My Bad
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My Bad

I went through my husband’s text message with his “sister” who he describes to me as his soul mate.

Note: My husband and I have an open policy where we can just go into each other’s phone. It was wrong of me nonetheless; I won’t deny that.

His “sister” is not biologically related to him and has been with her current partner for 12 years. Starting last year, they started texting each other telling each other “I love you” or I love you more than anyone else”. Despite understanding their relationship, I was uncomfortable with this. He texted her asking for “love and attention” asked to see her and her daughter “just the three of us”. Her, “Don’t be sad. I love you.” Him, “I miss you already” Her, “I miss you always, other half. *kissy heart face x 2* it goes on with some variations of this throughout conversations over the next couple days.

Her mother booked her tickets somewhere for her and her daughter but not her partner. Him, “no [insert partner’s name]? Ha!” Her, “I bet she’d have bought you a ticket if I married you. Lmao” Him, “so many missed opportunities” her, “hahaha” Him, “It’s not too late.”

He starts throwing comments about our sex life. And bashing me later on. I find out later that he also has mouths me to my brother, my mother and his parents.

My mom pleaded with me not to divorce him saying my kids don’t deserve this. How would you proceed? Am I being oversensitive to an innocent friendship?

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0 9 179 04 April, 2017 To Divorce or not to divorce April 4, 2017

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  1. Louie

    With just what you have written and not knowing the whole situation , I can honestly say you most likely don’t deserve to be disrespected like this. When we embark on a life of love with someone else there are a few nonnegotiables. Respect, trust,boundaries,defense,care,commitment,communication,empathy,and loyalty are among those nonnegotiables. Clearly your acceptance of this relationship has been run slipshod over your comfort level. Respecting your personal relationship is being disregarded by both your husband and his “sister “. I have been guilty of similar issues regarding my biological family. I had a great wake up call when my wife talked about divorce. The last thing I wanted. I came to the realization that NO other relationship in my life is more important than the one between my wife and me. That was the extreme, and would never suggest that as a means to an end. However commucating your feelings and boundaries should be the higherarchy of rebuilding your lives. I wish you and your family well and hope for a good result for you.

    1. M

      Thank you for your thoughts and wishes.

      I mostly worry about how my decision will affect the children moving forward. He is wonderful with them and provides a good balance to me.

      Whether intended or not, words like that should never be exchanged; I don’t think he realizes how those texts could be received nor was he expecting someone else i.e., his wife to read it.

  2. Dystonic Rxn

    Have you told him how much this relationship needs the way they interact hurts you? As a man, I might add, it must be done in a quiet non-aggressive or nagging way with neutral tone and emotion. Then tell him what you need. Then I would suggest not say anything else, no more talking needed, and give him 2-3 days and make an appointment to ascertain if he is willing to do what you ask.
    There you will have your answer.

    1. M

      I spoke to him. I started by apologizing for reading his text messages. I explained to him what I saw and how it felt. He responded as he normally does, “Ok. I understand. I can see where you’re coming from.” I asked for his thoughts and he said he agrees.

      He goes to the washroom and comes back and says, “you’d have to go pretty far back to get all these messages.” I admitted I did. He then accused me of looking for an argument.

      1. Dystonic Rxn

        If the fact those comments were quite aged, I would ask him what changes for him assuming he has not continued speaking w his sister that way.
        I think it would be a reasonable idea to try on for size only for whether you were looking for an argument or drama. Only you can answer this question.

        1. M

          I don’t like to argue. I like peace and quiet.

          He read his text messages and said that he can see where I am coming from but will “have to laugh” at it was just an inside joke between them. He said that the bashing of me was meant to be malicious because he was angry.

          I told him to proceed his future actions and comments with this woman with “if tables were turned…” and we left it at that.

          1. Louie

            I’m​ pleased that you sound like you are peacefully standing your ground. Good for you if this is so. You deserve respect. I’m not sure what he meant telling you he was being malicious because he was angry. Any of those issues are exclusively reserved​ for discussion and resolution within the dynamic of the marriage. You have a right to expect to be first. Today is our 33 anniversary…We would not have made it if I continued to be the way I was and if my wife didn’t fight for her place. Love and respect trump outside relationships​ and inside jokes…. Continued blessings

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