Should I get a divorce?
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Should I get a divorce?

My husband and I have been married 10 yrs and have 2 children. About a year ago we were drifting apart and when I would confront my husband he told me he thought everything was fine. I didn’t feel it was and I thought that maybe he was cheating. So I snooped on his phone and I didn’t find any evidence of cheating, but I found his internet history. There was lots of porn. Anal porn, gay porn, and lots of looking at women in tights. One search in particular that bothered me was 18 yr old in tights, and teens putting on tights. He said he meant 18 and 19 yr olds. This all makes me feel uncomfortable. One reason is because they were such young women and another was that I never knew he had a pantyhose fetish. I used to wear tights almost everyday for work and he never said anything. He looked at all this stuff for a year without me knowing. He kept telling me he only looked that stuff up because he heard it from a radio show, but later he finally admitted that he thought of it in his own. He told me that me wearing tights was a fantasy of his and he even went as far as to trying on a pair of my tights to see how it feels but he swears he didn’t like it. I feel like he’s a completely different person. Some people tell me I’m overreacting and that all men do it (as far as the internet stuff) it’s not a big deal. Then some people tell me it’s gross and he’s a pervert. I don’t know what to think or feel. I don’t know if it matters but he’s 42 yrs old and I’m 31.

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Editor's Response

The decision to get a divorce isn’t one you want other people to help you make. People’s opinion about your marriage should never be trusted to the point where you get a divorce because someone else thought you should. This sounds like a tough situation to be in for sure. Because you don’t know what’s really going on. This could be signs of a real problem or it could mean nothing. The only way you’re going to find out is through your husband. He’s the only one who knows the truth. The difficulty you have is that you cannot trust that what your husband tells you will be the real truth or the whole truth. You have to blindly trust; but there’s so much to risk in doing that. What if your husband has a serious problem? By staying with him you could be accused of having enabled him should he violate laws and get caught. Because you suspected he might have a problem and you chose to stay with him anyway. Not only that you didn’t insist that he get help.

But should you get a divorce?

What if your husband doesn’t have a serious problem? What if he’s telling the truth–that he was strictly searching for pictures of 18 and 19 year old women? Or more to the point (since he’s probably savvy enough to have been more careful in trying to avoid turning up pictures of under-aged teens), what if this is something that many more men do than the numbers getting caught? After all, mass count-downs to the day some teen celebrity becomes legal has to mean that these men are already sexually intrigued by the teen. Just because you get in line to wait until she becomes legal before you blatantly lust doesn’t mean you’re not already lusting.

This is not a defense of your husband. He may very well have a problem. And it might not be a problem you can do anything to nip in the bud. In which case you are within your rights to remove yourself from the situation before it gets worse. But there’s every possibility that this is just a case of a man who looked at pictures for sexual stimulation the way so many other men do. And for him to lose his wife because the pictures he looked at made her uncomfortable–well, what I would ask is this:

If he was looking at pictures of women in short skirts would that be more okay? And if you’d be more comfortable with him looking at pictures of women in short skirts, you should challenge yourself to explain why short skirts are okay but tights are perverted. Is it strictly because he specifically searched for pictures of teens? If so, it’s perfectly understandable why that would concern you; but your husband did not make the world the way that it is. A fascination with teenaged girls is almost a rite of passage for men over 30. Most of them are able to self-check. They’ll steal a peak here and there but for the most part they are able to pretend that they do not notice teenaged girls at all.

Is your husband a pervert? Who gets to decide? Just because someone looks at certain types of pictures for sexual stimulation doesn’t make them a pervert. Often it’s our own hang-ups that cause us to regard something as being perverted rather than it being a case that the thing is in fact perverted. The concept of perversion is subjective. Don’t judge your husband based on other people’s opinions. You probably shouldn’t have discussed this issue with other people before you and your husband have resolved it. And even then there are some things that probably should be kept behind your closed doors. This is something for you and your husband to figure out in private. And once you have figure it out then you will be able to make the right decision whether or not to get a divorce.

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Disclaimer: Editor's Response answers should not be taken for expert advice. The person behind the Editor's Response is not a relationship expert but just a regular member of the general public and all Editor's Response answers should be considered in the same light as an opinion given by a random individual on the street. Some Marriage questions are manufactured by Marriage Scene writers based on Internet research.
0 0 349 19 April, 2015 Marriage Answers April 19, 2015

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