I don’t have a wife. I have a mother who has taken me as her life partner. She has attached herself to me like crazy glue. She lives with me in my house. I pay the rent, we split the utilities. My mother has lived with me for 2 and a half years and I don’t know if she will ever leave. I seriously question whether or not she wants to leave. She moved in with me after selling her mobile home for $10,000. She intended to use the money for a down payment on a regular house but all this time has passed and she is still here. She buys me things all the time. It makes me want to scream when she buys me some fixture or household nick nacks that I never wanted and will likely never use.
If I sound cold maybe it’s because of my childhood. Living with me my mother has become a spoiled overgrown child, but when I was a child she was very unhappy. She screamed and screamed at me and my sister until we wanted to put guns to our heads. She destroyed us emotionally. She has the worst people skills I have ever known in my life. She is the most hostile person I’ve ever known in my life. She disowned her own brother and sister for the past several years until she briefly came close to buying a house of her own a few months ago. Then that she had something to brag about she wanted to talk to them. Then she contacted both of them to tell them all about the nice big house she was about to buy. Indeed it was much nicer then my house. I asked her if she was sure she wanted to get into a 30 year mortgage at her age? She said she was. Only a few days before closing, she changed her mind and said she didn’t want to go through with it. She lost around $1000.00 in non refundable fees. I did what I thought was the decent thing to do and told her that if she wasn’t sure about buying the house then she was welcome to stay with me as long as she wanted. As I said those words to her I wanted to cry. I am a 35 year old man. I have my own place my own car a job etc. As I watch my life pass me by it angers me more and more. Every time I look at a beautiful woman I wonder what she would think of the fact that I live with my mother? I fear getting too old to have children that I can raise before I die and then regretting never having any
When I was a teenager, my mother and I moved in with a stupid, obnoxious boyfriend of hers. I never took an attitude with him. I was moire cooperative with this idiot then any teenager in the world would have been with a stranger coming into their lives and assuming all authority over them. I hated the situation but I was completely passive in all of it. He had a big mouth and couldn’t control it. He didn’t want to share my mother with me so he gradually became more and more resentful toward me. The more resentful he became toward me the more hostile my mother became toward him. They both fueled each others fire. Eventually my mother sent me to live with my father in order to save her relationship with her boyfriend. I sacrificed more then any teen in the world would have in order for my mother to have someone to grow old with. I saw how she was so unhappy and sad being alone in my childhood. I truly wanted her to be happy and secure. At one point right before she sent me to my fathers, I heard her say on the phone with the boyfriend that she thought if she didn’t do this, she would end up resenting me.
That phrase that came out of her mouth caused me to rethink my entire childhood. Suddenly she was not a selfless mother who sacrificed endlessly for her children. She was a selfish bitch who blamed her children for her life being so miserable. I did everything I could think to do at the age of 16 to be easy to get along with and not be a problem in her relationship with her boyfriend and she blamed me for ruining their relationship. I thought about the many mornings when I would go to my room when I heard her start o get up because I knew I was going to get yelled at. If she was getting out of bed that meant I was going to have to ,listen to her yell and cuss and slam cabinet doors for at least an hour or so. Every god damn morning I would endure another hour of her making me want to put a gun to my head. I wondered after hearing her talking to her boyfriend about sending me to my dads, If she secretly blamed me for her not being able to get a man or to have a fun life. I can’t count how many times I have sat in my car and screamed the words “fucking bitch!” I’m pretending that I’m saying these words to my mother. Shortly after I went to my dads house when I was a teen, my mother broke up with the stupid boyfriend. She moved away from him and I believe still blamed me fro breaking them up.
I served in the army years later and probably didn’t call home nearly as much as the other soldiers. I was angry about being shit canned by my mother to please her boyfriend. I was angry about all the mornings when she got up screaming at me just because I was there. When I was a young boy I never had confidence around girls. There was even a couple of girls in the fifth grade who were quite aggressive in letting me know that they liked me. No I’m not being egotistical. I’m not a ladies man. I haven’t had sex in more than ten years. As a grown man not only do I still struggle with confidence but I also find myself annoyed at women and at times the thought of marriage repulses me. As a young boy even when girls blatantly let it be known that they liked me I would push them away. I believed they had mistaken me for a cool guy or popular guy, but when they learned who I truly was, they would dump me and this would confirm that I was a pile of trash. This is what my mother told me every day of my life. Every time she screamed at me. Every time she made me want to blow my brains out. For a girl to dump me would have been a blow that I couldn’t take.
Now in the present my mother lives in my house and has for 2 and a half years. I truly don’t think she wants to leave. I believe the thought of me being with a women sickens her. She seems to depend on me like a wife would depend on a husband or even a daughter on a father. She at times will practically ask my permission for things which aggravates me terribly. She likes to go out to eat with me. If she goes to look at a house she wants me to go with her. If she goes shopping she wants me to go with her. I work on her car. I help her use her computer. I indeed am her life partner you might say. She never does anything freaky like come on to me but I am like the husband that she has lived without for the past 34 years. I hate it, I hate it, and I hate it. I
She tells me all the time about my cousins getting married and having children. She is so happy for them. It makes me see clearly how my own life is passing me by. I wonder if she worries about me? Does she ever wonder about why I have never brought a woman home? does she wonder if I am ashamed to tell women that I live with my mother and we might never have my house to ourselves? I really believe that she understands that a big reason why I don’t date is because I am ashamed of the fact that I live with my mother. However she is so sickened by the idea of me being with a woman that she is willing to attach herself to me and never let go no matter how unhappy I am in my life.
In all honesty, it’s not only the fact that I live with my mother that keeps me from dating. A big part of it is that in truth I don’t want a relationship. I feel like a real wife would eventually turn into my mother as well. That is she would eventually drive me crazy just like my mother does, but this situation can’t go on. Obviously I think about women all the time. When I fall in love with a woman, I will want to be with her forever. As time passes this may change. But while i’m in love I will want to be with her forever. I think about a female from my past who I think about everyday. I knew her when I worked at a homeless shelter. Nothing ever happened between us because she was too young. But she had a crush on me and she said once that she loved me. I could have given her my mustang convertible when she said that but I didn’t say anything. But I think about her everyday. Is it really better to love and lose then to never love at all? All I know is that never loving at all really really sucks!
I know that if this goes on, it is because I choose it. I can tell my mother that I want her to get her own place. I can evict her. I can leave the house and let her takeover the rent. The lease has been up for several months now. The landlord seems to be either unaware or ignoring the situation as long as he gets his money. My mother has a cushy job. I think sometimes about getting an apartment of my own and leaving my mother at my house. She will hardly even consider a house without a garage. She will only live in certain neighborhoods. She only earns maybe 1200.00 to 1500.00 per month. Options are limited and again I don’t know if she really even wants to leave. But this can’t go on. I can’t take much more of looking at other people living their lives, having sex, being in love, having kids while I am stuck to my mother and can’t bring a woman to my house without explaining to her that I live with my mother. I drink more then I did even when I was in the army because I hate my life. As unhappy as I am my mother seems completely content to live rent free in my my home and even to be somewhat dominated by me. It seems like I am the husband that gives her security, support and companionship and that she doesn’t have to share a bed with. Don’t misunderstand me I’m not saying I want to share a bed with her. I’m saying that while I am giving her companionship and support and security, I am not giving these things to a wife or girlfriend. I am alone. The time will come if I don’t take action when I am too old to have children or even get married. As angry as I feel and as often as I feel angry and frustrated I wonder what I will do if that time comes. Will I simply regret my entire life and finally put a gun to my head? Will I hurt someone else?