Well about 3 years ago I caught my husband lying then he said he chooses me then he started wanting me to perform oral sex when we’ve been married 15 years and never was an issue now he wants me to have oral sex every day and I’m just not willing to as my jaw hurts and I really don’t like to do this and never did the past 15 years now he’s getting mad at me and says fine then no sex at all just not fair I’m trying to keep my family together we have a 17 year old and 11 year old I really just fine what should I do? He had said he never had an affair but I know he did as he has never wanted oral sex now that’s all he wants and I’m done and I’ve told him I’m done so what can I do different to makes us both happy as I’ve never liked oral sex I have a small mouth and I don’t like to perform oral sex and I keep telling him but he just don’t get it.

Editor's Response

It’s not necessarily the case that your husband had an affair, but even if he did, that’s not what you seem to be concerned about. You seem to be mainly frustrated about his sudden demands for oral sex and looking for a solution that will keep you both happy without oral sex having to become part of your sexual repertoire.

From your descriptions of your husband he appears to be as frustrated with you over not performing oral sex on him as you are frustrated with him for suddenly wanting you to do it after 15 years of it not being an issue.

Based on some of the active discussions on the same subject on this and other married related websites, I would suggest you consider another possible solution. You clearly have a distaste for performing oral sex; but this is your husband. And you have expressed a desire for you both to be happy. You asked: “what can I do different to makes us both happy.”

There are a few options.

  1. Make a conscious, sincere, heartfelt and committed effort to overcome your distaste for performing oral sex. That doesn’t mean just get up one day and say okay fine then, if that’s what will make you happy then I’ll do it but I won’t like it. Because then you are approaching the matter with zero interest and desire and it will likely only heighten your resentment of your husband even if you might manage to perform well enough to physically please him. It won’t result in any increase in long-term happiness for either of you. So take some time to prepare yourself. Figure out what if anything lies behind your distaste. It seems from what you say that it’s uncomfortable for you because of your small mouth. That sounds like a technique issue. You don’t have a technique that works for you. So buy some toys and work at finding the technique that allows you to perform without having to suffer discomfort. In addition to that, figure out what it takes to help you loosen up. What do you need from your husband in order to be comfortable with him in that way? Figure that out and convey that to him. Let him know the part he’s going to need to play. For example, maybe you’ll need for him to smell a certain way. Maybe you’ll need for him to be even cleaner than usual. Maybe you’ll need for him to handle you a certain way to help you feel more relaxed and comfortable. Take the time to understand yourself and figure out what it takes to get you interested enough to at least make the effort. 15 years is a long time and we get to that point of boredom with our spouse; but if a person is in the right frame of mind they can work up desire kissing a pillow. So you can work up desire for your husband in the right frame of mind. Of course it will require his help. If you’re turned off because of things he’s doing or not doing, clearly he’ll need to start doing the things he’s not doing to make you desire him and stop doing the things he’s doing to turn you off. So this is something you’re going to have to do together. If either of you is not willing to do your part, things will just remain as they are until something outside of your marriage forces change.
  2. Allow your husband to get what he wants elsewhere if it is just the act that’s important to him. In other words, if it’s not about you and sharing in this intimate act with you specifically, but just a matter of him wanting some head every other day regardless of who performs it, let him indulge his desires. We can’t demand of another person that they don’t seek fulfillment of their desires on account of how that will make us feel. Think about what that boils down to. Someone wants something. They ask us for it but we don’t want to give it to them even though we can. And we don’t want them to get it from anyone else either. It’s something that will make them happy; but for them to get it from someone else will make us unhappy. Easy solution is for us to give it to them because we can; but we don’t want to for whatever reason. We refuse. And we also demand that, although we’re refusing to do give them what they want to make them happy, they must give us what we want to make us happy by not going out and trying to get what they want from someone else. Does that sound even remotely reasonable or fair to you?

You absolutely do have a right not to do something you don’t like to do or want to do; but you do not have the right to stop your husband from doing what he likes to do and wants to do (or in this case likes to have done to him and wants to have done to him). Yes, the consequence of allowing your husband to seek sexual fulfillment outside of your marriage could be that your marriage will fall apart. But your marriage probably will fall apart either way. The key to “possibly” holding it together, is working at a mutually fulfilling relationship. This is going to mean doing things you would rather not do, both of you. Because what fulfills your needs in the relationship is clearly different from what fulfills your husband’s needs. Marriage is difficult. The kind of compromises that have to be made are ones that sometimes cut to the core of a person’s being.

For you, oral sex is something abhorrent. You don’t want any part of it. For your husband it’s a need that is urgent enough to result in feelings of frustration and unhappiness over your refusal to meet those specific needs. Maybe you’re right. Maybe he did go outside your marriage and had some experiences that made him realize he doesn’t want to continue to be deprived of oral sex. Your choices:

  1. Allow him to get it elsewhere but still maintain your marriage
  2. Allow him to leave if you don’t want him to go outside of the marriage, but you also refuse to perform oral sex under any circumstance, and he refuses to continue to be married without it
  3. Find a way to overcome your distaste for the act and learn to do it in a manner that pleases your husband and also pleases you.