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what to do with a liar and cheat?
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what to do with a liar and cheat?

I have been married for 4 years now and it started off great. Right before we got married I found out he was married before but he had told me they had no kid’s together. I was upset that he was not honest with me but I married him anyways. In that first year one of are co-workers had mentioned to me that he had kids. So when I asked him about it he denied it and said they were not his biological kids that he met her and she had already had them. The 2nd year we were married I we decided to file taxes jointly and they took my money and his because he owed back child support. This mad me mad because he had told me the kids were not his and he continued to lie. He then explained to me that he adopted the kids and that’s why and he did not think this could happen. The 3rd year we were married I got pregnant and during the pregnancy we were living in different states and i was supporting him till he found a job because we were transiting to move and he found a job to set us up. During this time he started acting different and the only thing I had access to was are cell phone records. So I started looking at them everyday after work. Their was this one number that kept coming up. They would take for hours and message each other a lot. So when I went to visit him for the holidays she would text him about him going to visit her and her kid. I asked him about it and he said he thought he told me. I told him how he thought going to see a single woman in another city was appropriate. I am 6 months pregnant at the time.this visit did not go to good and we just argued. He stopped texting and calling this lady after a week of confronting him about him still calling and texting her and I was trying to work things out due to my pregnancy. After I had are baby I was alone taking care of her and working for 6 months. He became verbally abusive by calling me a bad wife and I’m not worth nothing. I would get up at 3 or 4 in the morning and would not make it home till 6 at night. He did not like to be on the phone with me when I was pumping, washing bottle or giving the babu a bath. So by the time I was done doing all that and getting my self ready for bed it was late and he would get mad that I fell asleep on the phone and how I would not make time for him. He would not like to heir how I was tired because he would tell me don’t act like your the firs single mom out their.he gave me no emotional support. While he was working he lived with my parents to save money and they would ask me if he was okay because he did not come home or somthing. So I would ask him what happened and he will blow up on me calling my parents names and saying I’m giving him shit. So when I did move and we were finally together I was applying for a job that needed his step kid’s both days. Will come to find out he lied again about the kids not being his. One of the kids is biological his. After catching him in all these big lies he don’t think it’s a big deal. He tells me it has nothing to do with me and it’s non of my business. Then just recently I find him messaging a girl from work. I asked him about it and he denied it. It was not until I read the messages to him that he said he was messaging her. The messages were him telling her she is beautiful and eing so supportive to her. Asking about her kids and if she eaten that day. Then they got worse. He would tell her they need to make out and more vulgar messages. He would never mention me or are baby. Now he is telling me that I’m the one not trying in this marriage and I’m the problem. I want to get a divorce but is it the right thing to do?

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Editor's Response

There is so much here and yet not enough information to really know what is going on in your marriage. Before I venture further let me re-iterate that I am no relationship expert and these are just my personal opinions. I do not give relationship advice because I’m not qualified to do so. Now, after reading your complaint, my first thought when you wrote “I want to get a divorce but is it the right thing to do?” was “Er, hello!!!??? I know a good divorce lawyer, should I call her on your behalf?”

But having been married 19 years come April 2016, I know that the story of a marriage cannot be summed up in a single blog post and cannot be told by just one person in the relationship.

Your report makes your husband sound like someone from whom you should immediately run far far away and try very hard to wipe any memory of from your mind. But what’s missing from your report is your husband’s answers and explanations. And when you say he accuses you of being the reason your marriage isn’t working, it makes me curious to hear how he explains that comment. Why does he think that you’re the reason the marriage isn’t working. If he were doing the complaining, might he be as effective in painting a picture that elicits sympathy on his behalf and makes you appear to be someone from whom he should immediately run far far away?

The point here is, if all anyone knows about your marriage is what we’ve just read in your complaint, then most people would want to shake you and ask if you’re crazy. Why would you still be married to someone like this? Your husband sounds like he isn’t very reliable, responsible, honest or remotely likable. He doesn’t sound like someone any woman would wish on her worse enemy; but you are still married to him and although you’re contemplating divorce, you’re not sure it’s the right thing to do. So clearly, things cannot possibly be as obviously a lost cause in reality as they seem from what you’ve shared. Because, based only on what you’ve shared, there doesn’t seem to be any question as to whether or not divorcing your husband is the right thing to do. So the fact that you’re not sure suggests that there is more to the story than just your husband’s lies about his children with his first wife and his texting other women, and basically (from the picture you paint) acting like a jerk.

At the end of the day, if you’re not happy in your marriage you shouldn’t stay if you don’t have to stay. If you have the means, the courage and the desire to leave, and if no lives will be torn apart by your leaving, why stay? What’s the benefit to you or your husband or your child for you to remain married to someone with whom you would rather not have to associate at all much less to have to associate with this person every day? Marriage doesn’t typically get easier, so if you’re contemplating divorce after just 4 years, it might be better to do it now than put in another six years. You’ll have more to lose after 10 years.

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Disclaimer: Editor's Response answers should not be taken for expert advice. The person behind the Editor's Response is not a relationship expert but just a regular member of the general public and all Editor's Response answers should be considered in the same light as an opinion given by a random individual on the street. Some Marriage questions are manufactured by Marriage Scene writers based on Internet research.
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2 comments

  1. vmzh

    I have field for divorce but I feel guilty about it and I don’t know if it because he keeps telling me I’m not trying or I did not try hard enough in the marriage. I do care about him and this is my first marriage and we are over 30. I think it’s the fact that we have a baby together. His complaint’s were that I did not give him enough attention and I would tell him its hard by my self in another state and its not just me I have are baby. he would tell me that that’s always my excuse the baby the baby. I have not lied to him or looked for comfort from anyone else. while I was working I had not time or energy to do anything. He would complain about how I make him feel like a disappointment but I’m angry and he is a disappointment with all his lies. don’t get me wrong I did financially support him and he never went with out what he need until he got a job.

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  2. marie2

    Wow girl, whats wrong with your self esteem that you would tolerate so much abuse and disrespectful unloving cruel heartbreaking treatment from some guy??? Please go make an appt. with a counselor to boost up your self esttem, yours is in the toilet. Id run so fast away from this guy, and never look back or listen to anything he ever has to say to me again. I left my ex when our son was almost 2 and Im now remarried to a great guy who treats me like a princess and spoils me rotten. Oh man Im so glad I divorced that other jerk who made my life so unhappy. Hes with some other girl that he cheats on. I feel bad for her but she has no self esteem. Shes even pretty which is weird. Youd think she could do soo much better. But she stays. Better her than me. I hope you open your eyes and get the help you need to learn to care about yourself and stop letting him treat you like dirt. If you dont get counseling you will end up with another loser that disrespects you. You must learn to love,value,honor and respect yourself first if you want to have a man in your life that respects you. Otherwise your just fair game to all the ass wipes out there. You want to be friends with jerks like that then thats cool I guess, but dont date him or try to have a relationship with him.God Bless

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