Family breaking apart. Help
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Family breaking apart. Help

Guest wrote: Guys i’m going through this now and i need help. And ears. Not just all of you being judgemental. I was with my bf for 6 years always had unprotected sex never had a baby. He was a piece of shit always cheated on me and my dumb ass stayed. One day i met this guy at work and we started messing around. He knew i had a bf he never stopped chasing after me. Now after starting to fall for this guy i finally dump my bf of 6 years for the new guy and i found i was pregnant. We never questioned it cuz it just didnt make sense that it coulda been the first bf after not conceiving for 6 years. Now we fall in love buy a house we are a family for a whole year. Someone questions my daughter and him as being dad and daughter. And me feeling as i knew the truth. Did the dna test and it turned out it’s not my husband. Now he’s broken hearted and everything’s falling to shit for a f**king mistake i made and i didn’t even realize it. I dont know what to do.

Editor’s Comment: It’s understandable that it would be upsetting to your current partner to discover that he’s not the father of the child. It cannot be easy to think you are someone’s dad for a whole year only to discover that you’re really not. It takes a great deal of maturity to be able to put aside your own feelings in the matter and choose to accept responsibility for the child anyway. And the choice to stay with the child’s mother requires that you completely trust her and love her and know that this was indeed just a mistake for which no one is to be blamed. If your partner is struggling not just with the reality of discovering he’s not the dad, but with feelings of anger towards you and with not wanting to stay and continue on with your life as a family, then he might be having doubts that this was in fact a mistake.

There’s really nothing you can do other than to allow him the time he needs to deal with his feelings in the matter. He’s probably very angry, and our reasoning when we’re angry is usually faulty. Hopefully once things settle down he’ll realize that nothing has really changed. After all, he must have known that you were sexually involved with your then boyfriend at the same time that you and he were fooling around. Even if you made the assumption that the baby could not have been your boyfriend’s on account of the fact that you had been having unprotected sex with him for 6 years and never got pregnant, you both must have understood that the possibility existed anyway. Just as a matter of mathematical science. Neither of you can have thought there was zero probability that the child could be your ex-boyfriend’s. So your partner made a choice well before you had your baby. He made a choice to be with you and the child knowing there was a chance that the child was not his. He decided to go with your conviction and your belief that the child must be his; but he is responsible for that decision. Because he knew you had a boyfriend and he knew (presumably) that you were sexually active with your boyfriend. Regardless how many years you were having unprotected sex without getting pregnant, he should have known your boyfriend could possibly be the father. So all that’s happening now is that it has turned out you both assumed wrong in thinking he couldn’t be just because he hadn’t gotten you pregnant in 6 years.

It cannot be easy to think you are someone’s dad for a whole year only to discover that you’re really not. It takes a great deal of maturity to be able to put aside your own feelings in the matter and choose to accept responsibility for the child anyway. Give him some time. If he leaves anyway, realize that he probably wanted to leave all along and this gave him the needed excuse. Or else, he really thought there was not even a remote chance he might not be the father. So this is completely and utterly devastating and he just can’t handle it right now.

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0 0 177 21 February, 2016 Save your marriage February 21, 2016

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