My husband wants to be a sperm donor
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My husband wants to be a sperm donor

My husband and I met and married when we were very young. We never had other romantic partners, and have been together many years now. We have five children.

By chance I discovered that my husband was secretly communicating with multiple women offering to help them make babies. He was filled by joy and excitement at the prospect–but it has devastated me. My sense of self has been rocked–I am the mother of his children–all his children. I don’t want to share that distinction with another woman (or multiple women). I want him all for myself.

It hurt me that in his “marketing” material he used our children’s academic success as proof that he has good sperm, and he used our long monogamous marriage as proof that his sperm is safe. It felt like an extra betrayal that he was using our family to entice other women to choose him. He believes that since he would only use artificial insemination it wouldn’t be a betrayal at all.

It also shocks me that he would consider creating a child and then abandoning it. He has always been such a loving and engaged father to our children–how could he shut his heart off to his own flesh and blood? I thought we knew each other so well, but now nothing seems certain. He sees this as a way to help childless couples, and insists the resulting child wouldn’t be his. I can’t see it as anything but his child with another woman.

My husband never got to the point of meeting with the would-be recipients, and now has promised not to move forward unless I change my mind to embrace this process. He is very sad that he has “let down” the recipients. I’m grateful for his promise to not create a child, but I’m wounded by his desire to be a donor.

I’m having trouble rebuilding trust in our relationship. I’m worried that his desire to be a donor will break our marriage.

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0 5 201 23 March, 2017 Marriage Questions March 23, 2017

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5 comments

  1. carolina

    Hello, I read your story and found it very interesting. It’s a hard one to know what to think. I understand where you’re coming from; but I think maybe you’re not looking at this with the most open possible mind. Like I said, it’s a tough topic. Because your feelings are important and what you say makes sense. But in some ways it’s selfish. So many children are born who don’t know their father. So many men impregnate women who never meet their children and don’t even know or care that they might have children out there. For a man to have children with more than one woman doesn’t have to diminish your value as the mother of your husband’s children, nor diminish the importance of the children you and he have together. And especially in this case where he’s just going to be a sperm donor.

    There are so many argument that can be made on either side of this topic that it’s really impossible to comment with anything helpful.

    What is your husband’s real motivation for wanting to be a sperm donor? That could be the starting point to determining whether or not you keep your foot down on your resistance, or ease up and allow him to do as he desires.

    In a way it sounds as if he just thinks very highly of himself to a point of believing he’s so great that his seed should be spread as far and wide as possible to better the human race. In that case it won’t hurt him or anyone else if he’s not able to fulfill that fantasy. But if he has a genuine desire to help people and there’s no motivation that is in any way deviant or perverse, then maybe you should consider at least doing some research to get an idea of how likely it is or isn’t that his donating sperm could change your life and your children’s lives for the worse.

    Reply
  2. anon-Y-mous

    Stop being so insecure and ridiculous. It’s his sperm. If he wants to donate it he has the right to do it without you putting all that shit on him about other women being the mother of his children. For all you know he has other children he already knows nothing about. You can’t ever really know if you’ve been his only romantic partner.

    Reply
  3. Angie

    It’s creepy and weird. Is this some mid-life crisis thing where he needs to feel “potent” again? It also doesn’t sound like it’s an official sperm bank where he donates the sperm and remains anonymous. No, he’s actually communicating directly with potential women. Who’s to say that any or all of these women might sue for child support or that he might want a relationship with one or all of these children? This would affect YOU and your children, and potentially yours and your children’s financial future. How would they even feel about having half-brothers and half-sisters they may or may not ever meet? The fact that he was doing it behind your back says it all. You should be upset, and he should stop thinking he’s all that. Good luck.

    Reply
  4. fimea

    I second what Angie said about it being creepy and weird. It’s one thing to go to a sperm bank and make a donation. It’s another thing to be communicating with “multiple women” and telling them he’d like to help them make babies. I disagree with Carolina about you being a little selfish. There’s nothing selfish at all about your position. If your husband had a genuine interest in being a sperm donor he’d have talked to you about it, likely on multiple occasions. It’s not exactly something that needs to be kept a secret when the motivation is just to help people. Something is very off.

    Reply
  5. Goodman

    I am 51 now and have 5 kids with 3 women. I am not married but live with a lady who loves me to no end. She has adult children and she thinks I am done having kids. My first and second set of kids are 20 years apart.

    I totally can empathize with your hubby. I always have a desire to help childless couples or women. I have posted many ads(like on craigslist,etc) seeking to be a sperm donor,in vain. I just found out that one of my ex-wives, now 42, never married and has no kids or boyfriend even after 15 years of separation and divorce. I am actively planning to give her 2 kids. She has the financial means to support them. I also have 3 other women wanting my kids; one of the women (27) is a longtime friend and former classmate of my two daughters other is a distant cousin (36), and the last one (21) is a sister to a former gf, all in another country.

    In 2015, I got this 29-year-old lady pregnant and she had a son last summer. Her younger sister wanted my child but died in a tragic accident in 2014. They look so much alike and I just had to have a baby with her. I financially support her, and plan to give her another baby, hopefully will be a girl, soon. My other 4 kids do not know yet that this child exists, but my brother, one sister and mother knows.

    My live-in gf will be devastated to know all these. But two of the 3 ladies I had kids with wanted me to have no part in raising the kids after we parted. I spent a small fortune in custody cases, and ended up with sole custody of my daughters early on in life. With the second set of kids, I have joint. I have this emptiness and want as many kids as possible and with multiple women.

    My 3rd and last wife could not have kids. We spent quite a bit of money in IVF without success. I wanted kids badly then. the agony of that experience also made me want to help someone else. I have no clue why your hubby is doing whatever he is doing, but maybe my story will show you that strange things happen in life. I wish you peace.

    Reply

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