I started dating my ex two years ago but we’ve known of each other for a decade. He’s 42 with 5 children from 4 different mothers and with none of the girls he got pregnant being in our circle all we knew was his side and let’s just say of course they were the other woman’s fault. Now very quickly let me tell you I’ve been raised by my mother only my entire life and she is the best mother anyone could ever ask for and has always loved me unconditionally and since she was all I had, that’s the only love I know. I’m also a human who has made mistakes and not intentionally meaning to hurt people but I have and it does effect me that I’ve caused others pain so I have learned to not judge anyone because truly you don’t know what anyone feels even if you’ve been thru the same situation your brains don’t comprehend things in the same way react in the same way or cause feelings in the same way so I accept everyone and try and give most the benefit of the doubt.

Instantly he began to draw me in with the victim roll and I of course fell for it. He would get angry and have rage and I’d ask why and he’d say it was his children not being in his life, so I felt for him and feel for him. He comes from foster homes and doesn’t know real love but he knows abuse. He told me he’d get me pregnant in two months and I thought wow this man wants to have a child with me he must love me more then anything to make that commitment. He got me pregnant as planned and I got sick and lost the baby and it appeared to have destroyed both of us but I was fooled. He started calling me baby killer and death machine and telling me what kind of woman am if I can’t even have a baby?! I thought he was depressed because he was out of work and if he really wanted the baby he must just be heartbroken….

Things were rocky but we decided to try and have another baby. I spent months in the hospital and we tried month after month and couldn’t conceive then we decided to run away for Valentines to another state and our little miracle was conceived. Of course we didn’t know then but the day I found out I was pregnant was the day my nightmare began…. I was being physically abused almost instantly. The mental abuse was almost the normal. I gave up my life and hid inside my house. I was in the hospital one day and we started arguing because he wasn’t caring and he got really angry and said my dogs gonna pay! I called my Mom asked her to rush over there and she found my dog a bloody mess. She rushed her to the vet hospital and luckily after stitches pain meds rest and her eyes opened from being swollen shut she was able to come home and she a 90 pound pitbull was scared to enter the house. When I walked in I saw why! There was blood splattered everywhere and holes in the wall from her head being kicked in. I could not believe my eyes and my heart was devastated.

I couldn’t understand what was going on with him and even though I hated him more then anything I felt for him as a human and wanted to help him get help. Instead he stole thousands of dollars from me destroyed almost everything I own…. Two cars, cut up couches, all my flat screens smashed, sugar poured into my carpets, stuff poured out everywhere, my clothes ripped up my pictures smashed, artwork cut up and every door in the house busted down and to top it off the fire extinguisher!

I was f**king devastated but at the same time I was pregnant and didn’t understand how this was happening how I was going to get thru even though I pay all the bills and he doesn’t contribute, I just felt like I believed this man when he promised to care for me and love me and I don’t know how it got the way it did. Anyways I can go on and on, porn Hub sites, emails to other woman, midnight texts from other woman saying I miss you. Texts to his ex saying he wanted me dead and does she want a roommate….

Caught him at a gas station talking to another woman after he had gotten gas in the morning so I questioned him he said “you’re crazy” and I went and asked her myself…. He had been talking to her and trying to further things along! He leaves almost every night of the week for band practice, recording or a show and guess who’s left behind. He actually came home one day and said he was leaving me knocked up and went bye bye but then he came back two weeks later.

Hell went on and on until I had the baby and he was not the father I thought he’d be even though he hated me…. He was taking it out on the baby and by no means being abusive but didn’t care to be around her. I couldn’t handle the abuse myself and being left behind every night so I moved out of my home all the new stuff I bought to furnish and decorate paid the bills for the last six months even though I’m not there and he’s never contributed! I got so upset I lost it went into his messages thru the computer watched him where he went and completely lost it not understanding what was happening and most of you are wondering why the heck would you ever stay….

Any time I tried to leave my life and my families and friends life’s were threatened! Not only that but he’d threaten suicide so I keep staying and dealing with it to protect everyone. All I got was a text every morning saying “Morning love you”…. And at night I’d get “have a good night, love you” so I knew he was just using me for a place to stay and for me to keep paying his bills so I decided not to believe him one day when he said if I walk out he’d kill himself and I did anyways and he sent me a video of him tying a rope around his neck and the top of the stairs and then saying goodbye…. I got to him in time don’t know how I lifted the rope up to un latch it but I wasn’t going to let the love of my life die like that so we tried again and it never stopped, he never even tried to pretend to do more, he just kept getting worse. I know he doesn’t care doesn’t love me and it not normal but that makes me not want to give up on him….

I know it’s my own fault but that’s where the unconditional love thing comes into play…. Their is obviously something wrong with this man, I see his pain, I’ve seen him suffering, he needs help, I couldn’t imagine being that tormented in my own head for that long (ever since childhood) so my heart hurts for him (I’m also the one who feels bad stepping on ants or killing spiders) but at what point to I test the threats test the suicide and get away? He says he is leaving me and ultimately I know it’s best but I don’t believe he won’t come back after I’ve got my lifeboat back together again. I don’t know if I could reject him if he did come back and tell me he’s changed and blah blah because I want to believe in him! I’m so messed up mentally and I know this its just I only know one love and that’s never giving up! I wouldn’t cut my mom off is she became mentally unstable and a threat to my safety…. She’s never cut me off and I couldn’t imagine cutting off anyone I love so dearly as my mom or my ex. What the he’ll is wrong with me and will I get past this pain? Now he’s telling me to let go….. All that and I get nothing…. I’m crushed! Please help me to understand why I can’t let go!!