My husband told me while we were lying in bed casually chatting that he was thinking maybe in a few years after he has retired and our son and daughter are settled in their lives and doing well that he would go back to his homeland to live out the rest of his life. Right after he said that I think he realized the implications and so he added that he would of course make sure I was okay and settled before he would do this? Like he would do it only once I was secure and able to take care of myself or the kids were able and willing to take care of me. How am I supposed to feel about this? Because it basically says to me that he does not want to be with me. But he insists that I’m wrong about that? Am I crazy here?
I mean, after he said what he said I told him it boils down to him saying he doesn’t love me, he isn’t committed to the ’till death’ vows we took, and he wants to leave and go where his heart really is, but he couldn’t understand where I was coming from. So I used his mother and father as an example. I said to him, imagine your dad telling your mom that he wants to go and live in Italy (by himself) for the rest of his years. How is that not the same thing as leaving her? And leaving her at a time in life when all she really has is him? Then he realized what he had just revealed to me about how he really feels, and then he started to try and insist I was misunderstanding him.
He’s trying to convince me that he loves me and doesn’t want to be apart from me and it was just a random thought that popped into his head? Hello, you told it to me in all seriousness and as if you fully expected it to make sense to me, like you were talking to a friend/sister about your plan for your retirement years.
But I guess at the end of the day it’s silly of me to be acting surprised and hurt. I mean, he has never really seemed to be truly engaged or shown any sign of really wanting to be here after all these years. The emotional attachment is one-sided here. And he has only been staying because he doesn’t want to be the bad guy. I guess it’s on me to accept the consequences of staying and growing more emotionally attached to someone who was always keeping his distance and only ever wanted sex from me. And with me now going through an adjustment in my life, he’s not attracted to me any more due to my significant weight loss, so he has nothing to stay around for in his mind. So now, after everything we’ve been through and all the times I begged him to leave so he wouldn’t continue to hurt me by making it so obvious that he felt no real attachment to me, but he refused to leave because he was getting good sex, now there’s nothing here that he wants. So now he’s ready to leave, now when I don’t have as many years to rebuild a life as I did when I was begging him to leave but he wouldn’t. And I’m supposed to be the big person and say okay, go in peace. I’m supposed to set him free because I love him, and because I know as well as he does that he only feels a sense of obligation and never has really ever wanted to be married to me?