We’ve been together for 18 years. When we met, I was picking up the pieces of a life that had blown apart. My son was dead. I had an 8-year old still depending on me. The man who killed my bady, his little brother, was stalking me still. I was in recovery from using alcohol to drown my fear. I felt like I couldn’t breathe most of the time. Then you came along, my “knight in shining armor.” You were the first good man I ever fell in love with. Yet even after 18 years, I don’t think I really know you I noticed almost right away that you would rather lie to me than risk upsetting me. At first I thought that was really sweet and protective. I didn’t realize how much that would torque our relationship into something that isn’t even real any more. You smiled and lied and lied to my face, telling me what you thought I wanted to hear. I wanted to believe you rather than to think I’d made a mistake. Maybe you weren’t one of the good ones. Maybe you just lied really well. When I found out that you told her all about my f-kd up life, your pretty co-worker you wanted to impress, I should have probably realized that it would happen again. You became *her* knight in shining armor, the guy who had this huge burden. When I got sick and unable to work, the burden got heavier. You became even shinier, a real morsel for the kind of woman who always thinks she can be a better wife than the current one. Maybe you cheated. Maybe you didn’t. One thing i know, you never opened yourself up and became real. You kept telling me lies. Now I was really sick, almost dead sick, so what choice did I have except to believe you, and numb the pain? In recovery still, I used volunteering, and gaming, to pretend everything was fine. Today you came home and said you’d been carrying this “burden” (our family) for long enough. You were done. You said you felt like you had wasted your life. For the first time you are telling me the truth. That’s a good thing. It’s too bad you had to find a safety net first to do so. Once again I became the polish for your armor, all my problems made you a hero for sticking with me. I understand. I’m not getting better. I have surgery after surgery, bills pile up. Your promise of “sickness and health” was a lie too. I can’t feel anything but numb right now. Why did I believe this pretty lie until it’s too late to save myself? What will my son and I do? I don’t have a solution right now. Maybe you’ll change your mind, but it’s too late. I already know what I look like when I use your eyes to see me. It’s too little truth, too late.
Your 1st wife
And just like that, you came home and lit our world on fire.