My husband has family overseas. Every few years he goes home to visit. I have no problem with it. I do everything I can to help make sure he can make the trip, including footing the entire bill on one occasion. My husband left his homeland and his family to live with me here in the United States. We’re not in a position to afford his going home very frequently. So when an opportunity does come around there’s no question that whatever sacrifices have to be made will be made. He has a mother, a daughter and now a grandson back home. And they don’t get to see him for years at a time. I would never think to stand in the way of his being able to go home and see them.
But ever since I discovered that my husband is not the stalwart paragon of integrity that I used to think he was, it has become more and more difficult for me to get through the days of his being away. It’s no secret that I don’t trust my husband. I used to trust him 100%. That was before I discovered that he’s a compulsive liar and a cheat who engages in inappropriate behavior that comes with legal consequences. We’re years past that discovery; and there haven’t been any major incidents since the major incidents that opened my eyes to the truth. But there have been many enough minor things that have occurred over the years. And every time I have started trusting my husband again, he has done something to destroy that little bit of trust that was starting to grow back.
So when my husband goes home, as much as I want to be happy for him that he’s able to be with his family, I am always on edge with suspicion and mistrust. I have only his word as to what he’s up to when he’s there. And he’s notorious for lying. He’s also very irresponsible and will take ill-advised risks which makes it that much harder not to worry. But the thing is, my husband is going to do what he’s going to do. And I have to realize that the only control I have is to remove myself from the situation if I don’t like it.
It would be awesome if my husband and I had the kind of relationship where I wouldn’t have to worry that he’s off violating my trust in every which way. But we don’t have that kind of relationship. Knowing this, the most sensible thing is for me to take responsibility for my choice to be with someone I cannot trust. Accept that yes, it’s possible my husband is doing the things I suspect he’s doing. But what can I do about it? It’s his life. And this is my life. I have control over my life. I don’t have control over his. And I have a choice. I don’t have to live with a situation where I can’t trust the person to whom I am married. If I chose to stay even while knowing I cannot trust him, that’s the choice I make. And I’ll have to live with whatever results from that choice.
For me, it would be easier not to worry if my husband showed any sign that even while away for a week or two our marriage remains “on”; but when he goes home to visit his family it feels like he turns our marriage off. Maybe there’s no harm in that. I don’t know. Maybe we should be able to turn off our marriage from time to time. Go off and forget for a week or two that we have a husband or a wife. Maybe in such a case it’s entirely on the spouse who is left behind to spend the time of their husband or wife’s absence living their own life. If I had a life I wouldn’t have time to be sitting around worrying what my husband may or may not be doing while he’s away. I might be away somewhere myself having a little fun.
If you’re looking for some useful articles about how to travel alone without ruining your marriage, I found an excellent article titled exactly that “How To Travel Alone… Without Ruining Your Marriage!“. It offers some useful tips for both parties. It’s definitely worth a read.