Sex is what makes a marriage a marriage?
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Sex is what makes a marriage a marriage?

Something I read a moment ago made me recall a conversation I had with a friend of mine once. He and his now ex-wife were having problems in their marriage. The main problem for him was that she never wanted to have sex. I tried to find out if there was anything in the relationship that was more important than the sex and he basically said there wasn’t anything more important. He insisted that for men sex was the glue that held a marriage together and without frequent sex there was no reason to stay in a marriage. He said sex is what makes a marriage a marriage. A man gets married so he can have sex as often as he desires sex and that’s more important to him than having a woman to take care of his other needs like cooking and cleaning and supporting him in his ambitions etc. That stuff is extra and it’s nice and a man is glad for it but it’s the sex that he’s there for and if he’s not getting it then he’s going to be wanting to leave and go where he can get it.

I wonder how much truth there is in this? And I wonder how many marriages would never have happened if the man had told the woman when he proposed that if at any point in the marriage he became dissatisfied with the amount of sex and/or the quality of the sex he was getting from her he was going to leave her?

If what my friend said is true for most men then it means that there’s a major deception taking place prior to the marriage starting out; because to reach the point of getting married a man has usually gone to great lengths to convince his bride that he’s different from all the other guys who are only interested in her body. In your typical scenario a man has convinced his bride that sex isn’t all he wants from her, that he loves her and wants to be with her for the sake of love and not for the sake of sex. He has made her believe that sex is a way of expressing their love for each other as opposed to sex being the foundation of their love. Although he has not likely spoken the exact words he has certainly given the impression that without sex their love will still stand strong and firm as opposed to what is suggested here which is that without sex they will have nothing and he will have to leave her to go and find a woman who will accommodate his sexual needs.

But I guess it’s entirely possible that the men who promise to love their wives no matter what have every intention of loving her no matter what, but reality quickly gets in the way of fantasy. When our basic needs are not being met the rose colored heart-shaped glasses we wear when in love get cracked and the lenses fall out and we start seeing what is real instead of the illusions we were seeing through the lens of our rose-colored heart-shaped love glasses.

Let’s face it, sex is far more real than love. Love is a fanciful idea. It’s nice and all but, like it or not, it’s not scientific. Sex on the other hand is science. We all exist because of sex. You can romanticize it and say it’s because of love but when it comes right down to it, with a few exceptions, it was the act of sex through which we were all created. It might be a cold and hard fact to accept when you are not interested in sex and all you want is someone to cuddle with; but it’s arguable that sex is a more legitimate need than is love. And it’s more than conceivable that lack of sex can make a person reach a point where they longer care to keep a promise of undying love…where they must put their own need for sex above another person’s need for love.

So it isn’t necessarily that men deceive women. They likely mean what they say when they vow to love through all kinds of weather, through good times and bad times, whether happy or sad; but biology is ultimately more powerful than romantic notions about life. Perhaps it is not true for every man that he must have sex with a woman at least every other day in other to properly function; but it is less likely that the average man will be content in a sexless or practically sexless marriage. He might remain in the marriage for one reason or another; but without the sex there will be no marriage in his heart or in his mind because, for the average man, sex is indeed the glue that holds a marriage together. At the end of the day sex is what makes a marriage a marriage.  There will always be exceptions but the exceptions do not nullify or and void the rule.

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0 3 1587 09 October, 2013 Sex and marriage October 9, 2013

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  1. Amelia

    I beg to differ. A marriage license is what makes a marriage a marriage. I don’t think married men should be encouraged to continue believing they are justified in resenting their wives who won’t give them sex every other night. I can understand if a wife never wants to have sex; then a man has all rights to leave or to cheat. I think it’s better that he leave instead of cheat; but the point is, he shouldn’t have to go completely without sex because his wife won’t have sex with him. That isn’t fair; but the men who want to cheat on their wives or leave their wives because their wives don’t always want to have sex are reducing their wives to objects that have no other worth, value or purpose outside of sex. These men will be only to happy to throw around this kind of language about sex being the glue that holds a marriage together and sex is what makes a marriage a marriage in trying to justify their attitudes to their wives so you probably shouldn’t write things like this because they don’t really help in the long run.

  2. Georgina

    A marriage license makes a marriage a marriage? Wow. That’s just as bad as the suggestion that sex makes a marriage a marriage. How about what makes a marriage a marriage is the commitment that two people make to each other. It’s the mental and emotional effort that they both put forth each and every day to build a relationship that survives everything that comes in their path and tries to destroy their relationship? What makes a marriage a marriage are the two people in the marriage and the work they do in building their marriage and keeping it thriving and going strong whether or not they are having sex ever night, once a month, once ever six months, once a year or whatever. My grandparents aren’t having sex that I know about and haven’t had sex for decades with each other or with other people and they are very much married, very much committed to each other and have been for 70-odd years and will be until the day they die. A piece of paper is not what makes their marriage a marriage. Sex is not what makes their marriage a marriage. LOVE is what makes their marriage a marriage.

  3. Amy

    A marriage license is only a legal document then love and commitment.
    Now that is my view only, I wish my marriage fell into this catagory, my marriage it just fell in the shiter and never climb out of the mess.
    So I have had sex only once in 47 years, I don’t even know if I like sex, intimacy and love. My husband deprived me of all the things a marriage should be. He’s hated me and I think he never wanted me around. I know longer know who he is nor after all these years do I care. We live like apartment dewellers we have our own lives, he lives his life in our basement and I upstairs. We come and go when we want! I feel like a tax write off!


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