Here is another letter that I wrote to my husband. I am regretful to have to admit that this letter is fairly recent. It would be nice to be able to say that my husband and I don’t have problems any more like we used to; but the reality is that problems in marriage are ongoing. Problems don’t go away. When it’s not one thing it’s usually another. Recently I have found it very difficult dealing with my husband and our sex life. Years ago a friend of mine suggested the reason my marriage was still going even though my husband and I have had so many problems is because of sex. We were still having sex and still enjoying it; but she promised me that there was going to come that day when he’d stop doing it for me and then I wasn’t going to be able to find a reason to keep on going in the marriage because there was nothing to hold my husband and me together outside of sex. I don’t know if she’s exactly right but I am starting to really struggle to see what it is that my husband and I have that is valuable enough to keep fighting for.
This letter is about my frustration with my husband for the way he seems to want nothing from me except for sex.
One of these days I’ll stop trying so you don’t have to worry you’ll keep getting unwanted letters from me forever. I get the feeling you’re upset because I didn’t have sex with you last night. I’m upset too. I’m upset about the fact that you think you can come home from work, barely say hello to me but come into bed where I’m sleeping and just right away start pulling up my clothes and making a beeline for my vagina. You have no idea how much damage you do every time you approach me like this. Even if I go through with it and have sex with you, even if I end up having an orgasm myself, you make me feel like I’m a thing that you don’t have any use for except sex; and it’s not that you want me. It’s just that I’m there and I have a hole that’s good enough to use so why not use it? And the more you make me feel like a thing that serves only one useful purpose in your life, the more I hate it when you touch me.
I don’t understand why you would want to have sex with me anyway. You act like you don’t like me. You act like you don’t have any interest in me as a person. Maybe you don’t realize that I’m not the type of person who can just jump on top of some guy and ride him like it’s the most pleasurable thing in the world while I feel in my heart like I mean nothing to him and he has no interest in me outside of the time spent having sex. And no matter what you say, your actions continue to tell me the same thing they’ve been telling me for years. I’m nothing special to you. You come into bed and put your arms around me for 2 seconds before you start pulling up my skirt or pulling down my panties; and if I complain you turn away abruptly like you’re saying to me “go to hell then. I don’t give a crap about you anyway.”
I’m at a point now where I realize nothing is going to come of trying to talk to you. You don’t really care. You make it pretty clear that you don’t want to hear anything I have to say and I’m about sick and tired of wasting my breath and wasting my thoughts on someone who couldn’t care less one way or another how I truly deeply feel. I’ve been fighting for years for this relationship but I just don’t feel much like fighting any more. I’m more or less at a place of realizing we don’t really have a relationship and we never will and there’s really nothing here to fight for. You don’t love me. You never have. You never will, and it’s only a matter of time before you’ll leave because things aren’t getting any better and the only reason you were staying was because you were still being allowed to dip your stick in the hole; but with me getting to where I’m just not caring anymore what happens to us, and just not being able to bring myself to keep letting you use my body for sex, what will you stay around for?
So I wrote this letter and gave it to my husband. He read it and offered some feedback while he was reading it, mostly objecting to the accusations. I asked him to just read the whole thing before commenting. He read it all through then simply wrote on the back of the sheets of paper I had printed out and given to him “You are wrong about all of this.”
Do I think I’m wrong about it all? Look, I can’t speak for someone else about what they feel and what they don’t; but the feelings I expressed to my husband in the letter didn’t just spring out of no where with no basis for their existence. My husband never touches me except in a sexual way; and my husband touches me constantly. His hands are always either under my blouse or under my skirt. He’s always slapping my ass. He’s always pinching my nipples. I know some people will say I should be glad because there’s going to come a day when no man will want to touch me, not even my husband; but the reality of the matter is, I am a person with individual thoughts and feelings about things; and I cannot start saying thank you every time my husband comes up behind me and starts feeling me up. I can’t tell myself “be happy about this because one day not too long from now you won’t be in any way sexually appealing to any man. Be grateful your husband still can’t keep his hands off you.” All I can do is just feel the frustration of being reminded every day that my husband will only interact at any great length with me to try to get sex from me. It is difficult to receive being treated like sex is all someone wants from you as being something for which be grateful.