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husbands friend trying to split us up

I don’t really know where to start… my husband started seeing an old friend about 6 months ago this old friend also happens to be an ex of mine and was nasty and cheated on me when we where together.
so this friend moves back to where we live has no where to say as his family have disowned him for causing trouble with them so my husband being nice said he could stay with us I wasn’t happy about it. So he gets here and all I hear him talking about is how all the girls he meets are hot and in his words how much he would like to bang them I really don’t think this is appropriate talk so I told this friend this and he kicked off saying its non of my business and that I’m a horrible wife and mother!
I never go out I always put my kids first I do every thing for my husband from waking him for work as hes lazy and will not get up him self, cooking ,cleaning ect.
also this friend is really in to smoking weed and asks my husband to go get it for him as he lost his license for driving under the influence my husband only has a work van and is not allowed to use it to go buy his friends weed and if he got found out he would loose his job! so I again told this friend this and that I do not want my husband doing it, Once again this friend tells my husband I need help and he should leave me?
this friend is also getting in to going to spiritual retreats and talking about stuff like the world is being run by aliens and the thinks hes a psychic healer and is 25,00 years old? always asking my husband to go on them even offers to pay. He sent my husband an email with all this rubbish in it to an email address he knows I also use so I replied saying that its a load of rubbish and he should lay off the drugs as its rotting his brain (weed is not the only drug his uses on a regular basis). He then messages my husband telling him again that I’m horrible and he should leave me also saying that other people are saying this about our relationship but he only talks to one other person that knows us and we have not seen or spoken to them for years.
I don’t know what to do any more this is making me depressed I can’t stop this friend for talking all this rubbish about me and hes made it clear to my husband that hes not going to stop. But my husband still insists on seeing this man. I love my husband and do not want to split up .

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Editor's Response

It sounds like your husband is unable to see for himself that this friend is not someone with whom he should be associating. That raises some questions about him that maybe you should be asking yourself. Assuming you are not living in a state where marijuana use/purchase is legal, your husband is willingly risking his freedom to purchase marijuana for this friend. Could this already be part of his lifestyle making it not necessarily a case of him putting his own freedom at risk to do a favor for this friend but more a case of him picking up some extra ounces for his friend while out buying some for himself; or his being willing to purchase the marijuana because he’s going to be using it with his friend?

It’s hard to really get a clear picture of your husband’s role in all this so please forgive any wrong assumptions; but it sounds like your husband is just sitting back and allowing his friend to disrespect you. Either he does not know that he’s supposed to protect and defend you or he simply does not care to protect and defend you. If it’s the case that he doesn’t care that his friend, who also happens to be your ex, is disrespecting his wife, that’s a bigger problem for you than the anything the friend is doing or saying.

From your description of the situation your husband sounds more to be the problem than the friend. Why is he allowing someone in his house who has no respect for his wife? Why does this friend feel comfortable enough to talk to you the way he does and to tell your husband these things about you? What does your husband say to his friend when the friend tells him you’re a horrible person and he should leave you? Why is your husband such good friends with this seemingly crass, ill-bred, drug-using individual that he would have him living in your house and freely expressing his negative opinions of you?

If the friend is still living with you the first thing is to insist on his leaving. It’s not your or your husband’s responsibility to look out for him. He’s an adult. He made his choices in life and is still apparently making the choices that caused him to end up where even his family won’t put him up. It’s his affair to fix. You and your husband clearly have things of your own to work out. You don’t need his presence in your home making your marriage less pleasant.

If you manage to get rid of him you need to then begin to ask yourself some questions about the state of your own life. It sounds from your own description like you’re married to someone who isn’t much different from the friend you say is trying to split you up. Your description makes your husband sound irresponsible, unreliable and not very loving towards or respectful of you. If I’m off the mark then I apologize for the mistake; but if there’s any truth in that you need to figure out if this is what you want for yourself, to be in a place where your own husband doesn’t think much of you and will allow unsavory characters into his home and permit them to speak to and about you with such blatant disrespect.

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Disclaimer: Editor's Response answers should not be taken for expert advice. The person behind the Editor's Response is not a relationship expert but just a regular member of the general public and all Editor's Response answers should be considered in the same light as an opinion given by a random individual on the street. Some Marriage questions are manufactured by Marriage Scene writers based on Internet research.
0 0 843 31 December, 2012 Marriage Answers December 31, 2012

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