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When a husband loves his daughter more than his wife
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When a husband loves his daughter more than his wife

To some people the idea of a husband loving his daughter more than his wife is unheard of. But there are wives living with husbands who in fact love their daughter more than their wife. Usually these are situations where the daughter came before the wife and is the only daughter. But sometimes wives who complain that their husband loves his daughter more than he loves them, are the mothers of the daughter in question.

Is it really all that odd when a husband loves his daughter more than his wife?

It’s always interesting to read the comments that get posted by other wives in response to discussions on what to think, feel and do when a husband loves his daughter more than his wife. There is typically an agreement that this is something that should not be tolerated because it is something that should never happen. A husband should never love a child more than he loves his wife. Yet you often don’t find the same outrage at the idea of a wife loving her child or children more than she loves her husband. Somehow this is easier to justify. After all husbands come and go but your children are your children forever. Your husband might not always be your husband. But your children will always be your children. Somehow these points don’t have the same relevance to women who insist that a wife must always be the most important thing in her husband’s life. They do not take kindly to being told that wives come and go, but a man’s children are his children forever. Or that they might not always be their husband’s wife. But his children will always be his children.

Our love for our children vs our love for our spouse – reality vs fantasy

There’s a funny thing about the love between a husband and wife. The way it can end so abruptly suggests that this kind of love is often not real to begin with. The way former husbands and wives can go through the rest of their lives never having anything to do with each other, often hating each other with the kind of vengeance we reserve for our worst enemies, it has to make you wonder if romantic relationships really have anything to do with love at all.

If you think about it, when our relationships end, we cease to love each other. But we never cease to love our children. Our love for our children is constant. Our love for our spouse dies the moment our spouse does something for which we feel we cannot forgive them. But can real love do that? Can real love just up and die the way it does in romantic situations? Can you claim to love a child and be able to turn your back on your child and never have anything to do with your child for the rest of your child’s life because your child did something you consider unforgivable? Even if we banish a child from our life, in our heart and soul there will always be that anguished love that we will feel as a parent.

But the same is not honestly true when you’re talking about a husband or wife. We might convince ourselves that we can’t let go of our spouse because we love them. But usually those who can’t let go are holding on for reasons that have everything to do with their mental shortcomings and nothing at all to do with love.

So when a husband loves his daughter more than his wife he’s kind of just keeping it real…

It’s understandable that a wife might feel hurt at the thought that her husband loves his daughter more than he loves her. The culture of romantic love is founded on fantasy. But the fantasy has been mistaken for reality. So people believe that things are supposed to be as they are represented in fantastic love songs, and fantastic love stories written about in books and portrayed on film. A woman is supposed to be a man’s everything. No one is supposed to matter in a man’s life more than his wife. Many of us fall for these notions and try to live up to them. Some couples get lucky. These are usually the ones who actually like and respect each other. Their relationship strengthens over time and real love is able to grow because it is given all the things it needs for growth. Other couples aren’t so lucky. Their relationship weakens over time and real love never has a chance to grow because the relationship is never fed the things that enable love’s growth.

Most of us would sooner give our lives for our children than we would for our spouse.

Most women would not have to think twice if they are asked who they would give their life for if they had to give their life for their child or their husband. Yet ask them who should their husband give his life for, his wife or his child, they would expect that their husband would give his life for them before he would give his life for his child. Ask them why and they’ll tell you because that’s just the way it’s supposed to be. A man is supposed to love his wife more than he loves anybody else in the world. Because his wife gives him the stuff. And the stuff is supposedly the most important thing in his life. So naturally his wife should be the most important person in his life by virtue of providing the stuff.

At the end of day people love who they love. You can’t control if and how much someone else loves you–not with demands at any rate. Maybe you can get more of someone’s love by doing more of what makes their heart respond towards you by filling with loving feelings. But you can’t make somebody love you by insisting you have a right and entitlement to their love by virtue of being their spouse.

 

 

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0 26 1338 11 May, 2015 Marriage & Family May 11, 2015

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26 comments

  1. Jenn

    What a rediculous article! So let’s enable these
    men to use their wives to give them children and ALWAYS prioritize their children before the one who BIRTHED them! Congrats, this is the complete destruction of a marriage right here!
    My husband worships our children and had sex with me just enough to get me pregnant to have them and now he could care less if I even exist.

    I see now he has no problem with sending me away now that he’s got “full use” out of me.

    We have sex less than 6x a year and we never do anything together unless it’s “with the kids” of course. He actually told me if I’m unhappy I should go ahead and move out to learn to be able to live on my own as long as I leave the kids with him in our house. He told me I’m a grown woman and I can “sport my own ticket,” but that he can’t stand to be away from the kids.

    Makes me so sick!!!

    Reply
    1. Sophia Baker

      I completely agree. My situation is slightly different. My husbands daughter is from his previous marriage. He told me how his ex-wife was jealous of the relationship that he has with his daughter. I found it strange until he told me that the song “You are my Lady” by Freddie Jackson, describes his feelings for his daughter. I found this to be creepy, disrespectful, and hurtful. He coulf have just spit in my face. It made me understand more what and how his ex-wife felt. It alsi help me with how and why his daughter felt the way she felt about me. When I was pregnant, she was so angry and wanted nothing more for my babies to die. Needless to say she got her wish. She felt as though I had taken her place. Her problem wasn’t with my daughtets, but with me. I have been so disgusted and mentally disturbed after my husband referred to his daughter as his lady, I can’t even look him in the face let alone have a conversation with him. Who am I? I feel used and completely unappreciated. He and his daughter has put me through hell, now I have a better understanding. I feel like if it was okay with the world he would physically be with his daughter. I am just a vessel that he uses when he wants a partnership and sex. This is not a real marriage. Now I understand that. I am the bread winner of the household, so I pay all the large bills. There is no romance in our marriage, again now I know why. I am just a vessel for him. When want sex he says to me, I am horny and I am suppose to just open my legs and let him do his business.

      Reply
    2. John

      You make me sick. I knew women could be so jealous that they’re pathetic, but to be jealous of your own child?! Reading your comment, I can tell your husband is a smart man and made the right choice. Hmmm… let’s see … you bitch and nag him, his daughter does not. You’re always demanding things of him, his daughter does not. When he comes home, she smiles and gives him a hug. You scowl and start bitching. His daughter is pretty, you are not. And why should he have sex with you? If you’re like 99% (let’s just say 100%) of women, you use sex to manipulate him. His daughter’s love, though not sexual, is unconditional. Come to think of it, you probably can’t compete at all. So you should take his suggestion and move the hell out. You aren’t contributing anything to positive to his or the kid’s life anyway, so do the noble thing and get your selfish, jealous and petty ass out of their lives.

      Reply
  2. Michelle

    I so get you!my husband accepts my 19 year old abuse of me and says iam the adult and must love her!he throws mo ey at her and she loves him for that and if he shows support of me she abuses him so he succumbs. It’s sickening.iam the 2nd class citizen in this marriage and he can’t see that iam trying to St boundaries so she can have a decent future. I want to leave because I don’t want to see how he will destroy her.daddy I want this daddy I want that.a d he’d yes yes yes!that’s not love.

    Help

    Reply
  3. tonia

    The fact that they often remarry to have a woman there for the child. yet the child resents the woman and then the man resents her cause the child dosent love her or want her there. she wants her daddy all to herself.

    Reply
  4. John

    Too bad ladies. There is nothing so pathetic as an adult woman who is jealous of a child. But you have good reason to be jealous. Let’s face it: little girls are nicer than you, prettier than you, and more fun to be with than you. Who’s fault is it? Yours. There are so many women who marry a men just so they can have kids, then divorce him so they can get his money and not have to deal with him. Well, welcome to equality. If you’re not pleasant to live with, please do your husband and kids a favor and move out so they can enjoy their lives.

    Reply
    1. Sophia Baker

      You sound bitter and ignorate. Let’s put the shoe on the other foot.
      You marry a woman who has a son before she met you, but she favors as well as put her son before you. How would you feel?
      I treated my husbands daughter just as if she were mine. When I became pregnant with twins, she told me directly to my face, that she was her fathers only child and she didn’t not want me to have my children. I cater to my husband. He wanted a son and by the grace of God, I was giving him not 1 but 2.
      I don’t know your situation, just like you do not know others. So for you to speak such harsh and ingnorant words about what you have no clue about, makes you down right ignorant.

      Reply
      1. John

        I wouldn’t marry a woman again – so your point is null and void. Women have nothing positive to add to man’s life, and this thread proves it. Kids are wonderful; a woman will suck the very life out of you.

        Reply
    2. JD

      Oh John… that you come to an article like this and proceed to pass judgement on these women simply looking for support in some tough marriages is vastly amusing to many of us. I wonder why you feel you are to be the self appointed judge and jury sans any true fact or example to support such wild leaps in your imagination. Yet there you are… going straight for the ignorant stereotypes, attack viciously like a starving and rabid dog. Perhaps you are the man enjoying the daughter while alienating your wife? Maybe you are a scorned man or simply an antifeminist? Whatever you are, you are the sad and pathetic one here. Many of us have amazing sex lives, good marriages with some minor wrinkles even within our blended families and yet can find obsessive relationships odd or confusing. That doesn’t precursor us all as jealous or hateful or even part of some dr suess ideology… simply people trying to educate ourselves and perhaps fix a problem or at least be more informed for coping and decision making. Im sorry that doesn’t fit your paradigm though. With our heartfelt blessing you can go grab your club and head back to your self imposed man-cave, we got this covered. ✌🏻

      Reply
  5. John

    I love my daughters more than my wife and I expect the same of her. We brought them into this world and hopefully they will be here long after we are gone. Your ideas of romantic love take a backseat to reality. I would die for my wife or my children. If I had to choose though, I would always choose the child, even if the child was someone else’s. We are supposed to protect the weak. Romance is a courting ritual. It’s not meant to last a lifetime. Love is about mutual respect and honesty, not how often you have sex. Ask your father if he loves you or your mother more. If we had sons, I would probably be on the back burner. That’s okay. Your spouse is important but, like animals, we are ultimately here to procreate and ensure our offspring survive. I have seen the products of unloving fathers and mothers and it isn’t pretty. Yes, I know. You are glad I am mot your husband. The feeling is mutual.

    Reply
  6. goutham edara

    Wow!! Hypocrisy at its finest! Once you have children, obviously the children will be the higher priority for either parents. Getting jealous of your own daughter is fine. Because guys too feel the same when wife spends so much time with kids. Its the sacrifice you make as a couple. It speaks volumes of the persons who wants out of the relationship because they are jealous of their own f**king kids.
    If any thing to happen to my family, my mom would think of me before anyone. I expect the same from my dad. If it is not the case, you are failing as a parent. Dont wreck relations due to petty stuff.

    Reply
  7. jj

    Doesn’t go both ways. Men have earned the “come and go” reputation, whereas women are connected to their children in a deeper way. Deal.

    Reply
    1. John

      No, these day’s its women how don’t give a f&ck about commitment. They are selfish, entitled whores. Never, ever, have a child with one. They will cheat, divorce you for no reason, and take your child away with no pity. A woman is only connected to a man’s wallet as long as it’s full. So yes, they give sex for money. Just like a whore. But a least an actual whore is honest about it up front.

      Reply
  8. Chris

    I just remarried a year ago. I brought 2 sons and he brought a daughter and a son from previous marriages. His daughter is not biologically his but she is the only dad she knows about. He adopted her after his wife gave birth because the father took off. He is a little strange when it comes to her. She is 15 now and he always tells her how pretty she looks and she should be a model. Spoils her ridiculously. Treats her way better than his own bio son. When he tells me he loves me more than anything he always had to say except for my kids. To me that’s a given. I love my boys more than anything too but I wouldn’t jeopardize my marriage over it. Your children are for you to raise to grow up to be self sufficient and good people not to put before your spouse. When the kids are gone you are left with each other. I suggest truly liking, loving and caring enough of your spouse that will carry you throughout your lifetime.

    Reply
  9. Baby

    I really enjoyed reading the comments tho. So hello women i’ve been there done that! Better not to marry/live with a guy who has children already! LOL

    Reply
  10. Kt

    Wow this is some deep ****. So here is my question. What if your with a divorced man! What if his daughter who is 17 moves in with us and he notices her more, complements her more, goes out of his way to keep her happy, and spends more one on one time with her?

    Reply
  11. SS

    always good to know I am not alone in my struggles. Only thing worse than a husband more in love with his daughter than his wife is a husband more in love with his SON than his wife. (and yes, I use the term IN love on purpose). My husband brought a son from a previous marriage, along with every bit of divorced daddy guilt. He makes it very clear that his son is his first choice for everything, except sex of course. That’s my job. I am to provide sex and then watch my husband run off with his son for conversation, dining, movies, sporting events, TV time, cozying up on the couch, traveling, even celebrating holidays (yes, he will leave me at home for holidays to celebrate with his “family,” )you name it…..and my clueless husband has the audacity to complain that I don’t like sex enough. Almost funny. Of course I try telling him how I feel, but you can’t have a conversation with someone who doesn’t care enough to listen. Ladies, don’t for one second let anyone tell you that you are a selfish person for wanting to come first in your husband’s life. I have been beaten down but not broken. I know I have value, My current husband may never see that, but hopefully my next partner will! I have learned a lot from this misery….my next partner will either have a sane perspective on relationships or no kids, either will suffice.

    Reply
  12. John

    Listen people, adults make sacrifices for kids. They always have, and they always should. Grow the f&ck up and deal with it. Women – if it’s at all possible (I’m beginning to think it isn’t) put away your jealousy for the sake of raising well-adjusted human beings. Some day they will be grown and then you’ll have your husband all to your selfish self (if he hasn’t wisened up and left you).

    Reply
  13. Melyssa

    This john guy is disgusting! You sound pretty pathetic to me as a man! The Bible says spouse before children! Without your spouse your children wouldn’t exist! And like someone else posted “you raise your children to leave the nest and then all you have is your spouse!”
    So then what?!?! A child should never come before your spouse, especially if your spouse gave birth to them! You are the selfish, disgusting one! Holding on to your children for you own selfish needs?!?! To me that just says you have no identity! You’re lost! You have found yourself in your child and that has never been what having children was designed for! Gives me the chills thinking of a man like you! Creepy af! Your wife should be your queen! She should be the alpha female in your home! You and your spouse should be equals! And children should NEVER be on the same level! My husband is the same way with our daughter! He has held her on the same pedestal as me! He feels bad for her that we have a special needs child…. so he tries to make up for that! A sibling of a special needs child still needs rules and responsibilities! When you act as your child’s friend you aren’t doing them any favors! I’ve been with my husband for 17 years! And this is the first time I’ve ever felt so betrayed! It’s gross. We split 4 years ago and because he is so needy and can’t be alone, he latched on to our oldest daughter! He became her best friend! Unfortunately for him she’s a genius and he’s the idiot because she totally figured out how to pray on him and his weakness! The joke really is on him! He’s her little bitch! I find it quite comical! Adults should be adults and children should be children! A husband and wife should be placed at the same level and children should be below! When you give a child that kind of power all you’re doing is creating a monster of a human being….
    One who doesn’t have any capability of understanding the damage they could cause! Children shouldn’t be given that kind of power!….
    Period! You’re not being a good parent if you allow a situation like this to happen!

    Reply
    1. Evelyn

      Good point, Melissa. Marriage should come first! Often it does not. This is where divorce comes in and entitled children grow up to be dysfunctional adults. I can see by John’s angry comments that he has does not respect women or marriage.. Also, its completely obvious to me that he has unresolved anger issues and should seriously think about getting mental therapy. It’s quite obvious that he thinks he has the right to refer to women as whores and diminish them. Bottom line: this is a discussion forum not a ranting sessions for woman haters / abusers. If you can’t be respectful, JOHN… then stay the hell off! No one wants to read your posts that blame and demonize women!!!

      Reply
  14. Donna Davidson

    Well I had Husband who worked very diligently in making his only child co-dependent on him. It was sickening and I have never seen a father go to such extremes to please her. I mean house payments, car payments and the like you name It he paid it behind my back. The mother of the 41 year old was very jealous on her own daughter. But in what marriage we had every transaction was done behind my back. He left me on Thanksgiving to have dinner with “the family” ex-wife included. I left him multiple times…just could not take it. There is a disorder called emotional incest and it sure seems like it fits the father and daughter. She ended up breaking my arm and he moved in with her when I pressed charges. Some families are so twisted to begin with…the clue here was she could never hold a job! Just never thought he would choose her over me but he did. I do feel this was not true love on his part…just a fantasy. But what a price to pay! Childhood sweetheart who took the time to look me up…my question is why? What a waste!

    Reply
    1. WISDOM

      I have been trying to figure out a proper way to describe my husband’s relationship with his daughter and you hit it right on the head, “emotional incest”.
      Needless to say, that has all come to an end. For the past 7-8 years, I have warned my husband about what his daughter was doing. He didn’t believe me, until the day of our anniversary. His daughter had been manipulating him and every time she would visit he and I would have some of the worst arguments ever. His mother and Aunt stepped in this go round, because my foot was out the door. His daughter admitted to purposefully trying to end our marriage because she wanted her father to herself. She is 17 about to be 18. My husband was hurt after finding out the truth and not to mention almost ruining our marriage. He has and still does apologize everyday for what I have dealt with for all these years and I am still here. His daughter is no longer allow in our home nor in her grandmother or Aunt. I wish it didn’t happen that way, but she let the cat out of the bag and then some.

      Reply
  15. Nishima

    Fascinating. I’m involved with a man getting divorced from his addicted, do nothing leech wife. They have two daughters and the eldest one has him wrapped around her finger. The Leech told me once that he loves the daughter more than he loves her. That when he comes home at night they run for each other and it’s all kisses and hugs. He is a very devoted man and dealing with hypochondriac, opiate addicted leech is draining I can see how he’s maybe projecting his feelings of love and emotional connection onto her. He has essentially been a single father for their entire lives. She was too doped up to feed them, look after them. I worry though that as our relationship deepens that this little girl will become very envious and start trying to sabotage us. I’ve asked him point blank about it and he’s in denial, thinks she will be ok. We’ve enjoyed a lot of activities and outings together but never co-habitated. I’m curious too about everyone’s own emotional state in this household. Maybe the Leech is feeling unloveable herself and so she created her own reality by being so needy he turned away from her. The little girl saw the mothers needy, addicted behavior and is modeling that. Father is typical male wanting to do right and take care of his family but sees the daughter as more salvageable than the Leech. It tells me I have to be very careful and watch my own self esteem as I proceed here. It seems very easy to let me own insecurities and doubts get in the way and cloud his care and love for me. I’m happy I found this article and message board. You’ve all opened my eyes and helped me get some perspective.

    Reply

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