Time to move on
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Time to move on

I was only 18 when I met you I liked you alot even though I was seeing someone else at the time didn’t know that a year later I would be married to you.From the our engagement ceremony I felt something was off the way you acted with me around other people was as though you were doing me a favour by marrying me because I needed “fixing”. The night my mom let us out together and I kissed you ( yes I know how forward of me to initiate the kiss) and you said you felt nothing and I started crying I should have known not to take the relationships further or even marry you but I guess God had his own plan for me and my life with you. From day one being married to you was a struggle a heart breaking struggle. I know you might ask why did I stay then and I agree I could have left but I was broken at the time trying to show you that I could be worthy of your love your time I wanted love desperately and I was going to settle for anything especially since I was married I had to make it work some how I didn’t want to be divorced and alone like my mom had ended up after years of abuse. We had our ups and downs mostly downs lots of downs mostly because you couldn’t see who I am I kept trying thought I wasn’t trying hard enough so I kept giving trying harder to prove to you up until a year ago it must have been when something just went off on the inside of me I realised that you actually never going to see me for who I am because you don’t want to. It was only good enough for the sex . You never heard me seen me or seem the person I am. I realised that after 7 years of living with you nothing had ever changed it was actually getting worse because I had started accepting the way you treated me and tried to convince myself that you loved me . The thing is If it were love I would have felt it I would have not needed to keep telling myself you love me . Or that you loved differently. For the miles of running I did for you it felt like you had only taken two steps forward deep down I always knew I don’t belong with you I wished and prayed for a long time that you could be the one.. I don’t even know why ..there was no peace never at least not for me. I don’t want to cry anymore I guess I will have to take the first step towards living without all the pain . Today right now as I write this I make a promise to myself today will be the last day I ever cry over you . Today I will love myself enough to hold my own hand and lead myself away from the years of emotional abuse I have received from you. I will be free I will be loved and I will love again.

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0 2 254 12 June, 2016 Dear Husband June 12, 2016

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2 comments

  1. BrokenHeartedx4

    I know how you are feeling and what little heart and feeling I have left hurts for you! I too got involved with a man who truly didn’t enjoy me like me love me want me but he sure needed me. When you said you ran a million miles for him and only saw two steps forward it hit home! I’m running in circles as fast as I can for the man I love and he isn’t even taking two steps forward, he’s just sitting around doing nothing but letting me run in circles and enjoying it. We’ve only been together a short time, never married but he got me pregnant within the first few months…. Which he said he would and the day I became pregnant was the day my hell and real abuse started! Since that day I’ve been beaten, verbally assaulted, everything I own has been trashed, my family has been threatened my friends have been threatened I’m literally still there for him! I’ve paid his bills and let him live in my home for the last few years and he’s never contributed! This last year after I had the baby I had to leave so I did and he still sits there while I pay his bills rent and support him just because the thought of him having nothing kills me but yet he doesn’t care me and the kids are on the street! I have done everything and anything to show him someone can love him even for his faults and things he can’t control but he will never give me the respect or show that he’s grateful and he will just keep taking. When I try and walk away he threatens to kill himself or threatens to kill me for leaving him so alone and playing games with his heart…. So I tell him I’m still here that I love and support him and then he’s gone again…. Leaving me to wonder, question, hurt and suffer. I realized the only thing he enjoys is seeing me suffer and the only thing I enjoy is making sure he isn’t although he deserves to be treated how he treats me and I deserve to be treated how I treat him! Our baby is not almost 8 months and he knows nothing about her hardly has seen her and when he does I can tell it’s just to say he did…. Nothing breaks my heart more then to know I went through all of this for a man who will never love me or my children! Yesterday I made the decision to not take this pain anymore and to no longer let him destroy my destiny, if anyone is going to it will be me! At this moment all I want to do is run from everything I know love and need and it’s all because I don’t feel worthy since the one man I gave my world to didn’t even care and man what I’d do is someone gave their world to me in that way! Oh to only feel loved the way we love…. One day! And the first step is getting rid of the desire to be wanted or needed and one day we will realize this our worlds will be in a place unimaginable at this time with all our pain! We don’t want to go on because we lack trust intimacy companionship and don’t want them with anyone else but the ones who destroyed us…. So life’s pretty shitty for us now just cause we loved truly deeply and unconditionally…. Let’s just hope that one day there will be the moment we feel loved and deserving of ones love…. I can only wish that for you as its what I wish for anyone who shares our pain! Being unloved and abused is the worst mental feeling in the world but remember it takes an amazing person to try and live such a crazy life loving someone who doesn’t deserve your time and still being true to your love to them so you’re a good person keep it up and I hope you find the person worth your love! Don’t look back girl…. Let go of the pain!

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  2. marie2

    I wish that there was a mandatory high school class titled…Love yourself first. Us girls are not taught to love ourselves and explore our own sexuality and emotions by ourselves. We are taught through the media and social cues that our value and worth and satisfaction in life comes from who and what we are to others. I too have had to break that cycle in my own life. Im married 20 years and with counseling I have decided to stay in my marriage (its not abusive) but I was very unhappy. The first thing I had to do was learn to love myself and take care of myself first. FIRST.Good luck sweety on this amazing jurney you are on and as your finding your self and realizing your own value and worth ,nurtureing yourself, you will draw a lot of attention from men. Learn to pick and choose wisely. Be very selective. You do have options HUGS

    Reply

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