I caught my husband sexting, asking my sister for sex. They both act like its nothing serious because no one acted on it, or have ever talked about it-sex in person. She says she wasn’t receptive of him,and he states the same, he says for some reason he couldn’t stop even when she threatened to tell me. And never did, so he kept it up until he gave me the phone and let me find them. What caused this and what should i do.

Editor's Response

What caused this was that your husband wanted to have sex with your sister and he decided that what he wanted was worth whatever the risk that came with trying to get it; so he went after it.

Sometimes people do things just because they want to. It isn’t necessarily the case that something you did or did not do caused your husband to do what he did. It sounds like you’re worried that you might have somehow driven him to  do this, but whatever might be going on in your marriage, your husband is 100% responsible for the choices he makes. People can influence our choices and decisions but they don’t make us do the things we do. Unless you’re a child, no one can make you do anything you don’t want to do unless they are going to force you by some means of threat.

So don’t right away start wondering where you went wrong and what you did wrong or didn’t do right to cause your husband to try to get sex from your sister. That’s an indication that you’re willing to accept blame. It makes it easier for your husband to excuse his way out without having to accept any responsibility for his own choices and decisions. As long as you’re willing to believe that you caused it by not giving him what he wants or needs, whatever that may be, he can just agree with this conclusion, sit back and enjoy the show while you run around trying to make everything right in the hope that he won’t do it again.

As for your sister, it can be very difficult to be placed in a situation like this. How do you tell your sister that her husband is trying to get you to sleep with him? Some sisters would tell without hesitation because they think their brother-in-law is out of line and they want their sister to know her husband is looking to betray her. Some would struggle with the decision because they don’t want to cause problems in their sister’s marriage. If your sister wasn’t texting back inappropriate things to your husband, and if she never did anything to invite your husband’s attention, then you can’t hold any of this against her. It’s not her fault.

It’s also not uncommon for a husband to lust after his wife’s sister. It happens; but usually there are boundaries in place and most people respect those boundaries. Maybe this is a case where your sister was flirty-friendly with your husband, and he misinterpreted it as sexual interest and decided to take a chance and see if she would be willing to have sex with him. He wouldn’t necessarily have decided to take a chance because he’s not happy with what he has. It could have just been a case of him wanting more and not being of the mindset that being married means he can’t have sex with other women.

At the end of the day, he is the only person who can provide the answers you seek. Let him explain to you why he did what he did; and make your decision as to what you should do, based on that.