have sex with who won’t try to demand that they show them attention and listen to them talk and spend “quality” time with them. I don’t know, how does anyone win in a marriage when the needs of one so drastically conflict with the needs of the other?
I am feeling a lot better at the present moment, but the reason is problematic and concerns me greatly. My husband is being more attentive. The reason that is a problem, when he stops being as attentive, which he inevitably will, I will go back to feeling upset and wanting to join Ashley Madison to find someone to pay attention to me. I need to realize that the problem here has 100% to do with not taking responsibility for my own happiness.
September 15 2012: My husband is upstairs in our bedroom, or I should say “the bedroom”. I don’t really think of it as “our bedroom”. It’s just the bedroom. I don’t know what he’s doing. He could be sleeping or watching TV. We haven’t really interacted much today. We don’t really interact much these days. Things are changing. We’re really growing apart. I feel sad right now. Sad and lonely; but not in the way that makes me wish things were different between my husband and me. I feel sad and lonely in a way that makes me wish I had someone I could call and flirt with so I could feel good. I want to feel good. I deserve to feel good don’t I? But I don’t know if you can find people like that on Ashley Madison. I’m thinking Ashley Madison because they’re the go-to site to find someone to have an affair with I guess; but I’m not sure if they cater to my particular needs. I mean, when all is said and done it’s not sex I want really; and from what it appears that’s what men join the site looking for, someone to have sex with. I already have someone to have sex with. My husband and I still have sex even though our relationship is what it is. It’s the emotional stuff that’s missing, having someone I can talk to. Having someone to talk to me in a way that makes me feel desirable.
I don’t really want to have an “affair” affair. I want a friendship I suppose and if it grows into something more then I’ll deal with that then, but for now I wish I didn’t have to be here. I wish I knew someone I could call up and say, “hey let’s go out and get a drink”; and he comes over and picks me up and I dress in something hot and sexy and go out with him and have fun and not think about the man up stairs.
But these things can be so tedious, joining these sites and trying to build connections with people. I figure if you can’t trust the one you’re lying in bed with every night you can’t trust anybody; but I’m so tired of this, tired of being in pain while he lies in bed and sleeps. I’m so tired of it.