B-In 20 years, we’ve been through so much. 2 kids, careers, houses, animals, financial ruin…the list goes on.
We have also grown apart in so many ways, and closer in others. We’ve grown up together. I know your every move, facial expression, gesture, silence..
That’s how I know you aren’t happy with me anymore. I knew it the first time you told me you wanted us to be swingers. You said you needed variety, no strings attached sex because you didn’t want to cheat on me. It broke my heart. Your admission of this has made me insecure, jealous and on guard. I knew at that moment, it will be a matter of time before the clock runs out. Now, drifting into our 40’s, you long for a younger, hotter, freeer version of me. I long for a more sensitive, more intellectual you. 2 people we both will never be. We stay because of the kids. Plain and simple.
I wish I knew the way out. I wish that I knew how to save it. I wish we could go back and do things differently. I wish it was the day we got married all over again. I’d do so many things differently.
I would have recognized that you were a narcissist who thrives on crazy making, and gaslighting. Someone who only cares about sex and your agenda. Someone who’s wife and kids got in the way of all their dreams..the life you slowly but surely no longer want.
Some day though, we won’t care…we will be separated and although I will never heal from the emotional damage you have inflicted, I will be better.