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How do you forgive and forget your husband’s affair even after he impregnated the other woman

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I have been married for five years, I found out a week ago that my husband cheated on me five months ago. I suspected him at the time when one day, he came home very late and he received a text message on his phone, from another woman asking him whether he has reached home safely, when I confronted him, he denied anything was going on, and said that he was held up at his work place. The following day I went ahead and called the woman who had sent him the sms, she denied having an affair with my husband and she said all she had with him was business related.

I forgot about the matter and our marriage was okey, I never had a reason to suspect my husband again. Five months down the line everything was perfect, until last week when I received a text message telling me that I should tell my husband he can’t be a baby making machine and not take care of his baby. I was so shocked, i felt like somebody removed my heart from my chest literally, when I got courage I called the number back, a woman picked it and she said she was five months pregnant with my husband’s baby. she said that my husband had terminated the affair and she wanted to get back at him by letting me know about the affair and the baby.

I confronted my husband about it, he accepted and he was so remorseful, telling me to forgive him, that he will never do it again, he claims that he loves me very much but its his fault that he slipped from the marriage road. he confirmed that its the same woman, I had asked him about five months ago. He said he only had sex with her for three times, and that he had used a condom the first time and it broke, he claims that he would never want to put me at risk of STD and HIV, so the following time they met they went for HIV tests and when they were told they were negative they had sex that day and one other day, since then he terminated the affair, all these details were confirmed by the other woman, who told me she has never seen my husband again for five months.

I feel so hurt, I have cried a lot but nothing seems to take the pain away, I feel so disgusted thinking of my husband having sex with another woman and then coming home to sleep with me. Even if my husband has apologized telling me that he regret what he did, and if there is a way he can undo what happened he can, I still feel pain in my heart. How do I forgive him and how do I forget the affair and especially now that there is a child involved? will I be able to trust him again? somebody kindly advise me, or tell me your thoughts?

 

Editor’s Response

Caroljay, I am sorry for what you are going through. I can only imagine how painful it must be not just to find out that your husband had an affair and originally lied to you about it, but now to have the complication of him having gotten the woman pregnant. This is really too serious a crisis for you to rely on advise from people who can only offer an opinion based on what they personally think of the situation and how they think they might handle it if they were in your shoes.

If at all possible you should really seek professional guidance as you try to figure out what is the right choice for you in handling the situation. Members of the general public, that includes myself, can only act like sideline spectators who will either cheer you on to stay and fight for your marriage or scream at you to get out now. You need a rational thinking person who is able to resist the temptation to rush to judgement, who will know the right questions to ask you in order to help you make the decision that is in your best interest.

To address some of your expressed concerns:

I feel so hurt, I have cried a lot but nothing seems to take the pain away

Unfortunately only time will take the pain away; and there’s no way to say how much time it will take before it stops hurting as badly as it hurts now; but you will stop crying eventually. It’s not always helpful to hear people say that other people have gone through what you’re going through; but there are many women who can identify with what you’re going through right now as far as dealing with the hurt and pain of knowing your husband cheated because they’ve gone through it and they’ve survived it; and you will survive it.

I feel so disgusted thinking of my husband having sex with another woman and then coming home to sleep with me

This is perfectly understandable. Any wife would feel this way. It was a disgusting thing for your husband to do; but it’s an action some men don’t give a second thought to taking–jumping from one woman’s body to another in the same night. Unfortunately there are husbands who cheat on wives with whom they have an active sex life; so they will often leave from having sex with their lover to go home and have sex with their wife. All too often they do this without taking any kind of precaution; and these are just some of the things you have to weigh when deciding what is in your best interest to do. It isn’t just a broken heart that a woman can be left with when her husband steps out and starts sleeping with other women and as you try to decide whether or not you’re willing to take the risk of trusting that your husband won’t cheat on you again, you should factor in how irresponsible he was the first time around. To have slept with a woman only 3 times and changed everybody’s life by getting her pregnant, this is not the behavior of a sexually responsible man.

How do I forgive him and how do I forget the affair and especially now that there is a child involved?

For the very fact that there is a child involved, forgetting will be virtually impossible; and based on the actions to date of the other woman you can be sure your husband isn’t going to be allowed to just get on with his life as if the child does not exist. She fully intends to make him pay royally. As to forgiving your husband, you will discover in time whether you truly can or not. Some women can keep on going in their marriage while in their heart they hate their husband for hurting them and haven’t forgiven him even after decades have passed; but in a situation like that no one’s really happy.

will I be able to trust him again?

You can choose to trust him again, but only time will reveal to you whether choosing to trust him again was the right thing to do or a mistake. It’s a risk and you have to decide whether it’s a risk you’re willing to take or not. You can’t control your husband’s choices. That is a reality you have to face. You can only control your choices. So whether or not he’s going to cheat on you again isn’t something you can control. Whether or not you’re going to give him the opportunity to cheat on you again, that you can control.

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Disclaimer: Editor's Response answers should not be taken for expert advice. The person behind the Editor's Response is not a relationship expert but just a regular member of the general public and all Editor's Response answers should be considered in the same light as an opinion given by a random individual on the street. Some Marriage questions are manufactured by Marriage Scene writers based on Internet research.
0 17 4451 23 April, 2013 Marriage Answers April 23, 2013

17 comments

  1. Kim Franklin

    You are misunderstanding… Men can have sex without emotion or a connection to a woman. I think that is proven every day! Women, usually need that emotional connection first before they have sex with a man. Of course, when a man and women connect emotionally that is a gift..thats how we BECOME HUSBAND AND WIFE! I was just saying, men can love their wife and have cold blooded sex with the other woman without having that emotional connection to her! The emotional connection he has with his wife, is what brings him home. The emotional connectionn with the other woman, is what makes him leave. Sex with love and emotion—its better than affair sex any day of the week!

    Reply
  2. Maddy Scott

    This happened to me as well. It felt like a nightmare and still does 3 years later. I’m still waiting to wake up. I found out about the child and affair when the child was 3 months old…a daughter that I always wanted due on my birthday. Can it get an uglier? The woman he chose to have an affair with lived 8 hours away. How awesome for him, easier for him to hide her because he never wanted to be with her. Apparently, he led her on so she wouldn’t tell me anything. However, he continued to lead her on even when I found out. This woman is no saint and is just as evil as the man I married 10 years ago. However, she feels that the child she made with a married man is more important than the two boys I had with him 8 and 9 years prior. I support him, and our 2 kids and have for 3 years alone. I feel like the biggest idiot however, not as stupid as the whore who drove 8 hours to screw my husband at his bosses house because she knew he was married and couldn’t come to our marital home. Our income tax refund went to her this year. It’s disgusting how she would accept money from a woman who’s life she tried to take… from a woman who’s children suffer because of her choice to be an easy whore and a woman who knew my husband was cutting her off so she gets pregnant by him. Claiming she was on birth control, in nursing school, previously married with only 1 child. Please, that wasn’t a mistake. The only mistake was her giving her attention to a married man and hoping for a happily ever after. Now the daughter is growing up with a whore as a mom and an absent father. Great choices! The father has to stay away from the child because the mother is crazy and tries to cause trouble in the marriage because she still wants the man I married and we know how far to extreme she will go to get what she wants… like bringing an innocent child in the world. Let me just say this, time doesn’t heal.. 3 years later- I hate them both though I’m still with my husband just like the editors response said. I do hope karma exists because they both will get what they deserve without me paying for their choices. This is the worst thing you can do to someone. Men wouldn’t cheat if women would start using their heads and stop being so easy! Easy got her no where… she’s still single and raising 2 kids alone. I hope she enjoys the money from me…we all know that whores get paid for sex.

    Reply
    1. zozo

      U r diffending ur man his also a whore . It takes 2 to make a baby n if u keep on diffending him like u do his gonna bring more kids out of marriege. Ur man was supposed to use condom as to protect his marriege n u frm STI. Dont call the woman a whore coz ur went to her. Man r cruel he can do it again

      Reply
  3. shalonda88

    I understand im going threw the exact same thing right now the girl he cheated with is 3 months pregnant and i cant sleep think im very depressed over this i tell myself is it better to start over and find a man who will never do this to me or stay and deal with the pain that can go on for the rest of my life i think im going to leave because i cant deal with drama pain and i want a man that i can look at with love not heartache

    Reply
  4. Meme

    Im going thru the exact same thing. Its such a nightmare all i do is cry. I dont even wanna tell anyone because im so embarrassed and ashamed. I lovemy husband so much, this just hurt me to my core. I felt like my whole marriage is torn apart. He is my bestfriend. Been married for 5 years, together for 8. Have 3 Beautiful children together. He’s all i know. I haven’t even thought about another man since we have been together. It all started before Christmas and he didnt come home. I was worried and stressed out couldn’t sleep. We were going thru a little tough time but nothing major where i wanted to leave him. He was struggling in his business so everything was on me. I had to hold things down plus going to school. We had lost our vehicle but i didnt try to make him feel bad. I encouraged him. But somehow the devil thru this bitch (homewrecker hoe) in the picture. Here we are 3 months later and this biitch is pregnant. Just ruined my life. It was a major blow because we were fine. Just had our anniversary 2 months ago and now a Mystery bitch is pregnant. On top of the 3 kids we have, he has 6 other children. So this will make #10. He cant afford no extra kids. Hes already has child support debt from here to Mars and im trying my best to help him with that. On top of his other kids whom he cant really Have a relationship with because theyre out of state. But its just so much. I feel lost, helpless, like a stupid fool. I thought about leaving but where am i going. We have 3 little kids together. We were just fine. Ive put alot of energy into this marriage. I dont really believe in abortions although i was forced to get one as a teen. But i wish she would get one. Im praying it doesnt workout at all. Ive never imagined my marriage to come to this. I wish i could erase this moment and the pain. I forgave him. But im still hurting. I need help for this hurt.

    Reply
    1. zozo

      The choice is urs bt ur man doesnt think . Deal with him n ask him wat is tht makes him cheat. Coz by the look of things more babies r coming

      Reply
  5. Phathiswa

    I am also going through a hard time, I was in college in onother country, my husband had an affair behind my back, he took this girl to our home, slept with her in our bed. I asked him abt this girl , she was half naked in our bedroom and my hubby took a pic of her, he denied everything , he told me it’s his cousin’s friend. I asked him why this girl had him as a profile pic in her whatsapp he got angry at me saying I’m accusing him. I had a break at school nd went to our home , one day he was from work , he was working a night shift. He suddenly fell asleep bcos he was tired from work, a massage clicked in his phone , I read it nd it was his mistress saying where will he end with his lies. Another sms went in and this time this girl said “babe I’m pregnant and u are my only Hope . I was very hurt , we were preparing to do our anniversary in a traditional way in Dec 2015. Even today I can’t stop thinking about this , I dropped out in college to look after my home bcos bitches wrecked it. I’m still in deep pain, I sometimes lock myself in my bedroom and cry . He apologized for this but I don’t trust him at all. Even when he goes to garage to fill his car, my mind just say he just trying a way to his mistress . This girl is still pregnant and will be due in winter

    Reply
    1. Meme

      I hate you have to go thru this. I have been struggling to cope with everything. My life has truly spent out of control. I dont even know what i am or who i am. Everytime i think about my betrayal i get every emotion i could possibly have. I feel so lost im so hurt. All i do is freaking cry. Since all of this happened now he has a warrant out for his arrest for child support from his oldest child so now hes facing 6 months in jail. Karma is something else. I dont want him to go to jail but if this is what it takes to get him to see the pain and mess he has caused in our family then hey… But it sucks because i truly truly truly truly truly love my husband with all my heart and i never imagined us going thru this because we had a very close relationship. Hes going thru it and im going thru it so the tension is thick in the air.

      Reply
  6. Coveredbythebloodofjesus

    Be strong ladies I too am going through the same thing. The other woman is about 9 months pregnant . My husband knew her for 30 days and she got pregnant. Yes this is hurtful but remember they will reap what they sow. This woman’s first child is from someone else’s man. She was expecting for me to leave my husband. She built her plan on me leaving but her plan backfired. We are waiting until this baby is born to get the DNa test done and we will go from there. I have been pregnant since this discovery but lost it due to stress. Remember ladies the other woman will always be miserable her situation was started on a lie. Women may not know if who they are dealing with are married but they know they are taken. I’m staying strong for my family.these woman that have these children think it’s going to make the man stay but it doesn’t. I will be taking her to court once she has this baby because in nc it is illegal to have an affair. She has to learn that this behavior is unacceptable .

    Reply
    1. Jamie Purupati

      My god! You blame the other woman for everything. You made your vows with your husband, it was your husband’s responsibility to respect and honor his vows. It’s easier to blame TOW then it is to blame your husband, whom you love, isn’t it?

      Reply
  7. Mrs Naive

    I am going through the same situation, I just found out that my husband cheated on me and has an 1.5 year old son. His mistress said they had an affair on and off for 9 years! How could I be so blind? I had no idea my husband was cheating on me. He came home every night, was never late home from work, treated me and my children so well, did everything for us. I just feel so naive, I actually thought to myself so many times how could I be so lucky to have such a wonderful husband, and yet he does this to me!?? He has decided that he does not want anything to do with the child, his mistress is married and has 2 children-she cheated on her husband as well and her husband is staying with her and supporting her and the illegitimate child. So it does take some burden off of me that I won’t have to see this child, but it sounds so cold of me but I’m not the one who put us in this horrible situation and hurt so many lives and it’s not the child’s fault either. I have decided to stay with my husband and work things out. He no longer works with her anymore, he works at my place of employment and I don’t think he would never do this to me again, but yet is it my naiviness again?

    Reply
  8. Mitchelle

    Iam 8 months pregnant and the mistress is 6 weeks pregnant.it’s our first born.i coudnt stop crying.i forgave him but the pain doesnt go away.he told me it was a 1night stand and he doesnt love her.but my problem is will i ever trust him again?i doubt.we bought a huge house for the baby,we were having a perfect life.i thought of a divorce,then i thought what if where i go it’s gonna be worse than this.i believe him.but theres a baby involved.which means this mistress is gonna be part of our daily lives.she want money now and then for these and that as if he’s a money machine.i decided to stay strong and fight for my marriage.iam taking one step at a time.but this shit hurts,no matter how strong you are.i know i still love my husband

    Reply
  9. Wendy

    I am going through the same thing. My husband cheated on me. He says it was a one night stand and he felt bad about it. When I found out I was heartbroken. We decided to go to therapy. And we were doing well. I thought I forgave the affair but a week ago we found out the she is pregnant and it is my husband’s child. I dont know what to do and my husband wants to support the child financialy to ease his conscious.

    Reply
    1. The Voice for Men (and I'm a woman!)

      Why should he have to pay child support for a child he did not want!! I get so upset when women have a child knowing that the man is married. He never had a choice to choose to have an abortion. If he would have been given that choice, do you really think he would have birthed the baby!?? God NO! These women are so freaking stupid!! These little whores just want to entrap married men so why in the hell should the man have to pay for it! He’s not the one that decided to have the child. He did not have a say in this matter. If she wants to deliver the child than it should be her responsibility to take care of the child, if she fully knows that the father does not want it, than women don’t have it!! Get the after pill, that’s what it is for! Use protection! Get an abortion! These women just want the man so bad that they will do anything to keep him. Go get your own man, you whores!!

      Reply
      1. zozo

        Small minds thinks very small. The are condoms and even free ones,y didnt he use a condom from the first place? His is not scared of HIV ne. Always its all about babies pregnancy bt forgetting HIV . Men must also take responsebilities of their lifes n marrige. Condom or stick to their wifes thats all. Think out of the box dear please. Abortion is not a solution here. There r many married ppl who want babies bt cant have, n a child is gift from God . U wer not killed coz ur parent valued the gift of life n had u irrespective of whatever they had to face. Stop promoting something tht is not write. Both must take responsibility of the baby thts all.

        Reply
        1. Don't worry about it

          This isn’t always the case. In my situation boyfriend was in a bad place and got drunk. Woman knew he had a girlfriend and pursued anyways. A condom was used and he pushed her off and went home without finishing. Condom was intact. She still got pregnant. She didn’t tell him she was pregnant until the kid was 3 months. He would have had her give it up for adoption or had an abortion. But she didn’t care. She just wanted more money for her and her other kids and wanted a father for all 3 of her kids. So no, he didn’t get a choice. And don’t give me that bullshit of he shouldn’t have made a mistake because it could have easily been me. But i would have done something about it, I would not have a kid that wasn’t wanted and I would never force anyone else to. A child has the right to be brought up by people who love it. And we’re doing just fine for all you judgemental people out there. People make mistakes. And there are consequences. But EVERYONE has a right to make a choice.

          Reply
      2. FedUp, Still Diva & Boujee

        When you go through this enough with your husband, you’ll see things differently. The victims of inadequate marital behavior isn’t the children, however they are greatly affected by it. I think trash ass chics that choose to have sex with married men is selfish, and every other pathetic word. But your husband is also just as nasty and trashy. So this would suggest why “get your own man” isn’t yours either.

        I’m married and have dealt with infidelity on my husband’s behalf physically and an emotional connection I gather he was brewing with anyone chic and the new internet Thotville tramps silly men fall for. Well, I’ve stayed but I know my worth and unlike some of these comments I’m going to tell you to walk the fukc away from him. If you don’t, you’re going to miss out on what could have been an awesome life for you. Quit debating on the pros and con’s ladies. Stop it! Anything you do worth a dam dime to you, you have to put in some work. So dating again will give you a chance to shine and build.

        “Truck” the fact you been married 20+ years. So! You want another 20 like that? No honey, let my husband act a fool ever again about any dam thing, I’m out like yesterday orgasm that got his dumb ass in trouble in the first place. Sometimes I get angry and think, “what!” You mean as fine as I am, educated as I am, bold yet meek, humble, sweet and loving as I am, YOU had the nerve to breech our vows? Embarrass our family? Shame our kids? Share your private parts with another chic AND did it willfully knowing you are married?!!! And I’ve been faithful….. Are you effing kidding me! I could have slept with any man I want,arrived any man I want and you feel you can do this to me AND think there’s further compromise? Ladies, look be ghost like yesterday.

        At some point, you have to get the hell on.

        Reply

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