my husband had another affair but got someone pregnant this time
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my husband had another affair but got someone pregnant this time

My husband has cheated many times and always lies then comes clean. We have kids and I didnt want my family to be like mine growing up so I always hoped he would change but it never lasts. His most recent affair turned out like most of them where the girl didnt know he was married or thought he was seperated (which doesnt mean divorced). She started getting suspicious and found out my name and contacted me on fb. She said she is pregnant and is so sorry she fell for his lies. He has kept lying about having a girlfriend when I ask and says he always has used condoms which I already knew wasn’t true from before. I dont know why I put up with his crap so long. She never told him she was pregnant when she found out and has now cut off contact with him. She asked me not to tell him anything about contacting me until she leaves. She doesnt want anything to do with him. Her and I have talked on messenger alot. Trying to work through the betrayal together. I really want to confront him with this because im so angry. The other affairs were bad but this is the ultimate insult to a wife. I dont think I can get over this one with out absolute change which he always promised and maybe not even then. It will be hard to be a mom on my own with a bunch of kids but this is the lowest of low. I dont know if I should tell him that I know he has a child after she’s gone or just leave that part out. What do you think.

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Editor's Response

Your husband knows he has nothing to lose. Because he has gotten away with cheating on you as many times as he has, he has no real concern over the consequences of his actions. He knows all he has to do is say he’s sorry and promise not to cheat on you again.

The thing is, your husband’s actions are affecting other people besides the two of you. He’s going around deceiving other women, having affairs with them but failing to disclose the fact that he’s a married man. And now there’s a baby involved. He’s basically just going around like a dog without a care, having his way with any woman who falls for his come-on. It’s all about him getting his kicks. He does not care about these women. And it would be unfortunate if he’s able to just continue to get away with this behavior.

Both you and the girl he has impregnated are in a position to see that he is made to take some responsibility for his actions. Since you are talking to this girl find out what she plans to do about the pregnancy. If she’s planning to have the baby then you should encourage her to tell your husband that she’s pregnant and that he’s going to be responsible for supporting the child. In the meantime, you have given your husband more than enough chances. Stop hoping that he’s going to change. He’s not going to. If you’re going to stay married to him accept that fact. There will be other women and possibly other pregnancies. And this can, and probably will, go on for the rest of your married lives together.

Unless you have an otherwise strong relationship and a pretty solid marriage outside of your husband’s need to keep sowing his wild oats, if you’re in a healthy place mentally, emotionally and financially, there’s no reason for you to hang on to this marriage. But if you’re not ready to think or talk divorce, then you need to figure out some way of dealing with your husband and his cheating other than just hoping he will stop.

Maybe a separation? Or go ahead and just agree to an open marriage? Open marriages work for some people. But open marriage doesn’t mean that other people get deceived in the process. So even if you decide, “okay fine, if he’s going to cheat anyway I’ll just give him permission and be done with it”, that doesn’t solve your problem if he’s going to go around having affairs but leading the women to believe he’s single or separated. It also doesn’t solve your problem if he’s going to be irresponsible about the whole thing and get women pregnant. You also have the risk that he might have an affair with a woman who might knowingly or unknowingly pass on a deadly STD. That puts you in danger if you continue to engage in sexual activity with him.

All in all, it sounds like you’re in a situation you have no power to control outside of your power to walk away from it. As long as your husband knows he has nothing to lose (and right now he knows he has nothing to lose), he will not first consider how his actions will affect you and what it might cost him. And from what it sounds, even the threat of losing you might not stop him. He will probably rebound faster than you can blink your eye. So it’s all up to you to decide what is in your best interest. You say that you’re staying because you want a better life for your children than the life you had growing up. Well, sometimes children suffer more from being made to grow up in a home with two parents who do not have a healthy marriage, than they suffer from having to grow up in two homes because of divorced parents. You and your husband can still properly love and nurture your children and raise them to be happy and healthy even if you get divorced. Even without your husband’s help and participation you can raise happy and healthy children. So the children need not be the reason you choose to stay.

The question you need to be asking yourself is what are the reasons that I have to stay in this marriage. How do the benefits of staying compare to the benefits of leaving? How do the benefits of staying compare to the detriments of staying?

Good luck with your situation. Seek wisdom, serenity and courage to face your fears. Surrender to the truth and accept the path of honesty. Trust yourself and you’ll be able to make the right decision for yourself and your children.

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Disclaimer: Editor's Response answers should not be taken for expert advice. The person behind the Editor's Response is not a relationship expert but just a regular member of the general public and all Editor's Response answers should be considered in the same light as an opinion given by a random individual on the street. Some Marriage questions are manufactured by Marriage Scene writers based on Internet research.
0 0 435 22 May, 2015 Marriage Answers May 22, 2015

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