My husband and I met and married when we were very young. We never had other romantic partners, and have been together many years now. We have five children.

By chance I discovered that my husband was secretly communicating with multiple women offering to help them make babies. He was filled by joy and excitement at the prospect–but it has devastated me. My sense of self has been rocked–I am the mother of his children–all his children. I don’t want to share that distinction with another woman (or multiple women). I want him all for myself.

It hurt me that in his “marketing” material he used our children’s academic success as proof that he has good sperm, and he used our long monogamous marriage as proof that his sperm is safe. It felt like an extra betrayal that he was using our family to entice other women to choose him. He believes that since he would only use artificial insemination it wouldn’t be a betrayal at all.

It also shocks me that he would consider creating a child and then abandoning it. He has always been such a loving and engaged father to our children–how could he shut his heart off to his own flesh and blood? I thought we knew each other so well, but now nothing seems certain. He sees this as a way to help childless couples, and insists the resulting child wouldn’t be his. I can’t see it as anything but his child with another woman.

My husband never got to the point of meeting with the would-be recipients, and now has promised not to move forward unless I change my mind to embrace this process. He is very sad that he has “let down” the recipients. I’m grateful for his promise to not create a child, but I’m wounded by his desire to be a donor.

I’m having trouble rebuilding trust in our relationship. I’m worried that his desire to be a donor will break our marriage.