On Valentine’s Day I found out my wife of 11+ years had been texting another man (who she works with). I am talking 4750 messages between them in 20 days. She had seemed distant for about a month before that day. Also, her mother (who has dementia) has been living with us since August.
When I first confronted her about what was going on, she tried to hide behind I am texting my friends. I checked phone logs and saw 1 phone number 4750 times. I told here I knew it was to 1 person. She came clean that it was a coworker and said nothing else has happened. She says she has to sort out a ton of issues she has in her life. She says she needs space. I do not know what that means. I asked if she still loves me and she says yes. I asked if she wanted a divorce and she said NO. We have a 9 year old daughter who is starting to put things together about how her mother treats her father.
About 5 weeks after that day, in some random discussions, it has come out that she has actually kissed him. She will not tell me in those words, but when I asked if it happened, she will not answer. I am taking that as a yes. Originally she told me he was not close enough to smell her perfume.
Anyway, now 6 weeks later, she leaves the house sometimes at night to “clear” her head. She says she is out crying and does not want our daughter to see her that way. I do not know what to believe or think any more.
On Valentine’s day, she agreed to seek counseling. I waited a month for her to make contact with a counselor she saw about 4 years ago when her and her mother had issues. This counselor did help her back then. While I waited for her to make arrangements, she never did. I finally realized if I did not make the move for me, I would not be of much help to her. So, I contacted a Christian counseling service that a Pastor friend suggested.
I had my first session last week and she has hers in 3 days. She seemed “happy” that I began the process.
All along, I have tried to reassure her that I love her with all my heart and I am here for her in any way I can help. She says she cannot open up to me and has never been that type of person in her life. I know she is depressed and has medication but does not regularly take it. I try not to push but just reassure.
Last Sunday, we went to church as usual. A friend who I confided in came up to her and whispered in her ear. My wife teared up and the woman left. After church we went to lunch and a quick stop at the store. Once at home, she seemed COMPLETELY different than she had been. I was in our walk in closet doing laundry. She came in to “change” her church clothes. As she did, I turned away to not seem to pressure her while she was changing. After she changed, she asked if I liked what I saw or even had any interest any more. I told her I LOVED what I saw and I CERTAINLY was still interested. We sat for about 45 minutes and I explained to her how I see her. I see her as the most beautiful, kind, caring, thoughtful and generous woman in the world who got off track because I was not paying enough attention to her along with all of the pressures of dealing with her mother with dementia. We hugged a lot which has not really happened much since Valentine’s day.
I was so happy. Monday morning started out well. At some point in the day, while she was at work, everything reverted back to the depressed state she has been in. I am thinking maybe a chemical imbalance, but I am no authority. I have offered to go to the doctor’s with her as I did 4 years ago when she was given medication the first time.
I am feeling so overwhelmed with trying to show her my true feelings with little to no recognition given or hope gained from her. I have told her I just need a little bit of hope to know she wants to work through all of this. I have forgiven her in my heart. I do not know if more has happened and I am certain more information will come out. I just do not know if it is going to be good or bad.
I have called a crisis hotline a few time to discuss my feelings. Not that I want to harm myself or anyone else, but they are willing to talk any time day or night and offer some suggestions.
I am wondering if anyone out there can offer anything that might help? I totally love my wife. She is my best friend and my soulmate. I want us to get this worked out and move on to a better and stronger relationship. Any thoughts?