Free marriage help and tips for a better marriage are available all over the internet
You have arrived at this page because you are looking for tips that will help in your quest to build a better marriage or you are looking for free marriage help. We welcome you to marriedpeopleproblems.com and wish you all the best in your quest to find help with improving your marriage.
MarriedPeopleProblems.com is only one of numerous places on the Internet where you can get help with your marriage without having to pay for it. The free marriage help and tips for a better marriage comes to you in the form of a community of other married people who are struggling with their marriages. On this website you will find a wide variety of active discussions on just about every conceivable marriage problem. You can find active discussions on many other marriage websites as well. The Internet provides a wealth of information that you can use in one way or another to help fix problems in your marriage, or to help you find the strength and courage that you need to end your marriage if that is the only option for your situation.
To get free marriage help from professionals is difficult…
Professionals like marriage counselors are in the business of making money. Few marriage counselors will provide free marriage help or even freely provide tips that will help you build a better marriage. But many will work with you on a sliding scale. So if you prefer to obtain help from someone who is trained in marriage counseling, call around to counselors in your area and be clear that you require assistance with being able to afford their help. But remember that experience is the best teacher. And even the best trained marriage counselors cannot really provide useful counsel without actually having experienced some of what they are talking about. Every marriage is different, and you want a counselor who understands that fact and who will advise you based on your specific situation. You don’t want a counselor who will preach to you about what should and should not happen in a marriage generally. Your marriage is a relationship between you and your spouse, and the two of you are unique individuals. Your marriage is unique, and what is right for another couple might not be what’s right for you. So be sure that you are dealing with someone who is interested enough to learn about you and your spouse and your marriage and work with you based on the knowledge procured, rather than someone who comes in already knowing all the answers before asking any questions.
But don’t think that only trained marriage counselors can help you build a better marriage
Someone who has faced a problem and found a solution on their own through trial and error, will sometimes be a more useful source of help with that problem than someone who never faced the problem but who learned from a book some possible things that might solve the problem. It’s always important to consider the source of information. It’s true that, while the internet abounds with information that could suffice in your search for free marriage help, as much of that information can be as useless to you as what can be useful. Even here on marriedpeopleproblems.com, some of the feedback from members of the public can make your situation worse if you take it to heart. It’s possible to read some of the comments that are posted here and conclude that there is no help for you or hope for building a better marriage. Because you see so much anger, so much ugliness and so much that points to marriage as being a horrible experience to be avoided or from which to escape at first chance. When you’re looking for help fixing your marriage problems, these kinds of comments can make you feel hopeless. But if nothing else, you will realize that you are not alone. There are many people facing many of the same problems in their marriages, and among the angry, ugly comments, you will find useful contributions that can help give you insight into your own situation.
You can get free marriage help via marriage websites and forums where other married people share their problems and solutions for a better marriage.
If you were asked to complete the sentence “Marriage is ___________________________________________”, how would you fill in the blank?
Might you finish the sentence with “the worse thing ever“? Type that thought into google and you will get millions of results that contain the exact sentiment. “Marriage is the worse thing ever“. But your marriage doesn’t have to be the worse thing ever. Your marriage is just a relationship between you and the person to whom you are married. And while it’s true that this particular relationship is sometimes one that is impossible to repair after certain damage has been done, relationships are between people. And most people are rational and reasonable. Very often marriages become ugly because one or the other (or both people) becomes irrational and unreasonable to a point where living with them becomes an unpleasant experience. Spouses begin to war like incompatible housemates. One person does things in a way the other person dislikes. There’s complaining. The other person refuses to change the way they do things. They don’t think they should have to. They think the complainer should just stop complaining. The complainer refuses to stop complaining because they think the person should do things the way they believe is the best way for the things to be done. No one is willing to compromise. Resentments get out of hand to where you begin to dislike each other.
Even bigger problems in marriage usually begin with such small annoyances that cause dislike to build up and fester until you can’t stand each other and you start looking for other things and other people to make you feel better about your self and your situation in life.
Marriage in daily practice is not the happily ever after fairy tale romance we go in expecting. Marriage is basically a test of your ability to endure living with another adult you don’t really know when all is said and done. Living with other people is usually difficult. Even when you are extremely compatible, there are still problems that will strain any relationship between adults living together. To build a better marriage takes work, and it’s never something that you finish, which is to say, a better marriage is something you have to work at for the rest of the life of your marriage.
Tips for building a better marriage
- Don’t try to change your spouse into who you want them to be. You probably have no desire or intention to change yourself into the person your spouse wants you to be. You probably feel that your spouse has no right to want you to change to accommodate his/her preference. You probably think your spouse should accept you for who you are. This works both ways. You can’t object to someone not accepting you for who you are and demanding that you change according to their preference, yet put the same demand on them. As you expect that they will learn to love you for who you are, you have to be equally willing to learn to love them for who they are.
- Don’t hold your spouse to arbitrary standards of marriage. Your spouse is a person. Stop to consider if your expectations would be reasonable outside of marriage. If your expectations of your spouse would be unreasonable expectations to have if you weren’t married, they’re probably unreasonable expectations to have of your spouse.
- Don’t reduce your marriage to a relationship based on rights, duties and obligations. At the end of the day you and your spouse are individuals. You have made promises to each other; but there is nothing obligating either of you to keep your promises. If you start demanding things from each other on the basis or rights, duties and obligations, you will kill off the only thing that motivated you to make these promises in the first place and that remains the only thing that will make you want to keep those promises. It’s the desire to please each other and the desire to make each other happy that brought you to this point. When you kill that off by acting like you have a right to your spouses love and attention because of your marriage, you build up resentment that is usually impossible to surmount. No one has to love another person or share any part of their self with another person if they don’t want to. Being married doesn’t give you ownership of another human being. So you want your spouse to maintain their desire to please you and their desire to share their body, mind, soul, heart and whatever else with you.
- If you don’t have one (or preferably more than one), find a common goal that motivates you both which you can work together to achieve. Or find a shared hobby that you commit to pursuing together.
- Care how your actions will affect your spouse. You are an individual and have the right to do as you please, but you are a married individual, and your actions will directly affect the person to whom you are married. Consider the impact of your choices on your spouse’s life. When faced with making choices that you know will make your spouse unhappy, stop for a moment to consider how you would feel if your spouse made choices that he/she knew would have a negative impact on your life, but they simply did not care about anything other than their own interest. Consideration of each other, of how your actions and choices will affect each other is important to the health of your marriage. We are selfish creatures by nature; however we are socialized to be considerate of others and to care how our actions affect other people. There is some amount of selfishness that is okay in marriage. However, the point at which your selfishness results in mental or emotional injury to your spouse, you might need to re-consider your choices.
- Try to focus more of your energy on acknowledging and showing gratitude for the good things your spouse does. It’s easy to criticize and judge. Most of us are more eager to do this than we are eager to point out the good things people do. In fact, we usually cannot name a single good thing someone has done because we take these things for granted, or we just don’t notice at all. But every small little annoying thing someone does we are ready to condemn them for it and make a major issue out of it. Most of the time, if we stopped to take stock, we would realize that the good outnumbers the bad exponentially. But because we over-react and make such a big deal about the small little nuisances, it seems to us that the bad is all there is. And we become incapable of seeing each other in any other light than the light which shines only on flaws and faults. Most of the time your issue with your spouse is really your issue. You have a problem with being inflexible, overly critical, judgemental, intolerant, impatient, unforgiving. Spend some time looking in a mirror and asking yourself how perfect you really are. Spend the time you spend judging your spouse working on your tendency to judge. You might be surprised to find that, as you ease up a bit on your judgemental approach, your spouse begins to seem less annoying. And they might even take the initiative to work on the stuff that annoys you, because they will feel more inclined to want to please you when you’re not making them feel like they are completely worthless just because they might have some ways that you don’t particularly like.
- Don’t compare your spouse to other people’s spouses. Your friend’s wife/husband might seem perfect but don’t be sure you wouldn’t still be going through the very same things if you were married to this seemingly perfect person. No one is perfect, therefore there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. And your spouse might look a little better in your eyes if you tried focusing on their good aspects instead of their bad. You don’t know anything about your friend’s marriage and what their spouse is really like behind closed doors. You don’t know what kind of husband/wife they really are.
- Don’t compare your marriage to other people’s marriages. Unless you are living with a couple and have the opportunity to see how they interact with each other (at home) on a daily basis, you don’t really know anything about their marriage. It’s easy to think that your married friends all have a better marriage than yours. Most of the time we conduct ourselves according to the rules of etiquette when we are around other people. While you and your spouse are making it obvious to everybody around you that you don’t like each other, your other married friends are putting on the expected show or unity and love. Or at the very least they are acting civilly in public and making sure to keep their marital problems private. You need to do the same.
- Value your spouse for who they are. If what matters to you most is your spouse’s looks, you’re in for significant disappointment down the road. One way or another looks change. You might say to yourself, ‘well when that time comes I’ll just deal with it‘; but if you wait until then to start trying to value your spouse not for how he/she looks but the person he/she is, you’ll find that it’s nearly impossible. Because you’ve made looks the most important thing, and you haven’t really tried to appreciate and love the person to whom you’re married. Twenty-five years down the road when that young twenty-something is a late forty-something and beyond, you’ll find yourself with a stranger towards whom you feel no connection. You’ll find yourself in a marriage that you hate and want to get out of. In which case it’s simple enough to get out of it if it’s only you and your spouse and there won’t be any issues with alimony and such. But more often than not there are children involved and assets at risk and ugly complications that many people try to avoid by staying married and accepting to be miserable for the rest of their lives. If you build a strong foundation of trust, respect, appreciation , friendship, care and concern, interest and commitment, you will find that your marriage only grows stronger in those years when you each begin the transition from youth to middle age and from middle age to your senior years.
- Be a friend to your spouse. The same way you would approach friendship with someone you like and respect and treasure and want to be friends with for the rest of your life, you need to approach your relationship with your spouse. You know that no one will stay around very long to be friends with you if you were always finding fault with them, always picking fights with them, always dis-respecting them, questioning their judgement, trying to tell them what to do, making them feel inadequate and incompetent, making them feel like they are not good enough and you’re only friends with them because of this reason or that reason, but if not for this reason or that reason you would have nothing to do with them. What sane person will stay around to be friends with you if that was how you were treating them? Your spouse is going to feel the very same way anyone else might feel if you are treating them poorly. You don’t own your spouse as you own a pet that you can choose to treat well or choose to treat poorly without consequence.