I hate my husband so much. Then I love him. I wish I was strong enough to leave. But I’m such a loser, I can’t imagine him changing and being a good person to another women. That would kill me. So when he’s sober (I don’t wanna say he’s a good person but he’s not the worst) he’s just on Facebook or on the phone. Never pays attention to me or our daughter. Or he’s looking up stupid videos on YouTube. He never wants to anything as a family. Only makes time for his son who he has with another woman. (He only sees his some twice a year so I would hope he did make time for him). Ugh there’s just so many things to say. He’s really fucking attractive. Tall, handsome tattoos but he’s such a piece of shit. So he is also an alcoholic and when he drinks he’s a totally different person. Just obnoxious and rude. Ignores me even more if that’s possible. NEVER answers his phone. Always ends up passed out somewhere. Claims he at a friends house but who the fuck knows. Drives drunk all the time. It’s scary. Nothing bad ever happens to him. I worry all night of him hurting someone else. Bad stuff Only happens to me! I never drank in my life, I meet my husband. We get married after I pretty much chase him around like a puppy dog. I get pregnant we get married. His drinking is so out of control I join the party. Long story short he makes me drive home ( I mean it was my decision but not thinking clear ) I get a DWI. I go to jail. I’m on probation. I’ve been sober ever since. Anyways I feel like such a loser for staying. I just don’t want to break up our family. And I don’t want to see him with someone else. I definitely don’t trust him to watch our daughter she is 2. If he’s drinking and driving with her and something we’re to happen I could never forgive myself. I can’t leave bc he would want 50/50 custody and you see I can’t trust him to watch our daughter. And another thing I am insecure about is if I leave he will get with someone else and have a kid with her and complicate our lives. I don’t know how to be strong and leave. I wish he would just wreck on his way home from the bar and then I would never have to see him again. And me and my daughter could start over. I would never do anything to harm him. My family loves him and doesn’t know any of this. I just want to get to a place where his actions don’t effect me and we can just co exist until I can work and support me and my daughter. Every time I tell him he needs to be sober or I’m gone he just laughs. Or I say I want a divorce he just laughs. He’s just so fucking selfish. Ugh I’ve never talked about this before I probably sound super lame.