My husband is never around. He never has any time for me. I don’t know if this is normal or what. All I ever see of couples on the Internet are pictures of them doing stuff together. My husband and I never do anything together. If people ever see me they see me with my adult son and probably think he and I are a couple because it’s not really obvious to most people that I’m his mother.
Just now I got real angry with my husband and broke a chair slamming it into the floor and I want to know if I am the one who is wrong here. Here’s the story. My husband is always gone like I said. He will leave at 8AM to go to work for 11AM and make every excuse in the world for why he has to leave so early.
My husband fills my head with his BS about how he loves me every day. I have been trying to get out of this relationship for years and he won’t let me. Every time I talk about divorce and how I don’t think this marriage can work because we don’t really have a relationship and it’s pointless for us to keep doing this, he talks his talk about how we’re never splitting up and tries to act like he wants this marriage when he knows perfectly well he doesn’t truly. I don’t usually go around breaking chairs. What am I going to throw the chairs for? He’s never around and this has always been the case from the start of our marriage.
But what I was trying to discuss was what happened this morning. I was talking to him while I was sitting at the kitchen counter and he was doing his last minute stuff before he would leave the house. I was asking him when his transit card expires and if I should put the expense to renew it into the computations for the next set of bills. I wasn’t really finished talking before he finished putting his coffee in his coffee cup and turned to me and said “See you later.”
I knew he had to get to work for 11AM and it was just eight o’clock, so he could spare 5 minutes and didn’t really need to rush out while I was still talking. So I asked him, “Don’t you start working at eleven today?”
Immediately he got upset. It’s always like that. I ask simply, “Don’t you start working at eleven today?” and he gets pissed off and starts raising his voice telling me, “I have things to do you know. I have to go and water my garden and this guy that’s gone out of town asked me to water his garden for him so I have to go and water his garden.”
And I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Going to water his garden is more important than sparing me an extra 5 minutes so I can finish what I’m saying. That’s bad enough to know. That hurts by itself; but to hear him add about some other random person’s garden that he’s giving priority to go and water over sparing me 5 minutes of his time, that was just devastating.
So I pointed that out. I simply said, “You can’t spare me 5 minutes of your time but you can go and water some man’s garden.” And I picked up the chair and slammed it into the floor while telling him “F**k You at an elevated volume. He of course simply walked on out the door without so much as a backward glance.
Later he will come home and smile and call me honey and sweetheart and try to talk to me as if none of this happened. He will not do this because he loves me. It’s just his routine. It will take him about 30 seconds to do it then he will go upstairs to the bedroom feeling satisfied that he’s the loving one in this relationship. I will not see or hear from him except when he’s coming downstairs to go to the kitchen. He will stop and kiss the back of my neck and reach in front of me to squeeze my breasts and nipples. If I am wearing something that exposes my legs he wills stroke them and call me “Legs”. He will make references to us f**king tonight. That’s if I’m sitting here at the PC when he comes down. If I’m in the kitchen, maybe washing the dishes, he will slap my butt and talk about how good it looks. He will still reach around me and squeeze my breasts and pinch my nipples and talk about wanting to do it later. That’s the only time he ever really talks to me is to talk about sex or to talk about this person or that person he knows from work or whereever telling him this thing or that thing and doing this thing or that thing. If I should start talking all of a sudden he has to go. And I seldom talk. That’s been a fact of my entire life and what I am known for, how seldom I speak so this is no nagging wife issue. I don’t have a husband at home to nag. This is not a man you can nag. He’s a mean man. He doesn’t just sit around and let you nag him. So there’s no nagging. There’s just a complete lack of interest in hearing my voice. I have told him that the moment I start to speak he goes on automatic shut down. He wants nothing to do with me except to use my body for sex because it’s apparently a nice f**k regardless if I’m participating in the activity or not. There’s all the tightness and heat and moisture that make for a sweet ride. He’s always thanking me and telling me how much he enjoyed it and most of the time I’m not participating because I generally feel like sh*t in this marriage and I never want him to touch me. So I’m more like a “real doll” in this marriage. He has one use of me and one use only and once I stop working — once the battery that keeps things tight and heated and moist dies, he’ll be gone.
Anyway, I don’t really expect to get understanding and that’s not what I seek. I know what I know. I’ve suffered in this relationship for the better part of my adult life. I was just a stupid girl when I got involved with this older man. I can’t get my life back sadly.
I guess I started this saying we don’t do anything together and asking if it should bother me. It kind of bothers me yet things are where I despise this man and I don’t really want to do anything with him anyway. I’d be so embarrassed to be seen with him. I wouldn’t know who of the people he associates with he told what, what women he flirts with every day who would see me with him and laugh at me knowing what a fool I am walking around proudly beside my husband who really has no use for me and doesn’t value me and flirts with them every day; or what male friend he makes jokes about the bitch wife with.
I feel like I’m being played with by a sick and twisted monster; but because his way of abusing is less obvious than when I explode and react by slamming and breaking a chair, I look like the monster and he looks like the victim. If it was only possible to undo our mistakes. If it was only possible to rewind life to a certain point and live it over. Oh how I would love to be able to undo ever meeting this individual.