I am in so much pain. My marriage has been over for years really but my husband plays these psychological games. He plays with my emotions because he knows he can. He doesn’t love me and he knows it and I know it, but he’ll swear up and down he loves me. For whatever reason he doesn’t want to end our marriage even though he knows he doesn’t really give a damn about me one way or another. He gets sex and even though it doesn’t really make any sense to me i’m starting to think the sex is the reason he wants to keep staying married to me even though he doesn’t have any interest in me except for that. I never wanted to believe it was possible that a man would stay married just so he could keep a woman around for sex but I realize that’s the only reason my husband is still here.
SO I guess when he stops wanting to have sex with me it won’t take anything for him to leave. For now he still wants me so he plays me for the fool that I am. You see, I know in my heart that my husband doesn’t love me; but I still let myself believe him anyway because it hurts so much to think this man really doesn’t love me. I don’t want to believe what I know is the truth.
So I let him fool me and I take him at his word even though his actions show me as plain as daylight that he doesn’t care. It hurts so much but I can’t even cry anymore. I want to cry but I can’t. I can’t cry out loud anyway; but I’m crying inside. I’m hurting so bad. I wish I could just get up and leave. I wish I wasn’t afraid that I’m so messed up because of everything my husband has put me through, and I’m not all that young anymore. I’m still young enough and I’m still attractive enough to get looks when I go out, but I’m a complete mess emotionally and nobody would want to be with me I know it. I have too much baggage.
So I feel like I won’t ever know a man’s touch again if I get divorced. I mean, I could probably find people to have occasional sex with but that was never my style and I’m not interested in that life. I would want a real relationship and I don’t think that’s possible for me. I think if I get divorced I’ll be on my own for the rest of my life. I’ll never have another boyfriend much less for another husband. And I don’t know if I have the strength to spend the rest of my life alone.
I’m hurt and I’m scared and I wish I had someone I could crawl into their arms and they could hold me. That’s what my husband is supposed to be for but he never does that. He never just holds me. He never really comforts me. He only ever just causes me pain and goes off about his business to do his thing while I’m home in pain.