Sometimes in seeking a way to vent our marital frustrations we talk badly about our spouse to other people. We’re human. And relationships can be difficult. Lots of married people have pent up frustrations. And all too often we don’t have a way to deal with our frustrations. So when opportunity presents itself we let our lips loose and start trash talking our spouse to our friends, our relatives, our co-workers….
The thing is, when we go around trash talking our spouse we’re doing a lot more damage to our relationship with our spouse than we realize. Because more often than not we’re only going to allow ourselves to vent where we feel comfortable in our knowledge that we’ll get support and understanding. So whoever we’re venting to will be someone who will give us the kind of feedback that helps us feel justified in our position. They will usually be saying things to us that will only add fuel to the fire.
Often times we start out feeling just a little peeved at our spouse. But after the people to whom we trash talked our spouse put in their two cents, we start to feel like we’re in the world’s worse marriage. The feedback that we get makes us feel like we made a really bad choice in mate selection.
What is interesting is that it’s usually our own fault that people think bad things about our spouse. Because we habitually talk badly about our spouse to these people. What people know of our spouse, or think they know, is based entirely on the stories we tell them. And we tell them the worse possible things because our goal in venting to them in the first place is to get them to respond in a way that makes us feel right and justified. We skew our tales to make ourselves look blameless.
When we call our wife a bitch or our husband a son of bitch, in order to convince people to agree with us we have to tell our stories from the angle that makes them look their worse. And when we succeed in our goal to convince people that our wife is a bitch or that our husband is a son of a bitch, every time we vent to these people we’ll get feedback that further belittles our spouse and dismisses our marriage as invalid and pointless and overdue for termination. And when we see that people think our marriage is a joke, we’ll be increasingly embarrassed to be married to our spouse. But it won’t occur to us that we are the ones who painted this picture of our marriage in the first place.
Protect your marriage – praise your spouse…
People can’t know what goes on behind your closed doors if you keep your stuff behind closed doors. All marriages have problems. You are not perfect and your spouse is not perfect. There’s no need to go around complaining to people because your spouse is more flawed than you might like. Work with your spouse to improve your marriage. Work to help each other improve as individuals. When you step out from the privacy of your home whether together or alone, represent your marriage positively. Never speak badly about your spouse to other people. Do the exact opposite of that. Always have good things to say about your spouse. Given an opportunity to do so, praise your spouse. Work out your other stuff at home together.