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I’m trapped. Please help.

I’m at the end of my rope. I married my sweetheart 22 years ago, I’m 43 and she is 42. So much has change in our lives and I know with time comes change but not this much and like this. We have two kids. My son is now 18 and my daughter is 13.

My wife wanted to be a doctor so I worked 3 jobs for nearly 3 years to pay for her school. She is very smart but on her last year of college before she started medical we got pregnant with our son. It was a blessing and I was really happy and proud. After 6 months I secured a night job so that I can take care of our son and she goes to work as before and go to school at night. After a year of night work my wife never returned to school. I asked her when was she planning to return and flat out without any hesitation she said that her new goal now was been a mother. I was in shock.

We didn’t really argue but I was very upset that she did not return to school. Years has gone by and she just let her self go and I mean go. The person I fell in love with used to care for her self, put on make up, fixed her hair, wore dresses, heels and work out to stay really healthy and fit. Now I have a stranger that wears rags, sneakers and weights 250 pounds. If I dare to make any type of suggestion about her looks she breaks downs and I’m an ass. I can’t even looked at her naked.

Make matters worse my house loos like hell. We both took good care of our little sand caste as I used to call it when we got married. I always did all the yard work and repairs as needed as a man should and helped my wife with the interior too but she has slowly stop doing that too, so the outside and inside both fell on me. I’m working so hard I don’t have the energy to do so much anymore.

The yard is dead, she buys plants that she never takes care, carpet has stains everywhere, our furniture is ruined, hate having company because I have to clean like crazy to avoid embarrassment. If I ask my kids and her to clean or pickup something nicely it never gets done. It always gets to the point where I get really angry to get things done so now my wife and kids tell me that I’m mean and terrible.

I love my wife but I don’t feel I’m in love with her any more. My kids don’t respect me as they always run to her. I hate comming home but have no choice so I go straight to my room so I don’t have to look at the rest of my once beautiful home.

I can’t communicate with her or my kids. We seeked help several times before but every doctor and counselor that is on my favor she refuses to return to end the program. I’m so depress I go to te gym for a few hours and just run on the treadmill.

What should I do? Im really considering leaving. Will that make me a terrible father and husband? I don’t know what else to do. I dont feel it is fair to me. I worked so hard my entire life for what little I have and I have nothing to show for.

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Editor's Response

Hi Mr “At the End of My Rope”, unfortunately I am ill qualified to give any real advise. I am by no stretch of the imagination a marriage and relationships expert. I think such a person would be your best option for getting serious advise on what sounds like a very critical issue for you. I can only respond in general to what you’ve written and say how things sound to me and what I would do in the same situation. The thing about people telling you what they would do in the same situation is that they really have no idea what they would do. We discover ourselves as we experience life’s more challenging events.

My question to you would be whether you have said to your wife exactly what you’ve written here about the fact that you hate coming home and that you are seriously considering leaving. I’m sure you’ve spoken, complained, expressed your concerns and given more than enough signs and signals to show your displeasure, but your wife might be assuming that no matter how much you complain and walk around looking angry or miserable, you’re always going to be there so she can continue on as is and not really take things with the kind of gravity that forces change.

You sound like you love your family and that leaving wouldn’t be something you would do out of vengeance but rather just as a matter of self preservation; and you know what, people are going to automatically disagree, but at the end of the day self preservation is more important than the preservation of marriage and family. If you have to leave in order to have some semblance of a comfortable and peaceful life then that is what you have to do. Why should anyone suffer for the rest of their lives by being forced to remain living with someone they can’t stand to be anywhere near just because once upon a time they thought they loved this person so much that they married this person and had children with this person?

Love turns rotten sometimes and the more it rots the uglier and more toxic the environment becomes around the two people involved. Some marriages need to end for the sake of everyone affected by that ugly and toxic matter; but is your marriage one of those marriages? I have no way of knowing, but my feeling based on what you’ve written is that it might not be one of those hopelessly rotted marriages that need one or the other or both parties involved to call 1800divorce ASAP.

You seem to wish for things to get fixed. Maybe for there to be any hope of things getting fixed your wife needs a wake-up call. You need to tell her that you’re not happy and you’re considering leaving the marriage because no man should dread having to go home. Home should be where a man looks forward to going at the end of a long hard day. Be serious about it when you tell her things have to change. If you can afford to have another rent to pay, get an apartment. Tell her you’re going to move out at such and such a time if by that time XY and Z has not happened. Let her know you’re not looking for short term changes. You want your life back. You want her life back for her. You want a healthy environment for your children.

Be prepared though for the possibility that this is exactly what your wife wants. Sometimes we think we’re the only one wanting out. Your wife might hate to be there as much as you do and so make sure if you’re going to tell her that you’re moving out unless things change, you’ll be able to deal with it if she does not try to stop you but instead tells you she thinks that’s best.

Like I said, I’m not qualified to give advise. You should consider the above as just a suggestion of a possible way of approaching the situation. I recommend that you seek advise from someone who has qualifications in marriage and family counseling.

I wish you peace.

 

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Disclaimer: Editor's Response answers should not be taken for expert advice. The person behind the Editor's Response is not a relationship expert but just a regular member of the general public and all Editor's Response answers should be considered in the same light as an opinion given by a random individual on the street. Some Marriage questions are manufactured by Marriage Scene writers based on Internet research.
0 0 756 12 October, 2012 Marriage Answers October 12, 2012

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