Trying to deal with emotional affair
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Trying to deal with emotional affair

Hello all,

On Valentine’s Day I found out my wife of 11+ years had been texting another man (who she works with). I am talking 4750 messages between them in 20 days. She had seemed distant for about a month before that day. Also, her mother (who has dementia) has been living with us since August.

When I first confronted her about what was going on, she tried to hide behind I am texting my friends. I checked phone logs and saw 1 phone number 4750 times. I told here I knew it was to 1 person. She came clean that it was a coworker and said nothing else has happened. She says she has to sort out a ton of issues she has in her life. She says she needs space. I do not know what that means. I asked if she still loves me and she says yes. I asked if she wanted a divorce and she said NO. We have a 9 year old daughter who is starting to put things together about how her mother treats her father.

About 5 weeks after that day, in some random discussions, it has come out that she has actually kissed him. She will not tell me in those words, but when I asked if it happened, she will not answer. I am taking that as a yes. Originally she told me he was not close enough to smell her perfume.
Anyway, now 6 weeks later, she leaves the house sometimes at night to “clear” her head. She says she is out crying and does not want our daughter to see her that way. I do not know what to believe or think any more.

On Valentine’s day, she agreed to seek counseling. I waited a month for her to make contact with a counselor she saw about 4 years ago when her and her mother had issues. This counselor did help her back then. While I waited for her to make arrangements, she never did. I finally realized if I did not make the move for me, I would not be of much help to her. So, I contacted a Christian counseling service that a Pastor friend suggested.
I had my first session last week and she has hers in 3 days. She seemed “happy” that I began the process.
All along, I have tried to reassure her that I love her with all my heart and I am here for her in any way I can help. She says she cannot open up to me and has never been that type of person in her life. I know she is depressed and has medication but does not regularly take it. I try not to push but just reassure.
Last Sunday, we went to church as usual. A friend who I confided in came up to her and whispered in her ear. My wife teared up and the woman left. After church we went to lunch and a quick stop at the store. Once at home, she seemed COMPLETELY different than she had been. I was in our walk in closet doing laundry. She came in to “change” her church clothes. As she did, I turned away to not seem to pressure her while she was changing. After she changed, she asked if I liked what I saw or even had any interest any more. I told her I LOVED what I saw and I CERTAINLY was still interested. We sat for about 45 minutes and I explained to her how I see her. I see her as the most beautiful, kind, caring, thoughtful and generous woman in the world who got off track because I was not paying enough attention to her along with all of the pressures of dealing with her mother with dementia. We hugged a lot which has not really happened much since Valentine’s day.
I was so happy. Monday morning started out well. At some point in the day, while she was at work, everything reverted back to the depressed state she has been in. I am thinking maybe a chemical imbalance, but I am no authority. I have offered to go to the doctor’s with her as I did 4 years ago when she was given medication the first time.
I am feeling so overwhelmed with trying to show her my true feelings with little to no recognition given or hope gained from her. I have told her I just need a little bit of hope to know she wants to work through all of this. I have forgiven her in my heart. I do not know if more has happened and I am certain more information will come out. I just do not know if it is going to be good or bad.

I have called a crisis hotline a few time to discuss my feelings. Not that I want to harm myself or anyone else, but they are willing to talk any time day or night and offer some suggestions.
I am wondering if anyone out there can offer anything that might help? I totally love my wife. She is my best friend and my soulmate. I want us to get this worked out and move on to a better and stronger relationship. Any thoughts?

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0 3 562 05 April, 2017 Save your marriage April 5, 2017

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  1. marie2

    When I felt bad about myself I sought outside attention from other men. I was conflicted in my love for my husband it was not a romantic love with my husband and I felt empty and dead inside. Our life was all responsibility and we lost that amazing connection. He doesnt seem to know how to make me feel special to him except to pay bills and take care of his responsibilities. I need and crave tender romantic evenings out where I am the sole focus of his attention and desire, He is emotionally blah! A stranger offers me more attention and excitement than my husband who is suppose to be my companion and lover and soul connection. Just not feeling it from him at all. Maybe your wife feels this way too??? Take her for a walk by the lake and hold her hand look into her eyes caRESS HER BACK AND GRAB HER HARD AND FRENCH KISS HER LIKE SHE WAS GONNA BE GONE IN 24 HOURS AND YOU WOULD NEVER SEE HER AGAIN. sHOW SOME PASSION EMOTIONALLY.

  2. Brenda

    I believe you’re taking the right steps in talking to her, forgiving her (wow, you are a wonderful human being), and setting up counseling. That said, please don’t let yourself become her emotional punching bag…you need to lay it on the line. If she wants to work on the marriage, you need to be blunt and let her know there are certain things you will not tolerate, one being the hot and cold emotions she displays; the other, her not following through with seeking medical help for her depression. If she knows that you desperately don’t want to divorce and you love her “no matter what”, she may use that to her advantage…don’t fall into that trap. Besides, women are not thrilled to know their man is weak…put your balls back on and stand up for yourself. Good luck, sincerely.

  3. Real deal

    You’re in for a long struggle.

    For marie2 – that’s complete BS. I’m so tired of reading posts from women where they just pass the blame off on the man. Attention and being made to feel special is a two way street. You get what you give. You like his wife sought the attention and approval of another man, not because you’re husband or the OP didn’t make the wife feel special but because you both failed to make each other special and instead of communicating the wife in each case decided to cheat.

    OP – you need to ask yourself a good question. “Is she worth it?” I’m telling you from experience this is going to be something you’re going to struggle with for a very long time. Even if things work out in the back of your mind you’re going to question things, you’ll notice something and it’ll trigger your suspicions.

    There’s a number of things that need to happen. First you both need to seek counseling as a couple and as individuals. Second, you need transparency in your marriage. You both should have full access to each others phones, emails and social media accounts. If she’s not willing to do that, then you need to understand she’s done a lot more than kiss him.

    I’ve gone and am going through this with my wife. She pulled this same crap on me and tried to use that same BS that Marie2 was trying to sell, but our counselor quickly put that to rest. My wife was even lying to the counselor. I ended up confronting the co-worker and gave him a piece of my mind. I then kicked my wife out.

    We worked things out and managed to stay together, but here we are two years later and I’ve noticed the odd behavior yet again. I can tell you this time things will not go on for as long as they did and I’ve already contacted my lawyer to have papers drawn up so I can be prepared. I turned on phone tracking and have hired a PI to catch her if she’s up to something.

    A leopard can’t change it’s spots.


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