Confronting the other man about his affair with your wife
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Confronting the other man about his affair with your wife

No one necessarily thinks twice about it when wives confront women with whom their husbands have affairs. But when it comes to the question of whether or not husbands should confront the men with whom their wives have affairs, most people seem to agree that this is not a good idea. Personally, I would have to agree with anyone who says that it’s a bad idea to talk to the other man about his affair with your wife. If the other man was someone you thought was a friend then fine. But if it’s someone you don’t know, then there would be nothing for you to talk to him about. He did nothing to you when all is said and done. This is between you and your wife. She is the one who has betrayed you. What happens in a marriage is between the two people in the marriage. Even in the case of an extra-marital affair. The other person is not relevant.

And what would you talk to the other man about anyway? What are you going to do, ask him why would he have an affair with another man’s wife? He doesn’t owe you an explanation for why he would have an affair with another man’s wife. His lack of moral integrity, if you want to call it that, is his personal issue. It’s not like he walked into your life and took your wife and had an affair with her. It’s more like your wife went out and took up with another man. She made herself available to another man.

It’s not on other men to respect the vows that are exchanged between you and your wife. It’s on your wife to respect the vows she made to you. It’s your wife who did you wrong. The third party, unless it’s a friend or a relative or someone you knew and trusted, is in no way responsible for your wife’s choice to cheat on you. He is only responsible for his own choices. And it’s not you to whom he has to answer for those choices.

A confrontation between you and the man with whom your wife had an affair can get ugly. Very bad things can happen. And you can find yourself dealing with legal problems that will have far greater impact on your life than your wife’s cheating. Whatever led your wife to cheat, the problem exists inside your marriage. It’s a problem between you and your wife and it needs to be resolved between you and your wife.

The same goes for women with cheating husbands. They too should not be confronting the other woman unless it is a friend or family member or someone else they know and trust. And even then, no one can come in and destroy your marriage without being allowed by one or the other spouse. In which case the problem originates inside the marriage. Your marital problems, including cheating, are between you and your spouse.

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0 6 967 30 January, 2015 Love Hate Cheating Divorce and Everything Else January 30, 2015

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  1. Justin

    What if I just want to hear his side? I’m wondering if my wife left out a few details or not. I’m not interested in hurting the guy. I’d just like the story from a different perspective.

  2. K

    As a husband who confronted the other man, I totally disagree with this article. My only regret is not doing it sooner. In retrospect, it was the only “win” I had during the affair and for some time after.
    Here’s why:
    My wife had suddenly developed some surprisingly brazen lying skills to protect her affair. So my initial attempts to confront her when i had weak evidence resulted in 1. Lies and denial; and 2. Her closing up that particular angle for me to get more evidence that way. As other evidence began to mount, I confronted her a few more times, but I became very hesitant to actually show her all or any of my evidence at once during these confrontations, partly because I was uncertain of it myself, but, to be honest, it was largely because she’d been gaslighting the shit out of me so I began to doubt my own senses. At any rate, I’d confront, she’d lie, and then I’d fail to call her a liar because when all was said and done, I didn’t want to lose her. I just wanted her to admit to and end the affair so we could fix our marital issues.
    At any rate, after about two months I had a piece of evidence that was, to me and anyone I checked with, so undeniably clear and obvious that there seemed to be no possible way she could deny it now. So I laid it out and said, I am certain that you are having an affair, and I want it to stop. And somehow, she managed to wriggle out of it again.
    We were never going to be able to have an open and honest discussion about her affair and how to fix our marriage as long as the affair was continuing, and at this point it was abundantly clear that she was never going to admit to and end the affair. She wasn’t the weakest link, he was.
    So, your article asks “what are you going to talk to him about anyway?” Well, first I re-enacted the three major confrontations I’ve already had with my wife, and listened politely while he recited her answers back at me, which he’s obviously practised. Then I asked him if he’d believe those answers if he was in my shoes. Then I pointed out that he doesn’t seem like the affair type, because I know he’s a private person who has some social anxiety, which confused him, and then I explained that there’s nothing private about an affair; often when they get blown wide open, lots of people know lots of details about this little “secret”; friends, lawyers, family… and I’m sorry to say, that moment is now, and there are a lot of people who have a pretty low opinion of you for this. Then I hit him with a bunch of evidence that I hadn’t mentioned to her yet, so he had no practised answers. Then I explained to him how the details of the affair that I’ve already laid out to him, plus more that I don’t have time to get into, will be laid out in detail with his name attached if I find myself in a child custody hearing because of their affair.
    In the end, I got what I needed from the confrontation: I got him to admit to the affair, and I got him to promise to remove himself from it since she obviously won’t, and I made sure he felt so uncomfortable around anybody associated with her (because he didn’t know who knows) that he eventually left town altogether, changed all his numbers, closed up his social media accounts, and never responded to any of her attempts to reach him.
    I also in the short term got to experience the amazing feeling of taking all of the pain and anger that I’d been experiencing and giving it back to its rightful owners. Sadly that was replaced by different pain; it took my wife a long time to get over the affair, and in her mourning period, she did a lot more damage to my ability to trust her and be emotionally connected to her. We’re trying to fix things now, but a lot of damage was done, and I still don’t know if we’re going to make it. But one thing is for sure, we’d be a lot further behind if I hadn’t confronted him with intent to get a confession and an end to the affair.
    I know this process hurt him deeply. I hope his recovery is as painful and successful as mine. That’s the best thing I can say about him.

  3. Danny

    I confronted the other man and I tell you it was a great feeling. I finally felt I had some sort of control over the situation. My confronting him was not nice either. I was very rude and it consisted with a lot of swearing, and a threat that if he ever looks at my wife again his jaw would be the second one I will have broken in my life. I even brought my five year old little girl. I made her sit in a corner with head phones on watching a movie with her back turned away from us. We were on the other side of the room so I know she could not hear us. I brought her first so I would not smash the cowards face, because I would not want her to see that, but I also brought her so he can see he just did not affect my life, he has affected hers as well for his selfish actions. I let into that SOB with everything I had and then some. I am not going to lie, I fought dirty too. I told him I know all of his problems he has because my wife told me everything he told her and I used it against him. I honestly did and still do not care the hurt I caused him. His emotions mean nothing to me. Not because what he has caused me, but what he has caused my little girl. That is when the gloves come off. I can say that I have put the fear of god into him because he now avoids my wife a work like the plague. He even clocks in at a different time now because he is afraid if I find out he looks at her. He will even be late for work if he knows she is in the office, and I really do not care. One thing I find interesting is how much easier it is to forgive your spouse then the other person, even though you know it is a two way street. What can you do though, I am going to be as selfish as I can to make sure that my family will stay together. His feelings and what happens in his marriage means absolutely nothing to me. I know they are humans with feelings as well and I sound very heartless, well guess what? I am human too and mine and my daughters feelings were not considered so for right now theirs will not to me. If I had to do it over again I would and I would not change a thing, except maybe shaking his hand at the end because he did not deserve that sort of recognition. The man is a coward and I finally have some sort of control over the situation.

  4. Nobody's fool.

    (Since this forum’s purpose is for people to help people, the opening statement in which Nobody’s Fool insulted the author of this post for having an opinion with which he did not agree was removed so that the focus can remain on the value of his comments to anyone who might find them helpful) The whole affair thing generally centers around something in your lives that is lacking and more often than not respect is the critical component. My wife and I tried an unofficial not legal no paperwork seperation brokered by our pastor….one of the conditions was no romantic relations with any other person during the trial. Well a local predator of vaunerable women attempted through regular conversation with my wife to woo her into his bed. She was lonely and felt that we were done. She claimed they had a make out session but she came to her senses and stopped before anything further happened ( I’d like to believe that but you never know). Her then best friend warned me that things might be getting too friendly so I confronted the scoundrel…..he was a policeman. I caught him in a well lit alley and had a witness ( her father) and told him to stay away from my wife…his first reaction was to put his hand on his pistol and look at me smugly and say ” I’m not near your wife” I looked back at him and said so you’re either going to do as I say or you’re going to have to shoot me. Later that same night I stopped by my wife’s house ( our house ) to see the kids before bedtime and she knew about the confrontation and said I’m proud of you for fighting for our family. I told her that I’m upset that he felt compelled to call her to tell her about it because he obviously didn’t take me seriously and called her anyway. I told her then that if she wants a divorce I’ll race her to,the lawyers! I left to go back to staying in my car as we couldn’t afford a place for me and I refused to run home to mommy nor did I want to be a Debbie downer on good friends that offered me a place. The next night when I left work I stopped at an all night grocery store and as I walked across the parking lot a police car came out of nowhere at a high rate of speed and stopped literally inches from hitting was him. I raised my arms and said ” go ahead ! Hit me! I’m dead without her anyway!” He backed up and spead off leaving tire marks. The next night when I was at work and my wife called me and wanted me to move back home so we could work it out…she told me that I showed her that I did care and wanted us to work it out….. I told her I couldn’t move back until she felt that she truly needed me….we stayed apart for a couple more weeks, we dated each other again had some really passionate nights together took our kids to the playground and McDonald’s and held hands…. He stalked me for months after I moved back home ,following me, staking out my work, he even came by the gym I went to and parked his patrol car across the street. Once when he staked out my gym I went out the back door ran around the block to get behind him I crept up on him and surprised him by knocking on the window and asking him what time it was…he rudely speaks off. The best thing I ever did was confront the scum. He went on to play 5 other women that were on the rocks in their marriages that we know of and it wasn’t until 2 husbands and one mother in law complained about his activities in uniform that he left the police department and the city for who the hell cares where. My experience was risky but it was the best thing I ever did….she respects me for my courage and commitment…I respect myself for the same.

  5. Alan

    Everybody gives the “other man” a free pass. But as it is written in the Bible:
    26 For a prostitute can be had for a loaf of bread,
    but another man’s wife preys on your very life.
    27 Can a man scoop fire into his lap
    without his clothes being burned?
    28 Can a man walk on hot coals
    without his feet being scorched?
    29 So is he who sleeps with another man’s wife;
    no one who touches her will go unpunished.
    30 People do not despise a thief if he steals
    to satisfy his hunger when he is starving.
    31 Yet if he is caught, he must pay sevenfold,
    though it costs him all the wealth of his house.
    32 But a man who commits adultery has no sense;
    whoever does so destroys himself.
    33 Blows and disgrace are his lot,
    and his shame will NEVER be wiped away.
    34 For jealousy arouses a husband’s fury,
    and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge.
    35 He will not accept any compensation;
    he will refuse a bribe, however great it is.

    Yet our society says “he owes you nothing”. BS.


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