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To my husband who has no use me except for sex

Here is another letter that I wrote to my husband. I am regretful to have to admit that this letter is fairly recent. It would be nice to be able to say that my husband and I don’t have problems any more like we used to; but the reality is that problems in marriage are ongoing. Problems don’t go away. When it’s not one thing it’s usually another. Recently I have found it very difficult dealing with my husband and our sex life. Years ago a friend of mine suggested the reason my marriage was still going even though my husband and I have had so many problems is because of sex. We were still having sex and still enjoying it; but she promised me that there was going to come that day when he’d stop doing it for me and then I wasn’t going to be able to find a reason to keep on going in the marriage because there was nothing to hold my husband and me together outside of sex. I don’t know if she’s exactly right but I am starting to really struggle to see what it is that my husband and I have that is valuable enough to keep fighting for.

This letter is about my frustration with my husband for the way he seems to want nothing from me except for sex.

The letter

One of these days I’ll stop trying so you don’t have to worry you’ll keep getting unwanted letters from me forever. I get the feeling you’re upset because I didn’t have sex with you last night. I’m upset too. I’m upset about the fact that you think you can come home from work, barely say hello to me but come into bed where I’m sleeping and just right away start pulling up my clothes and making a beeline for my vagina. You have no idea how much damage you do every time you approach me like this. Even if I go through with it and have sex with you, even if I end up having an orgasm myself, you make me feel like I’m a thing that you don’t have any use for except sex; and it’s not that you want me. It’s just that I’m there and I have a hole that’s good enough to use so why not use it? And the more you make me feel like a thing that serves only one useful purpose in your life, the more I hate it when you touch me.

I don’t understand why you would want to have sex with me anyway. You act like you don’t like me. You act like you don’t have any interest in me as a person. Maybe you don’t realize that I’m not the type of person who can just jump on top of some guy and ride him like it’s the most pleasurable thing in the world while I feel in my heart like I mean nothing to him and he has no interest in me outside of the time spent having sex. And no matter what you say, your actions continue to tell me the same thing they’ve been telling me for years. I’m nothing special to you. You come into bed and put your arms around me for 2 seconds before you start pulling up my skirt or pulling down my panties; and if I complain you turn away abruptly like you’re saying to me “go to hell then. I don’t give a crap about you anyway.”

I’m at a point now where I realize nothing is going to come of trying to talk to you. You don’t really care. You make it pretty clear that you don’t want to hear anything I have to say and I’m about sick and tired of wasting my breath and wasting my thoughts on someone who couldn’t care less one way or another how I truly deeply feel. I’ve been fighting for years for this relationship but I just don’t feel much like fighting any more. I’m more or less at a place of realizing we don’t really have a relationship and we never will and there’s really nothing here to fight for. You don’t love me. You never have. You never will, and it’s only a matter of time before you’ll leave because things aren’t getting any better and the only reason you were staying was because you were still being allowed to dip your stick in the hole; but with me getting to where I’m just not caring anymore what happens to us, and just not being able to bring myself to keep letting you use my body for sex, what will you stay around for?

So I wrote this letter and gave it to my husband. He read it and offered some feedback while he was reading it, mostly objecting to the accusations. I asked him to just read the whole thing before commenting. He read it all through then simply wrote on the back of the sheets of paper I had printed out and given to him “You are wrong about all of this.”

Do I think I’m wrong about it all? Look, I can’t speak for someone else about what they feel and what they don’t; but the feelings I expressed to my husband in the letter didn’t just spring out of no where with no basis for their existence. My husband never touches me except in a sexual way; and my husband touches me constantly. His hands are always either under my blouse or under my skirt. He’s always slapping my ass. He’s always pinching my nipples. I know some people will say I should be glad because there’s going to come a day when no man will want to touch me, not even my husband; but the reality of the matter is, I am a person with individual thoughts and feelings about things; and I cannot start saying thank you every time my husband comes up behind me and starts feeling me up. I can’t tell myself “be happy about this because one day not too long from now you won’t be in any way sexually appealing to any man. Be grateful your husband still can’t keep his hands off you.” All I can do is just feel the frustration of being reminded every day that my husband will only interact at any great length with me to try to get sex from me. It is difficult to receive being treated like sex is all someone wants from you as being something for which be grateful.

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To my husband who has no use me except for sex, 7.8 out of 10 based on 28 ratings

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1 37 5111 27 April, 2013 Dear Husband April 27, 2013

About the author

Hi, though my real name is not Soliel, it is the name I have chosen to represent myself here. I am a freelance writing wife and mother who is in no way an expert in the subject of love and marriage. My posts, particularly any posts that appear to be giving advise or providing answers to questions, should be regarded as an expression of my personal opinion on the subject of discussion. Nothing I write is meant to be presented as if coming from an expert source. I have no professional qualifications or specialized knowledge in marriage and relationship fields of study. I am not a marriage counselor nor do I have any background in counseling. I present my thoughts much in the same light as a mother, sister or friend might. I only hope to help contribute to the ongoing conversation about love and marriage relationships and what makes them succeed or fail. If you disagree with something I write you are welcome to share your thoughts by leaving a comment. I do get to approve or disapprove my comments so please keep in mind that comments intended to offend are not likely to be approved. If anything I write offends anyone I do offer my sincere apology.

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  1. Sickofbeingnothing

    I have lived. Withthatfor20 years and a sick of being just used. Therein of foreplay no kissing nothing mostly he hardly speaks to me but people think heirs such a nice guy.

    1. Anymous

      Thanks for sharing my story! The story that I’ve decided most recently isn’t worth the happy ever after! Something changed some months back and or is it that I became aware…aware that the man I’ve raised my children with, the man that I chose to spend the rest of my life with, is no longer worth my cause!? Proving to me daily I mean nothing more to him than passing his cold body against mine nightly…proving to me daily that he, as well as I, are going through the motions…we don’t talk, we scream, we text instead of talking out our problems, well that’s it! Problem solved over texting…no communication, ignoring phone calls, blaming his phone for no battery, too busy @ work. When we own the business, too busy BC he’s addicted to Facebook! Our life is a fairytale, a facade for all the town to believe! How I wish he only believed his own bs! Its over and we’re both “too comfortable” to move on!

    2. Genie

      Wow, I thought I was alone in this, it’s not something many women talk about or at least in my circle. I’m having the same concerns and it drives me nuts too. We all have different tolerance levels in how and what we’re willing to take from our husbands, but ladies, don’t be fooled. I’ve read many of these responses and there is a huge difference between having communication and sexual incompatibility issues than a husband who is addicted to porn or cheating physical or emotionally. That’s a whole other post and level of therapy. I feel for you! However, I can barely take this sexual incompatibility issue in my marriage. Those other issues would most definitely be deal breakers! And if you have children don’t think for one second that they don’t notice the dysfunction. What are you setting them up for?! It is so important for you to value yourself if your husband does not, see that value so that your daughters see it too and your sons know a woman should be valued! I understand so many people cheat but just because so many people do, does it make it ok? Cheaters are Assholes, period.

  2. Tiffany

    Thank you for sharing this… I have been facing this for almost 6 years now. And I say enough is enough. I would rather be a single mother then to continue to live my life this way. I’m tired of crying and being angry.

    1. Tamryn

      I’ve been dealing with it for a few years as well. This morning we were screaming at each other about it in front of the kids. I try to get him to not fight in front of them but he doesn’t care. Last night he told me he didn’t care I’d he woke them up fighting. If I say no it’s like the end of the world. At this point, I guess it’s the end of our world together…

  3. Mtmama

    Ditto all of that here too….my husbands gropes and pinches are repulsive to me because I am just a thing to him…and that has made me feel like an empty shell. He has no respect or tenderness for me…probably never did. Couple that with the fact that he’d rather feed his passion for porn and webcam sessions with god knows who…..he obviously would rather nurture these false ‘relationships’ than bother tending to our marriage…

  4. Wish Free

    I cried reading this. My husband is eeerily similar. Though I think he uses sex to manipulate too. He will avoid me except to mock me or talk about unimportant things because “our marriage is fine”.

  5. John Mcdonald

    I use to be like ur husband always wants sex but I finally see and understand and and accept that I was selfless to think like that because nobody told me that when u have children everything will change and I was still feel that we were boyfriend and girlfriend and I never see my wife become a mother I never really show her appreciation I always think sex what’s an asshole i am there’s more to this story but I have to go sorry….

      1. Maria

        That’s BS i’m italian and that’s just not true….he’s making lame excuses that you shouldn’t accept even if he tries to convince you that it’s pefectly normal somewhere else… if it doesnt feel right for you then it doesnt matter if the whole world thinks its ok! Xx

        1. Michelle Federici

          I am pretty sure it’s a control thing. He likes things HIS WAY ! He doesn’t even spend time with his only son who is 9. Keeps saying he is too small! Also I’m tired of his latest rant saying I owe him all my time since he “carried me” for the past 21 years of our marriage

  6. Empty

    I also could’ve written this.
    He just doesn’t get it. Or doesn’t care to get it.
    He will even ask me point blank for sex when he KNOWS I don’t want to. He will nag, make me feel guilty, he’ll sulk, he’ll even ask if he can just cum on my breasts if I don’t want sex. He doesn’t seem to care when he pushes me to the point of saying “fine, do what you want but I’m not moving or helping” .. He will STILL go about his business, while I literally lay motionless. It doesn’t bother him as long as he has a hole to ejaculate into.
    He sneaks off to watch porn, for reasons other than to masturbate. I’ve caught him talking to girls behind my back, even telling one that his relationship with me was pretty much over. Ive caught him browsing the “casual encounters” ads more than once.
    He’s lied so many times about so many things and this is where it all started. Each lie he told made me back away a little more, in turn this reduced the amount of sex we were having. But as this happened, he started complaining for it more, pressuring me etc rather than focusing on the trust he’d broken, he was only worried about his d*ck. He’d even try to use sex as a way of fixing things – which of course left him feeling fixed and me wondering how much of this can I take?
    He also knows I have depression, he doesn’t care. I’ve contemplated suicide many times because I feel he’s trapped me. I’m alienated from ALL friends – online and real life.
    I have two beautiful children – it is only them keeping me going. I lost my own mother to suicide, I couldn’t make my girls go through that.

    1. just a thought

      Empty, no person is worth you taking your life over. If you don’t want to be with him, how can you contemplate leaving the kids with him…You are worth every single breath you take. Please, get some help so you can find a better way. I’m by no means a professional, but my heart hurts reading your post…

    2. Carla

      Empty… Text me? I don’t mind sending you video to show that I’m not a creeper or some quack perv… I’m just a mom of 3 and had/have all of the same problems. It’s such a horrible feeling to feel completely worthless and used. None of my friends like coming around… Not bc he’s mean to them but ignores the shit out of everyone and makes everyone feel uncomfortable. Most days I wish I could run away to a deserted island with my kids and just live… Bc this isn’t living
      [Admin Edit: Included phone number removed for your protection. To communicate privately with another member, please consider signing up for an account and using the private messaging system]
      I’m not very sociable anymore myself but I’d love to get a text just to see what things may or may not have worked or at least helped;)
      Love and peace,

      1. Empty

        Hi, I’m the original “empty” poster. Wish I could say life is now better, but it’s not. His behaviour is the same still, if not worse. Some nights he’ll disappear anywhere between 4-8hrs with no explanation. I’ve wanted to leave but he takes my car (with the youngest child’s car seat still in it) and my phone and leaves me home with the children. I haven’t confided to anyone in my life at all about what’s going on – not that I really have anyone anyway. I do have friends I’ve known many years, and I know at least one of them would be there if I needed her, even though our contact is now an occasional Facebook msg every few months and a visit every couple of years (despite only a 20min drive distance).
        Our house is in his name as he bought it before we met so I’m constantly reminded that if I leave, I leave with nothing despite the fact that I sold all my belongings when I moved in (couches, bedsuites, refrigerator, washer etc) as he said there was no need to have two of everything – and there wasn’t.
        I don’t have the means to fully furnish another house, nor the $3000 needed upfront to rent one.
        I’m too embarrassed to tell my family but I also know they’d fully understand and offer help and a place to stay. But I can’t bring myself to start all over again with my kids. And certainly not when he’s told me he’ll make my life hell.
        It looks like I won’t have a choice soon though. He’s decided to sell the house but there’s no plan on what happens next. He doesn’t know if he’ll buy or rent next, nor what suburb. The eldest is upset as her school is a few hundred metres away from where we are and two of her best friends are also only a few houses away. I went to at least 6 different primary schools and 4 different high schools due to moving constantly. It breaks my heart to think of putting her through anything remotely similar.

        It’s 1am and I’ve rambled on. So sorry!
        My best advice would be to leave if you have the means. Like you said, this isn’t living. Don’t let it suck your soul away.
        I feel like I’ve resigned to the fact that I’m not living, im simply existing (surviving?). I had a troubled childhood and witnessed many things and experienced things no child ever should. I feel I’m done, all spent, drained emotionally. I just don’t have anything left in me after years of always dealing with one thing after another. So if you still have something left in you, then use it to get out. Show your kids what it’s supposed to look like – a happy mum, a mum with friends, just the normal things that you get with a normal family.

        Good luck and take care!

        Chase the smiles xx

    3. Sam

      I feel like you are married to my husband. It is 4:30 am I am in tears I swear this could be my husband I have 4 children I need someone to talk to I left a few weeks ago but I am a mess & its just to much right now. Im sorry you have to Deal with this its painful its heartbreaking its sickenning. Im sorry😔

  7. Tee

    I don’t think my husband really loved me and was using me for sex. He never cuddles with me. When he touches me, it’s only for sex.He loves watching porn.He constantly lies to me.He will say “I’m going to the store to get coffee” and be gone for hours.When I call him, he doesn’t answer his phone, and when he gets home it’s always an excuse. He left his phone in the truck or the battery in his cell went dead. He always ob FB but says it’s to talj to family. I recently saw a fb message he sent to his ex gf.He told her he loved her and asked her when was she going to take her place on the throne beside him as his queen…I was so hurt I confronted him and he said oh he was just snowblowing her, but I feel that he meant every word he said to her.I feel my husband and I have no emotional attachment, and his heart is not with me aanymore!

    1. Anonymous

      All the signs point to cheating. ex girlfriends are that for a reason. going through a ruff patch in your marriage and infidelity is entirely different. don’t stand for cheating. as long as you let him he will continue.

  8. Sarah

    Ladies, here’s a look from 35 years later. We started the same as you are now. It got so so bad with his refusals to share his thoughts and feelings (4years into relationship). I started finding things he refused to explain saying ” think what you want”. All I could do was connect the dots as he traveled for work lots! I came up with ugly torturous images and scenarios and learned to hate him. I let 10 years slide thinking he would come around. I spent the next ten waiting in between hope and disaster. Our communication sucked but the sex was getting better… I don’t believe for one second that he learned it in a book! Practice pages can’t teach what he learned to do in bed. But I believed it enough to stay for sex. Really it is all we have left. But now I see the answer to why he disregards me and my needs, why he has no remorse when he hurts my feelings, why he never has my back, why my feelings don’t matter.., ladies what we face is porn addiction. It teaches their brains that we are disposable, they detach from us each time their needs are met elsewhere. He went from playboy, to videos, to online porn (which if you don’t know how easy it is to find, look up ) then the real crap starts. This is when they learn to hide it from you because they develope multiple online accounts. Then they get tired of that cold screen and head to Craigslist…look under the column “personals”. What is he into? Look at the ads and you will see it’s all free sex (with awful people) but this is when it gets dangerous for you. Look up porn addiction symptoms, look up the stages of this disease, and most most most important DO NOT think that maybe you can fix it. Anything you do will be enabling to him and disabling to you. You are just s piece of meat to a porn addict. They don’t consider you REAL!

  9. Suzie

    My husband is also the same. We have been married for 20 years and initially he did not give me that impression that he was addicted to sex , but since the boom of the internet we have such a collection of sex toys we could probably open our own shop! He says it’s to make our sex life more fun but I disagree. It’s become an obsession to have sex everyday and with at least 1 toy. If I do not wish to use toys he becomes angry saying “what did I buy it for?” He used to take pictures of us performing sex and I used to have to dress up every single time! I thought it was revolting and confronting him about it was not an option. I imagine that he gets all these ideas from the internet because I have a suspicion he frequents websites when I am at work.He constantly tells me I owe it to him to give him what he wants since he’s been looking after me since the day we married. He says if it wasn’t for him I would probably be sitting somewhere on a beer-crate with no life or money! Now I’m no expert but I would classify that as some sort of bullying or controlling behaviour. He even gets angry if I do not finish work early so that he can have a porn session ! I am slowly feeling detached and unloved! If I deny him sex everyday he just ignores me like I don’t exist.

  10. Anonymous

    We are newly weds, of course I knwe the person I was marrying but it just feels different. He had a porn probably before and it never bothered me until he started deleting his history day to day. He knows I don’t care but still deletes it and for some reason frightens me. Also I believe because of the porn problem when we have sex it’s never been intimate no foreplay, minimal kissing and then bang it’s all about him getting off. Need I mention whne i was younger i was touched which still effects me and when i politely ask him to stop he continues anyways, and i laugh because idk what to do maybe im just a horrible wife. Which makes him believe its okay. It didn’t bug me until I realized this is what love or marriage is about. I’ve received a total of 3 compliments in four years. And a simple task like taking out the trash is being thoughtful as he says. I’m lost yes we are only 19 which yes I’m aware is young, but we have been together almost 5 years now. I completely love him and feel like if we were to separate my best friend and only person I can be me around will be lost. I’m torn….

  11. Sleepless

    I have stayed 13 years W/my husband no compliments lots of lies lots of porn and sex lots of wondering and questioning lots of sleepless nights just crying while he slept peacefully with a browser so full of porn they should be charging him to visit the sites. Ive heard many times he will change ,hes better now, or its not that bad. Ive always left and come home hes never changed hes also an alchoholic I have been gone 2 weeks now and the house looks the same as it did when I left. He invite the kids & I over and says he wants to spend time with me he then gets sex and back to his video game or phone. Its a never ending circle of worthless feelings & self hatred. They rarely ever change.


    I could have written this letter. My husbands only interactions with me are to try to have sex with me. The only places he ever touches me are my butt, vagina and boobs, even in front of my 4 kids. I get angry with him and tell him to stop but he keeps doing it. I am suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety and have been having suicidal thoughts. I tell him about my intrusive thoughts to kill myself and he just gets angry with me. He doesn’t care that I am in so much pain that I want to end my life. The only thing holding me back is the fact that my kids need me here. All he cares about is sex and if I don’t give it to him he hates me. Sometimes he will be nice to me until I give in and give him what he wants and then once he gets what he wants he just goes back to neglecting me. My husband too is addicted to porn and I feel like he expects me to perform like the women in the videos he watches. He doesn’t care that I just had a baby and it’s painful to me especially since I never get turned on because our relationship sucks. All he cares about is if he gets off. I don’t know what to do or how to make things better.

    1. LonelyHeart

      Trapped in Hell,
      Are you okay? I hope you are still not having suicidal thoughts. Please get professional help. Your babies need you. Has anything gotten better with your husband? A lot of what you wrote is so similar to how I feel my husband feels about me. I also think he hates me except to have sex and my husband touches me in front of the kids too. I hate it. He even tells me that I’m his property.

  13. LonelyHeart

    Like so many of you, I also could’ve written this letter. My husband constantly gropes me and asks for sex…. even when I’m sick and even in front of our two little ones. I can’t take it much longer. When I tell him to stop, he gets all mad and tells me I’m mean! Recently, while I was trying to give my ill son medicine, my husband was groping me. He’s nice to me when he wants sex, but other than that, he is extremely secretive (he deletes all browsing history, won’t let me ever see or hold his phone, etc.). It was just our 5th wedding anniversary and I asked him if he wanted to go to dinner and he acted all annoyed like it was a chore and said, “we’ll see.” We NEVER go out, just the two of us, and I thought it would be nice to go out to dinner, but he obviously does not want to. It hurts a lot. He also never compliments me, rarely kisses me (even during sex he doesn’t really kiss me), is very sarcastic to me, and has a very short temper. Although he is secretive, I have found out that he has a bit of a fetish…. women kickboxing and also feet. I think it’s bizarre. Has anyone else ever heard of this fetish? I also saw that he subscribes and pays for numerous sites for this fetish. Would this be considered a porn addiction? I also found out that he meets an ex-coworker who is female for lunch every now and then and saw some flirtatious texts between them with him primarily asking her to do gymnastic type activities in front of him. I feel as though he is definitely having an emotional affair. Do all of your husbands too never apologize even if they are blatantly wrong? Mine never ever will say he is sorry. Somehow he will twist things to blame me. It’s sad to see that so many of us are suffering. I just don’t know what to do.

    1. Aine

      Mine never said sorry too. If I pointed he is wrong than he will revenge it with having aggressive sex with me. I remember there was once when he punished me by biting me all over the body and my nipped swollen for a week of his doing. Since than I will be very careful when addressing his wrong doing as I don’t want to be treated like a whore by him. I want a divorce but in our culture it is an impossible option 🙁

  14. Linai

    Wow! What you wrote was word for word my exact same situation, actions of my husband and life! Unreal! Thank you for writing this.

  15. Sabrina

    It’s crazy we are all married to the same man. So it seems. I have been married to this man for 16 years. It’s so sad. Our husbands are suppose to be the one that make us feel beautiful, sexy, and safe. But they make us feel the complete opposite. And they don’t get it. I don’t think they ever will. Or care enough to. It’s like when we ask them to spend time with us and treat us like they love us. They act like we are asking them to cut their nuts off. The thing is if they really cared it wouldn’t be work for them at all. .. I just don’t know what to do. I. Just try to stand my ground. I have tried so many different ways to get him to understand. I don’t think he ever will.

  16. Starfire

    I too could have written this letter word for word. After reading all of the comments I am starting to think that maybe that is how most marriages are. Maybe anything other than that is just a stupid fairytale.
    I know my husband is really good at twisting everything around on me. He is constantly angry. He spends time with our children but refuses to do things as a family and certainly never with just the 2 of us.
    He has everyone around him fooled in to thinking he is kind hearted and caring. He tells me constantly that everyone around him is a stupid asshole.
    I have come to the realization that all the crap he has put me through is not because I am worthless but because he FEELS worthless and hates himself. He uses me to step on to make himself feel better. That’s why he keeps me around.
    I will leave. It will take time. I will because I know now that I’m better off alone. It will take time because I’m secluded with no job, money or vehicle. That’s how he likes it because he can control me better. I have to show my children that this is not what marriages are supposed to be. I will climb out of this hole that he has put me in and I will SHINE!!
    We as women are strong. We can take a lot. Think about how a diamond is made. Only after a great deal of pressure! You can do anything once you set your mind to it. You can shine too!

  17. Broke soul

    So I finally after 4 years of torture see I’m not alone with the crap I have to put up with, the oxygen theif that I’m bound too makes me feel like I’m a worthless nothing and I too have become very suicidal over his sexual addiction. He wants sex all the time or sex acts there was this one time I was very sick Im talking vomiting as soon as I had just vomited he came at me demanding I suck his you know what I yelled and said no it turned into a argument where he just stuck it in my hole anyway. He watches porn constantly behind my back and then wonders why I don’t like flashing him my body because I have no self esteem left and feel I’ll be judged because I don’t perform or look like the woman on the porn sites. Sex is morning and night I’m at the point that where I just lay there and don’t move because I’m not in the mood shame he doesn’t realise I’m not in the mood or want to jump on and ride him because sex to me is a chore that I have to do or I’m in trouble there’s no love and apparently according to him a relationship is about good sex. Last night even though we had sex as always it was boring for him and told me he should have paid someone at least he would have got a good hour those were his exact words.
    I tell you now if I didn’t have 2 kids I would have killed myself by now. I’m shiver when he touches me constantly taking my clothes off and fights with me if we don’t have it he loves to say to me ” you never have sex with me or suck me ” Omg I feel like getting inside his pee brain and giving him a wake up call I wish his friggin dick would turn black and fall off
    Sorry I needed to get that off my chest


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