The post “My wife got fat and expects me to still find her attractive even though she looks nothing like herself anymore” continues to be one of the mostly hotly discussed topics on this website since it was first posted by a guest back in October 2010. If you read the comments from the men who have taken the time to post their thoughts, you’ll walk away feeling disheartened–that’s if you were hoping that men’s thoughts about their overweight wives weren’t terribly negative. While the men who have spoken here don’t necessarily speak for all men, the majority do seem to have very similar feelings about their overweight wives. If you were to look through their comments in your quest to find out what men think about their overweight wives, you’ll come away thinking that men find their overweight wives disgusting and want to divorce them for being fat. Here’s a sampling of some of the comments that have been posted by men who are disgusted or otherwise unhappy about their wife’s weight.
Posted by “annon” November 23, 2010 at 3:11 pm
My wife has gained a significant amount of weight after our child was born. I say after, because she lost most of the weight for a while and then packed it all back on and more AFTER the child was born. Its always excuses and promises and never action. LAZINESS! She doesn’t care. She doesn’t even really care how it makes me feel. Is that selfish to say? NO! I used to be sensitive to the situation. I never made her feel bad about the weight and I tried to help her by eating better and working out with her. It only lasts about a week and then she gives up. It makes me sick. She doesn’t see it as her not caring how she looks means she doesn’t care how I see her. I have always and will always take care of how I look. Damn me to the grave if I will ever be fat. When is it ever ok to let yourself go? (full comment)
The takeaway from annon’s comment: some men think their overweight wife is lazy and that she makes excuses for keeping on the extra weight she gained during the marriage instead of working to get the weight off. They think their wife doesn’t care how she looks and doesn’t care how they see her and how her fatness makes them feel.
I’ve been married for 20 years. I’ve watched her weight climb year after year. I’ve tried being supportive. I go to the gym with her. I workout with her. She will do it for a while, then quit. She makes lame excuses and just keep larding up. I bust my ass in the gym to look good for her, and I’m just expected to accept how bad she looks? It makes me shallow and unloving to no longer be aroused by a woman who is now 100 lbs overweight? I’ve tried repeatedly to talk to her about it. She just cries, and nothing changes. Don’t I have a right to be happy too? I feel like a jerk, but it’s making me miserable.
It’s easy to demonize men for having a problem with their overweight wives; but if you really pay attention to what guys like Daniel are saying, the situation is really making them miserable. They aren’t trying to be mean to their wives. They just want to be happy and they are unable to just take their wife’s weight in stride and act like it’s no big deal. Men have a lot of pressure on them to live up to certain standards just like women. We all know that a wife is not a possession. She’s a person and should be treated as such; but if we were being honest, we would have to admit that a man’s wife is regarded as a possession by other men and other men judge a man by his possessions. Men want to have the best of everything. Even when they can’t have the supermodel wife, they want to at least have a wife they don’t have to feel embarrassed about. Not all men are like this of course; but if a man would never have dated you if you were fat, that should tell you something about his mentality and his concern with appearances. That concern with appearances isn’t usually going to go away because you’re married. And it’s not just about his concern with public appearances. He lives in a world where fat is considered unattractive and women are only considered desirable if they look a certain way. It’s not his fault if he isn’t able to see his wife the same way after she gains enough weight to no longer be something other men would desire. He’s just a product of the society that’s responsible for the beliefs that get programmed into him from birth. If no other man would desire her why should he? Just because he loves her? This is not the way sexual attraction works. So the situation is hard for these men to deal with because they are expected to see their wife as still beautiful and attractive just because she’s their wife when, if she was a stranger on the street, they would only notice her with disgust because of her size. They love their wife and don’t want to hurt her; but they want a wife they can desire; and they rightly don’t feel that it’s fair they should have to sacrifice their own needs to pacify their wife when being fat is something she can change.
And then there’s this attitude: Pardon me but it was a rather interesting take on the whole situation. It starts of so admirably and then it veers off onto another road that is arguably a bit crass but does reflect what I’ve told to be the reality for the average married man. Apparently as long as the sex is good the rest doesn’t matter.
When I married my wife 31 years ago, she weighed 115 lbs. and looked like a million bucks to me. After our third child, she began to gain excessive weight and now weighs around 225 lbs, which bothered me at first, because I continued to maintain my weight of 175 lbs. for quite a while after that. But, for probably some of the same reasons, I realized that after a couple more years I too was beginning to gain some added pounds. Now, I am up to 208 lbs. WHY??? Because as we get older, most of us tend to be less active than we were when we were younger, causing us to gain unwanted weight. That’s just the way it is for most people whether we like it or not and whether we agree with it or not. I did a bit of sole-searching and decided that no matter what I do, I will never be able to find another woman who will cook my meals for me, do my laundry, wash the dishes, get me up in time for work when I simply hit the snooze button over and over and put up with what she perceives as annoying habits. And even after all that, she still gives me sex ANY WAY I want, ANYTIME I want. And trust me, she knows exactly the best way to hit my love buttons and I know exactly which buttons best suit her. Through all of our trials and tribulations, one thing is still relatively unchanged… that pu**y. That is one area that is still just as good and looks just about the same as the first day we met… probably even better since she was relatively inexperienced when we first met. Many things about a woman may change with age. But, when you spread her legs open, them lips will generally look just as inviting as the first time you hooked up. (view full comment)
BudGood’s comment is encouraging in a way if you’re looking for evidence that not all men hate their fat wives. Some men are okay with their wives being overweight because they see it as a normal and natural part of aging or as an inevitable consequence of a less active lifestyle. But then he throws in the bit about “them lips” looking generally just as inviting when he spreads his wife’s legs open (as they did the first time the two of them hooked up). Depending on your mentality that can sound a little bit like reducing a woman to what’s between her legs; but let’s be honest, without that what is a wife to her husband really? A friend? We don’t marry someone for the purpose of being lifetime friends with them. We marry them for the purpose of being exclusive lovers for life. There’s more to being married than being sexual partners of course; but the importance of sex cannot be overstated. Even for women who don’t acknowledge that sex has any importance in their relationships, sex will usually be the thing that holds a marriage together or breaks a marriage apart. For those men who take the approach that “them lips” will always look inviting regardless how thick the thighs they have to spread apart, good sex enables them to get beyond the fact that their wife is overweight. For other men, being unable to find an overweight woman attractive means they can no longer have sex with their wife so there is nothing to hold the marriage together. Because at the end of the day, love won’t conquer when a man isn’t getting any.